Melt down

Today I had to select some items of my partner’s clothing for the undertaker, I had already collected the death certificate, notified the local paper with details of the funeral and spoken to a celebrant. Managed to keep going through it all.
I opened the chest of drawers but just seeing all his jerseys suddenly set me off sobbing until I thought there was no end in sight.
Finally trousers had to be ironed, all the while through tears I thought this will be the last time I ever do this for him.
Later the undertaker saw my eyes were filling with tears, however much I fought against it, rushed me into an empty room and very gently explained how I had put up a barrier before in our previous meeting and suddenly those barriers were crumbling. To cry when I wanted to cry and not to try and contain it.
Believe she is right, let the tears flow, eventually the tap will turn off, may not be for a very long time but I will move forward. Perhaps the should be my mantra. I will move forward slowly but surely!
I am so sorry but just writing this is getting it out of my system, I feel so weak.

This is a tough tough time that has to be got through. You will get through it and you will survive. We do what we have to do. It is the last earthly thing we can do and we do it with all our love.
Here is sending you strength and love. X

Really sad to read about your day yesterday. At times like this, we need all of our strength and courage, just to deal with now and our feelings this minute, this hour. Not to let our thoughts drift back to the past too much nor move to our future and imagine how we are going to cope or live forward. Please don’t feel that you are weak. You cannot stop tears from falling; they are your release of love & emotions that have built up. I hope you have good support around you, to help you through the coming days. Thinking of you, kind respects, xx

To 12 remember
I am so sorry for your loss. It was only two months ago that I was doing and acting exactly the same as you. It was like a dream I was working on auto pilot. Trying not to cry all the time and yes, even at the funeral directors who like yours was so very kind. I suppose they’re used to it.
I’m afraid I can’t say that each day get easier, I haven’t reached that time yet. What I do is talk to him everyday. Tell him what i’ve been doing and who I’ve been talking to. I keep him very much a part of my life. I tell him how much I love and miss him. I keep being told that it does get easier and I long for that day when I can remember all the things we did together with happiness instead of reducing me to sobs. I find crying helps me. Just remember your not alone, no consolation I know at the moment. Take care

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12remember, there is nothing at all weak about crying. And I was reading in a book on grief and loss just recently that crying is actually chemically designed to help us feel a bit better. Your heart is broken, and it was just naturally expressing its woundedness at the sight of jerseys your sweetheart will never wear again. I don’t agree that it gets easier every day… we just get better at living with it over time. And you are already moving forward, even if it doesn’t feel like it.Take care of yourself xxoo

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Thank you all for your sympathy and understanding.
This is one hard journey to be on but I will move forward, however slowly, and I will put on a mask to face others even though it feels as though my world ended on that night.
Thank you all for being there.

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You don’t need to “put on a mask” you are grieving and people need to see and understand .The pain is terrible …you feel like you will not be able to stand it …it’s a black hole of fear. It’s also normal …you need to cry, scream, rage…I speak as one who knows , like everyone on here.There are no rules…it is your pain, your sadness…you have to accept it…it will be with you a very long time .You will learn to live around it. …all the " moving on" claptrap that well meaning people come out with is not their fault. Unless you have really loved you cannot understand the agony of loss. Saying that though…you will learn to live with it…it’s amazing how tough we can be .It’s only 3 months since I lost someone and I wanted to die with him .I talk to him in my head every day …I still cry every day but not all day now…I know I will never " get over " this…it’s not possible.I will love him always, but like everyone who grieves…I hope to live my life as best I can and accept there will always be an empty place in my heart…love never dies… take care of yourself and allow yourself the release of tears whenever you need to xx

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Thank you all again for your invaluable support. I find I go to sleep in tears and wake in tears.
Each moment of the day is a reminder, our cottage which he totally renovated from top to bottom, making doors and adding special touches should be an embrace of love but instead i feel it’s too painful to live in without him.
I was told it was good to see that I am coping!
Felt like screaming I am not coping .
The fact that I am not weeping and wailing in a public place does not mean that I am coping it means I am going through the motions of each day in a fog.
When my wonderful mother died I was grief stricken but that was nothing in comparison to this but I shall move forward!
Slowly, small steps, but always forwards.

