Lost my loving wife

My wife of 25 years had a massive brain aneurysm last Saturday and passed away on Sunday. We have no children, she was my rock and soul mate, and I and truly devastated, scared of the future, no idea what I know want from life. I know it’s only been 7 days but I feel my life and plans have been crushed, and I can’t see any ending. Just keep looking at pictures of the 2 of us and crying. We had such a good marriage, never an argument in those years together, she knew all about my little problems and would support me through thick and thin, know I am lost and lonely. It’s tough just thinking about the future, let alone trying to live it. Seems to be best to just take each day as it comes. Some difficult days ahead.

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Sorry to hear of this. 7 days is NO time at all. I lost my rock and soul mate a year ago and I still cry most of the time and just dont know what to do with my life as I dont have children or family. I go to bed early a lot and read that makes me tired so sleep better but then the next day is just the same lonely and boring and would be glad of some e mails if anyone wants to e mail private

Kris

I lost my wife Grollie in June . Exactly same scenario other than I have 2 teenage boys . Easier said than done but I think we both owe it to our respective rocks to try and get on. Not sure if it makes it easier or harder having 2 young lads to bring up now but I too am was scared about the future and how we going to carry on without the mainstay of our family . I’ve recently accepted councilling to try help me manage the very dark clouds that crop up every day and knock me for 6. Hopefully this will help. Keep going friend that’s my intention for Sue. I know she would want me to stay strong and am sure your good lady would think the same . Good luck and take care

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Hi both I have read both your messsges. My husband passed away last August and while people say time is a healer I think time is just different. What keeps me going every day is the fact my husband wouldn’t want me to be sad as I have cried a million tears. I have a daughter so i have grieved for her and myself. I have tried to do as many nice things as possible as if I didn’t I would find myself in bed day after day. It’s hard and no one understands until you have been in our position. I agree with you Kris I have family and friends but feel so lonely. I am just trying to think that tomorrow is another day and smother day to try and. E a bit stronger. Take care and try and be kind to yourselves.

Hi Grollie
I lost my fiance from brain tumour in just 32 days he was my rock and best friend …I’m 8 months down the line just drove back from shopping I buy ready meals as this is better than cooking for one but on the way home I heard a song on the radio and just burst into tears some daus it comes in waves … Its not so intense as it was but I feel I will never get over this feeling off lose and the lonelyness can be really hard going home to an empty house but when I’m really down I send him photos and talk to him on his WhatsApp it still seems to work… makes me feel closer to him today was the awesome sunset which he would have loved … but my only advise is take one day at a time… do what you can but there really is no right or wrong way to deal with grief … take any support on offer

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Again I’m exactly the same it can happen anywhere and sometimes for no apparent reason it just comes on and I start filling up - at the minute I don’t feel this will stop but hopefully I will get stronger . It’s just so hard no point dressing it but know it is normal - that’s what I keep hearing and get told . Best wishes to everyone going through this struggle

Many thanks for your words, like you i guess you have had advice from lots of people, time is a healer, it will get better etc. But at the moment I see no end. 2 weeks today, I know it’s not long, but the pain is here every day even when I think I am trying to have a better day. Funeral is 10 days away, which I am dreading, but it is keeping me occupied arranging. But when that’s done, that’s it it’s just me and an empty house. I can’t feel angry about what happened, there’s no one to blame, just frustrated, sad, hurt that it was me. We were good people, we worked hard, why! I suppose councilling will be the next step, never had it so will see what happens. Good luck to you and your boys over the coming weeks.

Hi Grollie

I hear and recognise everything you are saying. On reflection the funeral although daunting and at times overwhelming now seems the easy bit. Like you say it keeps you busy and is definitely a distraction but the real challenge is after when people friends colleagues and to a point family go back to their own routines , that for me was when the biggest challenge started and is still there now as we speak . It’s when the house goes quiet , the phone stops ringing and the knocking on the door is no longer that I start to think deeply about what’s happened . It’s then when I shed the most tears and my heart hurts the most. Having said all this I do recognise that I am having slightly better periods in between and more often where for some strange reason I feel a little bit of an uplift and am able to get on with things. Me and the boys had a bit of a flat day yesterday however and I know we were all missing Susan so much . It still creeps up on you when you are not expecting it and am sure this will continue for a long long time. I’m really not one for councilling but had to give in and only this week had my first session over the phone with a complete stranger which definitely helped despite getting very upset in parts. I couldn’t get help from the hospice despite the offers because it still feels to raw despite loosing her in June. I get upset even driving past never mind going in to meet the wonderful staff there. Jane was a good listener and chipped in at very appropriate times and definitely felt better after talking to someone about my real feelings. Couldn’t have gone so deep with close friends or even family so I would advise this once you feel ready. The bottom line though is we both along with a lot of people have a very tough one to deal with here that isn’t going to go away . Like we are told it will get easier which I’m sure it will but our hearts will always be torn and damaged but one thing that does slap me in the face during dark periods and helps me to pick myself up is thinking that Susan would want me to get on with things and be happy. Easier said than done I know! I also often think that what if it had been me who had gone but looking down . I would want Susan and the boys to laugh , to do nice things , be strong and just enjoy life . If that was the case I think I would be very happy looking down so again that’s just a little pyscological tool that occasionally checks me and helps me get on. Lastly I don’t think dare I say it xmas helps . I keep putting it to one side but that’s my next challenge and no doubt yours and many others who have lost loved ones this year. Sad I know but I just want it to come and go and for light summer evenings to arrive . Am sure we will get through it some how! Stay strong my friend and very best wishes . Hope the funeral goes as well as these things can go and like us you keep brushing yourself down . Take care !

