Hello Helen,
Good to hear you managed to get a few things done. I have not achieved a thing today. I have gone from one thing to another but not managed to finish anything.
Oh Helen, I get a horrid physical feeling in my stomach and the back of my throat sometimes is worse than others. Sometimes when I cry I am sure I also make a strange moaning noise. I also feel anxious about the slightest little thing and feel panicky. I had no idea of the power of true grief until now. I look at friends who I know have lost their mums with great respect and compassion. Helen we are on getting on with it, we get up every day and do the best we can. People canāt see what is going on inside of us.
You are right the lock down has made it worse. No-one has been able to give you the hug you need, you canāt meet friends for a coffee, you canāt just wander around the shops and you canāt even see a doctor for help with this!! I made enquires about some counselling but that is only being done over the phone and I am done with talking about this heart breaking experience on the phone!!
I want to sit and talk about my mum face to face with someone!
Helen you always make me feel that I am not on my own, thank you for your messages.
Please take care of yourself and keep in contact.
Rachel x
Hi Helen,
I think, with me, it was more of an overwhelming exhaustion, followed by headaches, breathlessness and the feeling that a black cloud was just above me, all the time, draining me. I couldnāt sleep either, for quite sometime. I shouldāve gone to a doctor for anti-depressants, I suppose, but I wanted to keep those as a last option, for if I got so bad that I couldnāt get up and face the day. I still havenāt gone down the medication route-apart from herbal remedys, such as St Johnās Wart, which are supposed to be pretty powerful.I donāt know if itās just a placebo effect, but they got me through the funeral and the hard days after, so might be worth a go for you? Donāt be so hard on yourself-anxiety, jittery feelings, depression-all par for the course, some days will be particularly hard, for whatever reason. I read a lot of self-help books about bereavement/ being an āadult orphanā etc-my dad died when I was only 9, and my mum remarried twice after, and outlived all 3 husbands, so I lost 2 step-dads as well. I found the books quite comforting, especially one by a lady who lost her husband, sister and mum in the same year-believe it or not, it was actually quite an up-lifting read, even funny in places, and she was quite an inspiration-the book was called ā3 Funerals and a weddingā !-Iāve passed it on to someone already, otherwise I wouldāve sent you it, if you were interested.There are loads of titles on Amazon, anyway, maybe worth a look? I know what you mean about wanting to get away, but the pandemic putting you off- do you drive? Can you get out for days somewhere under your own steam? I donāt, but have friends who take me out bird watching etc, very calming and soothing just getting into the countryside. Not if itās thundering though, like it is here! I love the rain, but Iām a bit scared of lightning when Iām out! Hope you have a better day tomorrow xxx
Hi Rachel
Of course I will stay in touch Rachel. I feel exactly the same and it is so nice to share thoughts and know we are not going through this alone. It was comforting to know that you also feel physical symptoms although Iām very sorry that you do because its so horrid isnāt it? Iām not even crying at the moment because I just donāt have the energy. Talking of moaning when you cry, I just howl. We are lucky enough to live next to a weir on a river which is quite noisy and I go and stand on it and make a horrible noise. I hope the neighbours donāt hear me!! I am having some counselling, which is good but only on the telephone. Just like you I would much prefer to see someone face to face. I rang our doctorās last week and they very reluctantly gave me a phone consultation with a doctor who was ok but not very sympathetic and said he would prescribe me some medication. But my husband and I looked up the common side effects and they were horrific. It also said it could 4 -6 weeks to work and in the meantime they would make you feel worse. It sounded so horrible I rang up and cancelled the prescription! I am also scared I might get addicted to them, so really hope I donāt have to go down that route. Went out for a walk with my husband this morning in the pouring rain. Poor him. I felt so jittery and panicky I had to get out even though it was tipping it down. We are lucky to have such lovely countryside to walk in. Do you have nice walks? I donāt even know where everyone lives I guess we are all around the country. Here in Yorkshire it is very beautiful. Look after yourself and I hope you are having a better day.
Sending love and hugs Helen xxx
Hi Beans
I am trying some CBD oil to try and help me to calm down. Not sure if it is working at all but I donāt really want to go down the anti-depressant route. I was telling Rachel that I contacted the doctorās last week and he wrote me out a prescription but all the side effects sounded so horrible that I cancelled it. So sorry to hear about your Dad and 2 step-dads - you have been through it havenāt you? Iāve ordered the book that you recommended. I got the last one on Amazon yesterday! I do drive but donāt feel up to it at the moment. Do you like bird watching? Iām very keen. I live on a river bank and we have an amazing variety of birds and in our garden too. We have tame pheasants who come into the garden and up to our sun room door and virtually demand to be fed. They are very entertaining. On the river we have herons, mergansers, swallows, swifts and king fishers. We are very lucky. My husband likes fishing and he can just climb over our garden wall and the river is 12 feet away! Hope you are having a good day today. We are in the middle of a huge tidy and we have sorted out all our pictures (we have the contents of another house in our spare bedroom at the moment - long story!) and even hung some of them up. I now feel exhausted so am laying on the bed as usual. Take care.
