Lost my husband 4 weeks ago

I lost my husband 4 weeks ago after a 7 week illness.He had 15 tumours in his brain he had never had a day off sick in 30 years. He was 56 years old and we planned to take a year off work and live in turkey for a while this year.we have been together every day for 6 months becauae I was having health problems with my eyes. My husband thought he was going to be my carer back in august.It turns out nov 24th I became his carer until he passed 15th january. I still cant believe its happened he was the love of my life my world aand I his. I can’t stop feeling so sick in my stomach .I miss him every breathing moment and cant see a way out of it. I have a very big family who are amazing but i still feel so alone. How do i move forward and stop crying all the time.

Hi sk, sorry for your loss I understand exactly how you feel. I to lost my husband age 51 years after a 4 week illness he never had a day off sick in 28 years.I am pleased for you that you have a big family around as they will help you through.You will feel alone it’s part of grief and the tears let them fall.you will have to take one day at a time it’s all you can do.its been 4 months for me it’s still very hard I miss my husband so much and always will.This sight helped me so much so just come on here and chat whenever you need to.take care.skylark

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So sorry to read you are going through the same thing. The pain is unbearable and i feel totally lost without him. I hope you are coping better than i am. I wouldn’t wish this pain on anybody. Thank you for sharing with me. It helps knowing im not alone.

Hi SK, I’m so sorry for your loss and know the intense feelings of pain that you must be feeling right now. I lost my partner, she was just 51 through cancer and that was just 2 years ago . I am still feeling the pain now and every day but if I can give you any comfort I can assure you as time goes by the pain eases and sometimes you can have a few hours when you feel a little better then that will become the odd day. You learn to live with your loss but you need to give yourself lots of time and surround yourself with the people who care about you and I found trying to keep busy helped. It’s a long road so don’t be afraid to ask for help along the way. It’s doesn’t seem like it now but I promise you in time you will start to feel better but it won’t happen quickly. Take care and best wishes

Hi SK I am so so sorry for the loss of your husband. My hubbie passed away suddenly on the 19th of January last month and I can say I am like you, when I was not in work we spent all our time together. In the house, going out whatever it was we were together and if I was seeing my dad and he was out he was ringing asking me when I was coming. Even though I have a big family sometimes I just want to be alone and thats why I came home soon after losing my hubbie because I couldnt bear being away from home where I knew he would be. My family have been fantastic and I dont know what I would have done without them but as I sit on the settee I can feel his presence on the other settee with us both watching tv or me being on the internet or reading.

One minute you feel your standing ok and then a wave comes along and sweeps you off your feet. I cannot look at photos, I cannot move his clothes or shoes, I cannot look at the Condolensces Book a friend gave me because I know it would break me into pieces. I am keeping all the cards I received and will read them properly when I am feeling a bit more up to it which could be in a months time or even six months down the line. I will be grieving him forever. I usually speak to my Nan every day in spirit and she died nearly six years ago but at the moment my energies are being placed with my hubbie.

My children and grandchildren are hurting badly. My daughter is trying to be strong like her dad would have wanted her to do and my son is taking it hard. My daughter gets married in April and it is her hen weekend on Friday but I cannot go. I feel the need to be near the house and I cant be with friends for 48 hours laughing and doing all the rest. Its just too soon.

Do whatever you need to try and get through this. Everyone has there own way of dealing with things. I had made our plans for when I retired and I asked him to keep in good health until then so we could spend time abroad but it was never meant to happen. He had a heart attack in 2009 and we thought he was doing well but his heart just stopped beating. He was fine in the morning when he took me to work and he picked my son up and dropped him off at the dentist at 2.30pm by 5.15pm he had already gone when my daughter found him. There was nothing to indicate that anything was amiss.

I am just taking it day by day and not making any rash decisions. I dont get to retirement until another 6 years but I cannot see me doing the job I currently do for that amount of time though. Other avenues to look at I think.

Nothing I can finish off with will make it feel better. You have to claw yourself out of the abyss when its right for you. That maybe in the next six months or six years as there is no time limit on grief.

My thoughts are with you x

I too lost the love of my life 4 weeks ago, i cant seem to function properly, cant eat or sleep. I have a lovely family round me, but i just want my husband back.

