Hi Angie just to say it is so strange if that is the word to read your messages about loosing your Ron because I lost my lovely Ron after 50 years of wedded bliss. I miss him so much even after 4 years and of course it will always be the same. My Ron was a wonderful caring husband , father and grandfather. When it was or Golden wedding anniversary we took all our family on a wonderful cruise and as we were talking about looking good for our lovely husbands even on my 70th birthday which was while we was on the cruise he said to me and our family that he still loved me so much and I had really looked after myself even at that age so I will always make sure I keep that going for ever. We always said when one of us passes it still means we are married and will be until we meet again. Sending love and hugs to you all xx Carol xxxx
I know exactly how you feel. I lost my wonderful husband just over three weeks ago and I don’t know where to turn or what to do with myself. I sob regularly all day, can’t concentrate and don’t know what to do to get myself out of it. Although life isn’t worth living I do not want to die. Apart from anything else, I have family who love me and are very supportive. But nothing helps ease the pain. The only thing that helps me is to be thankful that we had 54 years of marriage and I had known him much longer than that. Some people have much kess time and I am thankful that our marriage was long and happy. He was cremated this morning and as the curtains closed I had a desperate urge to call out to him to come back to me. I have never felt so desperately unhappy.
That’s lovely Pat, Malcolm wasn’t very good at putting his thoughts and feelings into words, we had just discovered he had Aspergers late last year. But he just told me that I always looked nice, and made me feel like I did. Yes, we were very lucky to have had them in our lives and to have received that wonderful unconditional love.x
Ann, my heart just aches for you. There is nothing I can say to make you feel better, nothing will, but everyone on here will be here for you , offering support comfort and advice. I do know what you’re going through, we would have been married for49 years next week, together for 52, with big plans for our 50th. You will still be in shock. , it’s very recent, after 3 months I am now feeling a bit calmer and accepting, though I won’t lie , the terrible ache and pain in my heart is still just the same. We are lucky we have a family to live for and were lucky to have had long and happy marriages. But when you lose the love of your life it’s hard to feel lucky, just broken and lost. Sending love and I hope you’ll be able to get some sleep tonight, the funeral will have been harrowing. Night night , sleep tight x
Thank you so much for those comforting words bjane. I know that it will get better but at the moment I feel like I am the only person this has happened to. Stupid I know.
Thank you again. I know my husband wouldn’t want me to be sad but how can I not be? Bu t I will do my best to get over this and I will, with the help of my family and lovely people
Ike you. God bless.
There’s nothing stupid about feeling like that. Ann, I think most of us on here feel the same way, just lost and unprepared . Having had so many years of marriage we’ve had our fair share of life experience but we’ve never had to face anything like this and we know our husbands wouldn’t want us to be sad. But!!! How can we not be, we’re asking too much of ourselves really , our hearts are broken and one day hopefully they will begin to mend. Don’t try to be brave, it’s too soon, cry as much and as often as you need, it does get less over the weeks. I only shed a few tears yesterday , probably because I watched pretty woman and the happy ending was a reminder of all we had lost.Take care of yourself and keep posting. Sending lovex
Hi bjane, you are so right when you say we are lost and unprepared when we lose the love of our life. A long life together is interwoven so intensely and intricately that in our heads and hearts it can never end. I find the disconnect between not having my husbands physical presence with me but him being in my head all the time so confusing. He left home fit and well and never came home. It’s like a book with a few chapters missing and the fact our 37 years together ended so abruptly is an ongoing torture.
I am nowhere near finding peace and acceptance but reading the experiences of others is a comfort, particularly the everyday things we all now have to do without our other halves. Like you when I’m shopping, I still expect to meet up with my husband. He used to go and browse in Waterstones or HMV while I did other shopping and then he’d message to say he was in the coffee shop and should he order mine or wait. I am heartbroken that will never happen again. It was a simple part of life I took for granted at the time. I’d do anything to have back those seemingly mundane moments with him. Like the things he mended and sorted. It’s the same for all of us I know.
It does help knowing others feel the same. it’s sad but reassuring. Please keep posting.xx
So much here that I can identify with. My June was taken into hospital 6 weeks ago today, passed 5 days later. Having to make decisions just for me is so hard - even to what I’m eating and wearing - not that I care about any of that. I aslo used to go to Waterstone’s while she shopped and she’d call when done. Saw some friends yesterday and was looking for a reason to leave as soon as i met them. They mean well, but don’t know what to say. At least the didn’t pretend that she never existed. Hard coming back to an empty house, but I didn’t want to not be there if that makes any sense.
I think the suddenness of being parted adds to the disorientation Dave. I always decided food and John loved books and CDs. Lots of them!
Like you I find talking to friends, particularly couples, unsettling rather than reassuring as there is an unspoken unease. I don’t want to feel alone but I want to be on my own if that makes sense. without the one person we loved more than any other no one else will do.
