I think you might surprise yourself at what you can do.
xx
Samella
Those words are beautiful. I to lost my husband 9 months ago and I can not get over it. I cry everyday because he’s not here. I am lonely especially during the pandemic. I wish you happiness.
Lots of love
MaryAnn
Lovely words Samella.Ellie’s right, we can surprise ourselves, you can do it! Was talking to a friend yesterday whose husband died six years ago. They were very close and did everything together but she said if he came back now he wouldn’t recognise her! She’s become a confident driver and can do all sorts of things that he always had to for her, become so much more confident too. Still missing him and hurting but coping pretty well. So maybe one day, if we can wait, we’ll get there too. Stay brave xxx
Yes very true still early days they say,suppose we are to impatient with dealing with this.
Take Care & Thankyou.
Makitagirl, this pandemic has just piled on the misery for those of us who are grieving for our loved ones. We just had three, socially distanced, at Malcolm’s funeral, and werev lucky to find a crematorium which would let us have the service inside. What hell it’s been for us all and then not being able to have family to share grief. Our elder son and daughters and families weren’t able to travel and we were all heartbroken. Now we have a partial lockdown in our part of West Yorkshire so that feeling of isolation again. We have to try and make the best of it , I know but it’s so hard. Love to all in this desperate situation xx
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So sorry for you mine was bad enough but just got it n the day of lockdown but a lot did not come was so scared,we had the wake and as we walked out of the Hotel the manageress said I bet you are the last,and got in the car and the news said lockdown.
BBut for the ons like yours of must have been horrible.
My heart goes out to you.
Xxx
Thank you Samella, think COVID has been a nightmare for everyone, so much sadness all over the world xxx
Hi everyone. I have been reading your post about what to do with the ashes of your loved ones and how differently you all feel(albeit in deep grief) "My Ron passed nearly 2yrs ago and The undertaker wanted me to collect the ashes the day after. I remember how I froze and said I couldn’t do it. I could not bear to see or feel the box that my husband was in. My daughter kept the box for several weeks but when she moved house she wanted me to take the ashes home and I just couldn’t. My Granddaughter, who is the child of my other daughter, was only sixteen at the time but shetook the ashes and hid them in her bedroom and only gave them back to me when I felt I could accept that Ron was gone. I thought what a wonderful thing it was to do for me. I now have the ashes safe in our bedroom but I still find it difficult to look at them although I want to keep them until I am ready to be buried with my darling husband. He was my whole world so I can never understand why I feel so afraid to look at them. I just wanted to say that we never know how grief will affect us as individuals and that we all deal with things differently. I am so glad I found this site so that I can talk to people who understand each other’s fears and pain.Wishing you all good and peaceful night. X
I am 15 wks in…i think that it is getting harder, not easier. I so feel for you…its very, very hard. The sense of who we were, part of two, is hard to process… .x
Hi Elvis Presley, me too. I’m 14 weeks and finding the same. I think by now the realisation has properly set in for us and we are now faced with the empty prospect of the rest of our lives without our soulmate. It makes us feel lonely and hopeless, with nothing to look forward to, no joy in anything , just an empty house and memories that make us cry. But on this site you will find such support when you are having bleak thoughts. There will always be someone who can empathise with you and others who have passed through your particular stage of grief and come through it. I have found it a lifesaver, being able to pour out my heart to people who completely understand has really saved me especially when having a bad day. So keep posting, hope it helps you too. Sending love x
Angiejo, strange how we all react differently isn’t it. I always found the idea of ashes a bit creepy , either that or a joke in sitcoms, ashes in the urn on the mantelpiece sort of thing. But once I got Malcolm’s it felt like I’d brought him home. I put him by the fire and then took him up to bed every night for a few weeks. I now have the casket on my side of the bed. the empty side now, and leave h there’s all the time. I say good morning and goodnight to him every day and kiss the top of the willow casket sometimes and talk to him. I know this will sound really weird, it does to me, but it gives me such comfort. I would never have believed it previously. Like you said everyone reacts differently, like whether or not we like their possessions and clothes around or want to remove everything. I can’t move Malcolm’s things , not even his toothbrush, perhaps I’m in denial, I don’t know, but I just don’t want to do it. Unlike my dad who removed every trace of my Mum within a week or so, he found it too upsetting to see it. Whatever gets us through. Sending my oddness and love! x
Bjane. I think is lovely that you cab keep your husband’s ashes by the side of the bed and that they give you such comfort. I suppose I am a bit like your dad. Everything. of Ron’s brought searing pain. I could see him in every shirt and remember where we were when he wore his holiday shirts. The worst thing though was seeing his bracelets. He loved wrist ties and bracelets and after he had had a bath he would put them back on and ask me to fasten them. I gave most of them to his best friend but kept his favourites. It still breaks my heart to look at them. I also kept his two favourite shirts and the wooly hat he always wore to go to his chemo. It is all bobbly now but I keep it in his bedside drawer with his glasses. I hated that hat but now I hold it and cry. I have had a lonely week this week. I think it is because the nights are getting shorter. I am dreading winter although there has been no summer. There is no end to this heartache is there? I hope you are ok today and thanks for sharing your story. I could never talk to my children or friends as I do on here.