I really feel your pain. My husband told me lots of times if you cant change it accept it. Easier said than done.I miss him with every breath I take. I would of swapped places with him but then he would have the pain I have right now.
Family are amazing but you can’t cry whenever you want to with them. I find myself going to another room when the upset washes over me.
My hubby was my bestfriend my life.
I am taking ech day as it comes and the puppies i bought keep me very busy. I visit the grave every other day.
I know i won’t see him again and wish i could dream about him.
Nobody will understand our pain unless they have been through it.
I really hope you can find a way to get through the days.
Yake care SK x

HI Hollyblue Totally know where you are coming from. I do believe in the afterlife and feel I will see my husband again. He is around me all the time even after four weeks. He knows I was spiritual as well as my daughter and dil so he knows I will pick up on things.
This doesnt stop me from crying and feeling it is so unfair and that all the plans we had have now gone to dust. My son was at mine earlier on and went in the back and came back crying his eyes out.
I hate this life and wish I wasnt here but as my daughter pointed out she doesnt want me thinking like that. We are all changed people. My grandson said granddad broke and sky. He is only two but I feel younger children can see spirits.
I dont know what to do. I am not moving his clothes until I am ready which could be in six months or a year or even longer. I cannot watch clips of him on the karoke. Cant look at photos. Hate it hate it hate it witha passion. This will never end until I meet him again but until then who knows. I am watching out for the opportunites he will put in our path.
I am so so sorry for your loss.

I thought i was rurning a corner the last 3 days have been good.Today I feel like im back to square one.I can’t stop crying. I hate being without my husbamd he was my life. Life is so cruel sometimes. I feel so lonely today.

Me and my husband both believed in the afterlife too, but it doesnt stop my heart from breaking. I miss him so much, and i cry so much it hurts.

Hi Hollyblue No I know. I sometimes I feel on the edge of a cliff waiting to fall off. I keep on saying us when it should now be me but how can you stop something you have been doing for the past 38 years? One of my neighbours stopped me to say how sorry she was and was so shocked it said she used to call us Darby and Joan because we were always together. She said when she seen us walking up the road she said to her husband there goes Darby and Joan. She said she was going to knock but she said she knew I wouldnt want to see anyone. She was very nice but it started me off crying all over again. I dont know what to do from one minute to the next. It is just so cruel. I hate this life at the minute. If you want to cry cry do whatever you want. It’s not anyone’s life but yours.

SK Grieving is a rocky road. I know I will be back to square one for many years because Phil was my husband, my life, my soul mate and best friend. I have cried asking why did he leave me and I cant live without him. I know he wipes away my tears and lies in bed next to me in spirit because I feel myself relaxing for five minutes. I hate that we cant go back to Tenerife this year after going for the past 20 years. We had the best holiday last year and he told me that before he died. I have a video of myself saying that the holiday had been absolutely fantastic and that we would be coming back next year (more fool me). Our Hayley worshipped her Dad who was going to walk her down the aisle in April. She is heartbroken. My two younger grandchildren I think communicate with him and my two older grandchildren have fits of crying saying they are missing him. We were just a lovely family and Phil loved us all. My heart truly goes out to you and I wish I could make it better for all of us. Hell on earth!

Dear Colleen I feel.your pain I am so so sorry for you and your family.
I too am sad about holidays we had to cancel ours to gran caneria for Steves birthday christmas eve and over Christmas.
We only went for the first time in 2015 because he lost his mum that summer also to cancer. He accepted it as the order of things because she was 80 and had a wonderfull life and short illness.
When he was diagnosed as terminal he said his mum.was missing him.
I like to think they are together.
We only had 13 years together but our love was like no other. We have 6 kids 2 grandchildren between us.
Our lives at steve 56 and me 48 were just about to begin without work getting in the way.
If you would like someone else to talk to I can be there for you.
Take care of yourself your family need you.x

I too lost my husband just over 4 weeks ago now (16thJan) , very suddenly and unexpectedly in the middle of the night. I am disabled and my husband is my soul mate and my sloe carer. I love him more than breathing and all I can think of is that it should have been me. We had prepared for me. Not for him. He was such a wonderful man who had spent his working life counselling people in trouble, and starting homeless projects and developing similar housing projects in our area. He became injured and still looked after me. I am broken so much, I don’t want to heal. I know your pain. I really feel for you. I am so sorry. Our only son lives in Canada, so I am unable to have him near. Please hold on to every precious gift your family and friendsgive you and never stop talking about him. Smile and cry. It shows your love.x

Hi Ollie,

I noticed your post and I’m so sorry for your loss. It sounds as though you may be feeling quite isolated with your son also living in Canada. Do you have other family and friends around and are you getting all your care needs met for your disability?

If you need extra support with your care, you could start by calling the Scope helpline on 0808 800 3333 for information on what is available to you.

