Miss my husband so much

It is now 12 weeks since I lost my husband. We had been married for almost 51 years. I am in so much pain I don’t know how to cope, I’ve kept myself busy, then when I stop the pain and tears come back and lasts for days, i pull myself round again.
I have been out with friends, but he isn’t there, they go home together, I come home to emptiness and heartbreak all over again. I am finding it harder and harder to try to keep moving forward, like us all I love and miss him so very much. Does this ever get easier?


H. Chrissie. What you are feeling is how we all felt in the beginning of this awful experience of grief. Does it get better? All of us can only speak from personal experience. After 19 months for me yes, it has got better. There are still times when something happens that makes me feel sad and lonely. But I have come to accept that now as part of the ongoing process that is grief. We will never forget, no way!. But we can learn to live with the emotions and try and make a new ‘norm’ for ourselves.
Twelve weeks is so little time to even think about it getting better. You are in the stage where taking it one day at a time or even one hour at a time is necessary. You can keep busy and try and distract yourself, but eventually you come back to yourself and how you feel. It is so very hard to try and move forward at this time. Don’t try. Just let yourself go with it. Emotions will come and that’s fine. Allow emotions because it’s natures way of lowering stress, even though it might not appear so. We can only do our best in the circumstances, and you will too. It takes time to come to terms with what’s happened. Try not to be impatient with time. None of us here would attempt to minimise your pain, we all know and care. Be as kind to yourself as you can be.
Blessings. John.


Hi Jonathan123
Thank you for your very wise words. It is comforting to know that what i am feeling is “normal” and that eventually time will ease the pain a little. I just look forward to when I can think of him and the things we did and smile, instead of feeling overwhelming sadness coz he isn’t here and we won’t be able to do them again but at the same time to be grateful for the love and life we shared. Thank you and bless you.

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It’s been 6 months since Steve died I am sitting here shaking and crying I have no family to call on. The only reason I am still here is for my old dog. I have no motivation to do anything it all feels so pointless. When does it get any better

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Dear Mag,

I just want to let you know you have a friend in me, we are both suffering because we have lost the loves of our lives. Like you it’s my dogs that make me get up and start each day. Sending love and hugs. x

Hi I’m sorry but please don’t give up on your life I’ve been feeling its important we feel u r important and were grieving cause u love that person sooo much I still cry every day so we have t give time I think but not sure what t do with all this pain just stay strong x

Dear Chrissie thank you for responding I don’t know how to get through this day, it’s one of the worst, I can’t believe my best friend has gone forever, I really hope you are getting through. 43 years is along time to love someone, I can’t see any light at the end of the tunnel xx


Dear Mag,
It is so so hard the daily struggle to go on. I was married almost 51 years, and in Sept last year we were told he had terminal cancer, He fought it so hard. He was my love , my life and my very best friend. Let’s keep in touch and we can talk about our loves, don’t ever feel alone, we will help each other with this thing called grief. Be strong. Love and hugs. xx

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Hello Chrissie
I have been on this journey of grief the same length of time as Jonathan and can confirm that everything is as he says. The pain is horrible in those first months but you do learn to live with it as part of your life. Let those tears flow they act as a release valve for your intense feelings of grief.
Going out with friends may seem like a good idea but like you I found it made me feel worse and more obvious that my husband was no longer with me. It was no distraction. So I concentrated on becoming used to my own company and let the socialising wait until I felt ready. We had interests which I continues though. John is correct, don’t try, just let life return to you, you will know when you are ready.
I am so pleased you have your dogs, what a blessing they are. I have two dogs and I don’t know what I would have done without them. They make me go out for walkies and this has made me socialise with other dog walkers, With my dogs I go into the countryside for long walks and the healing power of nature has helped me. I have to think of them and not just myself and of course I have that overwhelming unconditional love.
One step forward and two steps back could well be what is happening to you but in time those tiny steps will keep moving you forward.
For me I found that when I accepted that my life was now different and this is my life from now on although my husband is and always will be with me, I began to have a different approach to my sadness.
Take care

Dear Pattidot,

Thank you so much for answering, Both yourself and Jonathan have given me hope that things will become easier with time and I am going to follow your advice and gradually and gently let my new life evolve. I know my husband is and always will be with me and I take some small comfort from that, but I have to put the social life we shared on hold for the present time and concentrate on my dogs and myself, if that doesn’t sound too selfish. Thank you for caring. Love and hugs x

