Hi
My Graham passed two weeks ago and I cannot sleep or fill the days enough. We had a list of jobs to do for this year and I have started doing them. My husband god love him was a hoarder and so far just clearing the garden and loft has taken 4 loads taken by a man in a van and 5 boxes of potential car boot stuff. But I feel guilty getting rid of stuff even though he had already agreed this, it feels like I am wiping him out of my life. Not sure how else to fill the lonely hours though. Did anyone else feel like this? Am I just overthinking it?
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@Debzz
After 4 weeks of my partner passing I had to clear things out. When I went upstairs it was the smell of him. The bedroom bed covers curtains his clothes the stuff he’d collected. I couldn’t settle. I hated going upstairs let alone to bed. It wasn’t that I was getting rid of him it’s just that I couldn’t deal with all that if he wasn’t here physically in person. I miss him desperately. But now I have to hold him in head and heart. I know he’ll always be with me. Xx
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Thank you Tenpin I don’t want to eliminate him but its so hard isn’t it. I sleep rolled up in blankets on my side of the bed as I cannot bear to use our duvet and don’t want to wash the sheets as then he will be gone.
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I cleaned out the house, garage and shed w/ in 4 or so months. In part, a way to distract myself, but stuff needed to be cleaned out, too. Wondered if I was going too fast, but looking back, it was the right thing to do for myself. I kept some of my husband’s clothes and personal items in the dresser, but I couldn’t/can’t look at them every day, too triggering.
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@Nancy123
I find the same thing Nancy. My partner for some reason I understand why now put 3 pictures of us up in nice frames in the living room. Yet I care look at any other pictures of him even the ones on my phone!
I realise now that wherever I sit in the house I can see a picture of. He knew what he was doing bless him.
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@Debzz
I know what you mean. But he won’t be gone. He’s never gonna leave you. He’s all around you and in your head and heart. He’s still with you love. Just in a different way. Xx
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There’s no right or wrong way, I’ve only just after 5 years been able to empty my Derek’s wardrobe & get things to charity, certain things I’ve still got as they’re too personal but I’ve boxed them up & they’re stored. I found having them brought comfort but I have to say there’s a lot of guilt attached when you start clearing them away. Sending love & strength 
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My husband has been gone two years 4 months. I can’t being myself to deal with it. I just took a few trousers to a swop session
And some bits. I took the thickest over coat to age uk.
I wanted to take the shirts I least like to a swop shop but I realize I have to wash them then the old familiar smell will be lost.
Silly I want the space. But I get triggered. I used to wear what I could myself but am tired of that now.
He wasted lotsvof money on bedtctriusers
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I started packing stuff when I was still “numb.” I only realized it in hindsight, but I made good decisions I think. The numbness helped me operate in those early months. Stuff I will never part with though. His watches (he liked fancy watches), his night shirts, sweaters, jacket, raincoat. Can’t part w/ those. He made birdhouses, decorative ones, so nice. I kept 5 (the nicest ones) and gave away rest to Hab. for Humanity. I cried all the way home. Even when I dust the dresser, I open up the drawers to dust tops of them and get a sinking feeling, just painful.
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Debzz I have felt the same about wiping her from my life. I have cleared stuff out but boxed most of it up and put it in the garage until I’m in a better frame of mind.
I will do it gradually. Always remember these things at the moment might mean a lot but they are just objects and I will only ultimately keep the necessary ones. Your loved one will always be in your heart and as long as you’ve got photos he will always be there.
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@Numb1
I agree. I thought maybe I was doing things too fast but I couldn’t settle or sleep. So I’ve kept some things and along with photos I’ve put them in a big memory box. He’s always in my head and heart but when I’m stronger I’ll be able to sit and look at it all. X
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I felt guilty too getting rid of my husband’s stuff {he was Graham too}. Only 7 weeks now but sometimes feels like an eternity. i cant even remember the last words i said to him as i didn’t know he wouldn’t come back home. I am doing the clearing out in stages. First stage is the old stuff we would have agreed was done if we were doing it together and the newish stuff he never really wore. Ive kept the clothes he wore regularly and that appear in pictures of him. I find these comforting for now.
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Debzz, the purge is real. The first purge was the funeral flowers which filled my space. So many gorgeous arrangements. They were all over my living area until they died too and I had to remove them from my home. First, bit-by-bit, then a re- arrangements then a final purge.
Yes, there is definitely maniacal purging for many of us. For me, it is my way of getting control of this new life. Letting go of excess and unused items means I have less to even think about and reorganizing the things that remain is satisfying. I like knowing what is here and where it is.
Today is 23 weeks for me and I am still purging and have even gone into some of the dreaded areas. I have given away giant SUV loads of “stuff” to a thrift store and unloaded a great deal of things onto family members.
Lean into it. I have not regretted getting rid of anything yet. Kinda painful for a minute, then it fades away the next pile of purge starts.
Keep going. The final room for me will be my husbands closet. But, everything there must also go. Someone can wear these clothes and shoes and keeping them out of sentiment just doesn’t sit right with me.
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I’d love to give her stuff to a local charity shop. But I’m so scared of seeing people wearing them. I know most of it is stuff sold generally but if I don’t give them away I’ll know if I see them they’ll not be her’s.
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@Numb1
It’ll take time. If you feel like this just do it when you’re ready. Odd couple of things here and there. Could be weeks months who knows. Just went you feel it’s right. C
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Thank you. all of you. Its nice to hear that we all do it at different paces. I can’t touch our room, it still smells of him and I can’t face it. But it is feeling good to clear our mutual clutter and things he did not care about. It just keeps me too busy to think. I was taken to A & E on Monday only came out of hospital this morning and it felt crushing to know he would not come rushing to hospital to see me. I felt so alone. I have an ulcer apparently which they tell me the emotional stress I am in has probably made worse. I didn’t even know I had one.
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@Debzz
I’m sorry to hear that. Yes grief affects us in all different ways unfortunately. You must try and take better care of yourself.
As for the cleaning out I had to get rid of everything in the bedroom. I couldn’t settle and felt physically sick when going in there. Like you said his scent and smell. Plus he also passed away in there. Just decorated it and a new bed is on its way. Hopefully I’ll feel better. He’d want me to. Xx
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That’s been it for me, too. Purging is trying to gain control in an uncontrollable life situation. I never liked clutter though, so it’s just my personality, too.
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Give them to a charity shop in completely different town that’s what i shall eventually do with my wifes belongings
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Bill2
I might just do that
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