2 months after being diagnosed with advanced liver cancer, my beautiful mum slipped away just after 7am yesterday morning.
Mum had been in hospital, the hospice, home for just over a week then back in the hospice on Thursday last week.
There were three of us there with her overnight last night and she deteriorated SO quickly (in a way this was a blessing, she said she wanted it to be quick at the end).
She was so agitated around midnight, convulsing, groaning, tensing up, etc and the subcut midazolam took 45 minutes to settle her, it felt like a lifetime.
I can’t believe she’s gone.
I gave up my job and spent every day caring for her which I’m so glad I could do, but now I have no idea how to relax or what to do with myself.
I keep having horrendous panic attacks back to back and can’t seem to calm down. I’m not sure whether I can survive this pain 
it doesn’t matter how many times you read about it or hear about it, people can never ever imagine this level of pain until they’ve felt it. It can’t be understood with words alone. I get that now.
My heart is broken, the person I loved more than anyone is gone.
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Hi Stardust,
Just wanted to say you are not alone ok and we are here for you. You are going through the worst thing in your life right now and my heart goes out to you. I had panic attacks at the very beginning so I know a little of what is happening to you.
You are in shock and all the rest of the emotions that come with his awful grief.
Just take small steps to get through each day and keep posting on here bec i know others will reach out to you very soon.
Post anytime
Love Deborah x
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Hi Deborah,
Thank you so much for your kind words, they really do mean a lot.
I had to just face 1 hour at a time today and I’m trying to be compassionate with myself, something that doesn’t come naturally to me (or any of us I think).
Tomorrow the funeral director is coming out to see us to discuss Mum’s funeral, she did meet with them when she was in the hospice so we have an outline to work with at least but it’s just the finer details we will need to decide on as a family.
x
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Hi
Reading your post was just like i had written it myself. My amazing mum also died of liver cancer 4 weeks ago and her agonising death sounds just like your mums. Mum had major bleeds from both ends and her last few hours she kept chocking her throat filled with the blood, moaning and agitated she was also given medazolam, this didnt work so morphine was used and this seemed to help her on her way. It was the most scariest thing ive ever seen but it was a relief after because i knew she wasnt struggling anymore. The last few seconds were so quick but it felt like eternity and all i can see now is how her face looked in so much agony although the nurses assure me she wadnt in pain. I find im crying all the time, cant sleep well, cant eat, feel numb, lost and alone. My heart is in a million pieces
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Hi Louise,
What a horrendous trauma for you to witness, and what an amazing daughter you are for sticking through it to provide your mum with comfort.
You are welcome to message me any time, I’m not full of wisdom or anything just yet but I certainly understand 
X
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I’m so so sorry to read about your mum. I lost my Dad to cancer in mid November & it’s heartbreaking watching them suffer 
I can relate to you with the panic attacks, they strike at random to this day, plus the insomnia, etc. losing a parent is the most traumatic thing. I’m too early in grief to have any knowledge but from what I read it’s important to allow yourself to go through all these stages as it helps you learn to live with it…hard to imagine I know. I’m still at the stage where I don’t know how anyone can move on with life after losing a parent.
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Hi and thank you for taking the time to reply
Im so sorry for your loss, I completely understand what you mean about how it feels to watch your loved one suffer, it is by far the hardest thing I’ve ever endured.
Please feel free to reach out to me any time, I always hold space for others x
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I have a similar storey to yours, I’m in agony. I’m 6 weeks in and it’s only getting worse. My dads ashes are coming tomorrow, his car was taken away today…I want to disappear off the face of the Earth, but I can’t. It feels like the only thing that will ever make it better is him coming back, but now that his ashes are coming I finally realise that that is never going to happen. I am broken, alone, and currently see no way out of the darkness. I have to put a mask on every day for mum, she’s got enough worries, but not being able to share my worries with anyone around me is breaking me down to nothing. I miss my Dad, I miss my old self, I miss our old life
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Those are such huge events, please be really kind to yourself as you navigate the coming days
I am also supporting my remaining parent (my Dad) and I think we do our best to shield them from further distress and pain but I wonder if talking to your Mum might make you both feel less alone x
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Hi
Its going to be hard day again for you tomorrow. I collected my mums ashes
today and as soon as i saw them a huge wave of emotion hit me and i was in floods of tesrs again. I say again as its been daily now for weeks, morning evening, middle of the day or any time really. I have had friends and family supporting me and that has helped. I know your mum must be suffering the same as you right now but you still have each other and maybe she would like to talk to you as much as you would like to talk to her. Support each other through this hard time, im sure your dad would tell you to be there for each other, take each day together, talk about how you feel, talk about the wonderful man you have both lost. I hope you can find comfort together❤️
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Thanks both. Tomorrow is going to be so difficult 
we do talk about what we’re feeling, every day really, but she’s become more and more persistent that I get better as it’s stressing her out seeing me so sad. If I don’t pretend to be okey, it only makes her worse which I can’t do to her. I am definitely getting worse but I can’t show her that so I hide it best I can. I moved back in with them when Dad was diognosed to help out so I’ve been here for it all and I feel so mentally & physically exhausted. I was so use to seeing him every morning and every night after work, he was my best friend and he suffered so much. I don’t know where to go for help, but I feel like I desperately need it.
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I’m so sorry that you’re experiencing pressure to hurry up and heal, if only we had control over it.