Hope you don’t mind but I read both John’s and Pat’s words. I am learning from your experiences and Chrissie I’m also learning from you to and others I may have missed. I will take any advice on how to cope and learn from you guys. Thanks. Jay

Hi JayandAllison, of course I don’t mind, we must all try to help and support each other at this devastating time. We don’t want to be where we are, but we have no choice. Sending love and hugs. x

Hi Chrissie
I do hope that those of us that have been on this journey longer can give some hope to new members. I am not going to say the pain goes, will ever go or how long it takes but we learn to live with it and the floods of tears are not so intense or so often. We all have our own coping mechanisms but whatever method we adopt, finding some peace and accepting our new life has to come from within. It’s a challenge and the bad days keep attacking but ride the waves and above all let yourselves grieve.

Thank you Chrissie. I have been criticized for for saying how I feel. But I’m not 8 weeks in yet and my head is all over the place. I learn of people like you and the other genuine nonjudgmental people on here.
We are in a unwelcome and non understanding world

Thank you Pat you have certainly given me a little more hope for the future thank you again x

Hi there Jay
Of course we don’t mind that is what we are all here for to offer support and help if we can.
It’s hard to say if advice does help any of us to cope. We have to find our own way through this terrible and traumatic time. It’s a truly lonely road but don’t try to rush it. If your body tells you to grieve for Allison then do so. There’s no shame in letting go with emotions.
I bashed pillows and screamed into them (trying not to let neighbours hear me). I have stood on the nearby beach and shouted his name. Fortunately it was windy and no one was nearby to hear me. I have walked miles into the countryside and cried buckets and I have talked to the tree’s in woodland and told them how I feel. Don’t think I have lost my mind I was just coping in my way. The pain is like nothing we have ever felt before (and I hope never again) and it’s doesn’t want to be bottled up inside of us to fester and make us ill.
I like to be busy so it wasn’t hard for me to do at least one thing every day. I wrote down everything I did and still do but not in such detail now. It might seem a tiny thing but it is part of your road back to some form of normality.
I know I have said this before but please don’t try to rush yourself through the grieving process. It’s horrid I know but we need to go through it to be able to come out the other side. This was said to me and I agree. I was also told that time would heal but I have only found that time teaches us to find some sort of acceptance.


Jay you must always say how you feel, otherwise it builds inside like a pressure cooker until we explode. You are less weeks than myself on this terrible road and we must do all we can to support each other. Life for all of us is never going to be the same, but we must try to embrace our new World as best we can. Our loved ones should be with us, they aren’t but their love for us and our love for them is still here and always will ill be, and we must use that as our foundation to try to build our lives for the future and with each other’s help and support. Love and hugs. x


Sometimes I wonder if I have moved on at all and it nearly two years since Ron passed. I thought it might help if I list some of the changes.
1.My diary now lists some of the things I have done. At first I talked about nothing but the sheer agony of my grief.
2. I no longer cry when I hear our songs although it still tears me apart.
3. Gradually I could do maybe a day without thinking of Ron constantly.
4. The sheer pain in my heart has subsided a little and has become a dull ache.
5.Very slowly I have started to do a little decorating and other things.
6.I have been able to glance at a few photo’s without flooding with tears.
7.I can now sit in the house alone and return to my home without feeling stabs of raw grief.
8.I can talk about Ron and the things we did without breaking down.
9.I can watch TV again.
I still ha ve unbelievable moments of despair and my new life does not replace the wonderful years I had with my husband. The horrible flash backs I had of Rons last days have diminished slightly and I can maybe see a little light. I have good and bad days like everyone on here and maybe today is a good day. X


Hi. Angiejo1. I know many don’t like the phrase ‘moving on’ but you are doing just that. Nothing in grief is ever going to be easy. Flashbacks and memories can hit us hard, and so often when least expected. Bad days, good days. Oh yes! What I call the ‘YO YO effect’. There never seems to be a reason, but something from the unconscious pops up and throws us. Obviously, nothing can ever be the same, but a new ‘norm’ is possible as you have proved. I would say you have certainly moved on, and by what you say you will continue to do so. A very positive post if I may say so. Thanks and good wishes. John.


Hi there
I agree with Jonathan, very positive and helpful. I think we should all make these lists and take a look at them every few months and see what has changed. I shall be doing my list now. Mine very similar to yours though. So many thanks.
Take care