The trouble is other people expect one to start getting better after a few months and get “bored with it all” which is NOT the case for the ones who are bereaved. When my darling friend died last year his funeral was very small because not many people knew him here as I had his body brought down and buried on the small island I live even his “friends” from London couldn’t be bothered to go and never sent any flowers. Only 2 hours away!!! There is a medical enquiry going on which is supposed to take “90” days so far its one year and three months and still not closed it wont bring him back but it might help anyone else who gets what he had. I miss him terribly and cry every day. I paid for his funeral as he didnt have any money. The hurt that man went through in his life is unbelievable people shunning him laughing and all I can hope for his I did give him SOME happiness in his lonely life. I dont know where I go from here
they say it gets easier as time goes by -it isnt for me!!! People dont really care I dont get any phone calls to see how I am.

sorry to hear of your troubles also

Jem
Your so right in your reply to Grollie … After my Fiances funeral I just lost it thought I wouldn’t stop wailing… hit me about 1am in the morning I had my (" I have to do this " face on all day …for sake of his daughters / grandaughter and my 2 ) but when everyone had left and the house was so quiet I just couldn’t stop howling … I drove to our caravan by the sea cried all the way there not sure how i made it there but he loved it by the sea … I walked and cried for miles for next few days that weekend we were supposed to be married there , all our 4 came with there partners and we drank champayne and let balloons go with messages to him … like I’ve said before i’m 8 months down the road … I don’t think I’ll ever get over it but its eased a lot but then a wave just smacks you again … at the time I thought this is it I’m going break down everyday lay in bed and never get up slowly though very slowly one day you realised I didn’t cry today … but about 5 months in I had a really bad week couldn’t get out of bed except for bathroom and i did see my GP who was good but only advised cruise (who are stacked out till 2018 )or tablets not for me … I consider myself to be fortunate that i have 24 /7 councillors through my work who like you say has helped talking to a stranger … We loved Christmas we have massive tree and large Christmas village we do every year I wasn’t going to bother but i turned the page of the calander over to November (which I hadn"t done for a few months )and in Stu’s hand writing it say get decs out put them up … and I know he would want me to make the best of it for his grandaughter … One of my hardest days will be new years 00.10 2017 Stu proposed to me in our hotel room overlooking the London eye … We had a good life worked hard …great family … took life for granted … little did we know then he had a ticking time bomb in his head and just 7 weeks later he would diagnoised with a brain tumour and be gone 32 days later … but what keeps me going (but doesn’t always work ) is I know he would want me to get best out life that I have left not to waste it, his motto from shawshank was " get busy living " … I didn’t think I would ever think this but there are small mercys … if this was going to happen i’m always glad he’s at peace and he’s not having to go through this hell … The house is so quiet … I’ve decided to get 2 dogs now … been researching and looking for a few months so not rushing into it … I find leaving radio on when I go out helps a little just some noise instead of nothing when I come back .I try keeping busy … I feel for you all ’ one hour …one day …one week at a time ’ is all you can do … and I find writing very long replys as well helps … Sorry

It is now five months since I lost the man I had been married to for 66 years. Yesterday I did a little review on how I have been coping and found that the utter rawness has almost gone but is replaced by a dreadful loneliness that won’t go away. I don’t cry as much as I did but there are still days when everything is a black cloud over my head, and I don’t want to go on living. I have been waiting for an appointment with Cruse but there’s none forthcoming. It seems pointless to have an organization like that when you can’t get to see anyone, and I have given up on them. Christmas is looming and I am spending Christmas Day with one son and his family, and Boxing Day with another. I am dreading it but will do my best not to spoil it for anyone. All I can think of is the coming of spring with its lighter evenings and warmer weather. I do think that there is some improvement to my grief but not yet enough. Kind thoughts to you all and keep posting on here as I am sure it helps. Eileen xxx

