Thanks Les. Will give it a try anyway.
Could not go back to my own shop. Too many memories. Ron used to ring me everyday and he was brilliant at organising. My volunteers were great friends and they all left when I did. I still have contact with lots of them
Hi there Bjane
Regarding your questions, I found a bit of both helped me. Going into town was a nightmare at first and I suffered just as you do. I also needed to get home and my main reason was to be with my two dogs who seemed to have become my furry therapists. I felt safe with them. Brian and I used to meet up in the square and it took me months not to expect him to be walking towards me when he saw me coming. I couldn’t even look in the direction of the pub or restaurant that we sometimes had a meal. Still can’t. But we was keen walkers and members of the Ramblers. I had my excuse to walk as I had the dogs and I promised Brian that he would be with me on all my walks. It was hard and I stayed close to home at first and still can’t go that far afield but I do enjoy being out with the dogs and in the surrounding countryside as nature is a great healer. We also had allotments and I doubted that I could continue without him but I had a go and I have coped except for opening his shed and seeing his tools hanging up. Can’t bring myself to move them. Working there has caused many tears but equally it has given me a focus and helped immensely. So I am pleased I made the effort.
I would say just do the things you feel you can cope with. I am a naturally awkward person and do push myself out of my comfort zone at times just to prove a point to myself. Perhaps we need a bit of determination at times. I would say don’t rush yourself, you will know when you are ready. I found life came to me and I move forward slowly.
Good Luck
Pat
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Hi Angiejo
I was so impressed with your list that I have been giving it some thought. I have been remembering the things that I couldn’t do and now can.
I can now focus on other subjects other than my grief. I can smile, wave and laugh with people when I was asked in the early days why I walked around with my head down.
I love to dance and do Yoga but couldn’t do any of this for months. Now I can happily dance and exercise without ending up in floods of tears on the floor. I have been going (when they re-open) to dance classes and returned to the gym although my first attempts were pretty dismal. I cried on the exercise mat and leaned on the handlebars of the bike to have a good cry. I also have learned to accept my own company (with my dogs).
I hope that the newly bereaved will gain some confidence that their life although changed will take on a sort of meaning once more. Tears will never be far away but determination will win the day.
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Regarding the list, Sorry I forgot to add. Although a keen gardener couldn’t stand being in mine but now I have learned to love it again and my shrubs are happily looking neat and tidy. I can sit on the patio once more also. I would say just give yourselves time and go with the flow. If it is meant to happen it will.
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Hi Pat, thank you for your reassuring answer, what you describe was just how I was feeling.And expecting to see Brian walking towards you, I was the same when I got my hair done on Monday. Malcolm was always there to pick me up and for a second i looked for him. then got upset again, remembering how he always said it looked nice. No one to look nice for , makes it hard to be bothered somehow. But thank you you’ve made me realise I’m quite awkward too and that helps! Take care, sending lovexx
Hi. bjane. I know what you mean. I wake up in the mornings and thoughts begin to go through my mind and a I think ’ I must tell Stella that’, then it hits me that I can’t do it any more. Not a very pleasant feeling is it?
Take care John.
Hello bjane. I know what you mean but I still try to look nice for David. When I put a dress on, I look in the mirror and say “You’ll like this one David.” I put lippy on everyday, always with David in mind. He was always very generous with compliments. I still live for him. I love that man. How I love him. 
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Yes Kate, and why not. ‘Letting ourselves go’ is not a good idea, and if we can still take care of ourselves and look good then I am sure our loved ones appreciate it. They would only have good thoughts about us. Anything that makes us feel better is fine.
Take care. John.
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I don’t think Tim would recognise me if he walked through the door now, 
I don’t see the point atm, maybe in time I’ll think differently, but joggers and hair pulled back for me x
Hello Kate and Jonathan I take my hat off to you Kate and wish I could be so motivated! Still feeling what’s the point, loved him so much and only ever wanted to look nice for him. A bit sad I know , maybe will get better further down the line. I think lockdowns made a huge difference too, no visitors no
A going anywhere, etc.,and the miserable weather! Have made an effort on the rare occasions I’ve been out with others but otherwise don’t see the point. I talk to him all the time but don’t subscribe to the idea of him looking down on me so maybe that’s it, I don’t know.And Jonathan, that thing about telling Stella something, awful isn’t it? It happens several times a day and also when you want to ask them something or remember something only they would know, how heartbreaking that realisation is. As well as all the other things, to be deprived of that intimate sharing of our lives with the one person who knew us best. Miserable post, sorry, must be the weather. Love to you both, have a good day x
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Hi bjane,
I do feel the same as you, I do admire others who can feel motivated. I think we’re all at different stages in our grief, still early days for us.
Just feel so sad that I haven’t got Tim to dress up for anymore, and I don’t feel him looking down on me aswell, that’s just me, we’re all different in how we think and feel, and maybe that’s why I feel like this, he’s gone.
You’re so lovely in all your posts supporting everyone, when you’re suffering yourself.
