Sandra, yes they are with us at all places.
Today I went to church ( something I started Doing after Jack died - looking for a place that gives me comfort) - while I was sitting there I was asking for Jack to show me his presence because I am find life difficult - as I was driving sometime later I did feel embraced and held - lovely feeling!!
I went for good walk as we had sunshine here today - so I am working hard to do things without company.
I am not ready yet do plan too much ahead however I am organising 3 workshops in memory of Jack ( although didn’t tell anyone the reason) and as a family we will be having a family lunch both at his birthday and at the day of his death
Just one question how come Edwin knows 4000 people are following this conversation thread. When we talk if feels quite intimate
I watch heaven is for real last night …I wish I hadn’t although it’s comforting today I feel low…taking the kids to the park with all the dad’s there and having to alternate pushing them on the swings … because i was alone …all those single mum’s out there but when your widowed it feels so different …you can’t help but look to the side and see there’s no one else there pushing the other swing …
I hope your all doing ok …sorry I have not been on much lately …lots of appointments and things …
Love Michelle x
For the first time in 9 months, these past 3 days have been tolerable, I’m not taking anything for granted, and it could all be down to a wake up call I had last week when my GP prescribed anti-depressants, I took one and never felt so ill, couldn’t even wake up the flowing morning. I learned that day… whilst I grieve for Alan, I don’t want to spend what time I have to live with our him on anti-depressants that will most probably numb my senses and turn me into a living zombie. Alan wouldn’t want that that for me. I woke Friday morning feeling so much better, my heart still aches every minute of every day for my beloved, at present I’m looking at my life through a different lens. Tomorrow I may be in the depths of despair but for the present I feel I am coping as best as I can
I think youre right about the anti -depressants . Theres no point in numbing the pain when its still going to be there when the effects wear off.
We have to feel the pain cold turkey.
Its the worst possible agony but we have to face it full on.
Just like you I miss him and yearn for him
all day every day. This site is better therapy than drugs. I know I couldnt have managed without it.
Love Sandra xx
Dear Sandra
It is the worst possible agony
I am missing my husband more and more every day
It is torture
I am busy and doing everything I need or have to do but I feel sick with wanting to have him back
Some days I don’t even know how I am keeping going
It’s like living a double life
On the outside I look like I’m doing ok and in the inside I want to sit down and scream and have a tantrum about the unfairness of it all and the only person who would be able to comfort me if I got in a state like that would have been my husband
So I truck on with my brave face but the thought of having to live like this for the rest of my life doesn’t bear thinking
Romy xxxxx
Dear Romy, your feelings mirror
mine exactly. I think Im dong ok then out of nowhere my stomach will churn and I will start to sob.
The worst is the realisation that this is forever. I will never see him or hold him and kiss him again. I wont be cuddled by himm or talk to him. Laugh at the private jokes we shared. Have im tell me I look lovely and above all that he loves me.
He told me this every day.
How can we possibly go on without all this love in our lives . I miss him and all that he was more and more every day.
Its been 8 months for me next week.
I tell him some days I cant do this without you Phil. Sometimes I will get a text or a phonecall just at that time…
Maybe hes trying to distract me.
I would give anything to have him hold me right now.
Maybe I was a little bit spoilt with all the attention he paid me but I would just call it being loved.
I find myself thinking shall I stay in bed a bit longer. Then at the same time every morning I hear a robin outside my window.
Ive convinced myself its Phil telling me to get up and carry on.
So I do and do what needs to be done, all the while talking to him and kissing his pictures,
I wondered if it was possible to love him more while he was alive. Now I know it is.
I hope youre having a not too bad day, if thats possible
I get it and it feels like the pain will never stop. You keep going and can’t see anything ahead of you. You want them back and how it used to be but it’s hopeless.
Talk to him and feel him close is all you can do and try and get out to forgot and make them proud.
Rosa x
However painful it is we need to feel the agony. Without it theres nothing.
All those wonderful years filled will love would mean nothing.
Its because we"ve loved so completely that we 're going through this torture now.
Its such a difficult and long journey that wont end until we re together again.
We just have to carry on living as best we can. Im sure thats what they would want for us
Don’t give up on yourself you have achieved lots, it’s not been long and you have had lots of mountains to climb and have done it. You will have those days and then you will have not so bad days. You’re still in shock and disbelief and it takes time to unravel all those emotions. There’s no quick fix and its hard going but somehow we get through. I can’t remember most of last year but I’ve got to here somehow.
