That’s what families do, moan at each other but only because we care for each other. Hoping everyone has an easier day tomorrow x
1 Like
Hi Daffy
Yeah I also have guilt about nagging. With my mum having COPD, I was always trying to get her to stop smoking. I did not succeed but I was always trying to get her to stop. If she had lived into her 80s I may have been pleased with my efforts but as she passed away at 73, I just feel I nagged her all of that time and even if she did stop, would it have really made a difference, but as Sam says that is what families do and I do know that, but it does not stop us beating ourselves up about it.
1 Like
Sam of course you are absolutely right. They would forgive us. After all, unconditional love is like that. Does that stop us feeling guilty? No, it doesn’t but it does mean that all of us here consider ourselves less than perfect, we can see our own flaws and strive to be better people. There are those in the world who think they are perfect, think they are always right and never think about the feelings of others. I don’t see those people here. The only people I see here are people who really cared deeply for those who have left, so much so that they are naturally overly critical of themselves. Me included.
Barrie
It’s only because you loved your mum and I think we’ve every right to feel angry that they didnt do the things we asked of them. If my daughter pleaded with me to look after myself better the way I did my mum, i would do it, for her.
But my mum was so stubborn and I’m angry that she could have had many more years
My mum smoked all her life. I used to nag Her when I was growing up. But then I stopped as she used to get cross and she would not give it up. But I always complained of the smell, for example if we went out for dinner I couldn’t sit next to her as she would be back and forth smoking . It actually made me really nauseous I feel bad about that now But honestly the smell makes me heave. Dad was diagnosed with COPD last January and he has stopped smoking. But I would go absolutely mental if he started again!!!
Joules
My mum gave up smoking 35 years ago but she would sleep all night in front of the tv and be awake all night, she used to miss meals and just sit and eat snacks, she never used to drink water. I really hoped all these things would improve when she moved in with us, but no.
I’ve read that the sleeping thing is a major contributor to strokes.
We will never know exactly what caused our mums deaths and I do accept that many people drop dead and they lead very clean, healthy lives, but it diesnt stop me being angry. X
Yeah i used to worry about mum and dads eating habits. And the smoking. Dad is on his own now and has no idea how to cook. Mum used to do it all. Bit some days she was so tired after working she used to just have weetabix or a sandwich for dinner. Dad could live on tea and biscuits
I too used to worry about mums eating habits. I always recommended that she cook something healthy and not rely on ready meals etc. Short of feeding her myself there was not a lot I could do to actually make her eat healthily. Sometimes she also would just miss meals and eat snacks. A common theme? We had her round to our place every week but that didn’t help either. I also kept encouraging her to get out of the house each day and go for a walk. Told her it was good for both physical and mental health. I would often invite her out with me on walks to give her some exercise. I did notice that she had become quite slow but she always put that down to needing to get fitter and lose weight and she would promise to make more effort, I now think perhaps there was another reason for her slowness, I just don’t know. Mum loved her biscuits too and hence the hobnob thing I posted about where she would always ensure we had a healthy supply whenever we went on holiday together. I could now sit here ask mum out loud why she didn’t look after herself better but there is no point thinking like that and in any case, it may not have made any difference.
I know Shaun. Maybe they were going at this age anyway but I do get frustrated when i think of mums years of lack of sleep, eating biscuits instead of meals like your mum and early days of smoking.
We just wanted them a few more years didnt we? I’m not saying we would be fine with them dying if they were 85, but it wouldn’t feel like such a waste as it does now, having lost all our parents in their early to mid 70s
I used to push/encourage my Mum to move. She do it rather reluctantly. Her body was also slowing down. I realised that she was getting older, but I never quite comprehend the reality of it all.
Yeah, it did not enter my mind that they could die in their early 70s, I just kept thinking that I would have mum into her 80s and then at that point I may have thought more about it. Looking back mum was slower (physically, not mentally) but I just put that down to getting a bit older. I kept trying to get my mum to do a little excersise but again in hindsight and looking back, I think she was probably too ill to do that. Maybe it was just wish full thinking on my part. Similar to being in the new house and thinking what it would have been like in the summer with mum walking around the garden and sitting out on the patio. Maybe even if she was still here, she may have not been able to do that due to her breathing and back problems. It just does feel like we have been robbed by loosing someone we love in their 70s. I just thought I would be nearing 60 before I lost either parents, not 43.
Before my mum had cancer she was working, going out with dad going on holiday. She was not frail or slowing down. I hate cancer took her away. Cancer took a friend at 45 so I try and feel thankful that mum was 70. But I can’t feel thankful. She just wasn’t ready. It still feels weird to say she had cancer. Because we only knew it for 2 days before she died.
I agree barrie. I thought I would be in my 60s too when I lost mum particularly when I had already had the misfortune to lose my dad at 27m
I’m learning life isnt like that
Cancer is awful jooles. On good morning television today they said that 50 percent if us will get cancer at some point in our lives
My best friend died when I was 26 and she was 35.
It was horrendous watching her decline.
My dad had cancer too. He was a strapping 17 stone 6 foot man that dropped to 14 stone in a few short months
A heart attack took him but I’ve no doubt the cancer was far behind
It’s bloody terrifying. Such a cruel disease. It takes people so young. And it’s not dignified either. Hate it. But I don’t think we will see a cure in our life time. It’s a constantly changing disease and each person is so different. And how the cells change into cancer is also just too complex for them to find a cure for
It’s very very scary.
I want to word it so much more scientifically/medically. Shaun where are you you are better at this. . But all those cells. In everyone’s bodies all so different. Each cancer unique to that person. How can they find a cure?
I think we have to go by the fact that they have come so far in the last 20 years.
When my friend got diagnosed with ovarian cancer in november 1996, she was told there was nothing they could do for her by February 1997. I watched her die slowly over the next 4 months. It was hideous and she suffered terribly. She died in July 1997.
Last year my sisters best friend got diagnosed with stage 4 ovarian cancer and I thought the worst.
A year on she is enjoying life, looks well and her cancer is currently unchanged.
We have to hope that the coming years bring further advancements
I’m not sure I can word it more scientifically. Yes, I hate cancer too just like everyone else, it just wrecks so many lives. It’s a strange thing when you think about it because it’s basically your own body going wrong. Normally if cells go wrong they have a handy self destruct mechanism but unfortunately, sometimes that mechanism fails and we end up with these damned cells replicating and eventually killing us. None of us know what is going in inside our bodies this evening, hopefully just normal processes but who knows? It may seem like the pace of cancer research is slow and that is certainly the case for some cancers which today still have a pitiful survival rate, but a lot has changed in the last 10, 20 years, it’s remarkable how people are surviving a lot longer now. I donate monthly to cancer research and have done for a long time as it’s one search I’d be glad to see the back of. My wife does the race for life every year since having to endure treatment for cancer herself. I remember that time as being absolute hell and the waiting on results etc was sheer torture. One of the hardest questions my wife asked me at the time before treatment was whether our daughter would remember her! That was a horrible thought. Luckily after surgery, chemo and radio therapy, she has been clear ever since. I think immunotherapy is one great way we can beat it, by harnessing the body’s own self defenses and without all the horrible side effects. Our body’s immune system can get to just about everywhere so it would be fantastic.
I watch the progress of research with great interest.
Actually you are very right. My friends mum has brain cancer. Cancer in her hip. And I think in her lung. She is still alive after immunotherapy 3 years later. Cancer really is our body turning on itself. How strange that a body can do that. Yet it does in so many other ways. Maybe in thousands of years our bodies will evolve further and will right itself. And everyone will talk about us in their history books like we to talk about the plague