Just feeling that I need to say that I lost my dad yesterday. That’s all. There’s no need for any reply. I am welling up again but haven’t the strength to type more. Just wanted a little honour of him my lovely dad. I love you so much dad, and thank you for saying to me you loved me too; I’m so glad I recorded that. Heartbroken. Tears. rest in true peace daddy, rest in true peace I hope your soul is up there and meeting again the souls of your own past loved ones, your own mum and dad. I hope, I hope, I want to believe this can be true for you. Silly, I just want to ask you how was it daddy? Dying? How was it? Did it feel spiritual, or was it sheer pain and suffering and fear and heartache and agony, especially because I wasn’t there? Will I live to regret that. Already I wish I could have a chat with you, whilst tucking you as I always did, giving you your two hot water bottles each night, leaving you with all your nighttime drinks lemon squash, banana Complain, warm tomato soup in bottle too, and two separate wrapped jam sandwiches with the crusty cut off, tucking you in at your feet, making sure everything was in reach your TV remote control, then say love you daddy ‘jo esecat’ good night in his born first language. Your life has been taken too soon, you had a bit more time left I know that, you knew that; but about this sad fact another time. I kept you safe all through lockdown; this summer I got you out into the garden when it was hot. Weak and frailer you became. Single handedly looking after you on my own, but with grateful assistance from a few trusted kind friends who wanted to help you and help me. I wish it could have all continued and worked out. You were already talking about Christmas months ago, but tragically you never got home, you never got back home. Imprisoned on a ward, cot sides up left to deteriorate… Yes, every visit heartbreaking for me, powerless to get you out of that hell hole hospital, your human and legal rights stolen away from you as a Deprivation of Liberty conveniently put on a man who just wanted to go home to die, doubtless yo live more, but just go home, his last wish, denied him, thus do not believe everything the ward staff say… There’s an agenda when it comes to elderly frail, they’re highly vulnerable to be put on the ‘death’ pathway and that’s what happened to my dad, so much unnecessarily morphine he lost the ability to swallow, so basically he dies from starvation and thirst. Don’t believe the smokescreen excuses the ward give. My daddy suffered imprisoned on a ward. I tried everything to get him home but was powerless up against the might of the hospital legal strongarm. It’s callously about economics not Ethics. Tick box rules, not the wishes of the sentient human being. It was nothing short of euthanasia. That’s why my grief is filled with anger and the trauma of seeing how undignified he was treated in the ward, the hell ward. ‘Managed Deaths’ are still common practice but a taboo subject. My poor ole dad suffered this. I’m so sorry dad, I love you so much. I will try to pray for you daddy for your soul to be frey and at peace in the heavenly realms. I need to believe this or I’ll just go mad with anger and grief and doubtless depression. I need your strength dad, I need your strength, and I want to be strong for you now, because I know wherever you are you’re worrying about me. Love you daddy. I’d better stop all this typing now. Can’t see for all the tears and burning in my heart xxxxx. “I’ll love you to the day I die” you said to me, thank you daddy and I know beyond too xxxxx miss you
Cordy, thinking of you, here to listen when you’re ready x
Thank you. I lost my dad over xmas as I knew the hospital would do that; one day he could eat and speak a bit, next visit morphined up, tongue hanging out , morphine side effect stops ability to swallow, so to my distraught he couldn’t swallow and just had some miniature 2cm brush thing to moisten his lips and a suction machine basically to my grief and horror and anger they were preventing my ole dad from swallowing so that he would die of thirst and hunger. Killing not caring. Hospitals can get away with that when someone is elderly. I’m heartbroken but just imagining the distress and suffering my poor thirsty dad would have gone through until they eventually killed him off. I know what happens, it’s still Liverpool care (death) pathway under a new name. But what power do loved ones have to complain or prove this. He was fighting to the end not to die, because it was clear in his bright eyes he knew he was being killed off before his time. But it’s about economics not ethics or kindness. NHS are legally powerful to get away with doing this to elderly vulnerable frail. My dad had longer whether it was weeks or months,he was killed off well before his time, thus not a natural death. They cruelly did