Oh goddess that sounds horrific. You must be so traumatised
Dear Shazzy
I cannot imagine how you must be feeling. I won’t even try to put forward any excuses for his kids behaviour and after 17 years it is of course right that you should be part of the funeral.
Will be thinking of you.
Sheila
Dear Shazzy, what a dreadful story, and what a very sad way to die. You are not being helped by the attitude of his relatives who are cruel beyond belief.
Rest assured, the 17 years you were together will have been really important to your partner, and they certainly count for something. Just remember, he loved you, and they can’t take that away from you, or your importance in his life.
Are you a church go-er? If so, you could perhaps ask the vicar to hold a short ceremony in your home, or the church, just for you to say your goodbyes and for him to be blessed.
The relatives attitude, while upsetting, takes nothing away from the bond that tied you to your partner. Hugs, Ann
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@Shazzy. Maybe, if you know who they are, you could contact funeral directors direct, explain situation, and see if they will confirm funeral details for you. Unfortunately it is difficult when you are not next of kin. All the years you have spent with your partner seem to be irrelevant to some of their family members, and it is extremely difficult and heartbreaking if they decide to withhold information from you, and take over the funeral.
That’s exactly what I’ve said - I don’t want money without him. I’d exchange everything I have to have him here.
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Thank you all for your kind words… It has been traumatic and fortunately his brother has been amazing and is truly ashamed of the boys… I have been told the funeral was 8th April but then told its the 15th…Stephen has confirmed its the 15th…the place where my partner was found in the river is a country park with lots of trees and wildlife really beautiful… I have picked a tree in the park on the riverside and layed flowers there… I like to go for a walk and sit by the tree… They didn’t tell me that the inquest had been opened and adjourned until September I had to read about it in the local newspaper… Mark was at work when he went into the river I just don’t understand what happened… Police have ruled out suicide, its either tragic accident or foul play and I will have to wait for those answers
Dear Shazzy
So sorry, that is awful that they are not keeping you informed and to have to read about the inquest in the local newspaper is shameful of them. The inquest into my husband’s death has not been opened. I am building up to ringing the coroner tomorrow. I do know that all documents from the inquest become public information after the inquest concludes.
Thinking of you.
Dear Sheila26
I too would live in a hovel rather than be living without my husband. Our wills were made out, no children, all straightforward. Or so I thought, 12 weeks tomorrow and only one insurance has paid out. I refuse to hand over almost £1400 to a lawyer to get my husbands savings. I have found a guy who will guide me through the probate process for £195, he has already sent me a guide far superior to any available from the authorities who demand this form to be completed, yet they offer no help other than 'get a lawyer ’
He also will do a checking service before I submit - the authorities will deny the application if there are any errors but will not tell you what is wrong or how to fix it. It is a cash cow for authorities preying on the grieving . He has also given me several template letters to use for banks, courts HRMC etc. He is also campaigning to get the laws changed, the system sucks. I am probably going to be well enough off to consider retiring, but it all means less than nothing to me.
Another day in bed all day, no reason to get up.
Dear Maigret
Yes I spend most of the day in bed if I have not been assigned child-minding duties. I have a solicitor and your right it costs a fortune. We did not make a Will so I am having to go through probate. Before my husband died I considered myself a fairly organised individual but that has all gone out the window, but also I was/continue having to deal with the Police and Coroners so just thought probate was one less hassle to contend with.
Some of the pension companies are being pains - holding out for probate just to pay out £175. I am glad the guy who is helping you is also campaigning for the laws to be changed - they all conspire to make our lives so much harder when we are dealing with the greatest challenge of our life.
Take care.
Sheila xxx
Dear Sheila26
I too have child minding duties each Friday. Fridays were just so full of love fun & laughter. My man would come home from work & have to search the house to find us, our wee neice loved that game so much & the sweets he had in his pocket for his wee precious. Our hearts just burst with love for this wee one who doesn’t even use his name now. How cruel. Also cruel that I seem incapable of loving anyone now, I just feel so empty & don’t want anyone. Flat,empty, cold, tired,unfeeling. I haven’t cried today, I have no energy or emotion left I think . I
@Maigret, my 15 year old son refuses to say his name. It hurts so much doesn’t it.
