Hi this is my first post. I don’t really know what to say but I feel that I need to get something out so I will probably just waffle.
I recently lost my partner to cancer. She was just 58. I won’t go into too much detail here only to say our situation was extremely tragic and painful (well I guess we all feel that here huh). I believe that the hospital played a negative part in her chances of survival but that is not why I came here.
As the title says I have lost my will to live. Put simply my partner Chanpen was my reason for living. She was the reason I got up every morning, the only reason at 61 I still had any motivation in life. We had so much to look forward to and we were suddenly and quickly ripped apart. The biggest question of them all is Why?
I must have experienced a million emotions since she passed away and definitely already gone through most of the 5 stages of grief…depression, sense of loss and anger being the most prevalent. Its the most horrible emotional roller coaster that you can’t get off. No one is at the controls. On this roller coaster there is only the dives not the upwards trajectory.
One of the most frustrating things I’ve found is people’s lack of understanding of what intense bereavement is. It’s like some one has read a leaflet at the doctors surgery and remembered a few lines…you know like ‘time is a healer’…no its not! I already know that my grief will be eternal. The funeral director said one of the only sensible things I’ve heard and agree with…he said ‘it lives alongside you’…and I immediately thought…yeah that’s so spot on! I don’t ever expect to ‘get over it’…how can you? The best I can hope for is to one day be happy again and to learn to live alongside my eternal grief…I will never forget her and I will pray every day for her
I expect many here will understand my day. It starts with waking up and immediately thinking of my partner. I then go over all sorts of things from her death, to why, to what role the hospital played and so on. All the time I’m trying to find enough motivation to get out of bed. This can take up to an hour on a bad day. Once up groundhog day bursts into the same routine as yesterday and the day before…you know tomorrow will be the same too. Then comes the struggle of just doing things. I try to plan out my day the night before but do I actually want to do any of it? Not a chance! I do it just to pass the time of day…just so I can say that I got through another one.
The days are long, boring and my head is full of anything but what is going on around me…for example World Cup…what World Cup? The TV is on but no one is at home…sound familiar? Eventually after another very long day it’s time to try and get some sleep just so that I can have the same pleasure tomorrow
So I then go over to my partners shrine when I have changed and I am ready for bed. I light the two candles. One either side of her photograph. Her ashes are in a box next to the right candle. I then clasp my hands together and I start praying and talking to her about my day and everything about life and death. I know you might think I am crazy but I swear to God she is with me as she is able to make the candles flicker in a way only possible with wind. Yeah believe me I’m sure she is there. I ask her ‘yes’ or ‘no’ questions and there is a huge response from the candles. This prayer and conversation can go on for up to 45 minutes depending on what I want to tell her. Eventually it’s time to sleep so I say goodnight and she disappears…the candles just start to behave like normal and I know she’s gone. This happens every single night since I got her home. When she came home recently it was the first time since she was admitted to hospital on 10th July.
So…here I am sentenced to my life sentence of grief but really I want to go to her. Last night I asked her if she wanted me to go to her. BOTH candles simultaneously went crazy! But I had to tell her that I couldn’t kill myself. I told her that I couldn’t do that because I saw how desperately she fought to stay alive and how much she wanted to live. I told her it was in God’s hands. Do I want to go? You bet ya! I so want to but I cannot take my own life. It is just wrong, well for me because of the reason I just stated. I am no longer afraid of death…the only good thing that has come out of all this. Also Chanpen had a near death experience either on her operation day (she nearly died on the operating table) or shortly after whilst in critical care. What she described in great detail tells me that there is something after our death. She was Thai and Buddhist so I have been learning about her faith.
So I guess I am now just waiting for my own expiry date and hoping it’s not too long. At least I’m no longer scared of death. The loneliness, depression, despair and general lack of enthusiasm for life is a hard road to follow. I know some of these may improve but I don’t think they will significantly improve.
I will close by saying that I hope you all find some inner peace in your heart. For me I’m just lucky if I get through another day…my target is as simple as that…anything more would be asking for too much.
All the best
PS: how many of you get that constant sick feeling in your stomach?