not let him come home to me. I am tortured with the distress of the suffering my dad went through, imprisoned on a ward, held against his will, in the snare of a hospital that have targets and old people like my dad are easy targets for ‘managed’ death, backdoor euthanasia’. My apologies for such a distressing comment again from me but google it. I don’t think it’s right. I’ve worked in hospitals and did Nurse training decade’s ago but didn’t go into it,but I Know what happens, and it’s all too regular a practice. It’s sinister for elderly who just want to return home and not be morphined off, gaslighted that they are dying anyway. But who would dare to criticise the NHS… You can’t win. They’re in the pockets of big pharma too. I will be doing a big complaint but have little faith that the truth will transpire. Gutted and heartbroken my poor dad ever went into the snare of the hospital system when he could have just stayed cosy and cared for at home. Love you dad I’m so sorry. Love you so much daddy. Miss you. i wish I could have saved you from that hell ward. You’d be here now I know xxxxxxx Love you daddy
My mum died on Dec 30th and I went through a similar experience to you whilst my mum was in the hospital. Yes she was 89 yrs but was a very strong lady but they wouldn’t operate due to her age. I was helpless like you and begged them to operate. It did no good and they too starved my mum until she was so weak. She wasn’t even allowed a cup of tea so I had to sneek her a few sips of my own when they were not looking. Yet when she came home after 19 days they told me she could have anything she wanted to eat and drink. They had starved her for nothing except to run her body completely down. I couldnt get her to another hospital for treatment. In the end I managed to take her home for the last 3 weeks of her life with pallitive care help. I agree with everything you say about elderly patients being written off in hosp. It was devastating to watch. Even the pallitive care team told my mum without any consultation with myself that she was being fast tracked home as she was going to die. Then had the cheek to ask her in front of a roomful of staff how did she feel about that. Please forgive me for being blunt but I am so angry at the moment. I feel your pain as much as I feel my own.
I’m so sorry to hear of your sad loss too. Thank you so much for your reply, which I’m going to read properly tomorrow as I’ve only a minute online at the moment and just seen your reply. Thank you. very grief stricken and then I try to stop the thoughts etc but I’ve just checked this forum and I will reply tomorrow as I’ve only a few minutes. I am so sorry to hear of your sad loss too. I’m sorry I don’t know how to word my sympathies correctly. You are in my thoughts now, and I’ll read your reply properly tomorrow. Kindest thoughts your way.
Thank you for sharing your reply and my apologies I’m in such a bad way today I can hardly reply, except to say I’m so so sorry to read of your loss of your dear mum. As I type here I can’t re read everything but I am glad you got your mum home at least, but I so understand the anger too at how the staff spoke. It breaks my heart just hearing about how people are literally starved and thirsty. It shouldn’t be for us loved ones to have to sneak food and liquid in to our loved ones, but I did exactly the same. Currently I’m just holding back huge grief tears because my poor dad was still there inside and how he’d wave at me as I left, we both ‘knew’ we were helpless. I’m sorry to go on. It’s difficult knowing the right words. I know I have to put in a complaint and yes I did have to secretly record things. But currently I’m just going through the agony of re living my every sad visit to that hell hole ward. My apologies if I’ve spelt your name wrong or not replied properly but I can’t re read as I type. There’s no reply needed but I thank you for your words and appreciate it is just so recent and the grief is all over place. I’m sadly having to clear my dad’s rented home and I just don’t know how I’ll get it all done by end of month. If he’d have died naturally I could cope better, but knowing his life was ended on purpose, just too soon via callous hospital decision is breaking my heart continuously. my apologies for such a negative reply. I do not want to bring you or anyone down. Thinking of you and everyone going through unbearable grief xxxx
Aww Cordy I fully understand. You had such a similar experience yo me with the hospital I am in the deepest grief I can imagine Cant get worse than this. I am thinking of you too ok and I know the pain you are going through. Just know I am here for you if you ever want to reach out
Cordy I found this today . Hope it helps you just a tiny bit
For all who have lost loved ones along lifes way… This is one of my favorite poems by Helen.
