Lost Mum 27/12/19

Although l have lost relatives before nothing can prepare you for the loss of a parent, especially mum. Mum had been unwell since September with what appeared to be a nasty flu virus picked up from the surgery, l had the doctor out 3 times and on one occasion he actually saud “l don’t know how to treat you because l don’t know what’s wrong” - seriously!!! Then “call me if she gets worse”, well despite telling him that my concern was that she had no appetite/taste he did nothing…mum and l even had to push for a simple blood test…After 4 months she was diagnosed as having kidney failure (couldn’t explain why) and lympoma (?). Losing my mum has hit me hard because not only did l care for her but we did everything together, holidays, days out, trips to the cinema/concerts and now l just feel so lost, alone and so very angry at everything…have completely no idea what my “path” is …

I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s hideous. I lost mum in August. And there are several of us on here who have lost our mums and we chat on here most days. You will find a lot of comfort from chatting to people who have gone through the same. My mum had a bad back. Then the “flu”. Dr kept palming her off with antibiotics. Did X-ray on back showed nothing. Then she collapsed after being in hospital for 4 days and running tests they said she had metastasised cancer with unknown primary. She died two days after we got the diagnosis. I’m still shell shocked and completely heart broken. Bit coming on here helps a lot. Be kind to yourself. It’s a long hard road unfortunately

Thank you for replying, sometimes it’s just you feel so alone and being with other people can make you feel worse. I will admit that its made me wary of doctors, mum hated hospitals/doctors because of her experiences when her dad was poorly…l try not to be too negative but being positive is hard…on the plus side l know she is no longer in any pain and is with her parents and she was home Christmas Eve which l promised her and we had a kind of scaled down Christmas so as not to overwhelm her…still haven’t opened her gifts because it feels wrong and l’d sooner have her back…still so much to sort through at home, no real support, men apparently react differently to grief, both my brothers have gone back to work which leaves me alone most of the time…friends and work colleagues have been supportive and seem to take it in turns to check on me so that’s another plus l guess…but the mornings and nights are the worst, my mind goes into either overactive mode or depressed mode both mean l don’t sleep - up to couple days ago l was sleeping in mums room, it helped…

Yeah I have massive mis trust of drs. I’ve heard so many stories like our mums. Mum hated drs and hospitals too. But unfortunately she died in the place she was most frightened of. So it’s wonderful to hear you got your mum home. I know for one thing. I’ll never trust an X-ray result again. She had tumours on her lung and it never showed up!!! Do whatever gives you comfort. My dad and brother went back to work straight away too. I’m still not working properly because I’m still struggling nearly 5 months down the line. And I don’t even care anymore I used to get stressed about it. But I took a massive step back and felt instant relief. I’m not ready for full time work. My job is workin with children with behaviour problems. No way can I do that job anymore. Not for a long time. I’ve lost all patience and I am depressed with mood swings and my anxiety is not great.

It’s been so terribly difficult. I’m glad you have supportive friends. I find evenings are the worst. But let those feelings come. Don’t fight them. And keep talking to people too. Don’t bottle it up

Apologies for not replying earlier, l am also currently not working and there’s no hurry for me to return until l’m ready…but l will try to keep talking it’s just there are only certain people l’m really comfortable with and not necessarily family either - my mums best friend is a real help and a few friends from work.

I haven’t talked to anyone much about mum. Only on here. I find people’s eyes glaze over now.

I’m sorry for your loss Lostlynne54, I understand only too well the grief hitting hard. I lost my Mum just over 3 months ago. It feels like 3 weeks ago. She died suddenly of pneumonia and a sudden heart attack in hospital. It was not expected, by me or even the hospital. I’m still in shock. I too was a carer for my Mum. For 23 years, so the loss is world/life altering.
I totally understand you saying “have completely no idea what my “path” is …”. Me too. If feel like I’m facing in a direction i don’t know. All we can do is take it one step at a time.
I also am not working. I’m not ready.
Not working will drain savings but I just don’t know what I’m doing. I’m grieving and foggy headed. I can keep my hand a bit by helping my partner with his business.
Mum too had a long term fear of doctors and hospitals. She also truly hated being separated from me. It’s a dreadful shame she passed away in hospital. She would have been a lot happier at home. Plus, unfortunately, for the two days she was in hospital she got no sleep, as a dementia patient was calling out for a relative all night. I witnessed in on night and it did not stop. Not the dementia patients fault.
Anyway, I’m glad you’ve found us on here. People are wonderfully supportive.