Angiejo I was crying for both of us when I read your post. Like you, I’ve had a sad week, wonder if it’s been the full moon?! I think I can’t move anything because it feels like I’m removing Malcolm somehow. Stupid, I know , because like you it gives me excruciating pain thinking of him wearing his lovely shirts, etc, when he wore them, taking me out for dinner on holiday. It’s just so painful isn’t it, I have to go up into the loft at some point, but it’s full of his guitars and I just can’t face seeing them, will this pain ever end?Thank goodness for you and others in the same position to talk to, it’s such a relief to be able to offload negative sad thoughts you can’t share anywhere else. .The bracelets made me cry and his woolly hat,I’m wearing Malcolm’s watch and have one of his insulin pens still in the fridge. Sometimes I wonder if this is because I’m
not accepting that he’s really gone and feel like I’m waiting for him to walk through the front door and give me a hug, If only!! Look after yourself, keep posting and we’ll
all somehow get through this living hell. We’ll try and make Ron and Malcolm proud. Lots of love xxx
Bless you bjane. I have no words to comfort you, but I understand your grief and feel for you.
Ann
Hi Bjane
To let his clothes go is something that you will do when you are ready, don’t rush. I did feel the need to let his clothes go soon after his death. However I did keep some of his shirts, jumpers and jackets for myself and have been wearing one of his summer shirts today. (He was much taller than me but always slim).
Mentioning your husband guitars was also something I had to get my head around. Brian was a musician and his beloved guitars were shut away in the loft and I hadn’t a clue what to do with them. His favourite one which went on stage with him for thirty years I was tempted to keep but eventually did decided to sell them to an enthusiast. The guitars were once again brought back to pristine condition and I was kindly sent a photograph of my husbands favourite guitar. It went back on stage and I knew I had done the right thing in selling them, otherwise it would have been back to the loft.
Good luck
I’m so sorry for your loss, a week after my husband passed away I cleared out his clothes, he was never that interested in what he wore so I didn’t feel bad about it. But his bits and pieces is what I find difficult and not able to do anything with them right now. No hurry though. One day. Its been 2 months since he departed and like you and others on here he is always missed and on my mind, but I feel mentally peaceful because he is at rest. I still suffer good and bad days and will probably do so for many years. Take care xx
I too found the need to let my husband’s things go soon after he passed away. He too was not a clothes kind of a guy. He did cherish his R C airplanes which he loved to fly. I sold them to his flying
friends and they put his name on the planes in memory of him. I did keep some of his favorite possessions. Looking at his clothes made me sad as I don’t need material things to remember the love we had for each other. I love and miss him every minute of everyday and today is a bad day. I have those all the time. I wish all of you love and peace as I truly know how everyone is feeling
Love to all of you
xx
You are so right - we don’t need material things, do we? You are doing the right thing and I wish you all the very best for the future.
Love and hugs,
Ann
I too felt exactly the same as you and it’s good to know I wasn’t being heartless. I didn’t need possessions to remember him. I sold his bike to a lady across the road and it did bring a lump in my throat the first time I saw her on it but now I know I did the right thing, his scooter also sold locally. Not only did I have the guitars I have mentioned there was many other musical instruments in the loft I never even knew about and I sent them to auction. What was the point of letting them rot away in the loft. He had a collection of camera’s, all expensive ones. I never knew he had so many. All his painting equipment, some of which I donated to a local art class. They all had to go. However I have kept silly things. His mouthwash, toothbrush and toothpaste all still in the bathroom. His slipper by his chair. His tools untouched still hanging in his shed. I wear his watch and carry his wallet in my bag with a photo of him. It’s the silly little things that mean so much to me.
xxx
I do agree. I sold his car to a family in the next town. My neighbor wanted to purchase it but I couldn’t bear to see it everyday. I kept a jacket he wore all the time a sweat shirt his wallet. I use his coffee mug everyday.
I talk to him everyday and tell him I love and miss him always and forever. I have a grown son who is wonderful and he misses his father. I know he can’t understand how much I miss him. It’s just different because we did everything together.
Miss him so so much