My son took his own life on the 15th December and even after the funeral a week ago i still feel like its the day it happened. I am being strong so everyone says but inside i cant describe the sheer pain i feel. He was 30 and leaves 3 children and 2 siblings who he was so close to and none of us saw this he was with a gf who we now know was hitting him and controlling and he told her he was going to do it and she didnt tell anyone. I feel ok at times and then i feel this hurt from my toes up it creeps up and i then fall apart. I have trouble talking at times and get anxious to be on my own shaking and forgetting what i need to say or going off on a tangents talking of a completely different subject.
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Carla3 I know exactly what you going through because my son took his own life last Sunday he also was 30 and it’s his birthday on February 7 so please take some comfort in knowing you are not alone with how you are feeling I’m braking down all the time
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Thank you. I’m sorry for your loss too the pain is horrendous, and people do mean well, but dont know what to say. I feel bad still after a month and feel guilty that i am so sad still and cant even think about going back to work
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I know what you mean about going back to work iv also got that on my mind because I know iv goto go back to support my family but the thought of people coming up to me and asking or saying anything is hard because I know I will just break down in tears.
Iv never been in so much pain and I bet you feel the same it’s so hard to see how you can even get through a day let alone a lifetime
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I am broken hearted for you Carla and Mark. I too have lost a son to suicide. He passed away in August 2022 and had been suffering poor mental health for some time. Since that terrible day, I have been fortunate and lucky to have had a tremendous amount of support from a very loving family and set of close friends. They are staggered that I manage to get out of bed every day, and, being honest, so am I. When well meaning people ask me how I feel, I truthfully reply that I don’t know. There are no words to describe the pain. It has helped me to journal my random thoughts and dreams to try and make sense of them. And now, nearly five months on, I am learning how to ask for help and create boundaries. This all takes time and when you are so recently bereaved, it is impossible to think straight. I didn’t know how to ask for help at first but I am learning. This site has been an absolute God send and today I’ve plucked up the courage to put my first entry on. I feel for you both so much and just had to let you know. You are not alone, and I send you much love and prayers.
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Thank you Julia.
My son also was suffering with mental health and he tried to get help but no one seemed to take him seriously he had suffered since he was young, because he got no help I think this is why he turned to drinking but that resulted in him being a alcoholic but he was trying to get help with that but all the health services wanted to do was offer him a phone call from them and they just said try to cut down which was no help because he couldn’t, on the Saturday before he ended his life I was with him and he was drunk he told me he was going to hang his self but I didn’t take him seriously I just wish I had then I could have stayed with him and kept him safe I’m sure my lovely son would not have done this if he wasn’t drunk because only a week before we had been making plans to go out exploring in the summer time with his young brother, I’m so lost without him
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Oh Mark, my heart goes out to you. It is so terribly hard to watch your boy go through what he went through. Poor lad, he sounds so loving and caring and obviously loved his little brother. He would never have wanted to hurt anyone, but I do believe both he and my own son Daniel genuinely thought we would all be better off without them. How wrong they were. My boy struggled with alcohol for years and it really got a grip of him in his last year. Sober he was wonderful, and drunk he was a completely different person - someone I didn’t even know. It really was like watching Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. We even used to talk about how we were going to get rid of his demon, because he hated himself for doing what he did, but he couldn’t stop, however hard he tried. And I think both our boys tried very hard. Now we have to open up and talk, and that’s hard for us but it will help to get us through grief. You take care of yourself and accept any help on offer - and if you want to stay inside the house and see no one for a while, you can, because I’ve found that you need time in peace just to process all your thoughts before you can tell them to someone else. I’m back at work now and this has actually helped. But don’t hurry back yet - take your time and your workmates will all understand.
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Julia what you have just posted sounds so familiar to me in every way my son was also called Daniel he was 30 and I loved him so much I really don’t want a life without him I just want him with me so much
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It feels so awful - there are days when I still can’t believe it. I look at Daniel’s Facebook page to see if there’s anything new and feel surprised when there isn’t. It’s like being in a parallel universe. And I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want to join him. But we have our other children - I have a 22 year old daughter (Daniel will be forever 31) and you have your young son, who like my Olivia, will want to comfort you. Let him do that and give him a big hug. I’m thinking of you Mark.
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Thank you julia
Each day i feel different and trying to even do anything is hard. Mark i feel the same i wouldnt try thinking about work its a shock an awful shock and it is so raw to think our boys thought they had no option is sad but like julia said they never meant to hurt us all i am glad i reached out as its lonely as nobody knows unless they have bren through or are going through this.
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I’m so glad I have talked to you both today - I think I’ve been trying to ‘put off’ my grief, deny it and just make it go away. It won’t - I just wasn’t strong enough to face it. Carla, take care and only do what you feel you can manage. It’s early days for all of us - going back to work is a big step and don’t even think about it just now. Sending hugs your way and I’m so glad you did reach out xxx 
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Thank you everyone in a way it’s sort of comforting knowing other people are going through the same thing even though I wish no one was, please keep posting because it’s all I do all day and night is look on here
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Is anyone else close to me in Derbyshire
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I wish I was! My late mum was born and raised in Matlock, but I married a Scotsman and live near Glasgow. I’ll keep posting! You’re right Mark, it is a comfort being on here although we wouldn’t want anyone to go through this.
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I am in the midlands. I look at fb and my messages n calls from the week leading up to kyle leaving and i still dont feel like its real i cant believe he has gone. The pain you woukdnt wish on anyone x 
sending you both love and strength i will keep in touch. Each day is hard but how i get here is beyond me i sometimes dont know where the days gone. If i drive to my other 2 kids and grandkids as i live 50mins away from them i dont know how i get there x
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Julia I live 10 minutes from Matlock and me and my son used to go walking around Matlock a lot.
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I’m the same Carla I’m always looking at my texts to see if my son has text me
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Iv just been down to my son’s house and bought all his stuff up home so tomorrow will be the last time I can go to his house and talk to him I really wish it wasn’t because I feel close to him there it’s going to be very emotional and hard
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I cant go to my sons my family n his dad have been but i went to chapel everyday before the funeral. But it still doesnt seem like he is gone.
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Iv just been sat play a board game with my other children but all I could think was my Daniel would have loved being here playing, I tried my best to be happy playing the game for my other children but I could see myself in the mirror and I looked so unhappy
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