Lost my boy. Aged 36

Hi. I lost my lovely son on 31 st march 2018. He flew helicopters in the Royal Navy had been married for 8 months and was happier than I had ever seen him
He went with some old school friends to Norway for a weekend as it was his birthday on 30.3 He went to sleep that night and they found him the next morning we do not know what caused this .
I have two other children but my youngest is also terminally ill and actually has her brothers bone marrow !!!
I don’t know how to go on. I go to sleep every night hoping I too will just not wake up. But every morning I am still here. My tummy is always churning and I am feeling so sick. My poor husband is struggling so much but trying to hide it and my middle child is beyond heartbroken at the loss of his big brother. I fear every day and just no longer want to be here. What did people do to help them get through this living hell xx

Hello Richard’s mum

What has happened to you, your husband, children and your poor daughter-in-law is so heartbreaking, a sudden death is the cruellest of things. Especially with your youngest so ill as well. I am sure you are all in a state of shock and disbelief over what’s happened.

Don’t try to hide your grief, keep talking to your family, talk about Richard and try to be there and help each other at this awful time.

Take care, and stick together, J x

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Hi

So sorry for your loss. I wish I had an answer…but I don’t. Just that we have to keep going for our other children

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Hi Richards Mum, im so sorry to hear your horrendous story. The impact on you and so many of your loved ones is devastating. Each person feeling this terrible loss. Its so difficult to take in, exhausting and will never be understood. There are many posts on this site from people describing how they they are affected, feel and try to cope. There are times when nothing helps but you may find that the posts help you to understand you are not alone in this mish mash.
Love And thoughts to you. X

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Thank you so much x

Dear Richard’s mum, I am so sorry for your loss. I have just come across this site desperately looking for others in this awful boat. My (37) year old sister died on 30 March this year after a very short sudden illness - a day before your son so sadly died. She was my only sibling. My parents are broken. It is truly awful. I guess I am not helping here by writing this to you - but I hope you don’t feel alone. It is like a parallel universe at the moment and it is hard but to not cry all the time as the reality suddenly hits at unexpected times. It is so super early, you just have to get through day to day at this stage. You do have to go on though. You’ve got a daughter that desperately needs you and is probably terrified right now and another child that is feeling like I am! Keep going, look after yourselves and be strong XX

Thank you. Yes it is like a parallel universe. I keep finding my son’s possession despite him having his own house and I just want to scream and lash out !!!
My middle child is feeling like you. He just said that whenme and his dad are gone he will be totally alone from our once right knit family of five.
I hope you and your parents can support each other through this. Xxxxxxx

Thank you. You just mentioned ‘lash’ ing out’. Well my mum is also feeling super angry at life , the medical profession, ignorant people. I think it is a common emotion! Harder for you as parents, I so feel for your middle boy. My sis was terminally ill for nine weeks - it was the worst nine weeks (even worse than this in terms of extreme anxiety and how / when it was all going to end). I so wanted a crystal ball, but at the same time wanted to savour the moments. You are SO going through the worst thing imaginable (times two). Not many parents have to experience what you are going through. Hang in there X

I suppose the anger part of grief is well recognised
I can’t see me getting any better as I can’t bare the thought of never seeing my wonderful son again . I text him a happy birthday message on the 30th and he read it but for once he didn’t answer it as he was having such a brilliant time on Norway
There are so many people going through these emotions. It is so sad for us all isn’t it. And so bloody lonely xxxx

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I know the physical and emotional pain you are going through. It is relentless and it is so hard to comprehend what has happened. This site has been such a support over the last year for me after losing our son and I hope you too will find help. Just knowing that others share your anguish and the injustice of what has torn your family apart will help a small amount. I send my love to you. Don’t rush and be guided by yourself. Take care of yourself and cherish those good people around you. Wynne

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So so sorry for your loss Richard sounds such a wonderful boy, and that makes it so much harder.Sometimes I think God only takes the best , As my beautiful Dawn was only 46 years old when she passed and she was such a wonderful person. Take each day as it comes and if you want to scream and lash out just to get rid of some of the pain you are feeling its the best thing you can do ,as know one else will know how much you are suffering . Sending love Maddie x

