It’s been one week since my 30 year old son was found dead in his home. We don’t know why My heart is shattered I just feel dead inside
@Mandb - I am so, so, sorry. This is hard beyond belief for you. It is all so raw and so recent. You have come to the right place for your friends here at Sue Ryder all know grief and pain, love and loss, sadness and darkness. We walk here alongside you. Take your time, my friend. I lost my husband in January and find great comfort in talking to him. That might help. This message comes with loads of love.
My son was found dead in his flat 1 year and 4 months ago the pain is immense and visceral we did find out eventually it was his heart in an undiagnosed condition! He was 39 my youngest boy. The pain is no different now as it was in the first. I think about him all the time. I ache and pine to hear his voice. I would swap places with him in a heartbeat. I have 3 grandsons that keep me going I cannot give up and do that to them. It is hell on earth. I just wanted to say I am with you and I understand. I cannot say anything that makes it better. We are stuck with it. But I am with you in your pain and utter shock and hurt that this brings to us. I have not posted on this site for a while as I find it hard for me to find my way around it. I have posted an initial about my baby boy. But I did get only one reply and now I am sent a weekly update. It is me I am not good at his sites. I feel for you and if you want to send me a PM and maybe we can talk. Share our heart break and maybe find a connection. If you post back I may not see it as I said I find this site really difficult to get a hand on. Or, ask them to connect us two. much love and compassion fran
There is a thread ‘loss of our son aged 27’ on here that has lots of posts, from parents in our situation, lovely lovely people who understand what it is to lose an adult child. Try posting there, it is a good place to go.
Much love, Ann
How do I find this thread Ann? I just can’t accept he’s gone The thought of him being all on his own and so cold:sob:I can’t bare it:broken_heart:
It is 6 weeks since my darling daughter passed, so I know only too well how you are feeling.
If you go to the community home page there is a list of different chats about losing a child. Go down the list to the one ‘loss of our son aged 27’ with over 5k posts and click on that to read and post.
If you have trouble go on the 3 bars and go to help.
Hope this is useful.
Much love Ann
Hi im so sorry for your loss of your son your in shock .im so sorry talk to him out loud tiny steps come on here and talk any time thinking of you sending a hug x
I really, really feel for you. It’s only just over 5 weeks since I found my son dead in bed at his flat . He was only 38 and as yet we don’t know how but we had his cremation and celebration of life on Friday. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to endure and I’m so very sorry you are going through it too as are all of the others posting on this site. People are very kind, some have words of hope others are struggling as we are . I find it hard to find my way around the site so I’ve posted in various places. To be honest all I want to do is cry and vent my disbelief and heartbreak to others. You are not alone…we are all here to listen.
Love and lots of caring hugs Sue xxx
I too struggle to post in the right place so I’ve posted in lots of places. It’s hard to know what to say to others…I’m so afraid of saying something that sounds insensitive. My son was 38…nearly the same age as your son. This is a nightmare…isn’t it…but one we can’t ever wake up from. My son was also my best friend, we shared so much together. He lived 5 minutes away, we shared the same hobby every weekend and both loved our lives so much. Now my life is nothing without him. He was also my youngest son. My eldest son, 18 months older than Andrew doesn’t live at home and I know he’s struggling too as is my ex husband, Andrews dad and my partner of 20years. I want to be there for then all but can hardly drag myself through each day at the moment.
I try hard to tell myself that Andrew would hate for me to be so sad…he’d want me to carry on enjoying everything we loved to do and I’m determined that I will do…for him and to feel close to him even if it hurts like mad! I loved him so much.
Thanks for listening…Sue xxx
My daughter did not die suddenly. She knew she hadn’t long to live. Both awful situations, in different ways.
But she said to her brother (he couldn’t say this to me, had to write it down) ‘There will be a big hole at first, but it will get easier, or at least less hard, and then life will go on in all its rackety glory’.
She was so brave, and so wise.
Life is going on, the Katherine shaped hole is still there and always will be, but she wanted us to live life, so for her and all our children we have to do our best.
