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Hi everyone. After having a lovely day yesterday Im ot having a good day today.
My daughter and son in law came this morning to take apart a small plastic shed I was giving to them.
What a struggle , three of us took an hour to strip it down.
After they had gone, I got really upset.
If Phil had been here he would have done it on his own in no time.
He had this knack of looking at something
And knowing how to sort it.
Hes missed in so many ways. My life is more complicated now.
Ive bought a new one and will have to ask for help .
I hate doing this because I have never had to ask in all the years Ive known Phil.
He could do anything and having to ask is alien. A lot of things I do myself, I put my excercise bike together. Ive also learnt a few minor repairs.
I will read the instructions first , see what I think.
I should be laughing at this really and seeing it as a farce. Im sure Phil was either laughing or shaking his head.
Love Sandra xx
Sandra, sending you a big hug!
We have to learn to live again
Try to enjoy the warmth and the sun
Sadie xx
Dear Sheila I realise that we have been spoilt by our lovely husbands…
A prime example is that today my daughter and son inlaw took the shed home.
She wanted it doing today which makes sense because they work in the week.
He said he was going to watch the snooker so she went out to start it on her own.
It was cold and really windy today but she managed to finish it on her own.
Good job Phil wasnt here to see that.
Theres no way he would ever have sat in the house while I was working outside on my own.
I just cant understand it but cant say much hes always been that way.
Makes me angry but cant interfere too much. Seems the norm to them.
I realise that I was married to a gentleman and I appreciate him more than ever, because you. dont know what youve got til its gone,
Im so hapy that we found each other so soon
Love Sandra xx
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Hi Sandra - Jack also wouldn’t be watching TV while I was doing work - if anything it would be the other way around!!
Had a pleasant day - went out saw people , out for lunch and as always I cry a little when talking to my friends and children. Although I use eye make up I don’t use mascara anymore!!
Hope your days were ok
Sadie xx
Hi Sadie You could try the waterproof kind. But even that doesnt work that well.
I have panda eyes every day. Lol.
Love Sandra xx
I went on the Sunday Pug Walk today, only just started going back on them, and twice during conversations about what I’m wanting to do did I feel it necessary to tell these two people my age and why I have chosen to give up work, I do bitterly regret not doing do when Alan wanted me to do so 4 years ago, sorry, it’s 5 years ago now. I did reduce my client base by a third then, and the following year reduced it further. Just wish He was still here to enjoy our retirement years together. Oh god, I do miss him dreadfully.
He always knew what I was thinking, how I was feeling, plus ready to step in and prevent me making stupid and silly mistakes.
I agree that we don’t fully appreciate what we had until it is snatched away from us.
Things we used to enjoy together no longer holds an appeal for me. I was able to go to New York mainly because Alan had no time for anything American, he’d have never in a million years set foot in New York, so for me, there was no attachment of times gone by where we shared happy times in the place. Our favourite holiday destinations now fill me with no desire to revisit, I couldn’t go back to a place we both loved and enjoyed, too many painful memories that would spoil the times we shared together.
Life is so very cruel, and I can’t see any solution to the enforced life we are now supposed to live.
It’s such a shame we are not all living closer to each other, otherwise we.coukd have arranged a few evenings where we could all meet up and talk about our loving husbands/wives/partners and the life we have been left to live in the best wU we can.
Sorry, rambling again, perhaps I should join a rambling club!
Blessings
Jen ☆
Jen, we all have these little regrets. I regret I didn’t want to redecorate our bedroom when Jack was alive - I felt overwhelmed. Well have done the bedroom now - I don’t think he would have liked my choice of colours and furniture- I wished we had done together and I do regret I was so stubborn. So now bedroom is ready for a couple weeks and I still have not transferred all the clothes back because it will feel that things are not Temporay anymore- that is going to be my bedroom - my alone bedroom!!
