Lost my mum to covid 19, I am devastated but also very angry

Lost mum in April and I am so angry with the way this government handled this pandemic… I can’t help but blame them for my mums death!
I was very close to mum and was with her until they put her on the ventilation, from then all we got was a call and mixed messages, they tried very hard to switch off the ventilator and now I keep thinking they gave up on her.
My mum was 65 and had no underline Health conditions and was looking after us, very active and now she’s gone(((
Does anyone else feel this way?

Hi Rose1977.
I am with you on this.
The way this has been handled from the get go has caused so many losses to families who otherwise would have still had there loved ones here.
Not only have people died from covid but because cancer treatments and other ailments were put back or cancelled altogether more people have died and will die. Because the NHS is still not up to a standard of decent care. I dont think it was great befor. Now well lets hope that something happens to imprive it.
Thing is the goverment need to be held accountable for their stupidity and inaction. But the staff involved in the care need to be to they need retraining and they need to start caring instead of treating people as a number. Starting with gp up to the top.
I am Sad for you for your loss.

Hi rose
You’re not alone. My mum didnt die of Covid. She died of a sudden bleed on the brain last june. But she was in the recovery room having had an operation.
Although my mum was only 74 and was also active, looked after us etc
I question why the hospital did the operation without checking mums health properly. How could they not know she was on the cusp of a brain hemorrhage? Her post mortem revealed a historic heart attack yet my mum had an ECG an hour before the operation to check that she was healthy.
The post mortem concluded that mums brain haemorrhage was spontaneous and unconnected to her operation but I still have a hard time accepting that.
I guess over the last year I have become less angry and bitter and more sad at my loss and how much I miss my mum, but the questions will always be there.
Thinking of you x

Hello Tillwemeetagain,

Thank you for your message, appreciate it… sorry for your grief too !! I am actually really upset for patients who are unwell that do not have covid 19… I mean my daughters friends mum cannot have chemo and she’s dead worried which isn’t helping her cancer I assume… why could they not separate Hospitals at the least transfer current patients to a designated hospital and only accept referred patients who test negative for covid… but most of all I am upset about how lockdown was so delayed.
It’s been 4 months and since yesterday I have been crying, I have not been able to cry, I keep pretending she’s on a long vacation…
I feel like she’s been stolen from me and the only thing I hold on to is the fact that I will see her in the next world…
Hope that your pain eases, how is the rest of the family coping ?

Xx

Hi c1971

Thanks for reaching out,

I hope you are doing better than me and I hope that time does heal but i feel like it’s getting worse for me… my anger and emotions are all mixed up brewing. I feel like taking legal action but don’t feel I am strong enough to even read my mums medical records…

Take care xx

Hi Rose1977
I understand your upset people are being left to get on with it things like cancer cannot wait but they are. Apparently they are doing more now but they will never catch up.
Yes they should send all covid patients to the excell hospital set up for covid but only ever had 50 patients in it.it is all about looking good in the eyes of the world a few more deaths do not matter except to those left behind of course.
We deal with loss in so many ways and whatever gets you through this painfully sad time is down to you
Not everyone cries some people cant stop it doesnt mean your not grieving you just do it how it comes.
I to hold onto that fact of seeing in next place hopefully its much better than this one a.
There is a thread on here Psychic Phenomena. Have a read its interesting
My family are as okay as we can be thankyou for asking :blush:

My mum died in Feb of a pulmonary embolism. She was 64 and fit and healthy as far as we knew. Two days before she told me she had never felt so well and happy. But she did mention that her blood pressure had been high but because she was well the GP didn’t do anything. I wish she had complained more and perhaps it could have been prevented :cold_sweat:
I miss her so much. She was my best friend xxx

Hi rose
Obviously I’m a bit further down the line.
I couldnt bring myself to read my mums records either. My partner read them and gave me the essential facts.
I just decided not to probe further because it wouldn’t bring my mum back and the PM report attributed no blame to the hospital.
None of that makes me feel better though.
The only thing is that my mum needed that operation. A blockage had been found in her carotid artery which needed removing. It wasnt a long operation but without it mum would have had a stroke.
I just have to learn to live with it and block out thoughts of negligence.
Have you anyone you can talk to regarding your concerns?

C1971
Well no I don’t know who to talk to, there was a particular doctor who was so horrible to us whomever I have told about the way I was spoken to is shocked, do you know anyone that I could get advice from ?
Thanks for your time

OMG Lisa how sad,

The GP’s are a nightmare!
I actually have been very unwell with extreme painful headaches, 2 weeks ago my BP was 170/90
Usually is 120/80 or less, they said it’s nothing to worry about as it’s not that high! From what I understand you only get treated if you are in your way out or are lucky enough you get a good GP.