I’m glad that you’ve found this site and posted in our forums. I hope it helps you feel a little less alone to be able to talk to others who have lost a loved one here.

We have another user called Kanelo who lost her husband recently and is also disabled. If you are interested in talking to her, you can read and reply to her post here: https://support.sueryder.org/community/coping-death-loved-one/i-miss-my-husband-so-much

My husband died 7 weeks ago after a long illness, although his death was unexpected. He was 67. I gave up work 6 years ago to care for him, but just over a year ago we could no longer manage and he had to go into a nursing home. I grieved then, because although he was ill, until the autumn of 2015 we were managing. I missed him dreadfully when he went into care, but at least I could visit him, kiss and cuddle him, feed him his favourite food, which I cooked and sit on his bed and hold his hand. Every single day I wanted to bring him home, and discussed it with all the professionals involved, but knew I could not manage, even with help. Much of the time now I feel as if I am walking round in a big protective bubble. When it bursts I feel awful, and the reactions that others have described in their posts are all too familiar to me. I have a very supportive family and lovely friends. But I want the impossible, which is to have him back. We loved each other very much. All those I know who have lost their husbands/partners say it gets easier over time. I just want time to accelerate. I send love to you all. X

we are often too hard on ourselves and set far too high an expectations as to when we SHOULD do things or SHOULD feel or how long we SHOULD be a certain way…

we find it a lot easier to be compassionate or sympathetic to other people but not to ourselves.

at times like these, we need a lot of compassion and kindness and forget that the best source of it is actually from OURSELVES.

i would like to recommend to everyone to have a look at this link below

it is about being kind to ourselves…

so have a look and i hope you will find something useful

www.self-compassion.org

hang in there…

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Thanks Jude. I have just done the test and got a high score. Interestingly one of the techniques for self compassion is Mindfulness and I am starting a course next week. One of my techniques for coping is keeping busy. I am not good at being alone. My husband and I did almost everything together. When he was alive I sometimes wished for a bit more me time. As they say, ‘be careful what you wish for’ …

hi SCC,

yes i just saw and replied to your post in the other thread about your joining the mindfulness course - I’m very excited that you are !

really glad that you scored high on the test too, well done you ! i did the test a year ago and i scored very low…but when i redid the test recently my score has gone up, so i’m on the right track yay ! not quite there yet, but here’s hoping…

it’s a good technique keeping busy, if it works for you then keep at it.

i’m not good with being alone too…i get very anxious and finding it hard to just kick back and chill out. this stems from being married to a narcissist for 12 years !

but i’m slowly getting better at it now…just need to stop feeling so guilty for having a “me” time.

as for “be careful what you wish for…” well…yes!

but don’t feel bad, we haven’t sold our souls to the devil and we haven’t paid a horrible price to get what we want - to ask for and have “me time” is almost a birth right, i think…so lets enjoy it shall we??!

Thanks SK. Life is very hard. I am still trying to sort out bills etc. I start off dealing with it okay and then I start sobbing and sometimes forget who I have rung.
Phil is around me like I’ve said I cant find a pair of glasses I had this morning. I have two pairs and one pair have gone missing and for the life of me I cant find them. He has also been messing about with the sound on the TV. Sometimes I get comfort when I receive any readings from him but then I think I just want you. I speak to him all the time. No-one can argue but about the love of your life or how long its been 5 years, 10 years, 20 years, 30 years and like Phil and I 38 years together.
I spoke to one of my neighbours who I do not normally speak to because we never see each other but she has been living near me for the past thirty odd years. She asked me how I was and I started crying again. She said she used to say to her husband, when she seen Phil and I walking up the road there goes Darby & Joan. She said that we were always together and she didnt like knocking at the door because she knew I would be grieving. She said to me to knock at her door anytime I needed a chat and she meant it which was lovely but I am finding it hard with my family and I know thats terrible but as Ive said before its like you want to curl up into a ball fall asleep and never wake up but I make sure my dad is okay who is 82 and I know he is feeling it for me. I was more worried about my dad than Phil. Other than minor joint pains he was fine. We are waiting for the Post Mortem report to find out exactly what it was because it seemed as if his heart just stopped beating just like that although his blood pressure, cholestrol, heart beat were fine because he always had them checked because of his heart attack in 2009. I keep on saying us instead of me. I said to my son I will have to get some shopping for us when I meant me. I know its silly but that upsets me. It should be us not me. It always was us as far back as I can remember when I was 22. Like you I hate everything at the minute… Like you if you ever need a chat just let me know xx