Sadie x
I still refer to everything as ours, we’d made plans to renovate the house, and buy a static home to stay in whilst everythi g was being done. I decided against the static home as I couldn’t see the sense in me staying there alone when I could stay at home alone. Have to finished some of the refurbs, have a couple more to do, plus one extra that we’d not agreed or discussed but now is necessary as Alan isn’t here now to go in and out of the loft. One thing I am definitely nor doing now, is the removal of his beloved fireplace, he built in the 1970’s from unmachined Welsh slate straight from the quarry, he agreed reluctantly to have it removed just before he passed away, I am keeping it now, it means too much to be ripped out now he’s not here. I admit I wanted it taken out these past couple of years, yet now I can’t bear to part with it. I look at it daily and can see Alan building it, it is part of him, part of me and part of our home. The non-functioning fireplace us now home to his ashes and I feel his approval.
I dare say, more regrets may surface as time passes, and they will bring the pain and heartache with them. Can only deal with each regret one at a time can’t we.
Had a reasonably good day, went on the Sunday Pug Walk, lost my hat, one of the last things Alan bought me, had to drive back to see if it was still there and some kind person had put it on the wall, I know it’s only a hat, Alan bought it for me when he bought my walking boots for when I took Winston out, now I wear them both when I take Winston and Ada for a walk 3 times each day plus the Sunday Pug Walks too.
☆ Hope you’re day is better than you hoped
Blessings
Jen☆
Ohhh well Sheila , I never really helped in the garden but in my favour I would take lots of cups of tea and had warm kisses when Jack finished the work
Sadie xx
Dear Sheila , Theres always something to laugh about isnt there… Happy memories.
We always worked together as a team.
I even knew which tools to pass to him and we never left one to do all the work.
We made a good team and shared everything.
My daughters husband has no knowledge about repairs of any kind even small jobs on the car.
At one point she asked her dad to teach her the basics such as changing a wheel, topping up fluids etc.
Phil said of course, but he would show her husband as well. She said its not fair on you dad doing all these jobs.
Anyway her husband had no interest whatsoever.
I want to know how he is not embarrassed
When shes outside working on the car.
She said shes not really bothered probably because hes always been rhe same.
Yet she also says we havent got what you and dad had mum.
Is that the way things are now?. Have roles changed that much?
If thats the case Im glad we were old school and believed the role of a husband and wife was to share everything and look after each other.
I wont even go there with the way they deal with finances,
Love Sandra xx
Im sorry but I couldnt look up to or respect a man like that, because Ive never had to live like that
Me too Sheila Anyway I need the room for when he visits at night .
Love Sandra xx
Well Sheila, it my bedroom because Jack isn’t there but it is a double bed for my grandchildren to be there.
It is my bedroom because Jack will never see it - it is my bedroom because he won’t be there with me!!
Safie
Ive done the same with Phils watch which he wore for work. I sometimes wear it and the strap broke so Ive fixed it
I decided to wear it because when I went th a medium he said hes asking where his watch is.
My wedding ring has never left my finger sice I first put it on and it never will.
I found a lovely new saying.
Im not a widow Im married to a husband with wings,
Love Sandra xx
Jen, I think we are all different- neither Hack or eye said our children we always said my children etc etc
Sadir
Alan only ever said ‘Your’ child(ren) when on the very rare occasion they were naughty, otherwise, they were always and still are… Our child(ren). But as you say we’re all different. The world would be very restricted if we were all the same ☆
Blessings
Jen☆
I know exactly what you mean about going to where you went with your husband. My husband died on a cruise holiday in September 17 but i did go back on the ship with my whole family in May 18 because I didnt want to disappoint the grandchildren. Yes I did have a few wobbles but on the other hand I now have memories of the great time my family had which is what Barry would want. I have flashbacks of that last night not as many as before though. I now know though that there is no way I can do a cruise on my own visiting all the places WE went, too stressfull and why would I want to wander the streets of the likes of Florence on my own or with strangers. NO.