Eileen
Sorry for your loss I totally get the lonelyness it a killer but if you don’t mind my saying you wouldn’t want to put your sons through another loss so soon and I’m sure it a 1st for them to and will be feeling it as well maybe not so acutly … I’m 8 months down the road …my Daughter who 24 came into my bedroom last night before she went home and said have you got used to sleeping on your own yet ? I replyed no and don’t think I ever will …She then said and you still not changed his pillow case and your still spaying his deoderant around … I said yep and bless her she replyed if it gives you comfort Mum it doesn’t matter does it …no I replyed Then she offered to stay but as I said to her yes I’m really lonely but you staying isn’t going to change that cus the only person that can do that can’t … And she will never understand that and i wouldn’t want her to …only those that have gone through this can truly understand it …I think most off us in our position will not be looking forward to Christmas … we will have to bare the Merry christmas and happy new year shouts and also the silenced ones because people won’t know quiet what to say … My fiances Daughters split there time between us Christmas day one year and then boxing day the next …alternate with there mum … This Christmas day with there mum but every Christmas day he would always take them to the club for drink at lunchtime and I know this is going to be hard for them as i’m sure it will be for your sons … They will come to me on boxing day … What I found is doing different things is sometimes a bit easier keeping some traditions but changing others we’ve all agreed to this so boxing day this year I’m inviting my Brothers and sisters over for the day … Stu was a home bod it was his castle and he wouldn’t have wanted every one there if he was here but I believe if he’s keeping on eye on us and knowing what we have been through he would say do it … try and enjoy the company … your in my thoughts xx

I lost my partner just over 2 weeks ago from pancreatic cancer and had only been bad since end of august but only found out she had it 3 weeks before she died and just had funeral last thursdsy am reallu struggling too and sleep with dressing gown she had on morning she die, we had been together 12 years living together as couple and yesterday her daughter came and said seems it was her and her 2 brothers mams house that they are going to sell it and gave me first option to buy it and it last thing on my mind at minute as we just said goodbye on thursday and i am still not over losing and to be honest am angry and upset they can treat me like this and they using excuse they cannot grieve unless house is sorted and i really needed their support too but looks like i can’t depend on it and a treat them the same ways as i did my own children, i am just stunned and upset over way they are treating me and also sorry for your loss and bet you feel same as me lost alone and struggling and if you like to reply your more than welcome alan.

Hi virgo825 i lost my partner jayne of 12 years to pancreatic cancer 2 weeks ago and had only been bad since end of august and just found out she had it 3 weeks before she died am really struggling and had funeral last thursday and i needed support from her family aswell as my children as i had depression for several years over fighting to see for my disabled son as never wanted to leave me at got me rock bottom when courts said i could not see him but was jaynes voice in my head stopped me from suicide and now i lost her and to make matters worse and really could done with all the support from her and my children to cope and really angry with her children and feel they disrespectful to me that so soon after funeral they said seems their always said they could have her house if anything happened as she left no will that they going to put house up for sale and i can buy it if i want even though i been here 12 years and am hurting to start off with her house money etc not one of my priorities at min and looking for support everywhere i can to cope.

Hi Alan. I lost my husband last year and still taking each day as it comes. It’s far to early for you to think about anything other then getting through each day. People say time is a healer but time just becomes different. Grief has no time limit and no rules and everyone deals with it differently. I guess ur partners family think this is the right way to deal with grief get “rid” of everything shut out the world to forget is easier then dealing with the facts. For me I needed to shut everyone out for a while put myself in my own bubble learn to come to terms with what had happened. Then I started slowly to do nice things, things to look foward too. But it is all baby steps. Seek help regarding the house welfare rights is good. Seek help for you too your GP should be able to advise. But please don’t think you are on your own. We are lucky in a funny way we have a precious gift of life. Take care julia.

Thanks for your reply and i just rang for some solicitors advice and i do not want house or her money i just want to come to terms with losing her and all they had to do was sit down and talk to me over things am hurt as classed them as my own and i seeking medical help i am going to doctors to ask for conselling

I lost my lovely wife and soul mate of over 42 years a few weeks ago. We had no children and we enjoyed each others company so much we became almost reclusive, with us just sitting at home with a nice bottle of wine and a good movie. My wife was American and our favourite times of the year were Thanksgiving and Christmas. I find just going to the local shop now unbearable with all the Christmas songs playing and all the people full of joy (you feel why are you so happy when I’m in bits). I try and get out of the house during the day, but when the twilight comes and all the shops start to close and it’s time to head home to that dark lonely house it fills me with dread. I just cry my eyes out each time I come home and lock the door. Sorry I’m so heartbroken at this moment I don’t even know if I’m making any sense!! My heart, what’s left of it goes out to all of you at this time XX

Hi Tim
sorry to hear of your sad loss and its always worse at Christmas. I find when I go out I miss my partner even more at home Í sit in and have the photos around me which helps a bit I dont have family either and not a great one for socialising as I dont like pubs etc. Its good we have this site so we can suspport people in the same situation I do hope your Christmas isnt too sad for you

Kris

Hi sorry for your loss…we feel your pain and no matter what we are here should you need to talk to anyone.Never feel alone there are support groups out there.I lost my husband 2years ago,I don’t feel any better now than I did back then but talking to someone who has lost their loved ones help.

Hi thanks for your kind words. It’s 5 weeks now to the day, I feel like my life has ended as well as hers. She was so young to be taken now with our future ahead has left me numb. I can’t believe there is a future at the moment with Christmas,then new year just round the corner. I don’t want to go back to work, don’t want to be in doors, thinking about selling up and moving, don’t really know what to do, just lost in a black hole. People tell me in time it will get better, but at the moment I can’t see it. I do think what’s the point in going on, I have no kids, so apart from a sibling no one will miss me.

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