Does any one else keep saying if all I had done this or that. But if I had said this. I have these thoughts all the time if only I had said don’t go into hospital , if only I had rung him up that night before op and said I love you, if only I had insisted on visiting him I couldn’t because of covid, if only I had insisted to keep his machine on . Lots of thoughts 
these with haunt me till I die (hopefully soon).
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Hi yes I have thoughts every day .if hubby didn’t have cancer treatment would he still be here with me . I should of stayed at hospital with him . Could I have done more for him. could I have loved him more. What did I do so bad that we have both been punished . He so wanted to live . I so want him here with me now . I am just waiting for the day we are together again so I can tell him how sorry I am if I didn’t do everything right .xtake carex
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I think every single person on this site wishes, if only!!! I think it’s just a natural default mode that our brain engages at such times. I’ve beat myself up countless times thinking if only I’d done this or that. I definitely don’t think you are on your own. Unfortunately. 
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My friend, I feel the same way. I should have fought for more treatment for T. I should have refused to go along with the charade at the hospice and called it out for what it actually is. I should have demanded more evidence from the medical team that claimed nothing further could be done. I went along with it, with them, because I trusted them and because we had been through so much treatment and none of it had worked. I wish I had done more - but you and me, my friend, we were living in the moment. Dealing with the restrictions of Covid. Dealing with the terrifying reality of serious illness - that it cannot be stopped, no matter how hard we try. Dealing with medical people who are leading the way. I was exhausted in those final months - but yes, I regret not fighting harder. I am not sure what I would have achieved then - but at least more self-respect now. It may be hard to face, but it is important to remember that we were living in an extreme, volatile, frightening and unpredictable environment. What we know is that we know we loved them, and they loved us. And if that is all that is on offer, that is quite something. To love and be loved. And that love goes on and on forever - no one can take that from us. Hold tight to that love, it will see us through x
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Oh yes!
The ifs and buts.
I wish I had risked being called a nagging wife (again) with its accompanying black looks, how I wish I had insisted he saw a doctor. IF I had he would be here with me now BUT he was stubborn. IF he loved me as much as he said he did would he had gone to the doctor, wouldn’t he?
These are just a few of my IFs and BUTs, and like many here we could go on but maybe we need to forgive ourselves for the IFs and BUTs and love ourselves for doing the best we could at the time. 
Regret is so painful.
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It’s like reading everything I’m thinking Daisyrose! Does it ever ease??? I’m 16weeks into this madness called grief.
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I wish it did @Jens.
I’m five years into this journey and although I am making progress, not sure what kind or how.
The IFs and BUTs do seem to make an appearance sometimes like a Bony finger pointing and accusing.
It’s those times when I try very hard to accept my sad situation, do something nice for myself and remind myself that I have been truly loved.
I truly hope that you are able to love yourself and learn to live this life we have now.
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Hi all
Just came on here and you all say the same I regret that he went into hospital if only he did not go to hospital but if he did not would he still of had a cardiac arrest then I would have blamed myself for not calling them I will never know but regret it
We are wish that we had done things different and because of covid could not spend time with them. It’s so hard for us all in lots same ways will we ever be able to smile and the nightmare of there last weeks fade a little and the wonderful times we had together shine and make us smile a feel lucky that we had found true love think it will take a very long time thinking of you all xx
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Oh gosh if ever I wake up in the middle of the night it’s the same thoughts that pop into my head. What if …. Feel like I’m never going to feel any different and that’s scary. Logically I feel I will learn to deal with it but at 4am the the black dog visits I say it every time but this site really does save my sanity as you’re all saying the same things I’m feeling
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It happens to me all the time, the guilt sits with me. My hubby died suddenly 15 months ago without warning, He was in the dining room while I was in the living room, so I didn’t know for 10 minutes or so that something had happened. I have tortured myself with why didn’t I go in the room earlier, why didn’t I talk to him for longer when he came to chat to me (he had come in to show me something on his phone about 20 minutes earlier) to I must have been a terrible wife and person not to be that interested in what he was showing me, it breaks my heart. When I am low my head goes there and I have to try and remember all the good times x
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But how are we to know that if we had done that one thing that we are blaming ourselves for and feeling guilty about could have changed our lives so drastically?
It’s so hard not to blame ourselves with the IFs and BUTs.
Can we make a promise to each other here that at least we will try not to do that?
I’m so sorry viv that was horrible for you hope you be kind to your self in time people tell
Me I could not of changed any thing with my husband dying does not help we have to get through it I guess take care
It was the cancer treatment that killed my husband. If we had not agreed to it we could have had months rather than days. The risks were explained but neither of us really took them in as everything happened so quickly. I am really trying not to torture myself about the decisions made. None of us could know what would have happened if. I know what you mean about hopefully soon. I prayed constantly to die but our son reminded me that Gary told me to live. I am trying and hope you can find something to go on for.
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Thank you. I know you are right, and I know it could have happened anytime, we found that out from the autopsy. It’s the same for all of us we just wish we could go back in time even just for a few minutes.
Yes we do, its a life I never thought I would experience that’s for sure. All of my friends have partners so most of those friends disappeared within a few months, most don’t know what to say, so don’t mention anything at all. We seem to get hit with grief from all sides don’t we?
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I never would have believed it could be this hard. I’ve known people who’ve been widowed and always assumed you get through it fairly quickly. How wrong I was - it’s a life sentence x
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Yes, I certainly wish I could go back in time even if it was only for a minute just to tell him one more time that I love him with every fibre of my being. If only
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It’s been a year for me on Wednesday and every day I go through every second of those hours after his cardiac arrest. Me trying to revive him, the paramedics taking over and also failing to revive
him. What if I’d cared for him better when he was feeling poorly those last two weeks ? Insisted when I took him to A&E that they kept him in rather than fob us off with tablets he couldn’t keep down. What if, what if, what if ??? I’m tired of driving myself mad and punishing myself when I know deep down none of this was my fault !! I miss him every second of every single day and I would swop places in a heartbeat. Instead I have to plod on for my children and grandchildren and make the most of what life I have left.
How I’ve got through the last year I’ll never know and without the help of my fabulous family and friends I would have crumbled.
Great BIG hugs to all.
Georgina
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Oh Georgina reading your message could have been me writing the only difference my husband was not at home when he had his cardiac arrest
I understand how you feel about still being here it’s been 11 months for me as you say how have we got this far plodding along as you say children and grandchildren help but it’s not the same alone at home is it I don’t think they understand how hard it is do they I miss him every hour every day our hearts will never mend will it
Sending you hugs too and all on here that are missing them xx
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Thanks Rose 
Tough isn’t it ? My family and friends have been brilliant and although I’m not lonely I feel alone which is different. I keep myself busy volunteering and swimming but I still have hours at home when we would have watched an afternoon film together or gone for a walk into town. I have never lived alone not since we married when I was just 22 so it’s hard for me being on my own. Everyone marvels at the way I’ve coped but deep down I’m bruised and battered but we have to carry on don’t we ? One year ago today was Easter Monday when the kids and grandkids came over to see him. We were altogether before he died 1 am the following morning.
Tomorrow will be no sadder than every other day I have pushed through over the last year. I’ll be ok I’m seeing my son and his family so we’ll be together.
Much love
Georgina
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