Love and hugs Helen xxx
HI Helen,
It is so good to see your message. I have just got back from a dog walk myself. My husband has gone to see his dad so I had a walk on my own and a cry, donāt know where it came from.
I love Yorkshire, we have been up to stay in our camper and love it. We are due back to the Lake District in September virus permitting. I live on the south coast so we tend to have beach walks but nothing as stunning as where you are. I think the weather is kinder to us down here though?? The last time we were up your way was the May Bank Holiday weekend last year and I think it was one of the hottest you had had for a while, it was fabulous.
I have never had counselling before although like I said I have made enquires. I am so glad you are benefiting from it, I canāt imagine it over the phone. but so pleased it is of help to you. I also agree about the medication, I think it will only mask your feelings and when you stop taking them you are back to square one.
Well another week has gone by. I wonder what the new week holds for us all.
Wishing you a good day tomorrow,
Sending my love to you
Rachel xx
Sending you my love
Hi Helen-Oh, glad youāve ordered the book, I hope you find it as good a read as I did; there are hundreds of titles, arenāt there, and you could easily get swamped, I read 3 in a row then had to take a break, but they did help a bit at the time. To answer your question, yes, Iām a big fan of nature/birds-I donāt know a lot (what is a merganser?!! New one for me!-I love kingfishers and herons-apart from when they take other birdās chicks!) but my brothers, and my friend Richard, are all massive birders, and take me out now and again to see rare ones-I was up at 5 a.m last Monday, watching a family of stoats on a nature reserve! Not my usual time to get up, I must say-though when I was looking after my mum she regularly stayed up until 3 or 4 a.m before I could get her to bed, so my bodyclock has never really got back into a good routine! I am passionate about animals and wildlife in general, it does help if you have an interest that can become an important part of your life, if only to fill empty hours that you wouldāve spent with your lovely mum. And getting outdoors is so important, away from people, just a woodland walk listening to birds can do wonders, I find. Your river sounds idyllic-apart from the flooding worries, I assume! My next quest is to see an otter, I wonder if you have those? Iām in Yorkshire too, East, little place just outside of Hull, called Brough (rhymes with rough but itās not too bad!) Iām Hull born and bred, itās a quirky city, but Iām quite fond of it!
By the way, my name is Jacky. my partner, Alastair, used to call me Beans when we first met, 35 years ago, and itās just stuck, but not really appropriate for a 57 year old!! My mum used to call me āSerendipityā when we were on better terms, everything just went wrong after her stroke and then her husband (third!) died suddenly, and he was classed as her carer, even though he was worse than her, health wise! It was very difficult, just wish I could turn the clock back and be a better daughter, more understanding and more sympathetic. If only, ehā¦ take care, hope you have a good day tomorrow xxxxx
This is such a sad discussion between @Rachel02, @HelenL, @Beans and @Jeeny, I really love my mum so reading how much you have all suffered is devastating. All I can say is that it makes me so happy to see how you are helping one another.
As for counselling, yes, face to face is much better for many people, but sadly it is very difficult at the moment. And as for anti-depressants, I have been on and off them since the age of 13, unfortunately many doctors these days simply prescribe anti-depressants on a first appointment because mental health services have such a waiting list, and this can sometimes cause more damage than harm. Ultimately, anti-depressants might help some people with grief, but what most people need is counselling and others to talk with to help them through this very difficult time in their life, and I really hope you are all able to feel a bit better soon.
Hi Abdullah thank you for your message. Yes it is good that we can help each other. Thank you for the warning about anti-depressants. Its not a route I want to go down. I think grief is a process that you have to go through, as painful as it is, and I donāt think there is a short cut to feeling better - unfortunately! It will be nice when Covid is all over and we can meet people face to face again. Take care. Helen
Hi Abdullah,
It is wonderful to hear you still have your mum enjoy every moment you have together.
It saddens me to hear you have needed help for what I am presuming is quite a number of years. I have been extremely lucky and have only previously experienced a very short spell of poor mental health.
Since losing my mum I have never felt so low nor have I experienced such an array of emotions and physical pain. I was going to contact my GP but like Helen fear that the side effects and long term effects of medication.
