Hi Lucy51
So sorry to hear about your mum, another amazing person the world has lost. My mum survived 3 months after diagnosis which is pretty much what we were told to expect so the doctors did finally get something right. She had been ill a long time but was misdiagnosed far too many times by useless doctors that passed her from one to the other. Christmas was hard for me too, actually wasnt christmas at all really but tried the best gor my grandchildren who are also devastated by their great grandmaās loss.
I only messaged on this forum a few days ago but im already finding it is helping, it is such a sad way to of all come together but at least we can listen and help if we can
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I know this is weird but could any one advise me on a dilemma about what to do about my mums ashes. Both my brothers want half each to scatter how they want but i just want her scattered as one, we couldnt of halved her when she was alive so why should we now. I know some families do this now but it doesnt sit right with me. Am i being selfish, should i consider how there feeling. This whole experience is painful enough, am i making it harder on myself
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It was the same for my Mum, she was so poorly for months before and the GP just kept fobbing her off with anti sickness tablets. She lost 3 stone in 2 months and couldnt keep anything down it was horrendous. It wasnt until she went to A&E after a fall that they finally did a CT as they suspected gall stones.
We were told 3 to 6 months by the consultant and we had her for 2 months after that x
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Did your Mum give an idea as to what her wishes were? X
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I donāt think you are being selfish at all. But in addition to our grief much of what comes after loss can be a redundant, unnecessarily tiring ordeal, which inevitably requires family compromises.
In my case I wish I could have just cremated my mum to keep the urn but in Italy is not really an option, my family disagreed re cremation anyway so I just had to accept it. My dad/brother find peace visiting the cemetery, for me the thought of her remains at the cemetery is enough to keep me awake at night.
In the end I just remind myself that all of these āritualsā are for the living, for us to find a way of coping with it. So we all try our own ways.
We already have so much to deal with. Unless it went against the wishes of the deceased I feel we can try and let go without further upsets.
Your mum is one and forever will be one in your heart.
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Hi
Thank you both gor that, yes mum had requested her ashes be scattered around the rose bushes at the crem but she only put this as didnt want us to have the hassle and she didnt ask either of us if we wanted to do something. Things have got a bit tense between us over the last few weeks each of us having different ideas over certain things although both my brothers left me to sort everything so i did take a lot on and your right it was an ordeal, for me anyway. When mum died in hospice that was it for me i didnt need the funeral she wasnt here any more, waiting 2 weeks for the cremation only added to my pain. Then now all this with the ashes, i just want it over with. Im not going to make visits to where her ashes are scattered i dont feel i need to do that my comfort will come from my memories and a few special pieces i have, so i guess its time to let go, let my brothers sort out her ashes and let myself have some time without all this hassle. I only need mum in my heart and that is where she will always stay, if she were here she would say do what makes you happy.
Thank you all for kind words and advice, we are all going through such a big change, our lives will never be the same again. Big hugs to allā¤ļø
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I really admire you, amongst all this grief and pain you are still thinking of others. Sending you a hug right back x
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Thank you my lovely, thats just how my mum was, always thinking off others and i pride myself on the fact im very much like her. She has left big shoeās to fillā¤ļø
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Hi Peppermint
Your doing so well supporting your mum and taking care of yourself, your dad will be looking down with grest pride and at wonderful you are. As for the pain your feeling, its still very early days for you and i canr put any length of time on your grief, it will be different for all of us. Hold on in there, give yourself all the time in the world if this is what you need. Big hugsā¤ļø
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Hi Charyll
Thank you for your kind words, we are indeed all experiencing the same grief but the fact we can try to support each other through this forum is a help. I wasnt sure i would gain much from messaging strangers but having now taken part in a few chats im feeling this really is a good thing. Its noot changing my grief but it is helping me understand.
5 months on for you and your still taking time to share, there are deff some very special people on here. Big hugsā¤ļø
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My mum had already arranged and paid for her own funeral just before Covid, she wanted a cremation she chose the song she was having and where she wanted scattered she didnāt want her kids to have to decide that, her ashes were separated some were scattered in the remembrance garden where her mumās ashes were scattered me my brother and sister each had a token and I kept some back to go with my dadās ashes when the time comes, they are going abroad where they used to go on holiday, I got pendants for me and my girls and had some of mums ashes put inside so sheād always be with us. I got these token tubes from Amazon, my brother is scattering his in the summer as he didnāt want to be there when we scattered mums ashes, we scattered her before Christmas cos my sister wanted too just said we were prolonging everything, so we never really had a choice, which I think should have waited for summer not in the winter but she always gets her own way so thatās what we did, havnt heard from her since Christmas day neither has my brother.