I have been invited out to Australia by some friends and am going to do that and I am having a couple of days with my cousin over to Scarborough and Whitby, Barrys favorite place, although I did go there last year with my Australian friends and scatter some ashes so this time wont be as raw.
I think in time you will enjoy the company of your friends from Cuba if you can get the courage up to go. The thing is we cannt change anything, I wish we could as we are all living this different enforced life so I know if my husband could talk to me he would say to “just get on with it and do your best to enjoy yourself” and I remember how he was relieved when his Dad died and his mum still visited friends in the south of England for a few years and they visited her.
I dont know about going forward but I just try try and try, some days ok some days I am terrible and just stay in apart from walking the puppy. Its the hardest thing we have to do and grieving is exhausting both mentally and physically. I dont say much to my two adult sons as I dont think they could cope with me as I know that they miss their Dad too and they have to go to work, balance family and their own inlaws who are all getting older as well.
Try and have a good couple of days… thinking of all on this forum
JX
Hello June
Lovely weather today
We have a place in Mallorca
Had it for years
My husband loved it very much
Every spring he would go out and take one of the handymen who has worked for us for years with him to get the place ready for the summer
What to do this year ?
We think we will keep it but the thought of going there without him is just mind blowing for me
My girls and their boys and our friends can go whenever they want but me …I can’t even contemplate it at the moment
Too many memories and it was the last place we went together a couple of weeks before he died suddenly back here at home
I know I have to deal with things one step at a time . Have already put a lot of effort into stabilising and moving the business forward
My brain is not willing to contemplate thinking much about the villa at the moment other than the need to maintain it either for future use or to sell
All this muddle about Brexit doesn’t help either
My mind is one big muddle !
Anyway here we go again
Another week
New muddles to solve
I think the solicitor will finally be in a position to apply for probate this week so a meeting with her and my girls is on the cards and then there’s the continuing pleasure of Mr Grumpy aka my father in law
Oh well it is all character forming I suppose …not that I needed my character forming any more in my late 50s . Just got to get on with it . But I hate the way I spend my time dealing with life now whereas I used to revel in it . Will that feeling ever return in any shape or form ? This feeling of flatness and sadness and one of resignation to my circumstances and fate is horrible but one that will not be shaken off
I could try and seize control of myself and do something completely out of the ordinary but I haven’t a clue what I would even do !
So I am glad that you have booked for Australia and that day at a time went to New York and that Sheila is going off on her travels to Scotland sometime later this year
I think I am a bit behind you all in the grieving process . 34 weeks today
Maybe as time goes on I will get braver and more adventurous. At the moment I think I’ve done well if I even choose to go to a different supermarket in a different place on my own !
What have I come to ?!?
Anyway onwards and upwards as my mother says
Hoping you have an ok week
Love Romy xxxxx
PS One of my daughters chose a new puppy yesterday who will be arriving in 3 weeks so that should cheer us all up a bit
What would we do without all our animals ?
Hi Romy Im in the same place as you in this grieving process.
It will be 36 weeks for me on Wednesday.
I have decided to keep going to our caravan. The main reason being Phil loved it there. Even when he was ill it was a form of escapism.
We could hide out there in between hospital visits of chemo and blood transfusions.
The first time we went without him was so difficult. It still is but I also know if he could be anywhere it would be in his favourite place near the sea.
We have scattered his ashes in 3 places around Caernarfon and on Angelsey in our special places.
I m.also going to Scotland next week.
He adored the highlands. It will be upsetting but also uplifting because I know he will be there as well.
Rather than avoiding these places I am trying to embrace them.
Another of our songs is playing, called
Hold on for one more day. It It used to hold a lot of meaning for us and I tell myself that hes telling me just that. So if I start every day with those words.the time will eventuallly come when that day arrives and we can be together again.
Love Sandra xx
Hi. I heard that song on the radio this morning and cried all the way through it but didn’t realise he had died xx