When I must leave you
for a little while
Please do not grieve
and shed wild tears
and hug your sorrow
to you through the years
Start out bravely
with a gallant smile
and for my sake
and in my name,
live on and do
all things the same
Feed not your loneliness
on empty days,
but fill each waking hour
in useful ways
Reach out your hand
in comfort and cheer,
and I in turn
will comfort you
and hold you near
be afraid to die,
For I am waiting
for you in the sky
BY, Helen Steiner Rice
This has been written beautifully and resonated with me after recently loosing my dad 5 days before Christmas. He was in and out of hospital with the same symptoms and the hospital seemed unbothered by what or why. I saw my dad on a Thursday night. Chatting and coherent. We was discussing him coming home to me where I could look after him like I did before. I left saying I loved him like i sways did. The next morning I popped in and I didn’t recognise him. Nobody told me about an unwitnessed fall he had at 3am that morning (no idea how he fell out of bed). The fall was so bad he had multiple fractures around his eye socket. The day after he was on oxygen. The following day he passed. The last time I saw my dad it looked like he had a fight with Tyson. Yes I’m angry but mostly sad for my Dad. How dare they let that happen and make that the lasting memory that’s ruined a lifetime of lovely ones. Thank you for letting me share this with you. What your going through - I get it. Often I struggle to breathe through the loss of my dear loving happy go lucky dad. Stay strong.
I went through a previous thing the previous time my mum went into hosp I was only allowed to stay to visit for 45mins per day and even though i asked if i could they said no to me staying the night My mum was in a single room so it didnt affect anyone Anyway she too fell out of bed despite having the bar rails up and had a ct scan to look for any damage Thankfully none but i wish they would be more compassionate and let relatives stay with elderly patients
Dear everyone who has replied and for those lovely poem words. I so appreciate your words and replies. I feel some validation when I read of your experiences of loved ones and especially when we as family/ loved ones know, yes we know something isn’t right but for me powerless to put things right. I’m struggling with words because just saying the word dad has me welled up in tears. I will add more to this thread of comments but currently I’m just still too grief stricken and angry and figuring out how to word my eventual complaint/s etc as obviously I know I’ll be fobbed off. I’ll reply more when I’m a bit stronger but I am truly thinking of you all who comment here and your loved ones and what was experienced too. I can barely word things as it feels too painful. Had my dad died naturally I could accept that more, but I am yes probably torturing myself with all the upset frustration confinement and thirst and hunger he was put through in order for the ward to finish him off. Again apologies for my own bluntness again. I am sincerely thinking of you all too who have commented here. You have given me comfort and strength. I’ll update in due course or inform if I do any new thread conversation for example the list of my complaints that the NHS trust need to account for but of course I doubt any of my complaints will be upheld, especially because they are strongly legally covered. But I have to do this in a few weeks. Take care everyone x Cordy
Cordy, I had a pallitive care nurse phone me yesterday saying after what i had been through at the hosp she thinks i should put a complaint in Like you I am raw in grief so don’t know yet whether I can do it . Just want you to know i am thinking of you Keep posting when you can and let us know how you are
Honestly it’s important to do complaints BUT from experience you have to expect they’ll do everything to kind of put you off pursuing it. This is just a brief reply for now, but I am quite experienced with complaints procedures and the ‘game’ organisations play to put you off, fob you off etc… They’ll try to wear you down.
