Thought this apt?
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How are you Sam?
Rubbish really last week was hard but the weekend really sucked. I have a day or maybe 2 when I think of him all the time but don’t cry as much and feel hard to it all. Then I spent the next 3 days crying my eyes out just wanting my dad back. It just catches up with you. My heart felt like it had been pulled out squashed flat and then popped back in again. It’s exhausting isn’t it. How are u doing? x
That just about sums it up Jooles. Sure we can support each other and talk about our feelings. Sure we are not the only ones in the world to be going through this. Sure we can be surrounded by people we love and people who love us. Ultimately though, this is something we have to do on our own because nobody else can do it for us. The path does not lead us to what we once had or what we want but it will lead us to what we need and can actually have, and that is peace.
I’ve been busy with work although I don’t find it a distraction. I’ve also been doing things I should probably avoid doing, looking at photos, reading messages and reliving past events. None of it helpful.
I have picked up my French learning again though which has given me a worthy goal. I’m trying to stay enthusiastic but it’s hard work. Mum was very keen on learning and had lots of books so once again I am sad that she can no longer continue one of the things she enjoyed so much.
There is no escape is there? I’ve never really liked Mondays and now they are even less enjoyable.
I wish you all a peaceful week. Sorry you are having a rotten time Sam.
It’s just been a little over a month since my mum was taken from me. I am lying in bed thinking of her and what she may have been doing. I am just thinking to myself, this just does not get any easier to accept, if anything it is getting harder. Moving into the new house, mum managed to order most things before she passed away but there are some things I still need to get. I just cannot get motivated to do anything, I have to drag myself out of bed in the morning. Then when I am in bed, like I am now, I get thinking of the lead up to when everything went downhill, did I miss a sign, could I have done anything to reassure mum when I was looking out for the ambulance in my panic. It has my head to the point where it hurts yet I know at the time I did what I thought was right. How does anyone look towards the future when trying to deal with so many emotions. Now I am worried about my dad and whether he will get lonely during the days when I am at work. God, this is so hard. Just over a month ago we had the perfect life, everything was great and we were all looking forward to the future in our new house. Now we still have the house but we have lost mum, the reason I bought the house in the first place. The plan was for the three of us to enjoy it for many years to come. This life is so cruel.
Barrie,
I’m with you on all of that.
Cheryl x
Time seems to be accelerating and putting more distance between then and now, I’m not sure time really helps much.
I see you have similar thoughts to me and they don’t really help. I find myself rather stupidly looking at messages from this day last year. For example, this day last year we were discussing the delivery of her new washing machine I’d ordered as her old one had packed up. Mundane stuff, stuff I really miss now. Ominously, she said she has a doctors appointment tomorrow. Wasn’t ominous at the time but now I realise that was the beginning of her heart issues and angina. I was concerned at the time but I never in a million years thought it would result in her death just 5 months later. So obvious now though.
My motivation goes up and down like a yo-yo. I have to block of the memories of the stress on the day she died, the waiting after calling 999 was horrendous. The look on her face and me trying to keep everything calm as she was fighting for her life. I can’t deal with those thoughts so I keep them locked away otherwise I cannot think straight about other emotions.
Yes, life was perfect and now it’s not. Plans have been smashed up. So many things still don’t make sense and probably never will.
Thanks for sharing your thought Shaun
Everything everyone has said is so true. It’s reassuring to know we all feel the same. God this is hard. Hope the rest of everyone’s day goes smoothly x
Shaun
I wonder why my mum wasn’t seeing a doctor. With such blockages and evidence in the post mortem of a historic heart attack she must have been suffering pain. I dont believe she wasnt. Why on earth wasn’t she seeing a doctor?
I really wonder if her life could have been extended if she had gone
Hi Cheryl
Sometimes there are silent heart attacks which seems to be about 50% of them - not a very comforting statistic. It can feel so mild that it gets confused with
being almost nothing. I know a person who had bypass surgery last summer (1) docs told him he had a past heart attack - he had 0 recollection of that; (2) he was going to work every day, and felt fine! as his company does construction. His co-workers alerted him that he looked pale and sweaty, still he thought they were crazy. So they alerted his wife. Went to a cardiologist and discovered the past heart attack and that his heart was operating at a low level due to clogged arteries which is why he had the bypass.
So that is how! Scary
Ell
Hi ell
Thanks. It’s very scary.
I know mum frequently took heartburn medication but she had been told she had a stomach ulcer years before so she always out it down to that.
And her extreme tiredness she put down to rheumatoid arthritis so there you go. She managed to self diagnose and probably got it incredibly wrong.
How are you? X
Hi Ell
When the paramedics came out to see my mum on Christmas Eve, after her breathing with COPD became worse they ran a heart trace and when they looked at the results they were a bit vague with what they said. I think they said something like the trace shows some damage but this may have been the result of a previous undiagnosed heart problem, nothing to worry about. We didn’t think anything of it. Then New years eve everything went wrong, mum was rushed to hospital and she became unconscious in the ambulance. They put her death down as COPD but it makes me wonder whether there was something else, a heart attach or was it the result of damage over a number of years. Something I will never know, I am just at a loss how things went downhill so quickly after she was (not 100%) but okay during the day.
Hi Cheryl,
Sounds about right with your mom. I am at the point on this health stuff that I realize - we still have a long way to go to understanding our bodies. Your mom went to her annual check-ups right? How did her doctor know nothing?
My dad had just been to the cardiologist the month before. No symptoms, no changes in his EKG, 1 month later he died!
Thanks for asking how I am doing. For the past week, back to baffled as to how this could have happened to him. I know what you mean when you post about your lively fun mom. My memories of the first half of last year with my dad were the same as you - he was having fun. My mom really needs him. I don’t cry very often anymore. My emotions are stunned. I just wish that things were different and think about him alot - that said, I used to think about him 100% of every moment. I am now finding some peaceful moments when I can drift away to other thoughts.
Ell
Barrie
When mum went in for her operation I was there when she had an ECG.
The nurse said to my mum have you ever had a heart attack? Mum said no and we both looked at each other in surprise. They then went on to do mums operation an hour later and she was dead a few hours after that. I think to myself, if there were concerns about mums ecg results why did they still operate?
Could she still be alive now?
It does my head in barrie
Hi Barrie,
Its hard to wrap your mind around isnt it?
I guess things can go catastrophically awry and the body could not “right” itself. It does seem like there should have been a middle stage with your mom where she had a more gradual situation over the course of weeks or months. How are you and your family doing? Does anyone have a good explanation that feels comforting?
Ell
It is so hard Cheryl as I know we can never bring them back yet we beat ourselves up thinking of things leading up to that time which changed our lives forever. The thing is, how can you not analysis things. There is just no sense to any of this.
Ell
Mum saw a doctor regularly for her rheumatoid arthritis.they never questioned her other health.
She had only gone onto statins the year before. Something I find strange.
Even when they found something strange in her ecg just before her operation they didnt do anything.
I still think there were mistakes medically but what’s the point of exploring further? It’s not going to bring her back.
I go days without crying now but then have days where I cry at the drop of a hat. I’m still highly emotional and unpredictable.
I hope my daughter doesnt have all this devastation over me one day x
There isnt barrie. No peace at all
Barrie
My mum and I were having a good giggle and talking about our holiday just an hour before she died. We had to take some stairs back to the ward and I said are you ok mum? We can find a lift if you want? She said, if course I am you silly cow, I’m not on my death bed yet.
Those words haunt me