Hi Beans
It was so nice to hear back from you. Unfortunately I am having really bad day today so will reply to yu more fully soon. Take care.
Helen L
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Hi Rachel lovely to hear from you. It so nice to hear from someone who is going through the same pains and who understands. Its a really bad day for me today so will keep this brief.
Stay in touch and hope you are having a better day today.
HelenL xx
Hi Helen,
As I am sat here I am crying and feel absolutely broken. I can feel your bad day. When I got up this morning with the normal feeling of nauseous I was determined to be more positive. I watered the garden and dead headed some plants. I was of course chatting away to mum as I was doing this. I then decided to go for a brisk walk, this I did and felt OK. Why then am I now feeling so low and lonely. The pain of not having mum here so great and the tears will not stop. Friends say phone at any time but how can you when you canāt stop crying??? Helen I so hope you day goes quickly for you and that you feel better tomorrow. Sending you a hug
Rachel xx
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Hi Rachel
Yes I started my day feeling really positive too and the it all deteriorated. I donāt understand it either. Sorry to hear that you are having such a bad time. I got so bad I rang the doctor today - but thatās a story for another time. Big hug back and hang on in there. We must be able to get through this.
love HelenL x
Hi Rachel hope you are having a better day today. I have been really trying to be positive and went out for a walk with a friend today then lunch in the garden. All very nice but she has now gone I feel exhausted and very very low again. Hope you are enjoying the sunshine and I have been thinking of you. Sending big hug.
HelenL xx
Hi Beans Hope you are well. Really want to send you a longer message but ran out of energy today. Will try again tomorrow.
HelenL xx
Hi Helen
Well done for meeting up with a friend. That in its self is hard, it is sort of nice to think about and talk about something different but as you say when you get home it hits you again like a ton of bricks. I have just been up to mums to water the garden as mum lives in the same road. I used to get some comfort when I was there but now it triggers that awful pain.
I hope you have planned to meet up again? Do you work and if so have you gone back yet?
Rachel x
Hi Rachel
Oh that must be hard living in the same road. My Mum lived just over five minutes away from me but I canāt bear to go to her flat yet. We freecycled her wheelchair yesterday and when it was collected I couldnāt bear to look at it. No I donāt work and havenāt for about 5 years now. I used to work freelance and because I needed to be around for Mum I stopped i the end. Thatās what makes it even worse now. I saw so much of her and she was such a huge part of my life.
Do you work Rachel? And have you gone back yet. In some ways it would be nice to have a job to go to. I really loved my. But at the moment I donāt think I would be able to concentrate on anything.
My poor brain is in such a state! Letās hope we both have a good day tomorrow; Good to hear from you.
HelenL xxx
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Hi HelenL,
Donāt worry about having to reply when you havenāt the energy; I do understand.Iām glad you got out for a walk with a friend, but I also understand the feeling of ānow what do I do?ā! when youāve completed an activity or a social occasion, and your spirits have been momentarily lifted but then come crashing down again afterwards. I remember after my mumās funeral, coming home and having absolutely no idea how I was going to face the next day, and the next, and the next-I just didnāt know what to do with myself, where to start in my new life, and how to fill the hours without her.I have a partner, weāve been together 35 years, but it was as if he was a stranger to me; heād got so used to me being with my mum every weekend, while he ran my dog boarding business for me until I came home every Monday morning, to take over-I think he kind of resented me being around, and the dynamics of our life changing so much. The year after mum dying was so hard-it still is, I can cry for hours just looking at her photos; I still have her coat and jumper in my wardrobe, it makes me feel like sheās around-but it does start to ease, honestly.I was the biggest āmummyās girlā ever; she was my whole world (I donāt have kids, by choice, although I wish I had now, as I feel very alone sometimes) the only advice I can give you is to take it hour by hour, never mind day by day, and if you want to cry/wallow-just do it. I cried until I thought I couldnāt physically cry again, but I always manage to find a few more tears some days! But thatās absolutely fine, and quite healing in a way. I hope you have a better day tomorrow, or the next day, whenever-but donāt try to rush yourself into feeling ābetterā, or going into the so-called āstages of griefā.Everyone is different, everyone needs different coping strategys. Yours might be your friends, or pets, or therapy, or this bereavement page-you will find out what works for you, and you will cope. We are always here for you, I hope you have close friend in your life as well-use them if you have, a real friend is a wonderful thing!! xxxx
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Hi Helen,
How is your day today?
I fully understand how you felt about the wheelchair. Mum had a very feisty deaf cat who she absolutely adored. It was hoped that a neighbour would take her on but unfortunately that did not work, we have a cat and a dog and they have never got on so I had to make the heart wrenching decision to contact the Cats Protection League. They were fabulous and she is now settled in her new home. I have had to clear mums home as it has to be sold, that has been heart breaking. The items I couldnāt keep I have sold and the money has gone to the Cats Protection and I know mum would approve of that. Everything else is here with me, including her spare dentures!
I do work Helen, I worked full time until 2 years ago when mum needed me more, so then I dropped down to 3 days. I havenāt been to work since the 17th March, the day mum was admitted to hospital. I know I have to go back at some stage but like you I cannot concentrate on anything right now.
How selfless of you to give up a job you loved. You and your mum must have had a wonderful loving relationship.
Take care
Rachel
Hi Beans
Thank you for your lovely email. I think we have so much in common. I too donāt have any children (not really by choice, just sort of how it worked out). My husband is lovely and so kind but, like you said, he is used to me spending hours at Mumās and now everything is different and I am so clingy (poor him). I think that is the message I am getting today, is not to rush things. I was just wanting to feel better soon, but it doesnāt work like that does it. Anyway I hope you have some better days now. I am so grateful that you take the time to reply to me. It really does help.
