If I may chime in here Simon……What I now notice are all the couples that are out there. I never paid attention to them since we were a couple. Suddenly I’m struck by the thought that I’m so alone. I can’t enter a restaurant alone either. I’ve lost that intimate experience with my husband. I can only enter with a friend or family member. Just another price you pay for being a party of one.
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Bless you Pauline for bearing your heart for all to read. We all know the depth of pain losing our spouse can bring. It’s truly indescribable. I wish us all peace
Barb11
Hi Barb
I notice now that the messages and calls from friends have already dwindled It is as you say a no go as a party of one in a restaurant. I too have to wait for a family member to go for a meal. Sundays are the worst for me. I normally head down south at weekends to be with family and returning Sunday Eve That’s how I am coping at the moment I also have started talking to a couple of photos of Maria convincing myself she can hear me.
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Good Evening Simon 1. I think we’re all on the same path here, when I was working I always thought I could go into a restaurant on my own that I could holiday alone , I had so much confidence but I now realise that my husband made me feel confident. I’ve found that again some friends after the first few weeks no longer contact you . I’ve also found that people don’t talk about Dave as they did when he was alive . I’m nearly 5 months down the road of grief and it seems like last week . You say you talk to your wife so do I , I talk constantly to him I say good morning say goodbye when I leave , I don’t care if I sound mad I need to include him in my life . So you carry on talking to her it helps . Weekends are awful and I’m dreading the winter months when it’s dark so early and you close the curtains and your totally alone , I used to love the dark nights the curtains closed the fire lit , I’ve not made up a fire since he died and I don’t think I will be doing again .On here we are now people who have to try to continue without the person who was our other half and it’s so very hard . Pauline
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Dear @Simon1 and @Plascoch,
I also talk to my wife Nicki every day. I have three A4-sized pictures of her which I printed on a colour laser printer and have them blue-tacked to the wall above the mantlepiece. I say good morning and goodnight to her/them each day/night, kiss them and spend anything up to an hour at bedtime in the early hours talking to her pictures on my mobile phone before I eventually crawl into bed. I talk to her aloud throughout the day too, people would probably think I’m a raving lunatic, but then what do I care? Like you @Simon1, I believe that my wife can hear me, but also that she is close by, watching over me. Over the months, I have convinced myself of certain things, like those just mentioned as well as others, and I have now come to believe those “things”, as it is the only way I too can cope. I have a huge need to keep my wife as alive to me as possible, though I worry I will start to forget memories of how we were together. I used to be a very logical person - Nicki was the creative and sensitive one - and I tended to keep a tight grip on my emotions. But now, I’m heading in the totally opposite direction, now I’m more of an emotional wreck, less afraid to show my feelings, and even becoming a bit religious, something that I never was before. The person I used to be - that my wife made - no longer exists, he died the day I lost Nicki. Now I just feel like a empty shell, with no reason for being. Do whatever you need to do to help you cope, no matter how it might seem to others.
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Hello Rodger
Like you we were married for 52 years and my husband was my best fried sole mate. Its nearly six months since he died from terminal cancer. I consider myself lucky in that I had him at home until three days before he died. He really suffered during the last few months of his life and at first I was so glad he was no longer suffering the pain and indignity cancer brings. Now I feel so lonely the house is so quiet without him, I so miss his loving presence in my life. I do have a little pug dog who is always happy to see me. I have managed to go back to work but the first day was very difficult my workmates have been supportive but people move on. I have decided to retire in November as getting ready for work each day is so hard. Life will never be the same for me.