Sending a hug xx
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Hi. bjane. NO!!! It’s not a miserable post at all. I found it enlightening and to know someone else feels that way. It is the sharing I miss most. I have no one to really talk to about my inner feelings, except on here, and that is indeed a blessing. I live in a community and everyone is so kind, but there are only two who have been through this and know, and what they say comes from the heart. Take heart! After nearly 19 months it has got better but, like us all, I do have my sad moments. Living a new ‘norm’ now, but it’s nothing like the old one.
Blessings and take care. John.
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Hi Steph, true it’s early days for us, hopefully things might change a bit in time. Yes, he’s gone , that’s how I feel, I would love to know where he’s gone but I definitely now accept that he’s gone. We arrived at hospital a couple of hours after he’d died and my son and I both said it wasn’t him any more, just a body, Malcolm had floated away. Having no one to dress up for or choose between outfits when you’ve paraded them is such an upsetting thought, one of those little things we all took for granted. I just wish I could have our old life back and appreciate every minute, something we never think of at the time. I even found myself wanting to run after a couple holding hands and tell them to hold tight to each other and never let them go when I’d ventured out the other day! Sad! Your posts are always lovely too,think we just want to try and comfort a bit and alleviate the heartbreak on this site, so many of us going through such terrible times. Sending love and a big hug, still in pjs and it past one o’clock!! xxx
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That’s me most days too, motivation out the window. I just feel sad that life goes on, and we’re stuck, can’t plan anything anymore, missing everything we had. I do try and dig myself out of this black hole but what for, I have got three lovely grandkids, they keep me going, but at the end of the day, I’m still on my own , sorry sounding sorry for myself, just can’t see that light yet. x
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Hello Jonathan, think it probably was ,but thank you! You are another person on here who’s very supportive and writes lovely posts. I’ve realised after three months just about, that what we’re all living through is something that nobody can comprehend if they haven’t actually been through the loss of their partner and soulmate. There’s bereavement and grief but nothing like this. Friends family and neighbours are wonderful but they can’t really “get” it. “Give it time” “one day/step at a time” “”he wouldn’t want you to be sad” and so on and so on All kindly meant but so unhelpful, as are those who don’t mention them for fear of upsetting you. I want to talk about him all day!! Thank you for the cards, texts , emails, phone calls, food , not ungrateful but just want to talk about him. It’s cathartic and we can do it here, it appears I just have!! and everyone understands. A bit monotonous and probably pretty boring but it seems to help your brain find a bit of peace. Sending love and thanksx
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That’s a great post bjane and you’re spot on. Talking about our loved ones is cathartic and this is the one place we can do it. Talking about them does bring a certain peace. Keep talking my lovely. 
xx
Not feeling sorry for yourself at all Steph. just normal, we’re all the same. Thinking about what we had, where we went , what we did all conspire to makeus feel like the world’s moved on without us and it’s such a lonely feeling, especially at the beginning of each day as it yawns in front of us with nothing we need to do and nothing to look
forward to- ever! Or that’s how it feels now but from reading other posts it looks like there’s hope for us, one day. We’re in a similar position, we have three gorgeous grandchildren, keep saying “we” 49 years’worth of old habits die hard don’t they. But haven’t even had the pleasure of their company thanks to Covid and bungling Boris, maybe things will feel brighter when we get a safe effective vaccine sorted and we can at least spend normal and protracted time with our families. Would give anything for a proper hug! Sending you one now! x
Thank you Kate, another lovely person on this site! 
x
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Hi all
I have come to the conclusion that I was a very lucky person. Apart from when I was at work with the smart clothes, and hairstyle I was and still am, more than ever an outdoors person. If not in shorts and walking boots then it was waterproofs for our walking or I was all muddied up from gardening. However regardless how I looked, whether we was going out or I was in my casual mucky gear my Brian never failed to tell me how beautiful I was and what a lucky man he was. Makeup and a neat hairdo didn’t mean a thing to him. I scoffed at him of course. I certainly didn’t feel or look beautiful but he thought differently and he was always my handsome husband even if we was returning from a walk or the allotments and looked like a pair of drowned rats.
xxx
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Hi all. Was smiling as I read the posts of not having the motivation to dress up anymore. I am the complete opposite. I feel sick inside but even at Ron’s funeral I took ages to put my outfit on and my make up. I have always been like that no matter how sad I am. I just don’t want anyone to say I have let myself go and Ron was always so proud of me looking ni e. I feel I would be letting him down too. It’s not vanity or anything else just that I feel so much better when I have made an effort for the day. I used to buy new clothes and model them for Ron and I knew he just wanted to watch TV. Then six months later he would say’Thats a lovely dress.When did you buy it.? I knew he liked me looking nice but he wasn’t quick with compliments except on our wedding day when he said that I looked like a princess and my dress was stunning. That compliment lasted through the years and I still cry when I look at our wedding photos and remember how he made me feel like the most beautiful girl in the world.
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