HelenL xxx
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Hi Rachel
Getting by today - just! How about you. Oh that must have been so hard to re-home your Mumās cat - but glad to hear she is settled in a new home. I have to clear out Mumās flat and just canāt face it right now, although I need to get it on the market soon. I am meant to be the Executor of her will, but not doing much at the moment. I think have come over too nice giving up my job. I had decided to take redundancy some time before Mum had her stroke. When she went to live by herself I went down to part time but then all my contracts stopped and I stopped working. But it was lovely to have the time to see a lot of my Mum and I was more bothered about her than work.
Is there any pressure on you to go back to work. I donāt think I would be capable of stacking the shelves in Tescoās right now. My poor brain sees to just go round and round in circles. Its funny but I too have Mumās dentures, as she left them in hospital and we had to go and collect them - funny/sad.
Hope we have a good/better day tomorrow. Lovely to hear from you.
Take care.
Helen x
I am living in mams house, its unbearable thinking of selling or staying. I wear her jumper and kiss her photo. I am getting a ring made with her ashes and i kiss the hair in her makeup bag. I cry most days, it was 2 months since she died. I am scared to go to work as i will cry in front of people. I also canāt bear not being able to tell her all about my day
Hi Jeeny
Sorry to hear that you are finding things so difficult. Its very hard isnāt it. I am very tired today but I am thinking about you and sending a hug.
HelenL x
Hello Jeeny,
I am so sorry that you have lost your mum, I donāt think any of us would imagine the extent of the pain or sense of lose we are feelingā¦
My mum passed way on the 24th of April, today I havenāt cried but have felt sad. I slept with my mums dressing gown in bed with me for several weeks, it is hung in my bedroom and I still give it a hug from time to time. I talk to mum all the time and tell her what I have been up to. I do get upset but I need to tell her and often I answer myself in a way I know she would with what she would say and how she would say it. I have cried in front of lots of people because sometimes the tears come from nowhere with no warning. You need to heal yourself before going back to work and only you will know when that is. I am meeting a work colleague next week just for a chat. I am not ready myself just now but I know mum would want me to get back.
Having a ring made with your mums ashes sounds like a beautiful idea.
Just take each day as it comes Jeeny, sending you a hug.
Rachel x
Hi Helen,
So glad you are getting by, even if just by the skin of your teeth.
I havenāt cried today, but have felt sad so I will take that as a good day.
I am also the executor for mum. I must admit I have made a good start on what I had to do. Mum said to me " are you sure you donāt mind having to do everything dear, there is a lot to do" I remember saying āit will be my pleasure mum.ā Well it has be so far away from being a pleasure but I promised mum I would do it so I am. So far so good and I have even applied for the probate myself, that will be interesting.
It doesnāt matter how you came to stopping work Helen it just matters that you used that time to be with your mum and that is just wonderful. We are both lucky that we did that. I could not imagine not seeing mum from one month to the next or even longer.
My brain is also going round in circle and my thoughts keep going back to the end with mum which I find so hard. I long to think of all the good and positive memories.
I am meeting a colleague from work next week. Not sure how I am feeling about it. I think I will go back but I know I am not ready yet.
I hope that your day has been OK. Stay strong Helen, sending you a hug.
Rachel x
Hi Jeeny,
Iām so sorry for you, and Rachel and HelenL, because itās still so raw for you all, Iām into my 2nd year without my mum, but I well remember the horrendous feelings of loss, guilt, emptyness, and also feeling as if Iād been cast adrift, my mum was very much my anchor against everything bad, and I was truly scared to face a life without her.Still am, to be honest, I donāt feel equipped to be the adult that I am, and I donāt feel old enough to not have my parents , even though I know I definitely am!! It made me smile seeing the comments about your mumās teeth-Iāve still got my mumās, thought Iād be the only one who would do that, so glad that Iām not! Still got some of her clothes in my wardrobe, and I had some of her ashes made into a necklace -Iāve never worn it though, donāt know why!! I have a āmemory drawerā filled with mumās bits and bobs; boxes filled with sympathy cards, her diaries, letters sheād written, even shopping lists sheād made-just canāt part with them.One day, maybe-but probablly not! I had a star named after her; and a memorial bench put up near where she lived,things like that do help to make you feel sheās still around.
Love to all you grieving ladies, we all need to keep supporting each other, it does help to share our feelings, though some days are harder than others xxx
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Hi Rachel
Really tired today, but only cried once! Hope will have a bit more energy tomorrow. Thank you for staying in touch, it really does help. I am going through probate at the moment - why do these things always take such a long time!! Going to bed soon. Big hug sent back to you. Take care.
Helen xxx
Hi Beans
Thank you for your comforting message. It really does help to get through the day. I am so glad we can be here for each other. Very sleepy tonight, so will say goodnight for now. Hope we all have a good day tomorrow.
Hugs for everyone. Helen xxx
Hi Beans, Rachel & Jeeny
How have your days been? Got a few things done in the house today and went out for a walk between downpours but am still feeling desperate. Does anyone else have really strong physical reactions with their grief? I am overwhelmed by how bad I feel in my body. At the moment that is the worst thing for me. I feel really anxious and jittery all the time and my body feels literally depressed. Do any of you feel like this? I didnāt expect this type of reaction on top of everything else. Oh dear I am sounding pathetic today. Other people I know just seem to get on with things. The pandemic doesnāt help does it. I would really like to go away somewhere for a while, but donāt fancy staying in a hotel any time soon or going on a train or plane. Hope you are all taking care of yourselves and sending each of you a big hug.
Helen xxx