My heart breaks for you and mark and juliec…after reading your post and replies i can barely contemplate your pain so strong do i feel your suffering …what you are going through has to be the worst kind of pain all i can offer are my prayers and love as readinng your posts have humbled me as my deepest fears are that one of my sons would do the same one day…he has already told me he wants to die…he is 16 now has many problems in his life and lost his father recently…in your name and honour i will watch him close keep him closer…i am so very very sorry for your loss I wish it wasnt so for you all here words cant express my deepest sympathy and respect for your hardest struggle life can bring…
1 Like
Yes Mark i try to be happy for my grandchildren and my other 2 children but it is hard but i do get upset in front of them at times which i hate but it cant be helped. The loss is so big to us all and yours will be the same its so so hard. It is crippling, but dont feel bad for doing these things and thinking of your son when doing things i take that as a bit of comfort as i would look at it as i am doing that for him if that makes sense? I read a poen at Kyles funeral and ended that with so now we will live for you kyle and i am trying but this pain and sadness is going to last for a long time it is only the beginning i think we really do need to be kind to ourselves x
Thank you for you message pony. Yes, talk to your son and explain there are ways of help and you will help in whatever way you can as you love him so much , its so hard to hear that he feels that way as a parent 
and i hope you are doing ok too here to talk if ever you need us too Xx
I woke up this morning thinking god that was a horrible dream but then in a split second reality hit home and the crying started again, I’m really struggling to see that things will get easier I just don’t think they ever will, every second of the day iv got what could I have done to help Daniel get through this and WHY
2 Likes
Pony my son was like that for a long time please please do everything you can to help him everything 
1 Like
I know yes i just feel like i float along looking at myself i dont believe Kyles gone and do go over the morning as i had messaged n he never replied his friend rung and he never answered and then 40min later got the call that sent my world crashing down. I live 50 min away and have guilt that i couldnt get to him and coukd i of saved him shoukd i of called him not text he had spoken to his dad the evening before and saw his sister that day too he was Christmas shopping for his kids and nephews 
but i know this is here forever now and i am the same cant see past today and this is repeated every hour of everyday its like groundhog day its awful and why do i feel guilty for not feeling ok its horrendous x sending you lots of strength
How could you have known this would happen… and of course the guilt will eat you up…woulda coulda shoulda we all have that i know i do for all those things that me eat after my father passed…my heart goes out to you…regrets at what we didn’t do are hard to overcome…my.mum was going to visit my uncle the day he took his life…even now she bears the pain of what if…there are no easy answers for what you experience, to hear its not your fault wont bring you any comfort…even though its not your fault…and in time perhaps you can explore that thought…keep talking keep praying our lord has your son safe now in a better place…worst thing you can do is go silently into retreat… many here sympathise deeply i know i do my heart breaks imagining your suffering…ive watched my mum suffer for her brother i know like you know the wound is deep and the scar will be lifelong but here i hope you can find comfort and understanding and a chance to unburden some pain even if for only a moment…all my love
1 Like
I was with my son on the Saturday before he took his life on the Sunday he told me he was going to kill his self but he was drunk and I didn’t think he would do it but when ever I used to leave Daniel’s house the last thing I always said was “ see you later “ and he always said yes see you later but this time when I said it he didn’t answer me I should have realised something was different and stopped with him, for some months me and Daniel’s mum was getting texts and phone calls in the early hours from Daniel when he was drunk and on meany occasions we would have to go down to his house and he’d usually end up in hospital for a few hours but all the last week Daniel’s mum had told Daniel she couldn’t cope with the calls and texts threw the night and sh was putting her phone on silent at night so on the Sunday morning when she got up she looked at her phone and there was a text saying goodbye please just phone the police and don’t come to my house I never turned my phone off or put it on silent but I wish I’d told Daniel my phone wasn’t on silent so he knew he could have phoned me because I’m wondering if he thought my phone was on silent
I get this wondering too but kyle didnt leave anything no note txt missed call so i struggle at that x do find doing anything is major effort x we will never make sense of it or know and i know this but its so hard to come to terms with that i still try to fathom it out even though i know its pointless 