You must have been so shocked as it was sudden poor you💕

Will check it out
my daughter is a year 2 medic and she’s so put off and is actually shocked and disgusted at how some doctors behave, I hope she will be part of a much needed change and reform . My mum was so proud of her and was the reason why my daughter chose to do medicine she never gave up supporting her and believing in her.
I moved into mums house after she passed I feel as if she’s here…
nice to hear your family are well I think mine are not so good but early days and at least we have each other

That’s what hers was. She had also been on HRT for years which increases the risk of a DVT which leads to pulmonary embolisms. She had a DVT when she was pregnant at 23 so I had always asked her if she should be taking it. But she said the GP’s said it was ok because it was such a long time ago that it didn’t matter. I have so many questions but none of the answers will bring her back. I just have to make peace with it in my head.
What happened to your Mum was awful and I hope you find some peace from your questions xxx

Well you could get in touch with the PALS office in the hospital regarding a complaint/your concerns.
I had surgery a few years ago in which my uterus was accidentally pierced with a scalpel. It led to an infection and a couple of months off work. I made a complaint via PALS and received a full apology from the surgeon.
However none of this would bring your mum back so you would need to decide if you want to go down this route x

Hi Rose and Welcome to SR. I did not lose my wife 20 months ago to covid, but death is death whichever way it comes. I am so very sorry for your loss. I too tended to blame everyone because I felt there were a lot of omissions in her treatment. But it’s happened and it’s past and I no longer blame anyone. I have learned to accept my situation. Try not to hold bitterness and anger in your heart. It can eat into your soul and make things so much worse. Forgiveness does not come easy, not at all.
I am not minimising your pain, no way.
I too felt very angry. It all seemed so unfair, the passing of someone who never did anyone any harm, and the way of passing was not good. But I now accept that it’s life. It happens and there is not a lot we can do about it other than somehow, soldier on. At this moment you pain is great. Everyone on here knows that pain. so you are among understanding friends. Take care of yourself as well as those around you. Bless you.
John.

Dear John,

Thanks for reaching out,

It’s strange but I know that if I move on and don’t go down the route of enquiry I will probably be less traumatised but part of me thinks if I don’t they just get away with bad behaviour. No lie I had some amazing consultants but 1 really horrible one who I want the hospital to be aware of. I will defo raise a concern so that they note it and maybe leave it at that. If I told you all the details it would take up pages and pages. If we don’t complain nothing will change but if I do someone else may not suffer as much as I did. Even a doctors
Kind words makes the world of difference about how you feel, it doesn’t bring mum back but it makes you feel like your loved one was in the best of hands and it was fate… I don’t feel that about mum. I think I need time to decide.
As you said any loss is bad sorry that you are still hurting and I hope that you will reunite with your loved one in the hereafter.

Do people struggle to understand why you are hurting after so many years ? My husband was surprised I was crying yesterday he said it’s been 4 months and you are crying now?

Take çare
X

C1971,
How awful, well an apology for something unintentional is good but some mistakes cost lives and in cases like yours infertility. What can we do, compensation is not going to bring my mum back but acknowledging errors or an apology might make me feel better who knows ?

How is your health now hope you are feeling ok now.

Rose

Hi Rose,
I feel the same. My Dad was 61 with no underlining conditions. He contracted Covid on a flight from Spain in March and died 4th April. K just wish they had cancelled the flights sooner :cry: I didn’t get to see him or say goodbye because my daughter was sheilding with CKD. I totally understand how you feel and I’d like to say it will get better but I can’t even tell myself that either. My dad was fit and healthy and worked in retail 50-60 hours a week. They were both gone before their time :broken_heart:

Thanks rose. I’m good but the loss of my mum has aged me. I dont sleep well, and I’m permanently tired.
I am permanently changed x

Crying after four months!!! I am still crying now and then after 20 months. People cry after many years. Does you husband not realise what you are going through? It is a once in a lifetime trauma. No, they don’t realise. They may not have been where you are now.
If you feel you have a legitimate case then by all means make a formal complaint, but don’t knock yourself up over it. Things like that can go on and on and become tiring. As you say, it wont bring mum back, but it may prevent others going through the same thing. Doctors, by virtue of their job, do so often become almost indifferent to a relatives suffering. I have met the good and the bad. We can all look forward but looking back can be painful. Take care and very best wishes. John.

Rubygem2
That’s very tragic the way you have lost your dad too. 61 is so young.