Lost my will to Live

Losing a partner
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Hi this is my first post. I don’t really know what to say but I feel that I need to get something out so I will probably just waffle.

I recently lost my partner to cancer. She was just 58. I won’t go into too much detail here only to say our situation was extremely tragic and painful (well I guess we all feel that here huh). I believe that the hospital played a negative part in her chances of survival but that is not why I came here.

As the title says I have lost my will to live. Put simply my partner Chanpen was my reason for living. She was the reason I got up every morning, the only reason at 61 I still had any motivation in life. We had so much to look forward to and we were suddenly and quickly ripped apart. The biggest question of them all is Why?

I must have experienced a million emotions since she passed away and definitely already gone through most of the 5 stages of grief…depression, sense of loss and anger being the most prevalent. Its the most horrible emotional roller coaster that you can’t get off. No one is at the controls. On this roller coaster there is only the dives not the upwards trajectory.

One of the most frustrating things I’ve found is people’s lack of understanding of what intense bereavement is. It’s like some one has read a leaflet at the doctors surgery and remembered a few lines…you know like ‘time is a healer’…no its not! I already know that my grief will be eternal. The funeral director said one of the only sensible things I’ve heard and agree with…he said ‘it lives alongside you’…and I immediately thought…yeah that’s so spot on! I don’t ever expect to ‘get over it’…how can you? The best I can hope for is to one day be happy again and to learn to live alongside my eternal grief…I will never forget her and I will pray every day for her :pray:t3:

I expect many here will understand my day. It starts with waking up and immediately thinking of my partner. I then go over all sorts of things from her death, to why, to what role the hospital played and so on. All the time I’m trying to find enough motivation to get out of bed. This can take up to an hour on a bad day. Once up groundhog day bursts into the same routine as yesterday and the day before…you know tomorrow will be the same too. Then comes the struggle of just doing things. I try to plan out my day the night before but do I actually want to do any of it? Not a chance! I do it just to pass the time of day…just so I can say that I got through another one.

The days are long, boring and my head is full of anything but what is going on around me…for example World Cup…what World Cup? The TV is on but no one is at home…sound familiar? Eventually after another very long day it’s time to try and get some sleep just so that I can have the same pleasure tomorrow :smirk::pensive:

So I then go over to my partners shrine when I have changed and I am ready for bed. I light the two candles. One either side of her photograph. Her ashes are in a box next to the right candle. I then clasp my hands together and I start praying and talking to her about my day and everything about life and death. I know you might think I am crazy but I swear to God she is with me as she is able to make the candles flicker in a way only possible with wind. Yeah believe me I’m sure she is there. I ask her ‘yes’ or ‘no’ questions and there is a huge response from the candles. This prayer and conversation can go on for up to 45 minutes depending on what I want to tell her. Eventually it’s time to sleep so I say goodnight and she disappears…the candles just start to behave like normal and I know she’s gone. This happens every single night since I got her home. When she came home recently it was the first time since she was admitted to hospital on 10th July.

So…here I am sentenced to my life sentence of grief but really I want to go to her. Last night I asked her if she wanted me to go to her. BOTH candles simultaneously went crazy! But I had to tell her that I couldn’t kill myself. I told her that I couldn’t do that because I saw how desperately she fought to stay alive and how much she wanted to live. I told her it was in God’s hands. Do I want to go? You bet ya! I so want to but I cannot take my own life. It is just wrong, well for me because of the reason I just stated. I am no longer afraid of death…the only good thing that has come out of all this. Also Chanpen had a near death experience either on her operation day (she nearly died on the operating table) or shortly after whilst in critical care. What she described in great detail tells me that there is something after our death. She was Thai and Buddhist so I have been learning about her faith.

So I guess I am now just waiting for my own expiry date and hoping it’s not too long. At least I’m no longer scared of death. The loneliness, depression, despair and general lack of enthusiasm for life is a hard road to follow. I know some of these may improve but I don’t think they will significantly improve.

I will close by saying that I hope you all find some inner peace in your heart. For me I’m just lucky if I get through another day…my target is as simple as that…anything more would be asking for too much.

All the best

Tony :pray:t3::pray:t3::pray:t3:

PS: how many of you get that constant sick feeling in your stomach?

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I feel exactly the same. I also have the sick feeling. I am so sad. I wish you peace. x

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Thanks for your reply.

The sick feeling is awful its all day every day :pensive:

I am glad I’m not alone although obviously I don’t wish my feelings on anyone else.

I came here to chat with people who actually understand what bereavement is…because I quickly felt few knew…even my sister I don’t think knows what to do, say or how to help me though this. Personally I wish they would say nothing and just listen…because most of the time that’s all you need a listening ear.

However I have found people cannot cope they want to bolt for the door! It’s a shame but I would rather come here then talk to people who you are supposed to be close to…they can’t cope with the pressure :flushed::pensive::pray:t3:

PS…sorry you are sad :pensive::pray:t3:

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I think that “before” whenever anything bad happened, whatever it was, we could make it better. But now we can’t make it better and our lives will never be the same. Thank you for saying your sorry that I’m sad.

