Lost my dad yesterday

Hi all,

I’m sorry to burden other people with my issues but I lost my dad yesterday afternoon. He had two different cancers that had spread and he was given months to live in January. I travelled down to see mum and dad yesterday (I live 3 hours away) and it was to see him, hold his hand and he wanted to chat about finances and what we should do when he’s gone. He wasn’t a well man but still eating and drinking and talking, albeit he was in pain. I was downstairs yesterday with mum making scrambled eggs for him as he wanted them for his lunch, then we went upstairs and dad was struggling to breathe… we lost him within an hour. An ambulance cane to him although they were such a long time and mum and I had to witness 30 mins of torture for dad- screaming, yelping, gasping for breath and shouting ‘kill me off, just kill me.’ The ambulance crew settled him eventually and he drifted away peacefully in the end but he was staring at me with huge, desperate eyes when he took his last breaths. I don’t know how I can deal with this. It’s all I can see and it’s consuming me.
I’m so sorry for the long post…

Thanks,

Sophie

Hi Sophie, I am so sorry. I watched my husband and mum die within weeks of each other. I won’t say I know how you feel because that’s not a right thing to do. Before my husband died there was a night when he was actively dying in front of my eyes. I can still hear the noise of his breathing. However he pulled through but sadly died days later. The images of my Andy dying are still with me, however I can sometimes push them away as you may learn to do.
This site is so supportive so please stay with it. The people on here are lovely and you can put how you are feeling and you usually get a response. I read all the other posts and they help me too. I really hope you get some comfort from this site. Take care Sophie and don’t ever be sorry xx

Hi. Sophie. Welcome. As Andy says, never apologise or feel sorry about posting on here. We all know only too well and understand.
Your time with your dad in the last moments was traumatic. That takes some dealing with, and the pain is indescribable. Memories of such traumatic moments can linger for some time. It’s far too early to say anything that will ease your pain. That will come in time. There are many kind folk on here who have been through similar ordeals as you and no doubt will help if they can. You are in a safe place here because there will be no platitudes just understanding. Don’t hesitate to come back and talk if you want.
Blessings and take care of yourself. John.

Hi John. We’ve never spoken before, I often read your posts. You have such a way with words you are very comforting. I just wanted to say that. My name is Tracy my husband was Andy bless him.

Hi Jonathan.Ive just joined today,left it very late to seek help…my parents died within 18 months of each other,but 10 and 12 years ago…I’ve recently started to self destruct as I think I have PTSD,when you mentioned seeing a loved ones face before they die it is traumatising .Even though 10 years ago,it still haunts me to this day.

Hi Sophie,I’m so sorry for your loss.Your post hit home with me as you said your Dad looked at you with huge desperate eyes and my Dad did the same before he was put back in a coma as his body couldn’t deal with waking up.Ive only just joined today as I need help even though it’s been years since I lost my parents ,I’ve never dealt with it.im a bottler. Smile through gritted teeth,but all the posts I’ve read so far shows me we aren’t alone. You’ve shown great courage in opening up.I wish I had earlier but I’m here now.Take care.xx

Hi Tracy. So sorry to have got the name wrong. I hope it didn’t upset you. We are so vulnerable when in grief. Thanks for your kind comments. Take care.

Those images are all consuming. I’ll never forget my mums wide frightened eyes. On the day she died she was mostly unconscious and I felt so relieved that I didn’t have to see her frightened little face. At least unconscious she seemed peaceful. But her last breaths will be etched on my memory forever. I am able to block out those images a bit better now. At first they used to flood my head. But I’m a bit stronger at locking them back in a box at the back of my brain

That’s heartbreaking,oh I’m so sorry.I said to my brother he only woke up one last time to see his son.

You didn’t upset me at all. Easy mistake to make with my tag. That’s who we were Andy & TJ. You take care too

I firmly believe me and my dad have a bit of PTSD watching mum those last two days. She had a terrible fear of dying. And here she was dying. And she knew it. I never want to see that look in someone’s eyes again

I hear you.My mums eyes looked like that when I left the hospital, she was only being treated fir a viral infection but I believe she knew it was going to kill her.I didn’t want to experience pain again like it,18 months on,lost Dad too.

It’s OK Fireking. You have come here at the right time for you. Nothing happens by chance. It matters not in the least about time. 40 years or more can bring back memories that upset us. Time does and can help, but so often it seems to be an enemy rather than a friend. It may be that ‘bottling up’ emotions when it all happened could be causing your pain. There is such a thing as delayed grief. Now, once again, there is no time limit on this. I often think of my parents with whom I didn’t get on, but it still gives me a little twinge of remorse when I think about it, and that was 40 odd years ago.
Please come back and talk if it helps. You will not find a more understanding lot anywhere as on here. We all feel as if we are falling apart. I doubt very much you are self destructing. I would suggest that if emotions arise let them come. So many try to maintain a stiff upper lip when it’s not necessary or advisable. Suppressed emotions can only cause harm
Take care and hope to see you again. John.

It’s something I have to try to do something about,I was sober for 6 years and relapsed with a massive bender. I’m trying to do damage limitation but it keeps happening when I let the suppressed emotion get to me.My beloved fiance Tim had heart attack in March and I’ve been scared ever since.Hes ok and doing well,but I’m scared every day as I know my heart wont take any more breaking.

We thought mum had a viral infection too then they told us and her it was terminal cancer. Her face. Oh my god it was just dreadful I really have to think of something else when that image pops up. She died two days later. Thank god she went quick. That sounds terrible but she was so so frightened. It’s the way she would have wanted it. Quick

There is a blessing in that,they always say it’s the ones left behind…after mum had died the dr confirmed she had bone cancer and her body was too weak to have handled any treatment.So I’m comforted in the fact she went when she did as I didn’t want her suffering.

But that was what I was saying. You say you must not let the suppressed emotions get to you. Allow them to!! Let them go. Emotions are mental energy. ‘Bottling up’ causes them to turn inward, and that can cause physical as well as mental problems. We feel we must not allow our emotions to rule us. But in grief it’s natures way of releasing that energy.
Different rules apply in bereavement than in normal life.
We all have been given the same amount of courage, if we can use it. It takes a lot of courage to go through this pain, but it can be done.
Blessings.

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I’m so sorry you lost them both so close together. You barely had chance to grieve.

I put my energy into making sure Dad was ok.When he died I had nothing…well in my head I had nothing,my brother and sister lived away and they’d do what they could but I was alone.

That’s what I’m doing too. Looking after dad making sure he is ok. It’s so hard for everyone.

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