Having this site to share how I am feeling does help me knowing I am not alone although I would not wish these feelings on anyone!
I have never sort counselling before and feeling quite apprehensive about following it up, also currently it is only on the phone, I would really like to be face to face and not sure how talking on the phone can be the same?
Thank you for your message.
Rachel
Why is today so difficult? I feel so low and canāt stop crying.
Rachel
Hi Rachel so sorry to hear that you are having a bad day, I really feel for you. My friend who lost her father said to me that all the tears have to come out. But its frightening when you canāt stop isnāt it? I havenāt cried at all today, so I donāt know if that its a good or bad thing. I donāt really think there is a good or bad is just the way we feel, and our loss is so recent that its not surprising. We have had really heavy rain up here and have had a flood warning this morning - in the middle of the summer! Is your weather bad? I donāt think that helps, when you are stuck inside. You say you have a dog - what sort is it? That must make you get out of the house in all weathers. Everyone keeps telling me to keep busy but I donāt have very much to do. Our Mumās took up a lot of our time didnāt they - in a very nice way. I was always moaning that I didnāt have enough to myself - now I think how stupid I was. I would give anything to go round and see Mum this afternoon. We just need to find new things to do I suppose - easier said than done.!! Did you say you were thinking of going back to work? I wish I had a job to go back to but I am so dozy at the moment I donāt think I would cope. Donāt know about you but I keep putting things down and losing them. I lose my reading glasses about 10 times a day!! Rachel I am thinking about you and sending much love and a huge hug. Hang on in there. We are going to make it. Helen xxx
Hi Rachel
Hope you are feeling a bit better. As I said, I thought I was doing ok today and just had a mini-meltdown and made my husband cry as well. It comes out of nowhere doesnāt it.
Love Helen xxx
Hi Beans
Oh I love birds and wildlife. Watching a family of stoats sounds lovely, although 5 am is a little early for me. We have otters on the Wharfe where we live. I have seen them twice. They are very elusive. We also saw an otter on Orkney a couple of years ago and it actually swam towards us which was amazing. Yes I seem to have far too much time on my hands these days. I used to moan about having not having enough time for myself - I was so stupid and really regret feeling like that. Iād give anything to have just another afternoon with my Mum, she was so lovely.
My husband used to live near Brough, in South Cave, before I met him. We live near Ilkley. We shouldnāt have talked about rivers and flooding yesterday! We had a flood warning this morning! The river level goes up amazingly quickly. I think it has stopped raining now, so hopefully the flood threat is over - fingers crossed.
Bye for now. You take care as well.
Helen xxx
Hi Helen, Rachel, thanks for your message, yes, I am so lucky my mum is still alive and I love her so much, sheās 66 and is starting to get some health problems, and sadly since my dad has gone we have been getting into petty arguments, last time I saw her three weeks ago I told her I am not going to bother coming again, it was such a horrible thing to say but she kept snapping at me for no reason and I lost my temper, she did not answer my phone the next day and I was so upset, I donāt ever want to argue with her again, I need to learn to let her say whatever she wants to and even if she is wrong, just not say anything back to her.
Iād just like to make it clear that if your doctor prescribes anti-depressants I am not saying you should not take them, as I would never give advice counter to your doctor, I was just trying to say I totally understand why you are wary of taking them. SSRIs work for some people, some people swear they wouldnāt be here if it wasnāt for them, others hate them, I used to be on Sertraline when younger and Prozac last year, and neither worked for me and there were side effects, when I first had meantal health problems my GP did not give me any medication, I was seen by a psychiatrist and she prescibed the medication, unfortunately counsellors who are very good at what they do are not qualified to prescribe medication, and so we end up in this situation that a counsellor who has spent hours learning about your mental health cannot give you drugs and a GP who has just listened to you for 5 minutes and doesnāt know much about your mental health, does. But it is always a good idea to go and see your GP more than once if your GP prescribes anti-depressants and you are uncomfortable taking them, to talk through everything like your worries etc.
And so sorry that you are both having a very bad day today, itās frustrating, the weather here in Kent is gloomy today and very depressing but a guy down the road is going to come and look at my car sometime this evening so that is keeping me a bit busy today and tomorrow I will go and see my mum and that will keep me busy tomorrow, but then Wednesday I will probably be back at home not knowing what to do and the grief will come back, as some people have said here, we have to take it not day by day, but hour by hour, and if we have a bad hour then maybe the next hour will be better for us.
