Lost my mum, my best friend

Lost my beautiful mum to lung cancer on 2nd December, she was not only my mum but my ultimate best friend, I have 2 little boys and we spent every day with my mum since my eldest was born, holidays, together every day and even when we were apart phone calls just to check in with each other. My mums diagnosis was only beginning of September but mum ended up in extreme pain and rapidly deteriorated, it was time for me to put her first and I took leave from my work to be with her and care for her, friends helped with my 2 boys, as the time went on mum needed lots of care, I felt thrown into a world of cancer that I quickly learned soo much about mums disease, my mum was soo afraid of dying and asked me terrified if she was going to die and I’d tell her no she was going to get better, it tore me apart to see my strong hilarious fun loving mum soo vulnerable, I used to come home in the evenings and just stare into space. My mum passed beginning of December and I am soo utterly lost, it physically hurts to think of her not being here, I have a partner, lots of friends but I’ve never realised the question “how r u? “ is soo generic? I function daily for my little boys, it’s tearing me apart, it’s the loneliest I’ve ever felt and not comforted by anything. I wake up during the night and go through conversations we had together and just wish we had more time together. I was never ready for my mum to become a memory.

Hi trish,

I feel exactly the same as you and just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. I lost my beloved mum to a sudden brain haemorrhage 28 weeks ago.
Mum lived with my 12 year old daughter and I. She was 74 and we thought she would live past 90.
She was fun, energetic and silly. She was everything to my daughter and I.
I am functioning for my daughter but every day I’m just going through the motions and feel so sad. I can never see myself being happy again and still cant believe she is gone.
Xmas was awful as I knew it would be.
There are several of us who lost our mums and talk most days on this forum. We have been a source of real comfort to each other. Please feel free to join in with our conversations.
Cheryl x

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Thrish I’m sorry for your loss. I lost my Mum suddenly nearly 3 months ago. She had a heart attack and pneumonia. There were a few unknowns about her death.
My grief feels overwhelming. I cry anywhere, even when I try to fight it because it is an inappropriate place. I hate it when people say “how r u?”, because I don’t think they want the truth.
I’m think I’m still in shock. My sleep is poor and physically grief is making me feel physically unwell. I’m now trying to keep well and not make myself ill, but it is easier said than done.
I can’t get my head around the reality of the situation.

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Thanks Cheryl I am sooo sorry to hear of your mum, I am the first out my group of friends to have lost a mum and I would say only 1 friend has a similar relationship with her mum as what I had with mine so she completely understands and just listens, awful to hear your mum passed so suddenly? It’s like you feel cheated in a way? My mums cancer spread to her brain, it was only a very short 2 months illness it was awful to witness such deterioration. My mum was 65 but sounds same as your mum, my mum had such a zest for life, she’d be jumping around soft play with my kids, out the back on their scooters, age really is just a number, that’s something that really irritates me when people ask “how old was she? “

I can understand that daffy, I feel when it’s such a short illness you almost feel cheated of time? I know I do. I’ve never felt soo alone and almost like I can’t relate to many people who I thought I could, Christmas was hard with people telling me to think of the lovely memories we had, I sound soo bitter but I feel like saying would you be ready rite now to think of your mum as a memory? I’m not a bitter person I would hate for anyone to be going through what I am just now but it’s not just a family member I’ve lost, my mum was everything to me, I valued her opinion over anyone’s, she would tell me straight what she thought. did your mum spend a lot of time in hospital ? X

She was only two days in hospital. Her death was not expected. Mum would have been shocked, if she knew she died. Totally, unexpected.
It was just a series of events, which tipped her body to her end. I view it as bad luck.

Hi trish,

65 is no age and my mum was running around at soft play at that age. She had slowed down over the last couple of years mainly due to arthritis but was still very good physically and it’s a shock.
You’re right I do feel cheated as I’ve now lost both parents suddenly and neither have made old age. I expect you feel very cheated.
Life will never be the same for us and I just hope we can eventually feel some happiness again.
Cheryl x

I also feel like this is one of these situations where I can imagine me and my mum sitting discussing, I can’t believe it’s happened to us, you must feel the same x

I feel right now it’s too painful to think of all the memories and feel happy, I have some videos in my phone I can’t bear to watch as it hurts as I just want her with me.

Yes to both trish.
I always used to tell mum whenever a celebrity died and she would say no! Really?
I cant believe she too has now gone. It’s like she just disappeared into a puff of smoke.

Mum and I used to comment on the people walking into the cemetery on Xmas day. Mum used to say “so sad to watch those people walking to the cemetery”. Well this year it was me.
I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s really hideous. I lost my mum in August. She was told she had pulled a muscle in her back. She had an X-ray which didn’t show anything. Then she caught a cold which turned into a chest infection. She collapsed. She was in hospital for 4 days. Then They told us it was cancer and she died just two days later. I still can’t believe it.

Hi joules. I know. Same for me.

I get that u need her to console you, i had a complete meltdown last Friday in a shopping car park that me and mum would go to often, I thought how can someone who was in your life sooo much suddenly be gone? Where are they? And I get the celebrity thing too, this sounds ridiculous but me and mum were soo upset during the summer when Lisa Dingle in Emmerdale died and left her daughter Belle, we would discuss how sad it was, never thinking less than 3 months later it would be us.

I know. There is so much I want to update her on and never can again.
Its unbearable for all of us x

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It really is unbearable. I have been with family for 5 days and had to put on a brave face. I knew I would pay the price of being with so many people and doing too much. I’m home now and I feel utterly crap.

Utter crap is how I’ve felt too over the last two days. I ended up in tears watching paddington 2 last night.
I can’t believe she has gone. It’s was too soon and also not at the best time as we’d had an argument during the week. I’m just glad it had settled down, a bit.

Yeh I get that, I’ve avoided certain things over this period. I get that not everyone feels the way I feel, but it hurts too much just now, Iv also realised many people are sympathetic but theirs a big difference between sympathy and empathy. I never thought it would be my mum.

I hate that people don’t understand

Yes, a great difference between sympathy and empathy. Everyone on here understands how bad it is.

I got through xmas day fairly unscathed apart from a few tears at my sisters and when we sat down to dinner at my house.
But boxing day I was a wreck. I cried all day long.