Lost Dad 3 days before Christmas

Hi all, first post. I’m only going to tell this once as hurts too much to. I’ve just lost my dad 6 days ago. Sunday will be one week. I can’t believe I’m actually on a beavement site. I’m in my forties and have a long term partner but still actually lived with my parents. We were like 3 friends so never felt the need to move out as we were all happy. I’d had a great weekend so far pop home as I’d stayed with my partner the night before. It was just like any other Sunday. Came in the house seen my mom who was in the lounge shouted where’s dad she replied oh just out getting the papers. Dad came in a few minutes later all happy I pretend I hadn’t heard him come in and played our usual game of 'you wait till I see that little sh*t". Family banter. He appeared in the door way all smiles and replied oh yeah and what have you got to say about me with laughed I looked in the fridge, dad put down his papers on the table and hung his coat on the chair then disappeared off to the toilet. Next thing shouting came in the kitchen and said phone an ambulance my difib has gone off. I immediately grab the phone start calling an ambulance. Dad walks into the lounge mom is asking what is wrong his getting shocks and going unconscious and pale. I held his head in my hands and shouted dad dad. I knew he might need CPR so ran to partners house banging on doors him and his dad came ran to mine dragged dad to the floor and started CPR. My partners aunt turned up to help then eventually 3 ambulances arrived. One hour later after trying dad passed in the house. Sorry this is a long message just wanted to tell it once so didn’t have to tell it again. My lovely wonderful dad gone in the matter of minutes. Struggling with my mom and trying to cope. Found this site today and thought I’d join. My dad was amazing the kind that would be interested in everything that was going on in your life offer great advice take the micky out of new clothes even pretend to be interested that I painted my nails. How the hell do you deal with this?

Hi sam1975,

I’m sorry for the loss of your dad just one week ago. The pain is so awful but you arent alone. There are a group of us on this forum who speak regularly and it really does help.
I am 48 and my beloved, funny, energetic and silly mum died suddenly of a massive brain hemorrhage on the 14th june.
I csnt even tell you how I have got through the last 6 months. Shock got me through the first 3 weeks till the funeral then I had a complete breakdown and barely left the house for the next 3 months. I also lived with my mum.
Even now I still cant believe she has gone.
21 years ago when I was 27 and my parents were 53 my dad had a heart attack in bed and died instantly…
I got through it because I had my mum.
The weeks and months ahead wont be easy but I can reassure you that you arent alone.
Take each hour as it comes then each day and try to look after yourself as much as you can as grief really takes its toll on the body.
Cheryl x

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Oh gosh Sam how utterly heartbreaking and what an awful shock. I’m so sorry. I’m not going to lie to you. Shock will get you through the funeral. Then bit by bit it starts to sink in. It’s a bumpy long road. I’m told it one day gets easier. You learn to deal with it but it can take at least a year I’m told before you feel it get a little easier. In the first few weeks. Just be kind to yourself. Rest, cry, talk it all out. You may want counselling further down the line. You are not alone. There are quite a few of us onhere who have literally helped each other through the awful dark days. You will find that at times you feel lonely and isolated and no one understand. So come on here where people do understand. Take it easy.

Thank you for your kind words

I’m also sorry to hear all your heartbreaking stories x

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Hi Sam, so sorry to hear about the loss of your dad, that’s a really sad and shocking story. I couldn’t believe I’d ever be writing on a bereavement site either. In fact if anyone had actually mentioned I might be doing this about 5 months ago then I would have thought the notion ridiculous. Yet, here I am doing just that because I lost my mum suddenly 17 weeks ago. I’ve gained a lot by reading all the stories and chatting here and knowing that what happened to mum is actually quite normal, terrible and the worst thing ever yes but normal in life. That probably sounds a weird thing to say but I thought my mum would be around for another 10-15 years easily but I’ve now learned that in real harsh life, that isn’t always the case. My mum died suddenly while she was on holiday with my family when her heart just didn’t work anymore one morning. The way she died right there in front of me shocked the hell out of me and I still have flashbacks causing instant emotional pain. A lot has changed for me over the last 17 weeks and I’m nowhere near past my grief but things are a lot better now than they were after 6 days. I still have very dark times and am expecting to have very bad times ahead through the next year. I can understand that initially there is a lot of shock and a lot of practicalities to deal with. It’s all a big whirlwind to start with and nothing makes sense anymore. One of the best things you can do right now is keep talking with others, let your feelings out, don’t bottle up anything and most of all, look after yourself and don’t expect too much of yourself for some time to come. There are many of us like minded people here who have lost our parents in various ways and we all like to chat about our day to day feelings and thoughts, it helps a lot. One of the things I did in the early days after my mum was take up offers of a walk out into the countryside with some good friends who had been through this themselves and would just listen to everything I had to say. It helped me a lot and I am grateful to them. Those are the best sort of friends you could have.
Your emotions are probably all over the place right now and vary minute by minute. Just remember, you aren’t alone and people here will understand. It’ll take time, after all, our parents we’ve known since the day we formed our first memories, until now and that’s a huge deal.

