Yes Sandra, I try to be busy but it’s largely unproductive. I sorted a lot of stuff just after Paul died but when I think back 13 months, I feel that was frantic panic and can’t remember much about it. Since then I’ve done nothing useful.
I can’t imagine years of this life. Like you said, it just seems to be a time we have to get through,
Thanks for replying, XChris
I think you may be right, Romy, life is difficult enough without listening to silly comments. No one can understand this hell. I’m fed up with making allowances for people who don’t know what to say, I don’t want to hear their platitudes. I’m becoming a grumpy old woman and don’t care!
X Chris
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Thats lovely about the rose… im still looking for one for Phil.
Before we moved here I had a garden full of roses collected over the years.
I love David Austins old english roses.
Now I have some of those in pots. I cant find one with his name but there is one called soulmate. Also one called together always. Im still making my mind up,
Love Sandra xx
Hi Chris Yes we seem to be wasting a lot of our time just to get through the days.
I dont now what else to do.
Just hoping I will find more to do maybe in the garden when Spring comes.
This will bè my first Spring without Phil, so will have to see.
Love Sandra xx
Hi Romy. To be honest I was doing the coach trip with my cousin because she’s had sadness in her life, her daughter committed suicide and her husband died and shouldn’t have done, according to her her had a misdiagnosis. She looks after her granddaughter, and her great grandchildren and she has her own health problems, and has only been on holiday once and that was when we did a coach trip last year. She’s been very much a support to me over the last 17 months.
You are right trying to get through is exhausting and I know what you mean when you say you feel hollow. I never for one minute could have imagined how horrible this emotional rollercoaster is. Every day is another day and I try to fill it And the puppy helps , she’s funny and she makes me go out for a walk. Not looking forward to next week as she is being spayed. We were both retired so we spent 24/7 together, so i had to do something hence the puppy.
Well time for bed and she’s already heading upstairs with some toy in her mouth…
Hope you sleep tonight ,hugs Jx
Get them both Sandra.
Xxxx
Yes I agree with Kay. It’ll be lovely to have those in your garden. I had paperweights made from Carl’s funeral flowers. The flowers were preserved first and then I had 3 done, one for me, one for my sister and one for Carl’s parents. They are lovely.
Xxx
I know June . Every day I try to do something constructive . At first I had no choice because I was inundated with stuff to do with the business but touchwood that is levelling off now but then I worry what will I do with myself when I’m not needed so much there because the initial crisis after my husband’s sudden death has largely been dealt with now thank goodness . There will always be stuff to do but running a garage was never my thing . I used to be s probation officer before I took early retirement at 50 .
I think if things remain steady in the garage and my mum’s health stays ok I might see about volunteering with the court or local prison in some capacity. Go back to my roots so to speak because I feel all at sixes and sevens . I was involved with one aspect of the business in a limited capacity when my husband was alive and that suited me fine .
I have worked hard with my eldest daughter and Mark’s second in command to steady the ship but business is not really my passion.
Obviously my husband was my passion and my children still are but I think I will have to find something else to give my life more meaning . Business is what I have had to do more than what I want to do
I wouldn’t say I am muddled up but I am pretty desperate now to find something to do to help me get back a sense of myself and distract me a bit from my headache .
The garage reminds me so much every day that Mark is gone I think a different environment would give my brain a bit of respite . It feels so tired and so do I
Anyway going to go now to bed . The dogs are waiting for me like your puppy is
Thank you for always replying to me
Sending you big hugs
Romy xxxxx
Heartache not headache …though I’ve got one of those as well ! X
Girls I think we all feel a bit lost. I certainly do, I feel so very sad and a lot of things he time I find difficult to things or I don’t want to. But I have started getting structure to my days.
Chris, maybe go for a swim- think of things that give you pleasure.
On art class days organise something - my saviour is exercise: go for walks, exercise classes, go for sauna - trying really to be normal
Maybe Chris have a neighbor around for a cuppa - it is not good to isolate yourself. When Jack wasn’t well someone gave me this advice ‘Do not isolate yoursel’ !!!
Safie xx
I’m with you there Sadsadie, exercise is also my saviour. I walk all the time, everyday actually as I have the dogs and also a member of the ramblers. Yesterday I went back to the gym after five months away, although I have been a member for 25 years. Didn’t think I could do it, had a good cry a couple of times and put my head down on the handlebars of the exercise bike but persevered and felt so much better when I finished one and a half hours later. I also have both our allotments to keep up together. If I don’t prove I can do both they may take one off me, which is the rule if a member dies. So I’m determined to make both plots look really good. Couldn’t bear to see someone else on Brian’s plot. Used to cycle to work but prefer to walk with dogs now. Yes Exercise is really good for you, makes you feel good. Anything will do, don’t have to run a marathon.
Hi Pattidot - I haven’t heard from anyone yesterday - hope everybody is well !!
Can’t do my exercise routine today, one of the daughters is not feeling good so using this excuse! Will just do a walk later on.