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Thank you. Yes maybe only the best die early My days seem to be getting worse each day at th moment. And believe me I have screamed and screamed and screamed
Much love. Jill xxx

Hi Richards Mum…I totally know how you are feeling,we lost our son very suddenly and totally unexpected on 4th Dec 2017… my husband found him, there was nothing that could be done for him he was already dead…just writing those words take me back to that day of utter loss, grief ,shock and wondering how life can carry on. the first few weeks I felt like a robot doing things because they had to be done…I felt selfish because I was only thinking of how I felt of MY loss…then I saw my he- man of a husband in tears it was only then I thought it’s our family’s loss not just mine .

Christian will always be a massive part of our family I have come to realise just because we can’t see him doesn’t mean he’s not here he helped to make the family we are today, and I am so very proud of him…

Love and kisses…Marina xx

You sound so brave I can’t imagine ever being able to look at it like you do

My husband,Mal, is often seen crying or just laying awake staring at the ceiling in the dark hours of night I do try and remember how he is feeling but then I get overwhelmed by my own self pity

Your poor husband finding Christian. That is something no one should have to do It took two weeks to get Rich back from Norway so we couldn’t see him after that. My other son went to Norway to bring his brother home and did see him. But I didn’t get to do that

Thank you for your kindness in your reply xxxx

Hi Richards mum how awful for you especially when your other child is so ill. I have found this site very helpful since my son died age 27 in April this year. I still only think about the next 5 mins which was advice given to me on the day Sam died. Everything else like tomorrow, next week or next year is just to unbearable. Every time I feel myself going off down the road of say,what about Sam’s birthday 22/6 I bring myself back to let’s just do the next 5 minutes. I don’t know how helpful that is too others or how long it’s possible to continue to do this but it’s the only way I can cope.
Take care
Sal xx

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Dear Richards mum,
I am so sorry for the loss of your son, it is beyond heartbreaking.
I lost my precious daughter on the 1st February (sometimes I can hardly believe I am writing this) and it is such a hard road. I now know the meaning of ‘the madness of grief’.
I am glad you have found this site because it has helped me enormously as people here do understand our thoughts and feelings and I somehow feel as though I am among friends who really care.
Keep posting if you can, it is a very safe space.
Much love to you xx

It is hard to take it in isn’t it. I still talk of Rich in the present. And I don’t think I will ever feel any better than this. I hate Fridays and Saturdays as it happened on a Friday night/ sat morning. But this site does feel so very helpful xxxxx

Hi , i am so sorry to hear the loss of your son, i lost my beautifull daughter 2 years ago,i can only say that i know how you feel,i am thinking of you and your family at this time.I think you have to take each day by day it is the hardest thing to loose a child as we expect to go be for them. I send you all my love and know i feel your pain. Love Carole. xxx

Hi,

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my daughter to sudden death 6.1/2 years ago. I just want you to know that there is support and the feelings you have are perfectly normal. We should not out live our children. It is wrong. Richard is in your heart and would want you to try and carry on for your husband and other children. There is support and if I can help at all please do not hesitate to contact me. My thoughts are with you.

Kind Regards
Catherine

Hi Richard’s mum

It is a living hell, you wonder if you’ll ever come through it. What helped me was to try to live in the moment, don’t think too far ahead, and be patient with yourself. My daughter died just over 17 months ago, aged 35, and I often think about the moment before we got the phone call telling us she was dead, when life was still normal. It was Christmas Eve morning, so much to look forward to. Life hasn’t been normal since, it never will be - that’s how fragile life is. Although at last I have more good days than bad I still find taking a day at a time is too much so I split each day into sections and somehow get through, but after years of confidently planning ahead it’s a hard lesson to learn.

I don’t know if it gets easier with time, or if you just get used to the pain and find ways to cope, but don’t expect too much too soon, and share how you’re feeling with the people around you that you love and trust so that you can support each other. Thinking of you and sending love and hugs, Kathy xx

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