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Hi
Sad that your sister hasnt been intouch, my brother is the same really. To be honest we havent been close for years but thats another story. Mum also had a prepaid funeral but others stuck there nose in and things got to much, think this is the problem with family, we all have diff ideas. Thank you for the pic i hadnt even reslised you could get such a thing and the pendant idea is something my nieces want to do but i dont think its not for me. It sounds like as a family you had to make compromises over what you wanted, i do think its so sad that saying goodbye to a loved one cant be done without all this, its hard enough and disputes over what to do only makes it harder.
Big hugsš©·
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Iām glad my mum sorted it before hand we just had to put everything in motion, I didnāt want to scatter mums ashes so soon and especially not before Christmas but my sister said that was best without a thought for anyone else, my brother left her to do it, sheās just rang and I missed the call I donāt want to ring her back because I have an idea she wants to go through mumās stuff and I donāt want to donāt know why she is bothered she doesnāt live there, I will do it when Iām ready. She thinks cos sheās the eldest she can take over but sheās not bullying me into doing it cos she wants too.
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Hi
Im sure your sister isnt trying to bully you hun, she prob just feels she needs to do it now just as you feel you need to wait. We all handle things differently. I had to empty mums flat straight away within 2 weeks. She was in an assisted living complex which was brilliant for her and gave her a new quality of life for the last year. Anyway choice to do the clearance was taken away from me, so i went into it determined to get it all done as quick as poss and although it was hard i tried to close myself off from what i was actually doing. The fact that ive now got that out of the way is a relief bacause putting it off would of made it even harder to face in the future, no time would of been good but for me it was best. For you, if more time is what you need then you tell your sister you need that time, just try to bear in mind what she may need too. I hope you can sort this together without stretching this void between you. After all she did phone you so maybe she is holding her hand out to you, you wont know if you dont give her a chance. At the end of the day you have both lost the same, your wonderful mumā¤ļø
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Hi Lucy,
Just want to say i am sorting my mums house now after leaving it for a year. It is just as hard to do as it would have been at the beginning. I cry exactly the same and although I feel stronger in many ways i am also very weak when it comes to dealing with mums personal things,. There is never a right time.
I think we feel so emotional at this time that we pick up on anything and everything someone says. Just explain to your sister that you are not ready yet but you will let her know when you are. Give yourself time and take as long as you need. There is no rush. Maybe you could suggest sorting her things together.
I too am sorting my mums things and both my brother and sister live far away . I offered them to join me but they said they would leave it to me . i have offered lots of things to them to make them feel i care about them and even though they dont want anything I have made up some boxes of items for them and will deliver them to them when I finish. Its just a sign of grieving that they have declined wanting anything and will regret it in later life so i am going to just box some things for them
Whatever you do try to avoid falling out with your sister because I am sure your mum would never want that. Dealing with people though is very tough and worse in grief so let anything anyone says to you go over your head. Rise above things and do your mum proud which I am sure you are
Love
Deborah x
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This sounds so similar to what my Mum wanted - she wants some of her ashes scattering in the garden of remembrance where her Mum was scattered, each of us three girls would like some for jewellery (my brother hasnāt said whether he wants any yet but I doubt it, she wants some scattering in Hornsea where her and my Dad always went to the coast and then some to be with my Dad when he passes but he isnāt sure what he wants yet for his own so we will keep them back and it will become clear in time.
Those on the picture are beautiful <3 x
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Yeah my dad has also arranged his so I donāt have to do it, heāll be scattered with mum then part will go abroad we had a special scattering tube made with photos of my mum and dad on when they where on their holidays, mum made him sort it as she didnāt want him to leave it to me. It good that they had plans in place, as I donāt know how much longer Iāll have with dad Hes 91 now so every day is precious after what Iām going through losing my mum.
Hi
It sounds to me like we all had some very special parents who wanted to spare us all extra heartache when the time came. What inspirational mums/dads they were and how lucky were we to of had themā¤ļø
Missing you mum everyday, thank you for always caring, you were and still are amazingā¤ļø
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Iām in tears feeling your pain lovely & send you hugs a plenty. You are definitely not alone which I have found since I posted here myself.
Life has changed as we knew it on xxx
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Hi Willow12
Im not sure who your message was for but il thank you from all of us. Good to feel so much love and support. Big hugsā¤ļø
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