It’s coming up a year in two weeks since I lost my boyfriend to suicide. I can feel my emotions and mental health dip, I have got the help I need professionally but I can’t help think is it a feeling of guilt. I am not ready for a relationship or even ready to think about one. I’ve had this amazing male friend in my life before my partners suicide, but I felt this overwhelming guilt when he bought me flowers for my birthday. He knows my situation and has been very supportive. He has not pushed boundaries either. Why do I feel like I’m deceiving my passed partner and is there such a thing as the right time to move on?
I’m so sorry for your sad and tragic loss. You shouldn’t feel like you’re deceiving your boyfriend. You may even feel like it’s a betrayal of your boyfriend to smile at a new man. You have to release these feelings and recognise that you are single. Your boyfriend would want you to enjoy the remainder of your life
The object of dating is not to replace your loved one. You may long for someone just like him, but having such a desire will only lead to disappointment. Think about what qualities you would like to find in a new partner. Consider some things you would like to do such as travelling and look for a partner who shares your same passion. It’s common to feel a sense of guilt for wanting to move on with your life and meet someone new.
But please don’t feel guilty, we all deserve some happiness.
Yes I am struggling with this too. I haven’t dated for 30 years and it is all very new out there. I don’t want to stay alone for ever and my first effort at a new relationship was a disaster as he already had someone else all along. Luckily I didn’t take it too far with him. I want to meet people as friends first and then see what happens. Take things slowly. I am only 53 hubby was 29 years older than me so I knew I would end up alone but that doesn’t help how I feel.
I lost my wife 6 and half weeks ago and we were always a very touchy couple. And loved doing absolutely nothing together. Just being childish together and winding each other up with silly comments (although she was the heavyweight champ of winding me up)! We were each others world and found we didn’t need to go out and socialize much. We were more happy to spend every moment in each others company and every second was a privilege to be in her company. And now that is gone.
My mother and father in law are telling me I need to get out and make some new friends, but on one hand, I feel like I’m cheating on her and on the other, I miss the nights just watching mind numbing TV cuddled up to a woman who sees me in the way I want to be.
It’s so hard when you have been used to being one half of a couple for so long. I always loved being part of a couple, it was never restrictive. I never have been alone nor did I ever want to be alone. I enjoyed doing things because I did them with him. I just feel that life has lost all of it’s meaning now he is not here to share it with.
Yes we enjoyed the same things. Now as the half of a whole I find it hard to know what I could enjoy without him.
It is so very difficult. Why is it acceptable if you divorce to get a new partner, but not when your partner dies? For me although I loved my husband absolutely and totally, I knew I did not want to be alone for the rest of my life. No one will ever match up to my darling and after almost 12 years, I still miss him…but I have remarried. My poor mum who has just died, always missed my late love. He was the son she never had. I hope they are together now.
I met my second husband through my sister and it has been hard. We have had lots. Of problems and health issues, but we seem to hang on in there. We married almost 3 years after my first husband’s death, but there is no right and wrong time.
I no longer feel guilty, but did at first.
So sorry you have lost the love of your life. My wonderful husband passed away suddenly nearly 8 months ago and I am still struggling to accept it. We had only been together 3.5years and married 1.5 years but we were made for each other. We loved each other’s company. He made me feel loved and amazing every day . Our new life together was just beginning. He told me that he was lucky and privileged to be with me. I felt the same and always thought it was too good to be true. We met late but knew it was what we both had been looking for.
Life is so unfair. I miss him more than words can say and the future seems unthinkable. I find this site such a comfort and altough I don’t post very often, I read other’s posts daily.
You are still so early in your journey so stay strong and take all the support you are offered from family and friends.
Hey Chris I see you posted that 22days ago how are you managing?
Me and my wife were the same it’s so funny winding each other up we loved it and just doing stuff at home together we didn’t want to socialise much either… And like you my mother in law keep suggesting I get out meet people etc so I sympathise with you…
You stay strong and you have my deepest condolences for the loss… Take care
It’s so strange that I don’t have my ‘partner in crime’ to have a laugh with anymore. I’m trying to get on with things as best as I can and during the day, I can just about cope as I have my work that I’m starting to get back into. It’s the evenings that are the most lonely.
I religiously go to her grave every morning and spend a bit of time chatting with her (although the conversation tends to be just one way strangely, lol. It’s like I can now get a word in, lol).
I think about her constantly, but there are times when the thoughts will get too upsetting and I have a bit of a wobble. It’s amazing how quickly I assume the room gets smokey, as the tears start flowing!
I have been feeling extremely low recently but today, at the moment, I am in the frame of mind that today is the fight back! She wouldn’t want me to be too distraught all the time, so I am now trying to embrace her strength.