They are grieving in their own way and your husband will live on in the personality of your niece which he helped to develop xx
Dear Maigret
Know exactly what you mean. This is our first grandchild. He had a tough battle when born and my husband - his granda - was at his bedside every day all day and then when he came out of hospital he did the same until the lockdown came in. Mum then had some issues so we were allowed to give support so back to being there everyday all day for my husband. My husband just adored our ‘little man’ and now he is gone. Life is just so unbearable - sorry don’t want to whinge - but that is the truth. I loved my husband with all my heart and finding every day impossible without him.
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Isn’t it so sad the little ones will grow up without the love influence wisdom & fun & laughter that our soulmates would have given so freely and unconditionally. And we would have watched them together with such bursting love. All ripped apart cruelly. I do not believe in life after death or god & wonder if this is the price I am paying now for such beliefs, is this my punishment. Science, physics tell me it is not possible to be anything after you are gone, yet I want him to show me something, anything to tell me he is still here apart from just in thoughts, pain & memory.
Dear Maigret
My husband always wanted to be a granda and when he got his wish he was delighted. Distraught at the short time he had with our grandson.
Me and husband believe in God and I still have to believe otherwise I will never be reconciled with my husband again. I never got to say goodbye and I did not see him after he died - I just could not do the ID. I put our son through that and I cannot forgive myself but at the time felt I did not have the choice to do it through alternative route. I did subsequently tell the police this as I hope they reflect on my comments and spare others going through the ordeal - but who knows.
Like you I look for signs everyday that he is still by my side in spirit but have to be honest, I do not see any.
I have to live in hope as that is all I now have left.
Take care
Sheila
Dear Sheila26
I would never try to take away anyones faith or belief and it must be a comfort that you know you will be together again one day. I wish I could be with my husband now, I see no future for me other than automatic pilot, just going through motions of life but with no interest or capacity to love or feel anything other than this intense loss & misery. I read posts from those who are grieving far beyond my 12 weeks. Years later so many stories tell of this pain just not leaving their hearts. I cannot face years of this, it is merely an existence, not living. Just breathing in & out, that’s all.
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Dear Maigret
Thank you. I too have read the posts from those much further down the line and it does fill me with such pain and the thought of years without him is too much at times. I think that is why people say to just take one day at a time and not look too far ahead. I don’t have the answers, I wish I did.
My belief that I will see him again is all that I have to hold onto.
Take care
Sheila
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I am sure it must have been such an ordeal for your son to have to id his dad, but in that he would have been thankful to have spared you the ordeal. I do hope the authorities listen to the voices of the bereaved & do change how this is done.
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We weren’t allowed to identify Mark it had to be done by medical records… I went back to work properly yesterday and the day went fast, it was nice to see people and I was kept busy… When I got home it was awful I just felt so lonely and sad… I had no one to talk about my day with, even though we didn’t live together we spent a lot of time on the phone, and sometimes he’d be at my house when I got home… I’m just getting ready now to go to work again because at work my life is normal and I can forget Marks not here… People have told me I’m strong, but really I’m not… I’m a bloody wreck behind closed doors… I wouldn’t say I’m religious but I have been to the Chapel at work ( I work in a prison) I have access to councelling service and psychology services and have so much support in place which is quite overwhelming really… Its just at home there’s me… And you ladies, really I’m so so sorry for your loss and heartache but thank you for sharing your thoughts and kindness it does make a difference xx
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When I went back to work I was distracted most of the time. But what made it difficult was that we worked together as well. But I come home snd the loneliness hits me and I feel so empty and sad. It’s going to be five months and I can say that not one day goes by when I haven’t cried because my heart breaks over and over again. It’s so hard , hope it gets easier for you xx
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