I became Bereaved after my wife passed away in hospital on 1st May 2016. Since then i have tried to keep myself going by doing things around the flat and i went to see my GP who put me on Mirtazapine tablets and gave me a sick note for 8 weeks. I was my wife’s main carer and when she passed away i felt so lost.I am on Bereavement allowance. I now find myself at more of a loss than i first did.These last few days i have become tearful just about every day.I have spoken to Cruise Bereavement and they have put me on their waiting list which is 6 months, I am in need of someone to talk to sooner than that. My brother is my only nearest relative and whilst sorry for my loss he really hasnt a clue just how i feel.I also have joined a Bereavement group on Facebook and they are supportive towards each other.It would be nice if i could have someone to talk to about it face to face.
Hi john I know exactly how you feel I lost my partner of 25 years on the 11th of May this year and I feel exactly the same as you do empty and lonely I feel as if I am in a bubble I just can’t believe what has happened the only thing you can do is take it each day at a time the same as I am doing I’ve been off my work since then and don’t know when I am going to be able to go back try and stay strong I’m here if you need someone to speak to
Hi Janey sincerest condolences to you My wife and myself were married for 13 years and together for 14 years.Did you feel the same as i did at first i was kept busy you know the sort of thing making phone calls etc and trying to tie all the loose ends up so to speak.I re arranged the flat after her hospital bed had been taken away so as to fill that empty void and its only recently that ive gone as as far as i can go that the reality of it all is kicking in and kicking in hard. Yes i keep saying to myself to take one day at a time and the old saying that every day brings something new. I think one of the hardest parts is the financial side of things ive been turned down for ESA due to them saying i have more than enough to live on. I get Bereavement allowance.Unlike you my only job was carer for my wife ive done that for the last 9 years so all of a sudden im in territory that i havent been in for a long time.Its great to know there are other people in same boat to chat to etc. Ive just had a phone call from Gateway to care about my email for the Better in Kirklees Group. Its a way to get me out and about with other people they have forwarded my request to the group and hopefully ill hear something back. Thanks again for your reply and its always nice to talk to someone
I’m here any time I just hope time is a healer I’ve got a good circle of family and friends Roberts death was sudden and I didn’t get to say goodbye he collapsed in the street across from where we live so when I look out of the window that’s what I see I blame myself for lots of things but that’s just part of the grieving process so I’m told it’s the long days in the the house that gets to me I just miss him so much keep your chin up take care x
Thank you. Its good that you have a good circle of family and friends.I have a brother and a niece that have been supportive but really Bro doesnt really know how i feel.Nobody does only someone who has or is going through it.Oh my goodness that must have been awful for you with Robert just collapsing like that.I know how you feel because Trish was in hospital after an operation on her foot she had a big toe taken off cos it was riddled with infection and diabetes problems. The operation itself went very well and no complications.Its just she took a reaction to the antibiotics they gave her and vomited black stuff which they said was dead blood. Some of it went on to her lungs and she developed Aspersion Pneumonia and was nil by mouth and she seemed to recover from it pretty well. I went to see her every day and while i was waiting for the bus on the Sunday my phone went it was the ward sister she told me i needed to get there quickly so i phoned for a taxi but alas it was too late when i got there she had slipped away. She didnt die alone her daughter was by her side so thats something but id have given anything to have been there for her had i known.The only consolation is she didnt suffer she went peacefully.It was down to heart attack and diabetes problems. She was disabled and had no mobility so i guess she had had enough suffering.
Yes like you i find the long days in the flat the worst i need to try and get more active being borderline diabetic i dont want to get in a poorly state like Trish was.