She was a very formidable lady who was so strong. She intimidated me when she was alive, so I am careful not to get on her wrong side now she is immortal with immortal powers! Hahaha
I hope you are doing well and managing to stay strong.
Hi Laney, and first of all, let me offer my sincere condolences with your loss. I hope you are managing to survive and get through each day.
I feel exactly the same (and after reading people’s messages on here, it seems many people are experiencing the same).
I have found that each day is just a struggle to get through and the cycle repeats at the start of each day. Each day seems to be a non stop journey of feeling I am lost at sea, riding the many waves of emotion. The memories are all I have to cling to for support as wave after wave hits me again and again. But right at this very moment (literally), I am trying to get on top of these waves and start swimming again.
She was always the stronger of the two of us and I am trying to harness her strength and live each day in the best way I can in honour of her.
That’s all we can do eh do our best to get on with things, it’s good you have work to distract you but like you said it’s the evenings when you’re alone that is the hardest…
She must be a great listener to let you do all the talking, specially being a woman and letting you get the last word in lol.
You know yourself it’s not going to be unicorns and rainbows, each day is different from the one before one day you may find a smile the next your stuck in a room full of smokers and your eyes tear up…
But you hang in there and hopefully you have more smiles then tears… And yes best be on your best behaviour against women with immortal powers lol
Don’t forget although you’re trying to be strong it’s not a weakness to come here when your wobbling, we’re all on this messed up journey together… And although one person on there own can be strong… A massive group of people make a army…
All the best
You hit the nail on the head when you say that there will still be tears, but as you rightfully said, if I can have one more smile than a tear, then it will be a good day.
I have been struggling this week…it’s such an emotional rollercoaster. I had a nice day out with a friend yesterday for our upcoming birthdays but I just couldn’t shake off the sadness that I should have been out with my husband. Coming home is so hard. Today am going out with family but I just can’t feel happy about it. I will put on a face of course.
Going to work helps me get through the weekdays but I hate the weekends. We lived for spending time together at the weekend and reality just hits me on waking up.
I know am not the only one feeling like this and it is comforting to know people on here understand.
I think you are all so strong in living through this nightmare.
Are we strong though?
Yes we’re all going through the worst part of our lives… Some see friends and family… And put on a fake face… Some are back at work trying to absorb the distraction that the one person who made us feel alive is dead… The one person you could talk to about anything… Was there for you when you’d had a crappy day… That gave you that loving embrace… That told you how special you are and how much they love you… Now nothing seems to matter… How many of us would if given a button to press that ended our lives…would press it without a second thought…
Yes some of us have kids, parents, siblings and of course the last thing we would want to do is hurt them… So what we’re just surviving for others… I don’t know your have to excuse me… I dont feel strong… And just exsisting on this planet seems pointless.
The problem is this isn’t a nightmare…as it’s over when you awake… What we’re going though is with us until we pass on… An endless nightmare of pain torment and emotions… And on that note I shall shut up… I hope you guys manage to find that strength and not let what’s happened to you consume you… Being stuck in darkness sucks!
Hey Lost reading that really does ring true, people talk about how they feel but don’t really go to that dark place, you’ve described how i feel as if i wrote it ii can feel your pain and anger coming from your words my thoughts are with you through this unthinkable time and thankyou lost reading that really makes me feel it isn’t just me sending hugs
I hear every word you are saying and yes!! If there was that button I would press it. 100%. I see my life as you described, pointless but doing my best for others…… my siblings…… my parents who are in their nineties …… my dog. None of it is ideal
Hey Dee, I know it really is cruel feeling the way we do… You look in a mirror and it’s as if you have become a stranger in your own body… The lack of motivation… Life itself just seems bland…
I think though this community does help… I think if after a while of chatting to a variety of people, different ages different stories… Eventually you connect to a person… Which I have I call them my grief buddy… You motivate each other, find ways just to make them smile and it is nice being able to chat about your grief about the love you had… That one person who is as interested as yourself at helping the other…
I guess all each and everyone of us can do is fight to survive and just maybe somewhere down the line our whole outlook of life becomes just that little bit less grey.
Here’s to us for making it as far as we have so far, we should all be proud of ourselves and each other…
Maybe I need a grief buddy…… it’s all a bit c**p at the moment.
Still tomorrow is another day
Hugs to everyone
Crap ain’t the word… Life is simply groundhog day… Wake up… Click zombie mode and go about your day with zero enthusiasm or motivation go bed just to repeat this pointless existence again tomorrow.
Hopefully Dee you can find someway out of groundhog day if you do let me know how