Yes Annabelle it is hard all the time if you retire remember you’ll be at home a lot on your own like I am all the time I’m in I’ll health myself with COPD on oxygen don’t go out a lot my daughter comes around a lot and they do take me out occasionally but they have there own family 2 young children still well14 and 10 and it’s very hard some days sitting around I think of Ann all the time talk to her photo and sometimes I wish I was with her in heaven but I wouldn’t do anything stupid I just ache all over to be near her it’s it’s 6 months since she left me I know it will never change I loved her so much and still do I go down our memorial to her we had a tree planted in a garden near home in a park set aside for ashes it’s beautiful there peaceful quiet and lots of mementos from grand children and flowers it makes me feel better sitting there on the mobility scooter talking to her it helps a lot a quiet tear rolling down my cheek but I feel I’m closer to her there but you have to come home again and it’s lonely again thanks for writing to me on here roger
Hi Alston 56 , it’s so very hard for us on here , we have lost the love of our life . Besides me constantly crying I can’t sleep , I only go to bed after 12 sometimes later but I never get to sleep until maybe 2 or 3 o’clock my mind won’t rest .then I only sleep for couple of hours wake then try to go back to sleep and I struggle , I’ve tried herbal tablets , camomile tea nothing works . I’ve aged 5 years in the 5 months I’ve been without Dave . I am struggling so don’t know how long I can go on without sleeping properly . . If any one has remedies to help sleep I would love to hear from you .
HI Alston
I was like you couldn’t sleep tried lots of different things I eventually saw my GP who gave me a short course of a drug called Mitrazapine its an antidepressant but is used off label to help get sleeping pattern back which it did for me if you don’t want to go down that route green and stemnight time tincture on the Internet it’s quite expensive but works for a lot of people hope you get some sleep soon x
Hi Rodger
Sorry to hear you have COPD its good you have your daughters support really lovely getting a tree planted. My husband was in the Navy and wanted his ashes in the sea near where he served I kept some back and have planted out a bit of the garden with his favourite flowers and shrubs and like you this brings me closer to my husband xx
Hi Annabelle I was in the navy for 25 years she was my rock then and after I left I want my ashes put with Ann’s at the tree so we are together again
Hi Rodger
You spent a long time in the navy I know what you mean my husband Michael my rock too its so hard coming home and he is not there anymore. Lovely that your ashes will join Anne’s.
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Ask your doctor to prescribe sleeping pills. You must get enough sleep to function.
Hi @Plascoch,
The sleep pattern you describe is pretty much identical to the pattern I had immediately after my wife’s passing. It had become the normal habit of my wife and I to go to bed late, usually between 2am and 3am, sometimes later for my wife if she was in a lot of pain. After I lost Nicki, I was lucky to get to sleep by 4 or 5am, much later some nights, sometimes not at all. If I did sleep, it would be for about 1½ hours, then awake again. Like you, my mind was constantly working too, thinking about my wife, what we’d lost, things that would never be again, worrying about being alone, about money and paying bills, about possibly losing our house, so many thoughts racing through my head every damned night. Out of desperation, I eventually contacted my GP and she prescribed Trazedone (Molipaxin is a brand name) and I have found that it does help me to sleep. I don’t have any medical expertise whatsoever, but it might be worthwhile talking to your GP to see what he/she might be able to advise.
Hi Simon so sorry of your loss.
I understand how your feeling, I lost my son 43 years old suddenly. He died on the 23 May 21.
I cry every day, I feel sick, my stomach aches. I dint know what to do with myself.
He woke up feeling unwell and talking strange, I called paramedics who said all hes obs are normal but took him in to be checked. He phoned me that night to say hes in a ward, and was ok and should be home in morning. I got a phone call that morning at 6 saying hes very unwell and hes heart stoped.
I I couldn’t even say good bye or a last cuddle.
I cant stand being in my home, its empty hes gone. I have his bedroom just as he left it I cant change it. But it’s got to the stage I put the house on the market and sold. The pain is to hard to come home, he is not here, hes not around me.
People say take a day at a time, but how please tell me, I find it gets harder ever day, I cant believe hes has left me.
Shirley
I’m so sorry that you’re on this journey none of us wanted to be on. It does get harder every day as the reality of them not being here hits home in so many ways. Just take it a breath at a time and sign up for counselling if you think it will help. Take care