Struggling to function, dreading the funeral, worried about my 2 daughters one younger and one older than Sam.
My husband is also devastated along with my elderly mother who has a terminal illness. I’m terrified of the future and all the years ahead of not seeing him.
Hi Sally,
I’m so sorry to hear you lost your Son 10 days ago. It’s understandable how devasted you and your family are. When we lose someone we love, so young, it’s difficult to imagine the future without them. I’m so sorry for your loss. You must all be in a state of shock at the moment where it will be a real struggle to function.
It’s also difficult to deal with your own grief, whilst worrying about everyone else.
There are many caring people in the community who have also lost sons and daughters and I’m sure they will reply to your post.
Please keep talking to us. Trudy x
Thank you so much for your prompt response xx
Hi Sally…Having lost my Son a few months ago I know how you are feeling,it is something you never thought or could imagine would ever happen…I think to lose a child regardless of age is one of the most cruellest thing in life…You are bound to be in shock and disbelief at the moment, grief brings many emotions, fear for the future and the thought of never seeing them again I think is something that will last for ever…When I lost my son I was terrified of being left alone.I was frightened of the dark and all I wanted to do was sleep hoping that when I woke up it had all been a nightmare…Somehow you get through day by day there is no option…It as helped me to come on this forum and to talk about how I feel.
Thinking of you…Love Marina xx
Thank you so much Marina I know exactly what you mean about being frightened I am terrified of everything at the moment even about my 2 other children being out in their cars I have found your post very helpful today love Sal xx
I was exactly the same if my Husband or Son was not home at a certain time I would call them just to make sure they were okay,it does get better but I don’t think it goes completely… Grief is such a roller-coaster of all kinds of emotions…Love Marina xx
So sorry SAlly to hear that you have lost your son. We too lost our precious 27 year old son last year. The pain is indescribable and your world is turned inside out. I do feel you. There are many others who have lost sons and daughters and to be honest these parents are the only ones who can understand the raw agony of living on without our children. Be kind to yourself and keep the good people in your life close. With love Wynne
Thank you Wynne that is helpful to hear that there are others who understand and are kind enough to take time to make someone else feel a bit hopeful for the future much appreciated xxx
Hello Sally, it’s exactly a year ago today we scattered my daughter’s ashes. She was my middle one too, and died 16 months ago aged 35 (it was suicide). I remember it was a grey, drizzly day and I still felt numb, on automatic pilot most of the time and I couldn’t see anything to look forward to anymore.
A year on and it’s clear blue skies and sunshine and that’s often how I feel now. I never thought I’d smile again, let alone laugh, but I do. Back then I had to summon every ounce of energy just to get out of bed, and although people said to take one day at a time I couldn’t, 24 hours was too long to think about, so I used to mentally divide the day into sections (breakfast to coffee time, coffee time to lunch etc) and then most days I could cope. As a family we stayed close as far as possible, me, my husband and our other two children and our grandchildren. We cried together and hugged together - lots of hugs! That was a big help and got me through.
I keep saying I want the old me back, and I’m slowly getting there, but it will always be a different me. When you lose a child part of you dies too so I think I’ve just got to be patient and accept the new normal. I just want to encourage you by letting you know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel eventually, though it’s early days for you so you probably won’t see it yet, and gradually you’ll have more good days than bad. In the meantime be kind to yourself, and let yourself be comforted by those close to you just as you are comforting them.
Sending a big hug from one Mum to another. Kathy
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Hi Kathy thank you so much! That gives me some hope I have been doing 5 minutes at a time with my family since this happened and the days are so long. My oldest daughter is getting married on 4th June in Corfu and Sam was obviously going to be a part of this we are all still going and we know it will be hard. Family and friends have been amazing but I’m so so overwhelmed and your post has given me hope when I thought there was none.