Hello, reading your words stops me feeling so alone, my mum had what they term “whitecoat syndrone” - just seeing a doctor or hospital would make her feel uneasy and panicked but l always told her “you’re an outpatient, it’s only a routine check up” but still she didn’t like it. One of the things she would always ask when in there was “when can l go home”…she was much happier outside of those places surrounding herself with the things/people she loved. We’ve had the funeral person round to discuss those arrangements luckily mum and l had discussed randomly what both of us would like at ours respectivity (have l spelt that right), anyway being a HUGE Elvis Presley fan it was kinda obvious what music she wanted played …I’m kinda happy that she was able to tell me what she wanted way before the time came, it made it a little easier, still very sad, but again l have been able to fulfil her wishes so far. As for me l feel like l’m constantly drowning, and l don’t really have good days just good moments now and then mostly l’m still very angry at the Universe in general, the thought of going back to work, at the moment, fills me with dread, conditions and my job hours all would have to change so it wouldn’t be the same - does that make sense - otherwise l’m doing exactly what l did before this happened…

I’m so sorry for your loss.
I lost my Dad 2 months ago, and like others it feels like no time has passed at all, yet when I think about him, it feels like I haven’t seen him in forever.
I’m also still not back to work, or back to University. I feel completely done in by the grief, I either can’t sleep or I just feel like sleeping al the time. I have no focus, I can’t do small chat and I can’t bare to hear of anyone else’s moans just now as they just don’t amount to the pain I’m feeling. Still feeling lost, heavy hearted and avoiding crowds like the plague. Anxiety and panic attacks have been so extreme, like I’ve never dealt with before.
I wish there was a manual on these things but it’s just left so open.
I would agree with taking things at your own pace and if you can take the time, do it without feeling guilty. Don’t let anyone tell you different, because they probably don’t understand.

Take care and keep using the site - probably the only comfort I’ve gotten is hearing of others in similar situations. As awful as that is, it shows we aren’t alone.

My mother was the type of person who got stressed out at the opticians. If fact the optician once had to tell everybody to calm down!

Hi, I lost my dear dad 8 weeks ago. He hadn’t been well for a few months with the Dr just giving him antibiotics which just didn’t help. By the time he was admitted to hospital he had stopped eating and drinking and just slept 20 odd hours a day. They tried for nearly 3 weeks to make him better but nothing worked. In the end we stopped all medical treatment and brought him home. He passed away peacefully 48 hours later. My mum was his full time Carer with me and my brother supporting where we could. It is so hard without him. We just try take one step at a time and try to keep moving.

My mum was terrified of anything medical. She had palpitations in a chemist. And I’m not exaggerating when the bastard consultant told her she had terminal cancer she was terrified and looked at me and cried “I’m never going home am I”. They should never have told her she had cancer. I told them not to. She died two days after they told her. So what good did it do? Nothing. In fact I think it speeded up her death. As they said she had a few weeks left. She went into such deep shock.bjess her heart.

Jooles, it is appalling that they told your Mum, especially since you requested that they didn’t. In a similar position - it would have been disastrous, if my Mum would have be told. Did you ever write a letter of complaint about it? Often, when ones grieving there doesn’t seem to be the energy to complain. I could have complained about mothers care. There were serious issues.
Hospitals, really do need to consider the personality they are dealing with before they divulge worrying or upsetting information.

HannahB, I’m so sorry for your loss. It lovely that you managed to get your Dad home.
My Mum passed away suddenly 13 weeks ago from pneumonia and a heart attack in hospital. She had been expected to make a full recovery.
My Dad passed away nearly 20 years ago, but it does of feel so long.
i can only agree - it is terribly hard. I’m glad you found us on these forums, as there is lovely supportive group here who understand.

I lost my mum last July after a cancer diagnosis. She passed 3 weeks later. It has broken me . I have felt so lost and feel like my happy self has long gone. I watched her go so quickly from a strong woman doing the garden, cooking dinner to a frightened lady in a hospital bed and it haunts me still I was sick from work when we got her diagnosis to when she passed. I struggled along and seemed to get a bit better. However a month ago I started struggling again and have now had to have mite sick leave. I dont think I’ll ever gwtvovefvit and get my old self back. So I empathise with so many of your comments. You think you are going crazy and the only one being weak as I see myself. Then I read through and think to myself maybe I’m not weak then just being normal after losing such an important person who I loved very much and miss so much. The pain is unbearable though xxxx

Dear Lynne,
I hope that you are feeling better, I felt the same when my dad died it is so clear in my mind over 30 years ago. In a way, I didn’t grieve as much for my mum when she died 8 years after. She pined to be with my dad.
I have written about her somewhere on this site and I won’t repeat myself, other than when my dad passed away, she was very bitter and difficult. Hardly surprising I suppose, they had loved each other since they were 10 and 12 years old, my dad had an amazing sense of humour which I am glad to say I inherited. It is a horrible feeling and in the early days when you think about them all the time, you feel as if you will never be happy again. You do feel happy again eventually, so take heart love, as my grandma used to say, It won’t always be dark at 7.
Take good care of yourself and make sure that you eat well.
Love,
MaryL x

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So lovely to hear that Mary. To give us hope on these awful early days of losing someone

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Always some nice words from you x

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Thank you, Jooles and Shaun. x

Thank you for your words of support, no two days are ever the same…emotionally speaking…at the moment l am calm and peaceful…it’s just trying to find a way to move forward and when…apologises for not getting back sooner…