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How sad that your lovely home is now such a painful reminder of your dear husband, hopefully time will change that feeling and surround you with love.
My husband loved listening to music and had around 12000 tracks on the computer which he played throughout the day.
Our house is quiet now because listening to any of it is it reduces me to tears as if the music is playing I expect and he should be sitting in his chair reading the paper. There are so many songs that remind me of different points in our 52:years together. I know others would cherish and enjoy those memories but at the moment it’s too painful for me.
Maybe tomorrow will bring a small step forward to a better place xx

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12remember, of course you’re not “coping” whatever that means. Your husband has only just left you. You would be inhuman if you could “cope” with this as if it didn’t matter. None of us are really coping and many of us never really will. As the months go by, you will probably not cry so much but never ever feel you are being weak when you are just being normal and crying out of love and the enormity of your loss. I hope you get some sleep. I know what it is like to go to sleep crying and wake up crying. Take care of yourself xx

Thank you Menessie I guess sometimes people don’t think before they speak or have not experienced such a loss. I sincerely hope they never will.

I do hope that one day you might be able to listen to music that meant so much to you both but understand that some things are too painful to bear.
Love to you.

Hi
Regarding music. My husband was a country and western singer for thirty years. On sorting through his things I found CD’s of him singing which I never knew he had. He sang two of his songs at his own funeral and it was quite beautiful to hear his voice so strong and I could imagine him up there on a stage looking handsome and well. Everyone at the funeral said it was quite beautiful to hear him. However when I play his tracks at home it reduces me to a wreck and I just sob my heart out. It’s so unfair. I made the mistake of playing them on Christmas morning. Now I wait for the day I can listen to him without breaking down and even sing along with him again.

Oh Pattidot how wonderful yet incredibly sad it must have been to hear your husband singing at his funeral. Music can hold such bittersweet memories. I truly hope it won’t be too long before you can listen and treasure those memories without being overwhelmed by sadness.That’s also what I’m hoping for myself.
Xx

We all have so much to get through. I feel as if I am doing one step forward and three back but each time I move on just a tiny bit I feel I am helping myself. Had a reasonable day yesterday but today it was shit and I spent the morning crying as I worked on my allotment. I find crying a healing response to my misery though. I do think that if I ever get through this, nothing will ever faze me again. Nothing in this world could be harder.

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Today I went out walking my son’s dogs on a deserted beach, I was fine and then the sun shone through the overcast sky suddenly making the water sparkle.
It was so beautiful and I just wept for the fact my partner would never see the sight again and I wouldn’t see the pleasure on his face as he laughed at the dogs antics.
So pleased there was noone around to see and hear me.

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I think as human beings we are remarkable. We can endure so much…we can survive such pain and loss.It must be a built-in defence mechanism to save us losing our minds.How would the world go on at all if the intensity of the pain didnt ease? Thats what I hang on to…the belief that ultimately it wont be as dark as it is now . There will never be a day I don’t miss him…but I hope the feelings of fear and dread will pass eventually …the love lives on…

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I too hang onto the hope that this fear and loss will become less intense. Memories will become wonderful and not make me sad. I try to accept that this is my grief and the price of having had a great love in my life and I have to endure it… My husband is with me more than ever and will remain so for ever, I promised him this but he wouldn’t wish me to suffer as I am right now for ever and would be surprised that I am such a wreck without him…

Please don’t put on a mask. Your feelings are valid and if anyone has an issue with you having them, it’s their problem,not yours. I wore a mask for many years and on more than one occasion it almost cost me my life.

It’s the sheer panic I feel at times …like a child…a suffocating terror of the future…and yes…Its normal…and yes I’m sure eventually it will diminish a little.The old saying " better to have loved and lost … " is a bitter pill to swallow…but true x

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