Thank you all for the supportive messages and hope everyone is doing ok as they can today x

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Hope you are ok too today Sam. Bad day for me. But I had an ok day yesterday which is how it tends to go. It’s my wedding anniversary so that’s bought up lots of memories of my mum with me on my wedding day which are too painful right now. My poor husband. I forgot his card and have cried all day. I feel utterly selfish. But he says it’s fine.

Sam, how uttered traumatic for you and your family. Totally, shocking.
My mum passed away nearly 12 weeks ago suddenly from pneumonia and a massive heart attack. The grief and shock has been like a tidal wave.
This site has been a blessing. A place where people actually understand the pain, trauma and shock. There’s a lovely group of people on this site.
Keep posting. x

Jooles, take his word for it as he really cares how you are feeling. I think we all need to accept kindness where ever we can find it. Hope you have a better today tomorrow. I can’t really accept and understand a lot at the moment so sorry for the short posts. But I wish everyone well x

Daffy, total understand how you are feeling. I’m completely floored at the moment. I can’t even talk about the last 2-3 days. I will keep posting but managing what I can. Keep well and thoughts are with everyone x

Sam, I feel so sad for you, it is horrible to lose a parent at any time, but just before Christmas it is too cruel. I am pleased in a way that your dad went so quickly, at least he did not suffer for weeks and months. I know that this does not ease the blow, but in time, you may be glad, I do hope so. My dad suffered for months with stomach cancer, he was so brave, it broke my heart. My husband wasn’t well for sometime, he passed away nearly 5 months ago.
Take care of yourself and each other (I mean your partner)
Blessings,
MaryL

Sam thank you for your kind supportive words. Such early days for you. You are in a very raw dark world now. And have been catapulted into it like many of us on here. Talk only when you can. X

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Hi everyone, don’t know how you are all doing today. Today sucked!!! Considering yesterday was one week yesterday was I can’t say better but you know what I mean. I was expecting Sunday to be far worse but it ended up being today instead. I’m gathering this is how it will go now. Sunday to make sure we wasn’t in the house and to actually do some we drove out to Lichfield and had a walk around. Found that the church was open so lit a candle for Dad which was nice. Hard but nice. Kind of felt right yesterday in what we was doing. Been trying to do something each day just to get us out and about. Poor dog his legs will be worn down. Cried in Asda today x

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Sam,

I’m still crying in supermarkets and I’m 6 months in.
You are doing very well but you are still in shock. One week is nothing. You are doing the right stuff though. Going out for walks is really important and helps so much in those early days.
Cheryl x

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I can hardly still believe this has actually happened. I think because it was at home and so so quick and if I’m honest really horrific to see we have been in shock. I can barely talk about it. It must be a self preservation thing keeping you from further hurt. Days are up and down I can hardly remember the first few days. I know we battled through Christmas Day and I cant believe we actually got through it. To have his unopened presents on the table and no dad I didn’t think I could hurt so so much. Hope you are all doing ok today? I will get more involved and open up more when I feel I can. Sorry I’m not much help at the moment to anyone x

Sam,
No one is expecting you to support us!!
We have all been where you are and although we are still in shock about our mums and dads, enough time has passed for us to have got a little bit used to it.
Talk as little or as much as you want. At the moment you will be in denial expecting your dad to return from the shops at any moment.
My mum died suddenly and without warning and even 6months on I still think I hear her key in the door or look for her in the kitchen.
You have a long road ahead but you are doing brilliantly
Cheryl x

I’m 12 weeks into the sudden loss of my Mum. It could be three weeks, as it’s a blur. It’s been traumatic, deeply painful and terribly upsetting.
The best advice I can give you Sam is make sure you eat and rest, as grief knocks the body and mind very hard. It must have been awful to have unopened gifts. Such an upsetting time of the year. It just magnifies everything.
Take care. x

I’ve been walking none stop because I either feel closer to dad walking in the park and seeing his favourite resting place or walking for the sheer fact it would wear me out enough to sleep but no nothing works. Sleep is something I use to do when I was happy. Now it’s just an emotional torture place to be. I can’t rest as there is no peace. No matter where I am home or out I find no peace no true rest. My body is so exhausted but is still carrying on. Eating is poor it’s either nothing at all, a cheese cracker or something small. I feel guilt even eating because he is not here enjoying anything with us. We took it right back to the eighties yesterday and brought a cheese toastie maker why I don’t know but both managed to eat one without it lodging in our throats like usual. I keep viewing things as stuff I use to enjoy before now nothing feels like it has any meaning anymore. Like the joy and laughter has been sucked away from everything I use to love x

Sam,

It has but bit by bit your energy and your appetite does return. Just do what you want to at the moment. Eat little but often to keep your energy levels up. Maybe avoid alcohol during the early days because it makes you feel even worse. Go for walks to keep your mind active. I took sleeping tablets for 10 days as I was becoming very ill with lack of sleep. I dont sleep well now but a short course of tablets just got my body through the most difficult stages.
Have you been able to arrange a funeral yet? It’s such a difficult time of the year and this will all seem so unreal for a long time to come x