Lost my husband

Losing a partner
4836

I used to play My Ship is Coming In so many times it drive my dad crazy… He used to say …for God’s sake I wish that ship would bloody come in … then he removed the fuse from the socket on my bedroom. I always know my dad is close to me when that song along with a couple of others is played on the radio. I remember going to see the Walker Brothers in Manchester, on the same bill was Cat Stevens, Engleburt Humperdink(don’t usually own up to that one) a group calmed the Californians and top of the bill was Jimi Hendrix. My long term memory is spot on, it’s my short term and immediate memories that pose the problems.

Blessings
Jen☆

4839

After feeling more positive since Alan was admitted to hospital 11 days before he passed, I’m back on the rollercoaster of emotions once again.

Try as I can, I cannot lift myself out of this pit of doom I currently feel. My head is swimming with conflicting thoughts and none of it is making any sense.

I’ve things I need to tend to yet no inclination to complete them. I’ve places I should be in yet no desire to go there. Really in a CBA frame of mind.

I hope this changes by this evening, I’ve borrowed our son’s carpet and upholstery shampooer to give the carpet and suite a good clean tonight and tomorrow whilst Ada stay a at our daughter’s.

Feel like opening a bottle of wine and sitting here to just wallow.

Got a mithering phone call from a transitional ex client first thing this morning, she knew I’d been away, yet didn’t give me a chance to get myself settled back home before she’s on the phone mithering. I will rejoice the day I’m finally rid of people like her, no concept of anything other than their own agenda. I promised myself I wouldn’t let people like her cause me any anxiety and I’m trying very hard to keep the lid on. I have an agenda of what I have to do to finalise my client relationships and it goes pearshaped when some think their paoerwork should be the most important and urgent. It’s not as if the current tax year has come to an end yet, yet those who I used to have to chase for their accounts as they were always on the last minute, are the ones who are creating pressure I don’t deserve or need. My one day of sunshine in all this is to know that the accountant this particular client has transferred to will give her headaches and pressure to present her accounts immediately and Bill for every single phone call, incomplete records etc. Thankfully no longer my concern once I’ve handed over her books and printed off her accounts and papers.

Trying to see the sun rise on the horizon of this episode of my current life. To be free of external pressures is a luxury I’m longing to feel.

Sorry for my ramblings again. Sometimes I don’t know where my brain has escaped to or if it will ever return to the enforced life we are now having to cope with.

Blessings
Jen☆

4840

Hi Sheila So true I loved the Walker brothers especially Scott. He was so good looking and such a gorgeous deep voice.
Youre right the song could have been written for all of us,

Never realised when I was young that the song would be so poignant one day

Love Sandra xx

4842

Hi Romy
So nice to hear from you …thanks. It’s early days for you and it’s a hard journey. I didn’t have as much as you to sort out . I did have probate but did it myself a I had done it for my mum and for my mum in law when they booth died. I think the decision to keep your place in Mallorca is right because I personally would prefer to go there even on my own than go on holiday alone, well for now anyway and like you say your family will enjoy going.

Nothing will ever be the same and in the 18 months that Barry has been gone I’ve been through every emotion there is, yes I am lonely, and even though my family are good it’s not the same but I am grateful for them. They tend to avoid talking about their dad unless it’s in a fun way . One son has taken a couple of his guitars and “borrowed” his watch as his was in for repair, that was ages ago , that would have gone to his son. Oh well he said he felt close to his dad. My other son I see more as I have school run and he’s very much like his dad. Barry was very laid back and optimistic and didn’t let anything phase him, he’s the same

I have a good friend who is going through a bad time at the moment as her husband has a terminal illness even though it looks like it’s under control, please god it is, , it’s so hard because we always went on holiday with them, not only that but they are my daughter in laws parents so it’s complicated. I feel so bad for her living the nightmare that I lived for two years.

Anyway back to the positives , if there is any, I try so hard to enjoy something every day even if it’s only taking my Llasa Apso puppy out and looking at her, she seems to have a smile on her face, and she is so pretty that people stop me to fuss her, she’s helped me to loose weight too so that must help, although on the down days I hit the crisps and I can Barry saying "how many packets have you had " . And then he would pick me some up at the supermarket. We are lucky we had someone who loved us some people never have that it doesn’t make it easier but at least we had that and I’m grateful for it not that it’s any easier to cope but we will eventually I hope. Take care thanks so much for getting back to me you are a very special person

Jx

4843

Because music meant so much to us its the one thing thats so upsetting.
The lyrics from our favourite songs bring it all back.
So many over a span of nearly fifty years and all bringing back different memories.
Paul Anka and Youre having my baby was playing the other day.
That holds special memories as I was having my son when it was in the charts.