Thanks for the reply and you also keep your chin up and take care x
I never got to say goodbye to Robert either when I got to him he was away so he didn’t know I was there like your wife Robert had heart trouble and diabeties take care of yourself x
I sympathsise with you Take care of yourself also x
Hi John I lost my husband in February of a heart attack he was 47 like you I am going through a roller coaster of emotions and like you I dread the future as it’s all uncharted territory I am very emotional to I actually started a new job 5 days after I had my husband cremated it was the toughest thing I’ve ever done but it’s been my sanity as mostly I hold myself together at work but when I get home I usually fall apart. I spend a great deal of time alone as I don’t really enjoy being around people despite feeling desparately lonely. I think you are very brave you have taken your first step by reaching out on here it may not seem it but you have I think when we lose someone we love everything and I mean everything is painful, I went to asda alone to shop and could barely hold myself together but I made myself go because nobody can really help us unless you have experienced it how could you possibly understand so it’s up to us even if it’s tiny steps at a time and yes you will feel overwhelmed with sadness and a mixture of other emotions you’ve never experienced before because our lives have completely changed and we will be forever changed ourselves we never asked for this and let’s face it we feel cheated out of our futures with our loved ones. It’s really early days for you John at this stage and there is no magic wand to make yourself feel better grief can’t be avoided unfortunately but whilst you are waiting for your cruse appointment come on here share your pain rant whatever you need to do you are not alone this is a safe place and we are all in the same boat. My name is karen by the way and you can message me anytime about anything xx
Hi Karen Yes it is tough having to adjust to a new life from what you were used to. We used to have our shopping delivered and Trish used to do the booking slots etc.So after she had passed away i decided to have one more delivery the week after she had died and then id have to go and do it myself as it worked out cheaper for me to pay bus fare rather than delivery fees. I coped so well in the early stages the only thing i havent managed to do yet is go in the Market hall as it was our fav haunt we were regulars at one cafe in there and all the staff were like friends and vice versa.I had to get someone to go and see them after Trish had died i just could not face up to it and i still can’t. You were incredibly brave starting a new job so soon after loosing your husband.My wife was my job i was her main carer so i was redundant. I dont like being round large crowds i hate it at such as Xmas time when the town is crowded and bustling.I can understand how you are feeling though you both probably went shopping together just like Trish and me went shopping on a Saturday morning to town round the market hall etc.Hence me not being able to face it yet im ok with the rest of Town. I have even been in the very Greggs that we used to frequent most Wednesday’s except i havent had coffee there just straight in get what i want and out.I dont know if you have Facebook or not but theres a group on there that are really brilliant and all of us are in the same boat all Bereaved and all very helpful. I agree though there is no magic wand to make any of us feel better we just have to get on with it ive got my GP onside to chat to shes been very understanding.She put me on Mirtrazapine to help me sleep and its a mild antidepressant as well.Thanks for the advice though and the chance to get things off my mind its really nice that there are people in the same boat and together we can help each other out. xx
Its here in case anyone is interested.
Thanks for sharing your Facebook group, it is always good for people to know more options of places to get support.
Just to note, it’s not a good idea to share your personal Facebook profile on this site, for privacy reasons, but since you have only linked to a closed group, that is fine.
Perhaps you could also post in the Facebook group about this site if you think the members there might be interested?
Hi Priscilla thanks for that. Ill certainly share the link to Sue Ryder i have mentioned to people in the Group that i have joined the Sue Ryder group. I’ve also mentioned it in general on my own Facebook page.
Great, thanks John for spreading the word to those who might need it.
Hi John, Janey and Karen,
How are you all doing this week?
John - I wonder if you heard anything back about that local group that you were hoping to join? As you say, it sounds like a good way to get out of the house and have some people to talk to.
Good Morning Priscilla and what a lovely morning it is too sun is out and blue skies.
Yes i had a phone call from the group and the lady i spoke with took a few details and she is going to ring me back this Wednesday.It sounds so promising so i’ll see what she says. Thanks for the message and i hope the others on this forum are all doing ok. I will keep you posted as to what happens. Have a good week one and all
Thanks for the reply - it’s nice to hear you sounding positive. Do let us know how it goes.
Ok will do
I just wanted to drop in to introduce you all to new member Bazzo - he’s lost his wife and it would have been their wedding anniversary this month. You can read or reply to his post here: https://support.sueryder.org/community/life-after-bereavement/damned-anniversaries
Hi Priscilla. Thanks for letting us all know and ill pop over and welcome him.Hope you have a great weekend and take care out there
Just to let you know that i am meeting the group i mentioned on 10th August and the lady will then introduce me to the volunteers at the allotment just up the road from me.I’m looking forward to that. Also my GP put me in touch with a service called IAPT and they are ringing me next Tuesday for a chat to see what help if anything they can give me therapy wise. My mood swings are like swings and roundabouts at the moment. Ill let you know how things go