I agree, it does get easier to function. I’ve had a very intense working day in the office today and got really into the zone and for a while I mostly forgot about other stuff. Of course, it’s only temporary and on my way home my mind was doing it’s usual wandering again with the odd horrible flashback thrown in for good measure.
It really is the yo-yo effect. I was told of a good analogy with grief and it’s a bit like there is a big black hole that to begin with you spend most of your time falling into but with time you start to fall into it less often. With a lot of time you learn to walk around it without falling it. Now, the big black horrible hole doesn’t ever go away and you will never completely avoid it so instead you live with it for the rest of your life and expect to still fall into it now and then. I hope that doesn’t sound too negative but it seems to be the way I feel sometimes, it’s really hard to put words to feelings and I fully expect that others may have a different point of view.
It’s now half 4 in the morning & like every day my mind is doin overtime 
I hardly sleep just too much on my mind! I need to get through Christmas without falling apart in front of my kids 
mum should be here with us id do anything to have that day with her 
We all would babe, my plan is on Christmas Day to do the best I can that’s all you can do, I’m going to cry, my dad is going to cry as he is coming over for Christmas, take some time for yourself if it gets to much and don’t stress over it xxx
Hi Jayne
I took sleeping tablets for about 10 days just to get my body back into a sleep pattern. They werent miracle workers but taken 3p minutes before bed they help you fall asleep and stay asleep for a good 5 hours. This helped me to function a bit better the following day.
Even now though I am often awake by 5 am but that’s because I sometimes go to bed at 9pm where I’m do tired with everything x
I’ve been offered medication but I don’t want to go dwn that route I know it’s guna take time I just feel like I’m stuck with a big hole in my heart & will always been a part of me that is missing now! My dad is struggling & it’s hard to see that too
Hi Jayne,
I understand the concern re medication but I was literally prescribed 10 tablets which was enough to get 10 days work of half decent sleep to get me back into a routine.
I had no intention of getting any more of them but I’m grateful for the 10 days worth.
Cheryl
Yeh maybe that might be an option think I need to go back to see my doctor & get some counselling really struggling to understand the whole situation! We go back to the hospital 6th January to find out exactly what happened with mum we didn’t know she had septic shock until her death certificate
Hi Jayne
Firstly so sorry for the loss of your Mum. I lost my Mum undexpectedly after a mess up at the hospital on the 18th November.
How we cope with Xmas I just don’t know, my memories of childhood Christmases just won’t stop playing through my mind.
I hope you have as good a day as possible.
Justine xx
Jayne,
I think that’s brave of you to do that. I have often wondered about going through mums medical notes with the hospital to try and get some answers. I know my mum was chatting about her holiday and grandchildren all through her operation and well into the recovery room
How did she suddenly have a brain hemorrhage, close her eyes and never wake again? I want to know but as my partner said, it’s not going to bring her back and will be very upsetting to delve into.
I have to be reassured with the post mortem results for my sanity. Her brain bleed was coincidental and spontaneous and in the coroners opinion would have happened if she was sitting at home that day.
I’m not sure I will ever truly believe that but the person who carried out the PM was independent and unconnected to the hospital. The other thing of course is that mum was not going to survive long without the operation.although healthy and happy to look at, mums blocked artery was a timebomb inside her.
I hope you get some answers Jayne
Hi Justine
Are you going to be given the opportunity to find out what happened during your mums operation and how it caused her stroke?
I’m think going to ask for Mum’s medical notes at some point. i just hope they don’t cause more questions than answers. I’ve got enough why why why as it is.
I was awake for a long time around 3 am. I was surprised it was so early. It seems to be a pattern where i lie awake thinking.
Hi Jayne,
So sorry to hear about your mum and at such a young age aswell! My mum died 9 months ago, she was still so young (54) and healthy so it was a massive shock.
As the others have said there are plenty of people on here that hear you and understand your pain. I don’t comment on here as much as I used too, i find it quite upsetting all lovely people suffering such a bad time so sometimes I avoid the site lol but I do comment when things are relevant to me. There will always be someone on here though no matter what time of the day, so do come and post when your feeling down.
There’s nothing to say to make you feel better, it really is a terrible life changing time for us all…as for it getting better in time…maybe…maybe we just deal with it better but I strongly believe the heartache is always there. It’s still early days for you, don’t try to be strong for your children - of course I’m not saving have a full mental breakdown in front of them but it’s ok to cry etc if you need to, kids need to know it’s ok if they are sad etc although I do think kids are the strength that pull us through, my boy is 10 and absolutely adored his nanny yet he hasn’t spoken about her since she’s been gone, I know he misses her but just like adults, kids deal with things in their own way.
Take care and big hugs xxxxxxx
It’s the not knowing that’s messing with my head! I know it’s guna be a tough day but I just need to know exactly what happened! She should never of made the operation givin her health but she did so why 3 days later did she die?!? Until I know I don’t think I can move on & grieve! My dad is pretty much the same says it won’t bring her back which it won’t but havin a better understanding will help I hope xx
Hi daffy,
Are you? I’m so scared they are going to cause me distress that I just dont need. Plus it wont change anything.
Your situation is slightly different in that you know there was at least some negligence on the hospitals part. The difficulty is whether that is recorded in her notes or not? I had a very difficult and traumatic birth with my daughter 13 years ago to the point that I thought I was going to die. My ordeal lasted for hours but when I read my medical notes they dont adequately describe what happened at all. And that’s what I’m frightened of if I pursue getting mums x
Hi
No, I don’t believe so - the death certificate simply states the cause of death was a stroke.
Nothing is going to bring her back so I’m unsure as to whether I could face looking into her medical notes at this point.
How are you doing today ? xx
I agree justine.
I’m having an ok day thanks. I’m at work so distracted enough. Mum is constantly on my mind but I manage to avoid tears whilst here.
Last weekend I was inconsolable through. The extreme range of emotions can be difficult to accept x
C1961, perhaps it would be a stupid idea. It could end up being more emotional baggage to carry around. It’s a difficult decision, but apparently Medical notes can be requested up two years later.
How’s your day so far? Mine is reasonable.
If I don’t ask I’ll always wonder and if I do request the notes I’ll let my imagination run away with me. No winning perhaps, except learning to let go.
Hi
Yes I know what you mean. I’ve been in work today too so yes it’s a distraction
But now it’s Friday evening & the weekend looms ahead.
Xx
Hi daffy
I’m still at work and been busy so I’m ok. You just lie in wait for the days where reality hits and you cant stop crying dont you?