Hi Rachel
How are you doing? I am having a completely rubbish day and canāt believe how bad I feel physically. A lovely friend came over this morning and we went for a walk but as soon as I am by myself, it all washes over me again. Its such a horrid feeling isnāt it? I am going out for a walk with my husband at 6.30 so hope that will perk me up a bit. Been thinking about you and sending you long distance support. It would be lovely to have a good day and I havenāt got enough to do. What about you? What do you do in your days. Only cried a little bit today. Donāt know where the tears come from - so many! Take care and sending you a huge hug.
Helen xxx
Hello Helen,
I imagine you are out for your walk with your husband right now. I hope that has helped you.
I am so sorry you have had a rubbish day. I agree being alone is so difficult. It gives our minds the opportunity to go over and over what has happened which is not good for us. We cannot change a thing. I always used to moan about not having enough time for myself and now so much time and no idea what to do. Oh why did we moan!
My youngest son (Sam) who has taken the loss of his Gran very badly went back to work yesterday and I am very proud of him for that as he has really struggled with his grief. My mum had the most amazing relationship with both my sons, so much so that at times I was almost jealous of how well they all got on. They would often take in food to mums and share their plans and adventures. Not a family birthday or event would go by without us all being together. So far we have had mums birthdays and Sams birthday.
I met a friend from work yesterday and just cried. I felt so bad that she had given up her time and all I did was cry. She lost her mum 8 years ago so she reassured me I wasnāt losing my mind. She did say that in her opinion the lock down has made it much harder for us as we canāt get out and about. I bet we wouldnāt spend so much time alone if things were different.
I also have to much time on my hands but donāt feel I am ready for work yet.
My mum used to be a member of an Art Group, she loved her painting and was really quite good. Tomorrow I am taking all her painting equipment to a member of the club so they can use it when they all meet up. I think that will be bitter sweet. I love the thought of the other members of the group using her brushes etc and chatting about mum as they paint but will hate leaving part of my mum with someone else. I feel so possessive over everything relating to mum.
I have also contacted an estate agent today and felt physically sick. Every time I go to mums it leaves me feeling so low I have decided to get the wheels in motion to sell it. I bet when it sells I will want it back!
You are often in my thoughts throughout the day too. I wonder how you are doing. I hate to think of you having a difficult time as it is just so awful.
You asked what dog I have, well he is a 5 year old spoilt rotten black Labrador called Baxter. It has been good to have him around as he is a real comfort. It is also good to have a reason to get up and go out as I think it would be very easy to not leave the house. I imagine your beautiful Yorkshire Dales are an incentive to get out.
Sorry Helen I seemed to gone on and on this evening.
I and wishing you a brighter day tomorrow and sending you a hug. You will be in my thoughts.
Be kind to yourself and take care.
Rachel xx
Hi Rachel hope your day has been ok. Iāve had a better one today. Sorry this is a late reply. Loved hearing about your Mumās Art Group and Baxter. Going to bed now - really tired. Been thinking of you. Longer message tomorrow!
Love and hugs
Helen xxx
Hi Rachel
Hope your day is going well. I was feeling quite positive yesterday but seem to be back to my shaky self today. I am so glad to hear that your son is doing well and that your Mum had fantastic relationships with both of your sons. My Mum had a wonderful relationship with my niece (I donāt have children) and it has been very hard for her too. Thatās the downside of loving someone very much isnāt it. Oh it must be so difficult to give your Mumās painting equipment to the Art Group but as you say, nice to think of her brushes etc being used. My husband belongs to an art group but I donāt think Iāve got an arty bone in my body!
I have just contact the Manager at Mumās flat (she lived in a retirement apartment ) to get it put on the market. I have been putting it off and like you said I now feel really awful and sick. I know I have to get on with things but it is very hard isnāt it? I am going round to the flat tomorrow with my husband and Iām not looking forward to that at all. Because Mum was disabled from a stroke when she moved in I got it all sorted out for her and every picture and ornament tells a story. She loved cushions and āsillyā soft toys and she loved things with penguins and donkeys on. I think it will be very hard and Iā not planning on staying there for too long - I sound really pathetic!
Baxter sounds lovely. He sounds like a great comfort and as you say, someone to get you out of the house. I also used to moan about never having enough time (which I bitterly regret) but now just donāt know what to do with myself. Iām hoping to do an on-line yoga session this morning, if I can get myself together. I do miss going out to do things and actually meeting up with people. Iām sure your friend is right that it would help us if we could get out and meet people face to face. It helps take your mind off things doesnāt it? Anyway I am definitely rambling this morning. Take care Rachel. I will be thinking of you.
