Lost

I’ve recently lost my husband to Covid. I’m not sure if I gave it to him m. Picking it up in my place of work. But I did take him to hospital fir check up the week before. So who knows but I feel guilty. Anyway. We not even been married 2 years yet. He was my ultimate soulmate. I’m lost broken scared to be alone. I know I have my two dogs which is a comfort. But I can’t stop crying.

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@Chrissie963, I’m sorry you’re here. The thing about COVID is, because it is airborne, there is no way of ever knowing how anyone got it. We all have to breathe, and COVID is all around us in this cold winter air. It’s also in air conditioned air, which is in every office and hospital these days.

I got COVID19 directly from China, when I was in Dublin in November 2019. I visited the Book of Kells at University College Dublin with a large group of Chinese students, who were as fascinated as I was. My husband was with me then, and he loved it too.

That was when nobody apart from a few doctors in Wuhan had any idea what was going on. I got home, got a very bad chest infection, treated with 2 lots of antibiotics, then I had a massive stomach upset, and was glued to the loo for 5 days, and then I slept for a month.

Then, 6 weeks later, we put 2 and 2 together, and realised that I was amongst the first in the UK to get that terrible virus. Thankfully, I got a mild form, in relative terms. I am pretty sure that nobody died because of me, I live in the country in a barn that is miles from the nearest village, my husband, who luckily hadn’t breathed the same air as I had was able to do everything for me.

The irony is, that I am here, whilst he died of a brain stem glioma on September 15th last year.

There is only one truth in life, and that is that the death rate is 100%. You are born, you live, and then you die. Sometimes it happens quickly and suddenly. We are in a global pandemic that has cost millions of lives world-wide.

I’m so very sorry that your husband was one of them, but I do not think you should blame yourself. If you love someone, you live with them in the same home, and breathe the same air. That is a fact.

All the feelings that you have are natural. Grief is very cruel, mental and physical torture. It ebbs and flows. It is a storm at first, and you are alone in your leaking and freezing boat.

I hope that your dogs help you. I know that my dogs helped me.

Cry all you want, because tears are balm for the soul. You need that now. I know your instincts are to care for others, but now you must take care of yourself as your first priority, along with your dogs, of course.

With love,

Christie xxx

My partner also died of covid, that he contracted from me. The guilt is something else isn’t it?

We are only on 3 weeks, haven’t even had the funeral yet. If I’m honest I haven’t even processed that he died yet - I’m still trying to cope with the trauma of the ventilator.

People are lovely here. I hope you find some solace.

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Lost82
Hi yes it’s very hard we we’re not even married 2 years yet but had been together 4 years we had just moved to our dream bungalow only 10 months ago. I go to bed crying I wake up crying in the night. I don’t know where I am I am lost he was my sole mate. I hope you be ok xx

We were the same… we had another 18 months of working full time and saving like crazy until we could buy our forever home - we were buying a farm to rescue and rehabilitate dogs.

Steve did this plan when he was in hospital. I found it when I collected his possessions. Pretty much broke my heart.

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dear lost82
It’s hard to look at his plans, your plans for the future but shows he was looking forward to his life with you and your future together.
I found my husbands ‘projects’ on the whiteboard in our garage last week and it broke my heart. We had so many things to look forward to, he was about to finally pack his job in - it was just too much stress for him - and we were starting to plan what to do next. It will be 12 weeks this Wed and I am getting worse, mentally tortured and physically feeling so sick. My niece has booked me a counselling session on Thurs, unless this Cllr brings back my man to me I just don’t see the point. We should have had the big dramatic over the top Easter Egg hunt for the wee one today with him making everyone laugh so much. How he was missed today, the dynamics are just all wrong now. I felt no joy & disturbingly felt no guilt at just sitting there, detached from everyone around me.

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The detachment is bizarre isn’t it? I feel like im watching my life from the sidelines - I speak when I’m spoken to, I do the washing up, I feed the kids and the animals but I’m not really here. I’m just a shell.