Although its upsetting I do listen to our tunes often. The lyrics hold even more meaning now

Love Sandra xx

4844

Dear June
You are a lovely special person and it is lovely to keep in touch
I can picture you and your puppy out and people making a fuss of her !
Keep doing what you are doing
Sending you lots of love
Romy xxxxx

4846

Took a giant leap earlier, not a baby step, not a baby jump, but a giant leap. Alan was always a huge Rod Stewart fan, we never missed you g to his concerts when he was appearing in Manchester, tonight I booked two tickets to see him on 23rd November, our daughter has agreed to come with me.
I thought about booking tickets the week before we went to New York but bottled it, couldn’t find the courage to complete the purchase online, anyway, tonight I have booked the tickets, and I feel very happy I have done so. I am going for Alan, and I know this will be the last time I go to see Sir Rod. I’ve also booked to see a Rod Stewart Tribute Act in Blackpool in August with my friend, it’s 2 years tomorrow since she lost her husband. Her husband was also a big Sir Rod fan too ☆.

4847

Dear Jen
Hope you’re ok
The emotional rollercoaster is taking you all over the place today but I’m sure you will have a lovely time watching Rod Stewart later this year
It will probably be a bittersweet experience but will probably help in the long run as you will be honouring your husband’s musical taste and therefore his legacy
Rod Stewart is fab . Seen him with my husband who was also a big fan and our girls when he came to the Liberty Stadium
in Swansea a few years ago
Hope tomorrow is a better day for you overall and that your accounts clients don’t give you any more hassle
Goodnight
Love Romy xxxxx

4848

Well done!
Alan is proud of you
You should be very proud of yourself
Sadie x

4849

Thank you Romy and Sadie, I’m hoping today will be a better day for all of us.

Ada stayed at our daughters last night, and is staying until tomorrow morning. This gives me the chance to shampoo the lounge carpet and suite. Did the carpet last night, preparing the suite now, pet covers are in the washing machine, so when I’ve shampood the suite, I’m redoing the carpet. Winston is scenting everywhere and I need to remove all traces and hopefully this will deter him. I’ve a special pet stain and odour remover which I’m going to spray all over the carpet and suite once they’re dry again.

Also have to nip to the garage to get my personalised plate on the new car, I left it too late to have it fitted before I swapped cars. No logic in this predominantly empty head of mine.

Hope everyone has a good day as they possible can. Off to have a cup of tea and my porridge, then I can resume my plan of action.

May have front seat of the rollercoaster in an hour if the day pans out different to my plan.

Blessings
Jen☆

4850

Hi Jen This roller coaster thing we re all forced to ride on. I wouldnt mind but I hate the things without being forced to ride one daily.
Youre very good cleaning your carpets and suite yourself, I had someone come in to do mine. Put me to shame.
Hope you have one of those days thats a bit easier

Love Sandra xx

4851

Well done Jen
I went to get new duvet covers and some baskets
Seeing a friend for lunch and go to work afterwards.

The sunshine helps
Sadie xx

4852

Thank you Sandra, I thought being occupied with this I’d perhaps have moments where Alan wasn’t on my mind, not that I don’t want him to be of course, but even concentrating on this cleaning, my mind is full of constant chatter from him, I’m glad he’s still keeping me company and watching over me. Don’t know what I’d do if I couldn’t sense or feel he wasn’t close by.

Every day, I’m exhausted, as you will know only to well, having to do everything yourself with no help is very tiring. Doesn’t help the acute pain in my hands but have to soldier on. Alan did so much around the home, it’s only now that he’s not here any longer that I fully realise and appreciate everything he did do. Now it’s all down to me, cleaning the house, the washing etc, mowing the lawn, having the last remaining border pebbled over, salvaging what plants Ada hasn’t ripped up and potting them up with netting around them to stop further destruction. Every day it is never ending isn’t it. Having never lived alone, I really.don’t like it, don’t like it at all. I know I’m not the only one, i used to think i had a healthy circle of friends, now I find it is the really true friends that are important. Thankfully I do have 4 really good friends, so i suppose i should count myself lucky, i know they all have their own lives, but between them they’re very supportive. Not the same as having Alan here of course, if only all this was one long nightmare and I was waking from it to find him walking through the front door after watching his football team play. A wish I shall have to wait for until he comes to take me back with him.