I think Jack would have coped better if he was the one left behind. Now often I ask myself ’ what would Jack do? That does help me to create more discipline and enthusiasm
Sadie x
Dear Sadie
I say that too when I don’t want to get out of bed …what would Mark do
Then I know I have to get up and do what I need to do as well as some of the stuff he used to do too
Can’t say that I haven’t got enough to do
I have plenty
But nothing means the same to me any more
I am doing everything I am supposed to do or need to do but I just feel empty because all I want is to have him back
Someone told me yesterday you will never get over what has happened
I don’t know if that made me feel better or worse but that is the truth of it
She also offered to take me to a spiritual church where they have mediums in attendance
I may go in the future
It may help if I get lucky enough to hear something from my husband
Who knows ?
I have never considered anything like that in the past …when I lost my father to cancer …but this is different
I accepted his death . He was older and had been ill for a long time and was in a lot of pain
None of that applied to my husband
He was 60 , full of life and perfectly fine till he collapsed that morning after getting out of bed to go to work
I think I am still in shock
And I am stuck
So maybe a visit to the spiritual church will help things and me to move along
Will think about it
Enjoy your walk today
Sending love and hugs
Romy xxxxx
Hi Romy,
I too know there’s things I ought to be doing but can easily talk myself out of.
Out early today to meet the counsellor at the hospice but she had to cancel so am at a loose end, not good when arrangements change, I seem to survive on routine.
Am at library, decent coffee and a good book and no one bothers me.
Keeping out of home because someone coming to tidy shrubs.
Hope you have a good day,
X Chris
Dear Chris
I need loads of structure to my day
It goes pear shaped if I am at a loose end
The washing machine repair man has been to fix the tumble dryer so far today and I am tidying for the lady who comes to hoover and dust every week …a throwback to when I was a full time probation officer with 3 school age children ! She is a family friend now
Then I have to walk dogs before I go to opticians this afternoon
If anything was cancelled I would quickly have to put something else in place otherwise I would mope even more
I’d rather be burnt out than sit and think
I’m not very good with books at the moment
Enjoy yours though
Love Romy xxxxx
Chris, while in the library see if they have a book club and you can join them and even better you can start ove
Sadie x
Sheila , maybe it is time to start a hobby!!
Sadie xx
Dear Sheila, I think that because we were so close to them and they made us so happy we didnt need anything else.
That was our hobby being out and about together. We also shared a love of food. Each trip out had something to do with food involved.
Then we would come home and just enjoy being together. We both had either computers and tablets and Phil had a laptop. I suppose this was a hobby.
This precious time together between working was all we needed.
This is another thing I miss desperately , being out with him.
Ive booked the Scotland trip for April and my son has just stayed for a couple of days so weve decided to go to Whitby on a 4 day break in May. Hes single and hes such good company . He keeps my spirits up.
It will be upsetting , we loved Whitby.
Im sure Phil would be pleased.
Better pack the imodium,
Love Sandra xx
Dear Sheila No I wont be on my own. My daughter son in law and two grandchildren aged 19 and 14 will be with me.
Im not ready for a solo journey yet.
Thats wonderful that your husband passed on his knowledge to his sons and they wanted to learn.
With us it was air shows. We went on day trips to the more local ones and further afield we would make it a holiday usually camping or caravanning.
Both my son and daughter still love planes. I mean jets and the older planes.
The harrier jump jet used to give me such a thrill. It could hover overhead a dip its nose just like a bow.
Phil always got it on film and he loved the
Spitfires and hurricanes.
We used to go regularly to Cosford air museum.
I used to love those days out. So his hobbies rubbed off on me.
While we re in Whitby Ive said we will.go on one of the steam train trips . I think the last one Phil and I went on was to Pickering. I remember there were delicious pork pies there.
I had such a full happy life thanks to Phil and thats why its so painful now. Theres so many things we did that I cant possibly ever fill the hole that hes left,
Love Sandra xx
I
Dear Sheila Not very nice but they do sedate you so you will be relaxed. Doesnt take long. Remember going with my mum.
At least the tubes not going up the other way. I had that test when I was diagnosed with ibs. All these things that creep up on us.
My bloodtest for diabetes came back as pre diabetes. Went to a clinic yesterday where they educate you on how to stop it going to diabetes.
I think I know how I got to this point. Before Phil became ill I was working in a physical job . Also we walked a lot at weekends.
All of a sudden I wasnt working although I was active looking after him.
Then after he died I was in shock never wanting to go out without him, so I was all of a sudden inactive and not eating properly. I gained some weight and I think this is how it happened.
Just before I got the blood results I had bought an excercise bike and have been using it daily and eating more sensibly.
So hopefully it wont progress to diabetes if I try and keep active.
The sad thing is we have to face all these things without their support now. I know we have to be strong but sometimes I dont want to be after all the years of having someone to lean on.
Love Sandra xx