BUT firstly my advice is only deal with things in writing because verbally it doesn’t count for anything and they have skilled complaints handlers that will want to SPEAK with you only to either put you off or get you to say something that they can then use to invalidate your complaint. It’s a game… Their aim is to NOT uphold any complaint and to DETER you from afterwards taking it to the Ombudsman. The whole process is purposely drawn out and you may have to chase up a response with the NHS department BUT do persevere. But honestly state you only want a written response either via email or post (or both). They’ll pass your complaint to different people to confuse you rather than have one point of contact. Alternatively an advocate can help one word our complaint but that’s all time consuming too… I’ll reply late because I have to dash now. I’m planning to be someone in the future who brings light to when the care isn’t there etc my apologies I have to dash. I think you complain via PALS and word it Formal Complaint. Keep in touch best wishes for now … I’ll update you all re my complaint in a couple of weeks…I haven’t worded it yet. Be strong. I know it’s easier said. Must dash x
But do DO complain and don’t be put off by what I’ve just commented. It’s important you get answers or their excuses. Best wishes for now
I’d happily have a look at any wording of your complaint as I’m quite experienced at that and it’s so difficult to word things right. Or PALS will take your verbal complaint over the phone they do that too. But it’s whether every point is covered. Must dash for now
Thank you for all the info I am honestly not strong enough to get out of bed at the mo I am drained and exhausted. I can’t see a way out of this grief let alone put anything in writing. Once my mums funeral has been I may think about it but thank you for offering to help
I am thinking about you and appreciate your words and can so relate to what to wrote here a few weeks ago. Apologies I have this website a bit tricky to use and find my comments. Likewise I haven’t had any strength to put anything in writing but I will do. But sadly, shockingly, I think I’m losing my mum now. Another long story but at least she hasn’t been taken out of my home. I had to literally argue my point to have her kept at home with me this week to the health powers that be. I must dash now, best wishes to you and everyone here x:yellow_heart:
Am thinking of you and all you are going through with your mum. Hope you are getting some help like carers and whatever else is on offer. Sorry for late reply as I have only now found your reply.
You must be exhausted.I found I have been hit for six now that everything is over and feel ill and depressed all the time even though I am trying so hard to fight this awful grief.At times it’s unbearable and often well near to always gets the better of me and I just sit and do nothing.If you knew me that is certainly not me at all .How is your mum?
Keep in touch
when I lost my father, it was like being struck by a 2x4 plank of wood and left for dead on the side of the road.
a dimension of me got up and functioned to do my job and care for my mom.
other than that, I died too. I so know the feeling. you are not alone in your deepest grief.
Hello Deborah and everyone here,
Thank you for your words and I am wishing you all the best. It’s hard to even type these words and I’m in major shock, confusion and agonising new grief, but I lost my mum on Wednesday. I’m just going over everything in my mind and all the little videos of took of my mum the last few days, weeks , months, and trying to understand what happened. I’m not able to type much more. I am so in shock. My two best friends supported me through the whole sad process that Wednesday evening. I’ll sign off now because it all feels to soon to put anything else into words. I’ll keep connected in due course. I keep going into my mum’s room and almost torturing myself with grief as I try to pretend she’s there and things are back to normal as was the case many months ago before weird health things started to go wrong for her. “Mum would you like some cottage pie now?” “Mum do you want LBC on or the DVD, Keeping Up Appearances”? “Mum I love you” …yup torturing myself. By no means near to accepting the loss of my ole dad just two months ago. I Just retreat to my ole dad’s special ole sofa which I now have at my home and sleep on as I can’t bear to go to bed. I’m not a drinker but red wine and a sleeping tablet is my sad lot tonight. I’m taking a St John’s Wort too which definitely helps a little bit with taking the edge off this ongoing agony. I am in total disbelief that this could happen. I just wanted one more year with my parents, not to lose them like this. They were my meaning and purpose. Tears are flowing (apologies for my outpouring again. Please don’t feel pressured to reply. I’m not good at this website as I get a bit lost even finding my own post here. sincerest best wishes to everyone grieving on here x