Oh dear, getting all emotional now, better finish my cup of tea and finish the carpet cleaning, once the carpet and suite are dry, I’ve a pet spray that removes odours, as has had a few accidents whilst was know New York and Winston, still intact, keeps marking my furniture.

Next job is to refresh the beeswax polish on the oak dresser and TV stand.

Thank you again Sheila for your constant support and understanding, think that it’s a huge help and comfort to everyone know here because we all understand what each other is going through, we’re all travelling the same journey albeit at different stages, sometimes meeting up on that blasted rollercoaster, wasn’t fond of the real ones either, churned nh insides up too much

Blessings
Jen☆

4853

Sorry, meant to write Sandra not Sheila, ☆

4854

Just the thought of my love walking
through the door makes me weep.
I tell myself maybe I will wake from this terrible nightmare.
Then I say to myself no its gone on a bit too long now , this is real, this is it, until he comes to get me.

Then I ask myself when will that be?

Theres a song by Lionel Richie called stuck on you.
I imagine its Phil speaking to me. He says Im on my way .and the way I feel now I will be with you til the end.

Just one of many where the lyrics seem to fit perfectly.
Wasnt too bad this morning .went with my sister to the garden centre and got some more plants for his garden
Some lillies and gladioli for later in the year and some lupins which he liked.

If I didnt sense he was here or know he is watching over me, I know I would give up.

Im certain that two people cannot love each other deeply for such a long time for that bond to suddenly stop.
I know it goes on and we just have to somehow keep going and wait our turn

Love Sandra xx

4855

Thank you Sadie, hope you enjoyed your lunch with your friend. I’m feeling totally shattered now. Took a break then couldn’t get back into the stride again. Have things planned for tomorrow, hopefully will achieve a little more. A friend invited me out for tea on Thursday, so that will be a pleasant change.

Feeling very full too now after.habing more on my plate for tea than I’ve been used to.

Good your evening is a pleasant one

Blessings
Jen ☆

4856

That’s what I’m like, just constantly having these conversations in my head and just so exhausted trying to do things.

I was in the garden on Sunday for 5 hours and looked at what I’d done and thought it didn’t look much different. I just sat down on the greenhouse step and cried my eyes out because Iain wasn’t there to see it and tell me it looked so much nicer, as he always did.

I would be doing most of the garden tasks and Iain would be on his knees picking up leaves or tidying up with a pair of secateurs because he would lose his balance and fall over easily. I miss the sound of his walking stick, tapping around the garden and if he was inside when I was outside he would call and say “There’s a cup of coffee for you”.

I miss him so much that at times I feel I just can’t bear it and when I cry it’s like a physical pain.

It’s my birthday tomorrow and for the first time in 54 years Iain won’t be with me and I don’t want to wake up.

4857

DearJen, I had a very nice lunch and by the end of it felt exhausted - haven’t 2 classes just finished the last one (9pm) so looking forward to bed and my hot water bottle.

Like you Jack is always in my mind and today w my friend I noticed that I talk a lot about him

Tomorrow my mattress will be delivered. It is a long story but I haven’t had a bed since June - 9 months!!!
It all started when Jack came back from hospital- for a few moments we considered his hospital bed in our bedroom- as we wanted to change the whole room we decided to throw the bed away! But then we changed our mind and placed the hospital bed downstairs because it spacious and open plan so Jack would still be part of the family seeing all that is happening
So tomorrow mattress arrived , new bed and bedroom all freshly decorated … and is such an empty feeling! Jack never saw it and we will never share the new room. I don’t think he would have like the choice of furniture and colour and if he was alive it would have been all different… I also feel a bit guilty because he really wanted the bedroom done but I felt so overwhelmed…

Good that you have things planned from for tomorrow! It is always good to have a plan

Love
Sadie xx

4858

Dear Mary Jane I cried when I read your post because I know how you feel.
When I had been busy in the garden I would look forward to showing Phil my handywork.
Now hes not here to share these things with and hes not here to sit in the garden .

Sometimes we would eat outside . I wont be doing that anytime soon.

Im still carrying on with things but it just feels like Im going through the motions.
Theres no joy in anything anymore.

I hope you can get through your birthday ok.
I havent had my first birthday without him
yet.
I will be 65 in June. We would probably have gone away for a weekend somewhere, when he was well that is .
As it is its just another day without him by my side

Love Sandra xx

4859

Hi Maryjane- it is all so sad and I know how you feel
We have a strange unmapped journey in front of us … maybe in the end of it we have become more compassionate and understanding.
I do hope you are able to enjoy your birthday by recognising all the people that love you

Sadie xx