We’re all trying to make sense of a world we never imagined or wanted. I hope you get some comfort reading others feel the same as you. I am so sorry you find yourself here.x
Dear Ann
Your grief is raw, you are in the early stages and please don’t even try to get yourself ‘out of it’ or find anything to ease your pain. You need to grieve and although it’s hard work it’s even harder trying to stop the grieving. Your life will come back to you when your ready. It will obviously be different but we do find ways to adapt.
xx
Hello Ann, hope you got some sleep last night and are managing to cope witn today. I found it was after the ordeal of the funeral was over that the finality of it all really hit me. You suddenly realise , this is it now, he’s gone and somehow you have to find a way to manage without him, a seemingly impossible mountain to climb. Nothing will ever have been so painful and sadly no one can offer you a cure. Just getting through each day is a huge achievement, keep reminding yourself of that and don’t push yourself too hard, and make sure to take care of yourself. Sending a big hugx
Jobar, I feel that disconnect too. Malcolm had a stroke on Saturday, got taken into hospital and died on the Thursday, never having regained consciousness. I never had chance to say goodbye and still sometimes expect to see him in his shed or the garden. He lived books and music too and was always patient waiting for me while I shopped. He would usually sit in a bench and read his I. I sometimes buy it just to feel close to him he always laughed at my Express! Like you said , how I wish I’d appreciated all those lovely little mundane moments when we were so happy together. So sad isn’t it, would love to turn the clock back, am sure everyone on here would wish for the same. But we must remember how lucky we were and somehow try to create some kind of life without them. wish someone could show me how.! Love to you and all on here,x
So sad, @Jobar. I once read “People say you don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone. Truth is, you knew what you had, you just never thought you’d lose it”, and that is so true. We all know that we die and aren’t here forever but we just don’t think about it daily, and it is when those moments are gone do we have time to just really miss them. I remember when my dad used to make coffee for me when I would visit home, I knew he will die and then there will be no coffee from him, and now when I go and see mum I just wish so much for that one cup of coffee from my dad, but alas, it will never happen again, just like your meeting with your husband won’t. I just hope in time you’re able to go shopping and the good times you spent with your husband overshadow the sadness of him not being here anymore.
It’s strange Abdullah how such a simple thing like a cup of coffee takes on such significance when someone has died. I miss so many aspects of life with my husband, too many to mention, but it’s the everyday things that are the most painful to now have to do alone.
I hope you can enjoy your coffee time with your mum and remember your dad who you clearly love and miss so much. Your sadness has given you an insight into grief which you could certainly never have imagined but which helps others. While always remembering your dad look after your mum and yourself.
Hi Chrissie1 I lost my beloved husband just over 4 years ago and on the 1/08/2020 we would have been married 50 years. Like you I was devastated on his passing and getting used to being alone . Over time with the support of my lovely family and friends I have found a way to carry on it is a very different way of life and still miss Allen every day. I look back on the wonderful memories we shared over the years and feel grateful for the time I had with Allen which a lot of people do not get. I found accepting invites out helped me although sometimes I didn’t feel like going but pushed myself to go . It is very early days for you and during the current lock down situation you have that to contend with as well. Take care and stay safe
Feeling low today, after a couple of good days, wonder why it hits so randomly. ? Read a lot of these posts and it really did lift my spirits, so many wise , caring words.Just makes you realise you’re not on your own, others understand and empathise, it makes all the difference. Also it’s reassuring to hear from some of you who are further along than my three months and to know that we can survive this. Thank you to you all today. it’s like a comfort blanket I wrap myself up in until it passes, which I know it will. Has anybody else found themselves looking at their lost persons horoscope without thinking? I’ve done it twice lately and got so tearful. Seems silly, should know by now but acceptance must somehow fluctuate from day to day, like the crying I suppose. Also, is anybody losing things? I never used to before but now keep putting things down and getting stressed because iI can’t find them. Hope I’m not losing it!! x
I’m sorry you’re having a bad day bjane. I did read that grief is kind and that’s why it comes at us in waves. If it came at us all at once it would break us. (or words to that effect) It makes sense. I hadn’t thought of grief being kind; just painful, agonising and everything bad. I hope your day brightens a little. xx
Anne, I know exactly what you mean . That desperate feeling of despair. Its excruciating and exhausting. In 32 year I had 2 nights away from my Angel Gary . I had to go into hospital . Other than that we were ( and in my opinion are) joined at the hip . Gary is my everything and I hate waking up without him . Every morning he would wake me with coffee . So organised tidy and unbelievably genuine . We are all in severe emotional pain and turmoil here but it’s good to know we can talk to each other. I’m very very down and feel bitter as to what happened to my Angel . Keep reading the different threads . Your not alone pet . I dont always comment because I’m so so depressed, at times I dont have the energy to even text . It’s a process I think we are all gona have to go through and except the ’ new normal’ . Xxxxxxx lesley
Hello Crazy Kate, thank you for being there. That makes a lot of sense about the pain, will try to see it like that. . This feels like the only place I can verbalise my true feelings although I have amazing family and friends. You can’t really tell them what you’re feeling because it would upset them so much and they are grieving too. Feeling hopeless and lonely comes in waves. like the pain, so the best thing to do is just sit it out and hope tomorrow will be better. That’s what I’m hoping to do! Sending love your way x And , Lesley. I so feel for you, we’re in this same useless leaking boat! So hard, pretty impossible really. so let’s just stay on here and get comfort from the wise and heartfelt words of those who know, and care.z Chin up xxx
Hi Chrissie
It’s been 9 months since my husband of 51 years passed away. It has been very difficult but your not alone . I try to get thru the days one day at a time it’s very hard. There’s days you don’t want to get out of bed but you need to just remember they loved you and you love them. I still cry everyday because I miss him very much. You will always have the great memories you made together
Mary Ann