Hi there Mel,
I am new to this site so forgive me if this is a bit rambling. I do hope you have managed to have some sleep and a much better day? I can sympathise with everything you are going through.
My little old mum passed away in the early hours of the 6th of November. Her birthday was on Christmas day, she would have been 89.
I have been her carer for a number of years. She had a number of strokes, vascular dementia and was bed bound since she also had COPD, she was susceptible to innumerable chest infections and pneumonia. The last two Christmases I had to get the GP out to her and was in a state of anxiety and worry. I was rather snappy with her and unsympathetic, both of us would end up in tears. (Something I am so ashamed of, not the tears, but my rudeness).
Presently I am rather numb with all what has gone on, tearful one minute and abnormally calm the next. She is the only real companion I have ever known…I never really left home (as a 52 year old man that is really pathetic, eh?). so my reason for existence has gone. I have to look for a job (at my time of life and being out of work for a while, easier said than done). I also I have to look for somewhere to live. We live in an over 55 flat, I am there as her carer. So now I have the worry of being dumped in a bed sit or the ‘scropey villas’ multiple occupation hell holes that are aplenty around here, with hot and cold running mildew running down the wall and an unofficial unqualified dispensing chemist consulting nearby dispensing his little pills in a very shifty manner…definitely not talking about Boots the Chemist here. that is the quality of my future home…I am dreading it!
Yesterday I was in Cardiff, where they have a Christmas fare, stalls, a Ferris wheel and all that jazz. It shook me up no end since it reminds me of the big day looming. I was so preoccupied that I went into a store and bought a shirt for myself, then spotting something my mother would like in her size I took it to the counter to pay…then it hit me hard, like a punch in the stomach…she wasn’t hear anymore and I am on my own…I had to fight the tears back hard and had this terrible lump in my throat ever since…I don’t know how I got home without crying or making a scene. I can relate to what your saying…I see my mother everywhere.
Do you have any family or friends to stay with or visit over the festive season?
I have an elder brother, who has his own family, and an elder sister who make Hitler look cuddly. and no real friends worth speaking of. so for me it is going to be baked beans on toast and avoiding Christmas carols (she loved to sing them) and all the festive progs she liked. I have a collection of Jazz CD and DVDs that will be on from the second I get up until I go to bed. It is the build up as well that unnerves me since this will the first time I am completely alone and especially on Christmas (her birthday).
There has been a load of hurdles to get over and it is the silly things that get to me. They took all the equipment, hoist, shower chair and hospital bed and so forth away today and that was another reminder that she is gone. Sobbed for an hour over that. Her funeral is on Friday morning (I cannot attend that under any circumstances…that will destroy whatever sanity I have.
I am trying to sleep, but often failing. I get odd surreal nightmares…then I wake up and it all hits me so hard again: she is not here!!! start sobbing all over again. Sorry for hijacking your message but it caught.
Take good care of yourself!
Dave Thomas from Neath, South Wales.