It’s been 17 months for me and I still get that sick feeling and I think I kid myself that everything is ok when it’s not. For the first time yesterday I spoke to my youngest son about his dad. He said dad on the surface was like a bright shiny car but his engine was done.if he had survived and was left that he couldn’t drive, couldn’t play his guitars, and if I had to help him with his stoma and other things he would have hated it and if I had gone first he wouldn’t have lived very long anyway. I know he’s right and Ive said it to myself many times., but I feel as though it was unfair why him?
Why us? It’s ok people saying" well you had a lot of good years together remember the good times" great yes we did and yes I’m grateful of that but it doesn’t make it better, in fact it’s a permanent reminder that it’s all over now and I’m on my own. It’s funny how people see my situation now and say "well you can do what you want now"whatever that is, but for the minute it’s one day at a time, I have the 5 day break booked with my cousin in summer and the deposit on the flight to Oz October …and I’m trying to positive about that .
Be good to yourself Romy you’re feelings are normal.
Dear June
I haven’t given up on myself but I’m not the person I used to be
I feel lost without him
I am in shock every day and you can’t think your way out of grief . You just have to feel it over and over again and I feel so weary
My children say the same about Mark
How he would have hated it if he couldn’t have lived like before …like he was until the minute he collapsed and how he would not have coped if it had been the other way round and I had gone first and I know that that is true but I just wanted us to carry on as we were . We were both very happy together and with the life we had created for ourselves and the family
I’m still keeping it all together but I feel hollow inside
I don’t know how I am going to get past this lost feeling
Maybe if I have grandchildren . Something good needs to happen . Doing business stuff is never enough for me
It’s always people and family first
Anyway I am rambling
You are being really good booking the trips
Maybe I will be like you one day
I need something to make me feel more grounded . I feel like a cork bobbing on the sea going all over the place at the moment !
Romy xxxxxxx
I am walking down my grief pathway, as I do every day. Sometimes it’s not as full of cobbles as I think…only tomorrow I’m back at the hospital where my husband died, to take his Dad for treatment…to one of the department’s that helped my husband (both share same name). Just more of the same…not good grief…more like goodness me, x
Hi Romy, I feel the same. I’m not really living, just wandering from one day to the next. I do go to an art class once a week, which I stretch to take a whole day by leaving home early and going to the library and having a sandwich out. I try to have a reason to go out every day but I’m just filling time before I come home on my own again.
I avoid neighbours and don’t ask anyone into the house, that would seem too ‘normal ‘, like it was when Paul was here. I still can’t watch TV, we always did that together.
I’m hoping some sort of real life will kick in,
To be honest Chris I’m fed up of putting a brave face on . I think from now on if anyone asks me how I am I am going to say rubbish
Maybe if I tell it how it is I will start to feel more grounded
It’s all this putting on a pretence that is wearing me out I think and stopping me from really getting to grips with how I feel
XXX
Hi Chris I also avoid neighbors apart from the only couple who came out to help me on the day Phil was taken ill in the car.
Len and Rhoda helped me with Phil while we waited for the ambulance. Nobody else came out. I wont forget that.
I am watching tv . I find it a distraction, but only selective programmes.
I cant watch anything that we always watched together.
I have been going out when I dont realy need to, just to shorten the days really.
Got some more little things for Phils garden. Keep adding to it. Even scattered some of his ashes there. Its just a little plot in the garden but I think he would have loved it.
All these things help for a while.
I cant say things are any easier In fact I struggle more each day. Just trying to keep busy. Just seems the only thing to do,
I bought a beautiful res rose, named it after Alan and it’s now planted I’m a lovely pot alongside the named roses of our dear little Henry, our daughter’s 13month old pug, he lost his battle with liver shunt 24th May 2017, also the golden wedding anniversary yellow gold rose, and the peach rose I’ve had named Monty, after Alan’s cockatiel who flew put of an open door exactly 2 months after Alan left our home for the Last time. Our back garden holds many roses and bushes that honour various members of our family, I find it comforting to dedicate newly bought plants to my departed loved ones. Alan was a staunch Manchester United supporter and a Lancashire Lad, so it was fitting his remembrance rose was red, the buds and flowers Last year were a wonderful sight to behold. I’m hoping for a better show this year.
Helps me, my garden is full of plants planted in rembrance of grandparents, my father and other family members who’ve passed away.