Hi , I haven’t posted here before.
My husband passed away the 17/06/20 . He suffered a massive cardiac arrest in front of me and I tried to resuscitate him to no avail . I relive that moment every single day and wake up crying and go to sleep crying. I have tried to access counselling but have been told there is a waiting list . I miss him so very very much , I never knew that grief could actually make you feel physical pain. My heart aches . One minute I am sort of ok, then I can just feel myself spiralling . I wander around the house talking to him about everything. I just feel so lost, numb, angry and overwhelmed!
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Hi MrsT
So sorry to hear the pain and tremendous loss that you are experiencing.
We lost my dad last summer in a similar way.
At 2+ months, it is unfortunately still very shocking.
I do have some advice and hope that it helps. I understand that you reached out because there is no relief from how you feel. We also do not have a way to fill the hole that is now there, but we can be there to listen.
My family - we were just trying to breathe and make it moment to moment and then day to day. What helped me through the early times were other people. From close friends to admired acquaintances - many people who have been through it were overt in reaching out to me on their own and sharing their experiences.
Give yourself permission to do what is best for you. If you have anyone that is depending on you, see if you can get some help so that you have time to give yourself headspace to just be.
Warmly,
Ell
Hi. Mrs. T1. Welcome to SR and I am sure you won’t regret coming on here. This is the place where there are no judgements or criticism. Everyone has been where you are now and knows only too well the awful pain. Like all of us you will grieve in your own way and own time. There is no time scale or any method. Sorry, no magic wands. June is so little time for you, although it may seem like eternity. Crying is OK. Never ‘bottle up’ emotions.
This what I call ‘the YO YO’ effect happens. Up one day, down the next. Even from hour to hour. I doubt very much anyone who has not suffered in this way can even begin to understand. ‘Lost, numbed, angry and overwhelmed’. Oh yes, we all know that feeling well. It all seems so unfair and unnecessary. In time it will, very slowly, ease so you can begin to mourn less and remember better times. But take it easy and try and be kind to yourself because it’s what he would have wanted.
Go on talking to him. He listens.
Come back whenever you feel the need. John.
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Lost my partner in May to covid he was on a ventilator for 3 weeks I wasn’t allowed to see him for the 4 weeks he was in hospital before he passed away the last time I spoke to him he was scared and I have relived that conversation everyday since some days I cope other days I don’t to make things worse I’m a health worker in a hospital setting and it reminds me everyday
Hi @MrsT1, I am so sorry about the loss of your husband and the traumatic manner in which it happened. Hopefully people in a similar circumstance to you will read your message and reply.
And it is so sad to read about your husband too, @AJSAT50. Like you, @RCB lost someone to Covid and had to go back to work in that setting, maybe she will be able to help you.
Thank you , it means a lot , sorry to hear about your Dad x
Thank you , I just feel so alone in all this x
So sorry for your loss xx
Sorry for your loss to I have a good idea how you feel some days its just unbearable x
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Hi,
I lost my husband to a sudden cardiac death too he was 44. My children and I found him in garden, I feel all the that pain you are, I remember the day we found him so clearly the shock the sick feeling, I tried to get my husband back as well as my neighbour. But it was all to late.
As people have said let those tears emotions out I have learnt how to ride the waves as they can hit at anytime.
I talk to him often too, and he never leaves my mind.
X
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Dear Sacar, my heart goes out to you, it really does. My husband too died of a sudden cardiac arrest, whilst lying beside me in our bed. When you say he never leaves your mind, I can so relate to that. More than three years later and David still has never left my mind. I don’t ever want him to leave my mind and I don’t think he ever will.
I am so sorry you find yourself in this place. I hope you and your children are comfort for one another. Sending love and hugs to you all. xx
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Thank you for your message I’m sorry for your loss too.
That must of been such a such shock to for you.
I agree I never want Frazer to leave me mind It’s just hard to accept he isn’t here with us anymore.
My children are my strength they are the ones I get up for in the morning and keep going. The house isn’t the same without him here.
Take care xxx
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Dear Sacar & Kate,
My Dave, was talking to me then suddenly just dropped, he was my best friend , soul mate and the best father to my kids , I miss him so very much x every day I think could I have done more? I hate the fact I couldn’t help him it haunts me every hour of every day 
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So sorry for your losses
I 4 wks ago today was the last time my partner was at home and the last time we both spoke to each other his last words as the paramedics took him to the ambulance were “just let me die” broke my heart
The next time i saw him he was on a ventilator they could do no more he passed away 29th june 13 wks tomorow with me by his side i hate sundays i hate mondays x
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So sorry
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Don’t beat yourself up, u would of done your best for him and he knows that. Keep remembering the memories you created together more then they day that’s what I try and do. I knew when I found my husband, that he had already gone 
but I still kept trying. Everytime now I see someone laying on the floor it takes me right back to when I found him, everytime I see a ambulance I think of all the ones I had outside my house that day.
Keep strong sending big hugs
I get that, every time I hear ambulance sirens my heart misses a beat , I sit in the chair where he was and feel a overwhelmingly sense of grief. I even even still send him emails cos you never know they may have an Internet station in heaven ?? Feel like I’m truly losing the plot!
I know just how you feel my partner died infront of me and I tried to bring him back . I relive it all every second and its hell I see him where he died. All I can describe it is it’s a living hell . He only died at Christmas. I am on pills but I don’t know if they are helping . Sometimes I think what’s the point in carrying on . I still expect to see him walk in the door. I feel so lonely.
Dear @MrsT1, I was so saddened to read your story about the passing of your husband and the manner in which it happened. Such events can’t help but be forever imprinted on our minds and souls, although the intensity will hopefully ease with time.
My own experience wasn’t quite as traumatic as I found my wife already passed in bed, but I was also asked to try to resuscitate her until the emergency services arrived, even though I was convinced that she was already gone. The entire experience feels so surreal, as if you’re living through a nightmare. I tend to recall those events sometimes at night, when I’m trying to fall asleep but my mind is working overtime, and it sometimes reduces me to tears. I’ve come to the conclusion - largely from reading other posts on this site - that grief and guilt are natural reactions in such circumstances. But that unfortunately doesn’t make them any easier to deal with. A very good friend of ours reassured me a matter of days after my wife’s passing that I had done all I could to help her, and that I needed to take “baby steps”. But like you, those first few weeks were like a rollercoaster of emotions, and at times I felt as though I was barely hanging on. I too still talk to my wife, to her picture, and I have had more instances of bursting into tears over the last couple of weeks than in the previous 8 weeks. Others on the site can offer more sage advice than I am able to, but just know that your are not alone in how you are feeling.
Regarding counselling, I’m on the Cruse Bereavement waiting list, and I was told the waiting list was 12 to 16 weeks. But the Sue Ryder site also offers bereavement counselling, and perhaps you may be able to access counselling that way sooner than Cruse, might be worthwhile checking that out.
Please take good care of yourself, wishing you strength, comfort and peace.
Alston x
Thank you for taking the time to reply x.
I feel so very very lost at the moment , not only coming to terms with the loss of my beloved husband but also caring for my terminally ill mum and my Dad who has dementia. I feel like I am on a constant rollercoaster with way too many lows than highs .
I can honestly say that I have never felt so much pain, I hate going to bed as I just lay there and go through every single moment of that evening wondering if there was anything that I could of done differently 