Carla I’m with you more than you will ever know I know it doesn’t make things any easier knowing this but just wanted to let you know, I know I shouldn’t blame myself but I can’t help it no matter what I’m Daniel’s dad I should have kept him safe
1 Like
Thank you so much for your kind and heartfelt words Pony. They were so comforting to read. It’s terrifying for a parent to hear that their child wants to die and we try everything we possibly can to help and assure them that life is worth living and that their dark thoughts are just ‘visitors’ and will pass. Trying to get the right help is a minefield in itself, and no more so than today with a crumbling NHS and a woeful lack of mental health services on offer. Things there were not as bad when I first tried to engage with them back in 2006 when my boy Daniel was 15. Before he hit puberty, he was the calmest and most serene boy and his school reports were telling me that he was an asset to his class with his unflappable nature. Then it all changed overnight and its only now that I can see that he likely suffered from ADHD and suspected autism. Once I’d succeeded in securing the services for him, he clamped up and refused to engage with them. It very very difficult to get through to him to assure him that these people were here to help him rather than judge him and he remained full of self doubt for around three years. I wish I had been more forceful then, but I genuinely didn’t want to scare him further. Pony, I do believe the only way to go is to be a warrior and never accept ‘no’ from anyone and if you feel you’re not getting the right attention for your boy - fight like a tigress. I found that hard because I don’t like confrontation. Telling your lovely boy that you will always be there for him is something I’m sure you’ve already done and just keep doing it. You sound like a wonderful and caring Mum to him. Daniel eventually did come out of his troubled teens stronger and more self assured. His best years were between 18-25 before alcohol got a grip of him. Sadly, we have a family history of alcoholism which is being taken far more seriously these days than it ever used to be. My thoughts and prayers are with you Pony - and Mark and Carla too. Our burdens are so heavy but we’re all on here to share them. (Didn’t mean for this post to be so long and thank you so much for reading it). Love and hugs to you all xxx
1 Like
I try my best he is very insular doesnt talk at all to me though i check in regularlyr regardless…started smoking weed and vaping with new school friends…im working with school to try and keep him motivated and on track with his studies which arent going well tbh…he feels like one of lifes losers just now and has much inside he wont express and missing his dad has only made things worse…yes i know all the ingredients are there for a terrible future if i cant pull him back to the right path…but im going solo theres only me rest of his family dont give a monkeys…cept my mum but shes old and very poorly and needs support herself so i do not burden her at all…im all for my sons if im not at work im at home with them doing what i can as brightly as i can…still im down myself and housework cooking and shopping are on an as and when basis…they both know i struggle but im never away from home now no social scene no distractions from their needs as much as i can…my heart goes out to you, you live in my worst imagined nightmare every parents worst fear im unable to find words of comfort for you simply because i feel so heartbroken for you and every parent who loses a child especially this way…god bless you many many times i pray your son is safe in the hands of our lord and he may bring you comfort though comfort will not be easy to accept i know that …all my love
2 Likes
I am thinking of you today Mark as you go to Daniel’s home. Yes, it will be so hard - and very painful. I did the same and my brother came to help. We walked around my Daniel’s flat talking to him as we packed up all the belongings. We blessed and prayed in each room and it really felt as if he was there with us. It was calm and quiet and I did feel he was at peace, watching us and feeling proud of us for doing this for him. His poor girlfriend (who had lived there with him) couldn’t do it - she is now living back with her Mum and in a twilight world. She loved him so very much. We are all here for you today Mark and send much love xx
1 Like
I’m going down in a hour I feel physically sick 
1 Like
Can you take someone with you? I wish I could come down there and do it all for you. It’s the moments leading up to it that can be worse than actually going in - how I feel for you today Mark. We would all do absolutely anything for our kids and today you have the hardest task of all. God bless you xx
1 Like
Thinking of you so much mark sending you strength from within me to help x
I’m back from Daniel’s house and my god that was hard having to say goodbye to Daniel for the last time in his house I feel so empty
2 Likes
It’s really hard. One of my brothers said “you’ll never have to go through that again” and I know he was trying to help but I was inconsolable. Its so final. Hoping you have people with you this evening Mark xx
Tbh I have no one just sit here on my own with tv on but iv no idea what’s on
Morning Mark, i just wanted to check in on you as i haven’t been on for a few days.