Love and hugs Helen x
Hi Helen,
How are you doing today? Did you go to your mumās flat? That mustve been very hard if you did; I used to stay with my mum every Fri-Mon, so had my own room, as did my brothers, who did the Mon-Fri shift between them. So a lot of my clothes etc were there, and my mum was a terrible hoarder as well, so when it came to clearing the houseā¦well, it took forever, and was a combined effort with my partner and 2 very good friends, who spent all day going through mumās wardrobes with me-she had masses of clothes, buying jumpers and tops really cheered her up, even though she got to the point where it was very hard to get her out of the house in her wheelchair, she got a bit agrophobic, I think. Bless her, all the tops we folded and packed away that day, mounds of them! Having my friends with me really helped, stopped me breaking down completley. Hardest job Iāve ever had to do though, apart from being with mum when she died.Though I am so, so grateful that I was with her, and so sorry for people who havenāt been with their loved ones at the end
I too was constantly moaning about being tired, not having enough time to myself, wanting to just jump on a train and go off somewhere etc-I think itās completley normal and natural, and we shouldnāt beat ourselves up about it too much, but if only we could turn the clocks back, eh, and try again. My mum was marvellous-so funny, silly, young at heart, and very pretty, I thought. What I wouldnāt give to be able to hug her again. Iām not religious-she was-so I donāt find comfort in the thought of seeing her again one day āin heavenā.Wish I did. Iām having a bit of a bad day today as well, think itās because Iāve been putting photos of her in albums-for a woman who didnāt like having her photo taken, she seems to have had every 5 minutes of her life recorded for posterity!! Never seen so many photos. Wish Iād done it when she was alive, so she couldāve talked me through them. So much about her past and childhood that I never knew about, and never bothered to ask her.
Aah well, sending you much love todayā¦love that your husband knows South Cave-itās a nice little place, thereās an animal welfare shelter there that weāve had a couple of furrys from in the past-Iām a sucker for rabbits and guinea pigs! And Cave Castle does a lovely Sunday lunch-canāt wait for some decent restaurant meals again! i love eating out, canāt cook to save my life, I blame my mother-she never taught me!!
Youāve seen otters!!- how lucky!! I desperately want to see one, and a badger as well. We have hedgehogs in our garden some nights, we film them on a little camera, love them-and get so worried when they go up the avenue where we live, loads got killed last year. heartbreaking to see them in the gutters.
I was out early on Tuesday, woodpecker spotting, 5.30 am again! Off on a lizard hunt with my friend Richard tomorrow, it does help to have a car driver to take you around, I presume your husband drives? (My partner Alastair doesnāt, neither do I , wish we did but weād both be hopeless, I know!)
Hope you have a better day today/tomorrow/ next day-keep in touch, I wish Iād known your mum, she sounds lovely-mine, too, loved soft toys and cute things-her passion was owls and meerkats, she collected thoses insurance toy ones, the adverts still make me cry! I think they always will! Mums are so very prescious, but you donāt realise just how much until theyāve gone from your life, do you ? xxxxxx
Hi Beans
Lovely to hear from you. Sorry you are having a bad day. Went over to Mumās flat this afternoon with my husband. Iāve been putting it off but I need to get the flat on the market. But it was pretty hard. Your Mum sounds so much like mine, when you describe her. My Mum was very pretty even to the end and very young at heart. Its all the silly little things in the flat that really get to me. I just shoved things into bags and will have to sort them out at home. Iām dreading the clothes. Like your Mum we loved going to the Edinbrough Woollen Mill at the garden centre and often bought a new jumper or top. She had a lot of difficulty getting dressed after she had her stroke so we were always on the look out for extra stretchy jumpers. But we always had such fun going out and our big treat was mini fish & chips in the restaurant!
Yes youāre right about not beating ourselves up about not having enough time. I think Iām just a natural moaner -but I didnāt really mean it.
And yes it will be nice when we can get out and about and live a more normal life. I think the pandemic makes everything so much worse and very much limits what you can do. I was so down yesterday that my husband said we were going to bake a cake to cheer ourselves up. We made a courgette cake which should have been nice and moist but we overbaked it and it came out like a brick - almost inedible. We put it out in the garden and when I came into the kitchen early this morning a huge crow was attacking it. When I came down later it was all gone! At least someone enjoyed it!
Oh I donāt like the sound of the 5.30 am start but I do like woodpeckers. Did you see many? I have just fed two very bedraggled pheasants who came to my garden door. They are so tame now they almost knock! We spend a fortune on bird seed and coconut shells full of fat and treats, but its worth it.
Well Iāve really gone on today, so Iāll say goodbye for now. Good luck with the lizards and take care.
Much love Helen xxx