I think I died in the hospital with him if I’m honest. I don’t know myself. I don’t want to do anything. I used to be an avid reader and dog trainer - now I sit or stand in a robotic fashion. Just waiting for bedtime so I can take my zopiclone and it all goes away for a blessed few hours.

This isn’t living. I’m not even sure it’s existing. I keep thinking Steve would be livid with me. He wouldn’t want this abs then I think how he would be if it was me that went and I know he would be the same.

There is no future anymore. Not one that I want any part of anyway. It’s all just things to do before it’s my time.

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My Steve has been gone 5 months today. I too do not know who I am, where I’m going and what I will do for my future x

Its such a big loss for all of us and so difficult to navigate, one day I have a hint of positive, moving forward, I accept, I tell myself I can’t go on like this and then, I feel tired, broken, I ache, I sleep …I wake and my tummy just sinks and then, I have to fight my way through the day again.

All we can do is keep moving …

With love x

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Dear Lost82
Your words are so true. I should be looking at my family and feeling so much love for them but I feel nothing, nothing at all and it frightens me. Our family were so important to both of us, we agreed it was ‘our job’ to be there for them no matter what, to love them and care and look out for them. I feel empty, unable to love. I used to say I loved the baby so much I could inhale her, now I just feel flat & incapable of feeling anything. My man would be telling me to pull myself together & get on with ‘my job’ but I just don’t know how to do that.

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It’s the little things.

The getting into bed and putting my cold feet on him to warm them up and hearing him squeak.
The sound of his heartbeat when we cuddled.
The morning cup of coffee that he always made.

His parents and the children (all older) are in bits but I keep wanting to scream at them YOU DONT UNDERSTAND. Yes your sad. Yes your grieving but your world hasn’t changed. Your life hasn’t completely imploded beyond any imaginable view. They have partners, they have people.
I have no one.

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in fairness to them, it’s only when it happens to you that you realise how your world is just ripped apart. I have friends who lost their partners too young and I did genuinely feel for them, thought about them, put myself in their place and worried about them. Then it’s your turn and boy do you quickly understand what real pain is, wanting to curl up and die, shut the world out. I lost my Mum & Dad and thought I knew what heartbreak was, until now.

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I lost my mum when I was early 20’s. I genuinely thought it was the worst thing that could ever happen.

How stupid was I :see_no_evil:

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I feel so guilty I always post how I feel which is far from positive, or looking forward or about good days or any joy. I know this forum is meant to support & help others, I should try and find positive things to say to be less selfish and help others. but I can’t even help myself… how can I help anyone in this state. This is hell, now I understand this is living in hell.

It’s weird but I don’t want to hear positives. Anyone who is ‘further on’ who says it gets better just gets dismissed.

I prefer knowing that there are others in complete misery.

Gosh that sounds terrible written down.

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might sound terrible, but you made me laugh out loud. First time for a while…

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We can be miserable together. Never trying to cheer each other up or utter the truly demented expression of ‘keep your chin up’

Who creates these expressions? Certainly no one whose been in this hell.

Dear Lost82 and Maigret

Approaching 7 months and my hell is the same as the day I was told my husband had died. I too hate the many expressions that people come out with - I prefer that people say nothing rather than what they think they should say.

I spoke this week with someone I have known since school who lost his wife and he was left to bring up his young children - and he was honest in what he told me which was that even after 15 years he still just takes one day at a time. That’s about what I can manage - just.

Sheila

:grinning:
Not wanting to be “dismissed” after seven months I’m finding it is still difficult

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People just don’t understand. They are so lucky.

I think the fact that it was covid related just makes it so much harder. It’s always on the news or it’s all anyone talks about.
But they don’t talk about Stephen, or the hundreds of thousands like him that were ripped away from their families. They talk about statistics or numbers.

There was an article a few days ago that said ‘only 10 deaths’ like that was a good thing? I was disgusted.

@Lost82 people can not understand the trauma you go when you lose your partner until they actually go through it themselves. It’s impossible to form the words to describe how bad it really is

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