Could you try to explain that your journey will take as long as it takes? You knew him your whole life so it would be an insult to him if you didnt grieve properly x
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Hi
Have you spoken to your doctor, i really feel that maybe you need more help than a few supportive messages on here. Im sure your mum is only scared for you and worried that things might be gettin too much which is why she is pressuring you to move on so quickly. She cant understand what this is doing to you because im sure its not intentional. Please try to make her realise just how your feeling. Take care
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Your words resonate deeply with me.
I lost my mum to pancreatic/liver cancer in December after months of excruciating pain. There was never any peace for my mum, she suffered until the very end.
9 months ago I gave up my life to move back with my parents in my home country and look after her until the end. I left home decades ago so I found myself in this place both familiar and alien at the same time. I spent each and everyday with her, participating so intimately to her suffering I have had dreams I was her.
In July the doctors shockingly gave us 30 days, I had to stay strong with her and I started having panic attacks.
I feel when it comes to losing a parent to cancer the grief penetrates every aspect of your life in many different ways. There is obviously the loss, the void, the feeling of emptiness, the shock of it, the constant ‘WHY did it happen to me/us?’. Then there is also the trauma (I feel I have some form of PTSD), the HOW it did happen.
In my 40s I spent more time away from home than I did with my family but my mum was my anchor, my force. She enabled me to live my life fully, knowing that I was not alone, that someone loved me unconditionally, no matter what or where I was. I saw the world with her, through her.
Losing such love made me question my own existence and its relevance. I am atheist and cannot find comfort in religion (though I wish I could) and I have no children so no ‘push’ to keep going.
I know death does not spare anyone and yet grief is so personal and absolute I feel like I am the only person in the world dealing with it. This place of loneliness is extreme, brutal. Even though I have my dad, my brother, my partner. I just feel alone, starved of love, homeless in the world.
And yet, despite all of the above, even when I think I’ve reached the bottom…The thought that keeps me afloat is her. All that love she gave me cannot go to waste or else I’d betray her. If I don’t value my life, it’s as if I’d trash hers too.
I don’t think life can ever be the same. Life as I knew it is over. This is a new life that I do not know yet.
I will get to know it and mold around this void. I don’t know how but I will, I must.
Live it for her.
I am sorry we all had to meet here on this forum. But it eases my pain somehow, to know I am not the only one.
Thank you for sharing your stories.
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You speak beautifully and articulate this agony so well.
I am also atheist and really relate to what you said about wishing you could find comfort in religion.
My Mum wasnt actively religious but did take some comfort from the hospice chaplain and will be having a church service and I will do everything I can to make it the best show of love for her. I will embrace the church because it is what gave her comfort and I hope it will make me feel close to her.
I also have no children so again I understand the lack of purpose and will to keep going.
I remember thinking exactly the same when she was diagnosed about not wasting my Mum’s efforts in giving me life, bringing me up and sacrificing everything so she could always put me first. I am trying very hard to hold on to that.
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She’s definitely frightened about the effect it’s having on me, and I completely understand. She’s been sobbing all night tonight and it’s absolutely agonising to watch. My dad was always her comfort and shield against hurt and pain. He was always there protecting us all, and I know when he was very sick he was so worried about how we would cope. I’m doing everything I can to take care of mum and make him proud but inside I’m dying. I wish he would come back and fix everything, there’s so much that has gone wrong since he left. So much to deal with, so many things out of our control. I’m trying to count my blessings every day, the depression is kicking my ass. When does it get less painful, both physically and mentally?
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I’m so sorry for your loss the pain your going through my heart breaks for you
Everyone on this site have had similar exsperiences
The only advice I can give you is the same that I do take each day as it comes if you need to chat everyone on here will
Always reply it’s awful
It’s been 5 months now since I lost my mam I’m still lost
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Hi stardust2023
My mum wasnt religious at all, she wanted only a simple cremation service and even planned it all and chose her music. As a tribute to her myself and my 2 brothers each chose a poem to be read at the service, just an idea for you. Mum said no hymns no prayers and that was fine by us so to fill out the service pamphlet we filled it with beautiful photo’s of her from over the years. This has now also given us all a special keepsake, looking at it makes me cry but its a special thing to hold, mum would of loved it
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Hi polestar
I think you put it beautifully saying that this is a new life, its new for all of us and honouring our loved ones by filling this life to the full is a tribute to how strong our parents prepared us for this. My mum was a tuff old character at times but a more loving person you could never meet, she would help anyone and give you her last penny. I wana be just like her, thank you mum
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I’m so sorry for your loss, I lost my mum the end of October 12 weeks after her consultant told her the cancer she had battled 26 years and was cleared of was back in her hip bone and it was aggressive he gave her 6-12 months she only lasted 3 in that time she’d been in hospital twice fractured her hip and the last 5 weeks she spent in hospital before she passed away quietly I lost my best friend my mum that day, my heart was ripped out of my chest, I lost the person who meant the world to me and my children our whole life changed that day, Ive struggled so much with my emotions, not sleeping anxiety depression, havnt been able to go back to work yet, just when I thought I was getting the upper hand Christmas and New year put me right back to the day she passed, now I feel like I’m back in the dark hole I was in, I’m on medication now for the anxiety but even that gave me horrible side effects but think I’m past that now, all I can say is don’t hold it in, keep talking it helps, I don’t know were I would be right now if I had found this forum we have been helping each other no one judges we listen and support each other xx
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