In my sortings out of mum’s stuff, I came across some unused cards. Little things like that break my heart thinking of a time when she walked into a shop and bought those and expecting to use them in the future. Should I keep them or chuck them? Such a hard decision over a stupidly simple thing.
I know I shouldn’t do it but just like you, I’ve read texts etc and read between the lines sometimes trying to think, did I say something wrong there or should I have said something more? Most of the messages are mundane stuff, day to day stuff, but still they hurt to read. I avoid reading them now because they don’t help with the way I’m feeling.
I’m dreading my birthday coming up in March. Yet another occasion when I won’t get a card from mum. It was strange not getting a Christmas card from mum. Like she had forgotten me. Silly but true.
Here’s to a quiet NYE!
I’m ignoring them. I know its childish but last years wishes for a happy new year didnt go well did they?
Definitely shaun.
Mum and I use to use Facebook messenger then we swapped to WhatsApp.
Shortly after she died I went onto messenger and staring at me was my last ever messenger message from mum. It said ‘nite nite’ and was sent on the 14th june 2018.
My mum died exactly 1 year later on 14th june 2019.
Oh crumbs those dates. If only we knew a year later. My mum and I were texting 26th August 2018 exactly a year before. I had just arrived in Cornwall and was sitting on a beach and I sent her a message and pic of us saying “so happy we have arrived”. She said “oh that’s perfect can’t wait to visit”. She only came twice. When she walked out of my house that last time she stopped and looked back at me and said “can’t wait for my holiday here in September just you and me”. Meaning she would come without my brother and just have girly time.
Here’s the calendar mum bought,
Took a lot of emotional effort to remove it from its wrapper just now. I’m putting it up, can’t leave it unused. Looking at the front photo reminds of when we last walked along the harbour wall. Getting back on that white ship will be hard again as the last time, we were all together sitting. We always sat in the same seats each time we went so seeing them again will hit me.
My last message to mum was the day before she died and it read “What about the bakery?” She didn’t reply. This was when I was looking for her lost camera on the beach while she was walking to the pub where we would have our last lunch together. I thought she may have left it in the bakery. She didn’t and that’s another loss I have to deal with.
It’s such a shame that she never made that September holiday jooles.
The last thing I said to mum was ‘we will laughing at this in August at butlins with a large glass of wine’ she said ‘too right we will’ and she was collected for her surgery.
I never heard her voice again. 5 minutes later I saw her at the end of the corridor. The anaesthetist had obviously left mum briefly standing alone and I nearly shouted out another goodbye and a wave. But I didnt.
Do you know what I thought? No, I don’t want to jinx it. I will see her tonight.
I never saw her again. I regret not calling out and waving so much x
They are all very poignant last moments aren’t they. I wish every day for that last holiday with her. But it’s never enough is it. I never imagined my mums life would end like this.
I know joules. Those last moments would never have been enough x
We all wanted and expected our mums and dads to go on another 10 years at least. Of course had that been the case then we’d still be having these conversations. It’s never enough and why should it be? When you love someone so dearly then there is never a time when you’ve completed knowing/living with them. More is always better.
Definitely Shaun x
None of us knew that is was our last moments. Mum said to me "see you tomorrow or words to that effect and I said a hushed “I love you”. As i left she went to hug me, but she changed her mind, as she was unwell with a lung infection and she did not want mine to get worse.
The following day I was going to stay nearly the whole day with her at the hospital.
We expected them to get to old age. 85 years plus. And even then would we have been ready!
It sounds like not only did we expect longer with them, but they too expected longer time.
It’s dreadfully difficult. There is so much to get ones head around.
My view of life has changed. My time with my loved ones, was the most precious thing.
My mother was 21 years old then me. She was my greatest friend and I truly wish I told her that whilst she was alive. We just were both not that demonstrative.
i just didn’t realise what was important in life. My family.
Daffy
You did realise what was important. This is that wonderful hindsight tallong again. It isnt real life to gi round hugging, telling our mums we loved them and acting like every day was our last. Come on, my mum would have told me to p### off if I tried that nonsense!
We just didnt know we were going to lose them in their early seventies. But since my mum died I lost a super fit colleague aged 53, another one from cancer aged 44 and my next door neighbours have both died. Both were younger than my mum.
What I’m realising is that this expected average age of 82 for women and 79 for men is rubbish!
This bit made me laugh. You’re right, being overly affectionate might have been too needy. Mum and I lived in each others pockets, as it is/was. There had to be some separation. I just wish there had been a kinder and more gentle ending. I wish I’d said a few things, which made her feel good about herself and her skills as a mother and my greatest friend.
I’ll just keep saying to the room, until I feel all is well.
None of us knows how long we’ve got. Time is a very strange thing.
My partner will be opening a bottle of champagne at midnight. My brain is so foggy that i can hardy process what i think of it. Maybe, I stick to a cut of tea.
Do use all the things they didn’t they would love to see you trying to enjoy their things. It would make them really proud. Don’t regret anything that u did and didnt say. They know how we feel about them now and will be waiting to enjoy them things with us again some day x
My mum wasn’t very demonstrative either. Looking back I gave much more affection to them than they gave to me. They just weren’t like that. Dad is very overly affectionate and loving now. Both of us realising time is precious. I wish for so many things but it’s all hindsight. And it’s now something that can’t be changed. Which is what I find most weird. That her life here is done. So final. It is that I can’t come to terms with.
Sam, I wore one of Mum’s scarves all weekend. I hesitated at first, as it seemed weird. I got used to it. This morning, i said to myself “I hope to be able to tell Mum in an afterlife how sincerely I love her”.
Clearly, we are all hurting. We are lucky to have this little community to help us get stuff off our chests.
Hopefully daffy I will be in from work at 23.30 and in bed by 23.40.
I’m dry January from tomorrow. I’ve overdone the alcohol recently
It’s weird isnt it that they will never be here again.