Love and hugs, Ann
Hi Anne i have tried so hsrd for the sake of my daughter and grandchildren but yes we are empty shells on autopilot waiting for our children to come back . Waiting for something to happen …can not believe its a year tomorrow like your daughter Anne got told he could have a year he lasted four months this time last year he made me smile he acted funny he said he was in the telly wrestling the rock . And chatting about his happy childhood . His voice came back .he slept in the chair. That night .but last woke at 3.15 for a wee .i held his hand till he drifted i went to sleep .i hadnt slept deep till this night when i looked st him at eightvi new he had gone peacefully in his sleep in his front room which he loved its crazy x
You looked after Sam to the end, you couldn’t have loved him more, he talked about being happy, he fell asleep holding your hand.
I know you are proud of your lovely Sam, but be proud of yourself too, you are a great mum and grandmum, and all of us on here know that.
Much love, Ann
Thank you Anne💔
It is a nightmare and I think that the sudden deaths are so brutal it is like being punched hard in the body that knocks all sense of anything out of me and sheer
shock and trauma. As for my thoughts and feelings it is my son all the time. I still cannot get on with this site so I will stick to this thread if I post. It is 14 months
for me this month. I am so sorry for your loss and all the others who have posted
here. The very worst happened to us. I have two other children older than my
Paul and 3 grandsons’ so I had to keep going. One thing I was grateful for was as
an older mum my kids adults . My thoughts are I think I will have less time to live
this pain. We are broken love. thanks for sharing fran11 xxx
I replied to your post further down and I have just worked out how to answer an individual post. After posting duh! x
I send you my very best thoughts. I think you have been courageous and full of love. That won’t change. To lose someone we gave birth to feels all wrong and they are irreplaceable. I wish you strength and peace. X
I feel your pain my son died suddenly 13 weeks ago he was 31 xx
Another day to get through. I was always such an optimist person before losing Andrew. We used to talk about everything and I remember saying to him that no matter how bad life is there’s always something to look forward to . Well that was before…now I think what a load of rubbish I spouted! There’s NOTHING to look forward to now. I realise now that everything I loved or looked forward to was either because I was sharing it with him or could tell him about it or he would share his day with me. I feel so empty.
How do you all get through the days?
It’s my birthday next week…I don’t care!! But my partner of 20 years thinks it’s selfish of me to not want my presents…after all he’s had them since before Andrew died, all wrapped up. I want to scream at him…I DON’T WANT TO HAVE A BIRTHDAY!! People keep saying I’m lucky I have him to support me but I don’t think he really understands at all the pain I’m in…I’ll never see my son again…stuff the bloody presents, everything!!! All I want is my son
I think we all know that emptiness. What on earth do our old everyday concerns matter?
For me, I have to believe that Katherine wanted me to carry on living as best I can, and I trust she is still with me in some unseen way. When I’m very low and just want to cry, I try to send her love, vibes of love, it’s all I can do for her.
It is even earlier days for you, but hold on to your love of Andrew.
It’s not selfish at all not to want your birthday presents, but even people close to you don’t always understand. They want to help, to ‘cheer you up’, and don’t realise it doesn’t work like that.
I hope you can sort this out together, because I’m sure he does want to support you and doesn’t really know how. (My partner keeps saying ‘I don’t know what to say to you’ because he knows there’s nothing he can say, but he’d do anything to help if he could, and I do appreciate his kindness.)
Much love to you. You will have better days.
Hi SueDav - right now you are brim full of grief. There’s no room for ‘normality’ or thinking of other things or your birthday or almost anything that’s outside of the painful grief. Perhaps all you can do is keep on keeping on. That’s enough right now. It’s absolutely exhausting trying to make sense of what’s happened, going over and over the shock and loss. From my experience (early days for me, my daughter died mid January) and what others say on here, it’s what happens, it’s excruciatingly painful but somehow we keep on keeping on. I’m now finding brief moments of peace which is a start and good enough. A lot of the time I’m either crying or angry at the world and the unfairness of it all. I wish you some peace on your journey. Be kind to yourself, you have been through enough. Love xx