Big hugs to you,
Sal
Oh Sal, grief is such a whirlwind of emotions as it is without the added pressure of looking ahead to what would normally be such a happy event. My heart goes out to you. Sometimes you feel you just want to retreat from the outside world, you must be absolutely exhausted. It will be hard, but you will get through it and of course Sam will be with you in spirit, he’ll always be with you in your heart because the love you had for him, and the love he had for you, will never die - though that’s probably not much consolation to you right now. Take very good care of yourself, and if you feel like posting again I’ll always reply. Kathy x
Thank you Kathy and I will post again I am sure just anxious about the funeral which is 8th may however we have to do it and will just try to get through it the best we can. Then we have the wedding in Corfu 4/6/18.
You have lifted me enormously and I really needed it at this time salxx
May 8th must seem so far away for you, and every hour is so long. I remember going to pieces between arranging the funeral and it actually taking place (for me it was 3 weeks). Part of me wanted it over and done with so that I could draw a line under what had happened and take our first steps into life without Heidi but part of me wanted it to never happen because it seemed so final, she really wouldn’t be phoning to say she’d been away for a few days. It sounds daft now but when you’re anxious your mind can play silly tricks on you. I worried about everything, from how I would react on the day, how would my son and other daughter cope afterwards, down to trivial thing, have we printed off enough orders of service, will there be enough food for the buffet etc. And if my other two didn’t reply fairly quickly to an email or phone call I went into panic mode thinking something bad had happened to them.
In the end the funeral itself was fine, quite uplifting in a way, and so much support from so many people, it was the waiting and the worrying beforehand that was worse so I do feel for what you’re going through right now. Kathy x
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That’s helpful to know Kathy it will be 3 weeks for us too and I am feeling all those things you have described. Obsessing over small details and also not wanting to be involved as it feels so final. Xx
Obsessing describes it exactly. I had so many thought tumbling round my head and mentally planned for every possible (worst-case!) scenario. I felt worn out but still couldn’t sleep, my mind never stopped. My husband said if you looked at me you could see the cogs whirring round in my head. It’s a horrible thing to go through, you never thought you’d have to cope with this - it’s not the natural order of things - but you will, there’s an amazing strength in the love of those around you that gets you through this together. Keep hugging . . . . . xx
Many thanks Kathy it’s such a relief to hear this from someone who knows xxx
Oh Sally I feel for you I really do, it’s 16 month for me since Antony died on scene of car incident I am still awaiting inquest which be honest the coroner dragging his heels. Antony died dec14 2016 . Funeral was 30th Dec. Xmas etc in between
I don’t recall 2017 at all I have only snippets of that year. Strange feeling but I think numbness protects me from that year.
I am now back at work full time but for me when I get home I do break down for my son’s life lost the things he should be doing.
I don’t know how I am still here, surely we die of broken heart right?. I want him come through the door shout mum . I know he won’t and it’s heart breaking.
I do have better days where the grief let’s go a little , always there. I can do things now where Antony isn’t forefront in my mind but he is always there and always will be.
Funeral like Kathy said I did fret by the scenarios that could happen though this was just my brain in overdrive. the days are still grey for me .others say see difference in me but I don’t.
Hope is all we have that won’t always feel like this , early weeks months is exhausting and you have remember look after you. Xx
Thank you so much Julie these posts do help me so much I am still in disbelief and the physical pain I have is overwhelming as I’m sure you understand I can’t imagine getting through a day without taking it just 5 minutes at a time which frightens me for the future. I have been thinking this morning about work as I don’t know how I can return and my job has been very important in my life until now, but I can’t possibly stay home either as that is so empty. Friends and family have been amazing and I will try to look after myself as that is good advice. Again many thanks for your post sal xxxx
I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost my 26yr old son 4 weeks ago. We had the funeral last week. It’s so very very hard. He has 5 siblings and they are utterly devastated. If only kind words could heal the pain. I sleep at night and then when i wake it hits me again that he’s gone…every morning. Sending you love xxx
Hi
I lost my son 3 months ago. I still feel that pain today. Although the physical Tyler is gone I still talk to him, I even moaned at him the other day as I tripped over his shoes. They will never leave us imagine him and picture him travelling from ur mind to a safe place in ur heart and when u need to feel him touch that place and know that your holding him again because that’s where you’ve put him safe back inside you where he started.
Sending u both my love
Kate xx