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I know what you mean…I think we all have a few regrets about things we said that we would take back now. I think this is normal and part of our grieving process. I said something whilst she was in hospital that I was thinking about the other night…but then that was me. She was IMHO always the better person. I think her faith helped there, another reason why I am learning about her faith. So that I can understand who she was more and try and be a better person like she was :pray:t3:

You are welcome re the sad support. I am too…from the moment I wake to the moment I fall asleep. I think it’s something that the ‘normal’ people don’t understand…our intense grief and sadness, the sense of loss is also unbearable. If you ever want to chat just let me know :pray:t3:

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I know how you feel, the quiet home I have lost interest in lots of things since I lost my dear wife and to me it will not be the same ever a big hole that can’t be filled and the questions like what if

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I feel The same constantly sick and anxious . I lost my mum and two weeks later my partner . I’m trying to get through each day but the grief is so painful . Thankyou for sharing your thoughts x

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Yes it is an horrendous experience. I have said elsewhere that I would not wish this on my worst enemy.

What if and why? There are apparently 5 stages we must go through and one is anger. I know only too well how angry I am that she was chosen. I ask God why? I have turned more to religion especially Buddhism and I still ask why?

I am also looking into the vaccines. It’s the only connection. I will never be able to prove it but I am massively suspicious.

I am sorry for your loss too. And yes life will never be the same again. I feel as though we have been given a life sentence of pain :pensive::broken_heart::pray:t3:

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OMG that’s awful to lose 2 so quickly :broken_heart::pensive::pray:t3:

The sick feeling in the stomach is horrible it’s all day long. I guess it’s caused by being anxious and stressed. I can’t understand why people seem to think we can switch off from this nightmare. Just watched England but still my mind was elsewhere. I don’t stop thinking about what has happened all day long.

It’s up to us to adapt and learn how to cope with our grief. Unfortunately I don’t think there is a manual. Some how we have to work it out for ourselves and find what works for us. For me it doesn’t stop the pain but I am determined to research as much as possible about why I lost her even if I never find the answers. I also think trying to help others in our situation is a must…especially as no one seems to understand unless they are also going through this.

We must all help and support each other as best as we can. If you want to chat anytime just message me I came here because no one else seems to understand what we are going through :pensive::broken_heart::pray:t3:

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I know it’s going to be a long horrible journey . An existence that we will all have to get through . X

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So true…I see it that way too as a long horrible journey…like boarding the bereavement train to nowhere :pensive::pray:t3:

Hopefully we will all survive, take care on your journey :pray:t3:

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It’s good to know we have others to talk to on here. It’s comforting that people understand the hurt and pain of losing people we love . I’m here to listen too x

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I can relate to everything that has been discussed:
Emptiness
Despair
Shock
Nauseous feeling sick not wanting to go out
Memories
Why did it happen to us
Insomnia

My husband dues suddenly 3 months ago and the only thing keeping me going is our daughter and the fact that he would have wanted us to go on

It’s so difficult and no one really understands unless they’ve experienced it.

I find keeping busy and engaging with friends really helps

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Thank you :pray:t3:

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Hi Ferne…welcome here.

I joined here because people seriously just don’t understand and I was feeling pressure from people who meant well but didn’t really understand how intense it is. Everything you described and more.

Apparently these are the 5 stages of grief:

Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance.

Already experienced a few, according to Google some quote 7 stages now. What ever it’s an extremely difficult and hard road we now travel.

However I get through this I’ve made my promises. I will pray every day for her and never forget her.

I don’t know if you believe in spiritual things but I chat to her every night through the candles next to her ashes. I truly believe her spirit is there and we are communicating. Sounds mad I know but what I witness is not possible without her making it happen. It certainly gives me a lot of comfort the only comfort I have found so far apart from here.

I hope you will find support and comfort too.

If you need any help just message.

Tony :pray:t3:

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Thanks .
It’s so difficult but I have found keeping busy contacting friends helps .
It’s like a nightmare but we have to carry on .

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Hi Tony
Sorry for yr lost . I lost my husband 3 july to cancer and hospital awful .
I am not religious but I have joined a spritual church and fill its were I belong ng.
A medium at the church had mick and my mum come thrgh said they were both good out of pain . Although I still cry a lot do fill slightly career. Hope things start to was to eas eventually

Lynne

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i feel everything thats being discussed. it is a life sentence of sadness for us. mornings are the worst for me . wake up and the nightmare begins. once im showered though then i eat and write a little list for the day …it gets you out …and its a start…even the smallest task can still seem too much though so take your time. life feels pointless but theres always gonna be someone who is worse off…its hard…terribly hard but the strength to carry on does appear even though you think it wont. hugs thoughts to uou all xx

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Hi Helen
Yea you are right it is so difficult .
I have found joining gym helps get me out even if not feeling up to it.
You do feel bit better and ready to face the day.
Keeping busy helps and of course good friends interacting etc.
Take care

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Hi Lynne,

Thanks for your message and support. Sorry for your loss too :pray:t3::dove:

I think it’s good to be spiritual at least. I too had bad experience with the hospital in fact I blame them for a lot of what happened :face_with_symbols_over_mouth:

I hope you find strength on your journey :pray:t3: