Missing Mum

Coping with bereavement
61

Hi Rachel

How are you? How has your day been? Went to Mum’s flat this afternoon to start sorting things out and found it very difficult. So many memories and so many little knick-knacks and ornaments. Every one with a story behind it. As my husband often says it is so hard now because it was so good before.

I have booked myself in for a zoom yoga class this evening, which is meant to be calming and restorative - I could certainly do with some of that. Do you do any classes or sport? I was always saying I wanted to do more things and now I have all the time in the world - and I don’t want it!! Its very hard when our Mum’s have been such a huge part of our lives. It leaves a very large, empty space. I don’t have any family members up here in Yorkshire and the ones that could come and visit can’t come because of Covid, so that makes it all harder doesn’t it. But I have been getting a lot of support from friends but it is difficult to meet up and I would love a proper hug!! I heard upsetting news yesterday that all my friends and colleagues where I used to work are under threat of redundancy. Our whole unit is being closed down to save money. I least I don’t have that to worry about. However I think I could cope with just about anything else because it doesn’t seem very important when compared to our loss. Anyway I am rambling on as usual. Hope you are ok. You are in my thoughts. Sending love and a big virtual hug.
Helen xxx

62

Hi Helen,
You never ramble on, I really enjoy your messages.
I hope you are well. Going to yours must have been so hard. To start with I used to get comfort from going to mums but as her things went it then became quite hard. I have put some of mums belongings in a storage unit. I don’t want to make any rash decisions that I may regret, I would hate to part with something and then change my mind. If its in the unit I can deal with it when I feel ready. I couldn’t part with any of mums clothes yet and they are in my loft in holdalls. It sounds ridiculous but I couldn’t part with them yet.
Today my mums bungalow went on the market, it has been a really tough couple of days. My emotions have been all over the place and I have felt so very low. I have made contact with a counsellor as I really seem to be finding it particularly hard. I am sure it is because of mums home going on the market. I have some of mums bits and pieces here at home, like you say every item has a story. I have also bought all the plants that were in pots from mums to our garden. Mum used to love her garden and spent so much time in it. It is nice to have them here and I am sure mum would approve. I will have to give them my full attention.
It was actually really good to take mums painting brushes and bits to one of her friends. We sat in her garden and she was telling me stories of what they got up to with mum on their painting trips. It was good to hear about the adventures and laughs that they had.
Did you manage your zoom yoga class? How did you get on? Before all of the restrictions I used to go to yoga twice a week. I used to find it a real help to relax and clear my mind. The classes haven’t resumed yet nor have I even looked at my mat since the middle of March.
Well done for joining a class interactively. Years ago I was pretty active and enjoyed the gym, badminton and running but my knees tell me otherwise. Walking the dog is my main source of exercise now.
I am so sorry to hear your friends are at risk of redundancy, I think this year is going to hard for many people for so many different reasons.
My youngest son said to me the other day that since he lost his gran there is nothing he is worried about trying or doing as nothing can be worse than what has happened. I agree with him and you, if we can cope with this we can cope with anything. I can honestly say I have never experienced such emotional pain and total loss of control of me.
Well, Sam, my son has just phoned and has asked me to go to his flat tomorrow and help him with his gloss painting. I am looking forward to it. I have a purpose tomorrow.
I will be thinking of you Helen and sending you my support and a hug for when you are at your mums.
I hope you have a good weekend and please keep in contact.
Sending my love to you.
Rachel

63

Hi Rachel

Sorry to hear that you have been having a particularly bad couple of days. I am not having a good day today either. I just feel really shaky and jittery all the time - its such a horrid feeling. Well done for getting your Mum’s bungalow on the market. Its so hard isn’t it. We went to Mum’s flat yesterday. It’s very small but is a lovely little garden flat with a patio outside and a really nice view to look over. I have starting get rid of some of her things. I can’t even bear to look at them, I just stuffed things into bags and brought most of them home. My husband very kindly dismantled her recliner chair while I was out and took it away. It was such a battered old thing - we were just about to buy a new one. I know I have to get on with clearing the flat but it’s so difficult isn’t it? I was talking to the Manager of the apartments yesterday and I just wanted to burst into tears. I almost pushed her out of the door. She is a very nice, kind lady but I couldn’t cope with it. She probably thought I was very rude!

I’m glad it was a nice occasion taking your Mum’s painting things to her friend. Its nice to sit and talk to someone face to face. I also need to bring most of Mum’s pots home from her patio - will be bitter/sweet having them in our garden.
I did my zoom yoga class on Friday evening. It was a restorative class and was very relaxing. Our poor yoga teacher lost her Mum only a couple of weeks and she is back taking classes. It makes me feel rather ashamed at how I seem to have fallen apart. I felt much better after the class. A bit more human. But then you wake up the next day and its back to the old feelings.
Glad you have contacted a counsellor. I think it does help. It would be better if it was face to face -but not possible at the moment. My counsellor is very nice and I usually start crying about 2 minutes into the session and have to keep saying I’m still here, I’m still here. I hope it will help you.
You sound like you were very sporty Rachel. We are members of a gym (but don’t go very often) but of course that has been closed for months and I’m not sure if it will re-open or if I would want to go. Don’t fancy being in a gym or sitting in the sauna until the pandemic has improved an awful lot more.
Hope the painting has gone well. Its lovely to have something purposeful to do. We are back at the flat tomorrow, so not looking forward to that.
Thinking of you and sending a big hug.
Love Helen xxx

64

Hi Helen,
Im just laughing at the courgette cake!! I can just imagine! Not sure I even knew such a thing existed, althoiugh my friend Margaret once made me a beetroot cake that looked and tasted just like chocolate, it was incredible! And so healthy!! My partner, Alastair, hates beetroot but loves chocolate, so I fed him 2 big slices before I to;d him what it was!
I can imagine how hard it was for you to go to your mum’s flat, well done on doing it, and don’t rush yourself into going through her things, is my advice.It is very, very draining emotionally, just handling things that our mums used every day; reading things they’d written etc. I’ve got a drawer full of silly mementoes of mum, that I will always hang onto. But I’ve gone through all the jewellrey, much of which I didn’t recognise, so it wasn’t so upsetting-and I’ve given a lot to a local charity shop, so some good will come from it.It’s the sillier things, like her favourite coaster, and the best notebook she always used-she loved pens and stationary, a pretty notebook was her ideal gift-that mean more to me than jewellrey, and the coat she always wore (Bon Marche-same style everytime!) which is hangigng on my coatstand, as if she’s in the house (which is a bit ironic, as she was unable to visit my house after her stroke, not suitable for wheelchairs etc-so everyone had to go to her, and she lived 90 minutes away, so it was a bit of a hike to get to her)
So, long story short, go easy on yourself, it’s very, very early days for you yet, and there’s no great rush to go through her things, is there? Selling her flat will be very hard for you, emotionally, but it has to be done, but her personal things are a different story.
As to woodpeckers-they’re stunning, aren’t they! There is a family of 5 on the reserve I go to, we did see one perched for all of 5 seconds, then saw them flying across a few times all morning, but not well enough to really watch them.I don’t know why they’ve become my latest obsession, I guess you don’t see them that often these days? I remember my nana and grandpa had 2 black and white spotted ones in their garden when I was younger, and we all had a good look at them, very excited!!
The lizard hunt was postponed, it turned too cool and showery here, so hopefully we’ll go next week, if the sun comes back.I’d much rather be doing that then going into town with the morons in the pubs, my idea of hell. Nature for me, always,
Take care of yourself,
xxx

65

Hi Helen,
I imagine you are absolutely exhausted after being at your mums again today. I read the note from Beans and I so agree that it is the little things that matter. My mums address book was absolutely falling apart but to see her writing and changes as people moved was so important to me. Just seeing her hand writing on shopping lists pulls at your heart strings. I think I have said I have all mums clothes here. I can’t bear to part with anything and to be honest I don’t have to. Our loft and spare are bulging with mums stuff.
Seeing the bungalow on the market is strange.
I fully understand how you felt when the manager of the apartments was talking to you in your mums flat. I am so protective of anything relating to mum.
Your mum will so pleased you are taking her plants to your home to look after. At first I found it hard but I like to see them there now. I always talk to mum while I am watering them. I know she would like that.
Both you and Beans clearly live in a fabulous place. It is lovely to read about all the birds and wildlife you have around you. It must be a joy to have that on your doorstep. We are just plagued with flaming sea gulls!!! We do see a couple of wood peckers on our local walk which is nice.
Well done for the yoga. I am so glad it relaxed you. What awful news about your yoga teachers mum. I imagine you had a real rush of emotions. She clearly needs to carry on and have a focus, we are all so different and no way should you feel ashamed. Your grief and loss is personal to you and we all deal with it the best we can. I fall apart on a regular basis but my sister-in-law didn’t shed a tear for 3 years when her mum passed away. Even in my family we lose sight sometimes of how each of us is feeling, we never all have good or bad days together so struggle with each other sometimes.
The counsellor that I spoke to made a really good suggestions that is helping me already. I don’t know if you have this as well but I really want to share it as it is helping me. I told her I really struggle to get the images of mum at the end of her life out of my head morning, noon and night. I don’t want to forget mum, just those images. The counsellor suggested I put my favourite picture of mum by my bed and on my phone as a screen saver. When I see the images of mum in my head I now look at her smiling face on my phone or at the picture. It did seem strange at first but already mums smiling face is in my mind now a lot more.
I spent from 1pm until 9pm yesterday painting at my sons. His girlfriend was out so we had time together. It was really nice, we talked about mum and at times we both did have a little cry, but we also played music from the 80’s and 90’s and had a good sing along. I will treasure every moment that I can have with the people I love!
And yes, it was so good to have a purpose again, even if only for a short time.
Helen I hope you have made it through the day without to much heart ache. Sending you my love and a hug.
Rachel xxx

66

Hi Rachel,
Sorry if I seem to be ignoring you and just “talking” to Helen, I don’t mean to, and I can empathise completley with what you said about the last picture of your mum in your head being a bad one, when she didn’t look like your mum at all. My experience was just the same, my mum went into hospital in January 2018, with suspected pneumonia, I visited her a couple of times then went to London for 3 days-she was fine when I saw her before I went, by the time I came back, in just 7 days, she had gone downhill so much, she was scarecly recognisible. Something happened in hospital in those 7 days, but we can’t find out what.But I’m convinced her death was ultimately the hospital’s fault, and I’m so bitter. She was moved into a care home after the 7 days, where she went even more downhill, and died suddenley early March. In that time she had gone from a happy, funny, intelligent lady to someone who didn’t know where she was or what was happening to her, her entire personality changed, and she just wasn’t my mum anymore. Ive got a photo of her from Christmad day 2017, you wouldn’t think it was the same person when she died March 2018. Just horrible, thinking of how she looked and acted at the end, so all my photos of her in my house are of her looking like she really was, not what the hospital lack of care reduced her to. I didn’t even get to have another conversation with her after I came back from London-how I wish I hadn’t gone! My brothers had to deal with everything, they did their best but they didn’t fight for her the way I would’ve. So I feel intense guilt, anger, and hatred for the “carers” who , basically, didn’t.
I know exactly what you mean about shopping lists as well! I’ve got my mum’s diaries-I daren’t read them!- and some letters she wrote, but also loads of silly notes and lists, I will never part with them.
Bugger, I’m crying now, just thinking about how let down my mum was. I should never have gone to London, I didn’t even enjoy it because I was worrying about her all the time!
All I can think is that she should be here today. So I don’t go along with the “marvellous NHS” proclamations.I’m afraid I saw a very different side to it over the years with mum, from downright bullying nurses, to filthy wards and careless attitudes.
Oh, and where I live is no great shakes as a beauty spot, believe me! getting very built up now, too many houses and people. But we are near to “The great outdoors”, as it were, and can easily go for nice long walks, away from all the people, which is a God-send!
Hope you are doing ok today, wouldn’t it be nice if we could all meet upi one day, and toast our lovely mums in person! Though I fear we are all too far from each other in reality. Still. “it’s good to talk”, as the mantra went, before it was taken over by “Stay safe”!!
Hugs xx
Jacky (Beans)

67

Hi Rachel

Just a short message tonight. I am exhausted. Spent all morning at Mum’s flat and tidied up her little patio area, which made me feel so sad. Glad to hear the counsellor session went well.

Its nice for you, me and Beans (jacky) to have a three way conversation. I feel we all have a lot in common.

Goodnight now and big hug.
Helen x

68

Hi Beans

Little message, big hug. So tired tonight. Its very emotional having to sort out all Mum’s belongings. She has so much stuff and we only have a little house so not much storage. Thanks for your advice about sorting through things. As I said to Rachel this is a very nice there way conversation, which I really value. It would be lovely to meet up one day - you never know!!
Goodnight. Love Helen x

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69

Hello Beans,
It made me really sad reading about your mum, it must have been so traumatic for you. It sounds like you have so many unanswered questions which must intensify your grief. I too have feelings of guilt for not doing more when mum was here, but I was able to be with mum at the end and cared for her so I don’t have to contend with the hatred and anger.
I find that walking sometimes helps me, even when I cry the whole time. My mum was born on the Isle of Wight so was a real country girl and loved the outdoors. That must be where I get it from. We have an old motor home and love to get away and find long walks with the dog. I hope we can get back to that soon.
I haven’t gone back to work yet but I know I need to start making plans. Were you off for long when you lost your mum? At the moment I can’t even remember how to do my job.
The change of emotions are so intense and they come from nowhere. I thought I was doing OK today and then the tears. I am so tired this evening but know when I go to bed I will be wide awake!
When I first posted on this site your reply gave me hope when you said “you will have sunshine amongst the rain.” No real sunshine yet but some days it is not pouring down, just light drizzle. So thank you for that.
Take care and stay in touch.
Sending you my love and a hug
Rachel x

70

Hi Rachel,
Proper rain here today, literally, but the sun will be back soon enough, both in the sky and in our lives, , it might be a bit hit and miss, but you will get there, honestly!
I am not sure how I got through the days when mum was going downhill in the care home-I just cried and cried, most of the time, drove my brothers mad, they didn’t seem to see how bad mum was, they were both eternally optimistic, but I’m a lot more of a pessimist/realist than they are, and I think I knew we were going to lose her.
I’m lucky in that I left my “proper” job as a library assistant some years ago, before mum had her stroke-I walked out, after 20 years in the job, after a blazing row with my new manager! All very traumatic at the time, as I loved my job, but it was changing a lot, and I didn’t like what was happening with it-so I flounced out, although, to be fair, I was very badly treated by said manager, and I do think my actions were justified!
So, I started home boarding dogs, as an alternative to kennels-the company I work for is called “Petstay”, it’s well established now, all over the country, but I was there at the start, I was the second carer that the then owner of the business took on, around 12 years ago.It’s a lovely job, as I love dogs/all animals-not a big earner, but my partner is on a good wage-he’s in I.T- and it 's just lovely having all the dogs, though I do get VERY attached to some of them, it’s hard handing them back!!
So I’m home based, low paid but usually have a lovely dog to wakk-not this year, of course, everyone’s cancelled up to August, I really miss having a dog around!
Walking does help, enormously-like you, I often have a really good cry when I’m out with a “client”- your motor home sounds lovely, if I could drive I would love one of those!
What is your job? Sorry if you’ve already mentioned it in earlier posts! You shouldn’t hurry back, not until you feel up to it. Losing our mums is such a massive trauma, it makes you physically ache inside, doesn’t it
Talk again soon
Hugs xxx Jacky

71

Hi Beans

Difficult day today. Will message more tomorrow. Love and hugs.

Helen xxx

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72

Hi Rachel

Not a good day. Will email tomorrow. Hope your day has been ok.

Goodnight. Love and hugs. Helen xxx

73

Hi Helen,
Just to say I am thinking of you. Hoping you had a good nights sleep and feeling stronger today.
Rachel xx

74

Hi Rachel

Thank you for your message. Afraid I’m feeling really rubbish again today. Going over to Mum’s flat soon, as I’ve got to get it ready to put on the market.
Sorry for short message. Just feel so tired today.
Thinking of you.

love Helen xxx

75

Hi Helen,

Hope you’re ok… we’re here for you whenever you want xxx

76

Hi Helen,
I fully understand how you are feeling. Mums home went on the market at the weekend. It made me feel like I was betraying mum. It seemed to feel that for some reason I was letting her down. I don’t know Helen I really can’t describe how I felt but I know it was terrible. I looked at the details from the estate agent several times and it wouldn’t sink in. It is so emotionally draining.
We have to do this for our mums because we love them. We couldn’t let a stranger go in their homes to do it. Ours mums have to live in our hearts now.
Thinking of you.
Take care of yourself.
Rachel xx

77

Hi Beans
Having really bad day. Hope you are ok. Hopefully longer message tomorrow,
Love Helen

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78

Hi Rachel
Not good today. Yes I totally agree. Its really horrible. Longer message tomorrow. Goodnight and take care.
Much love Helen

79

Hello Jacky,
What a lovely job to do. It must be lovely having various dogs in your home. I am an animal lover too, we have a very spoilt black Labrador and a cat. We have always had dogs, the house its not the same without one around, although a lot cleaner!
I work for the local county council. I dropped down to part-time 2 years ago when mum needed more of my time for appointments etc. I am going to have a lot of time on my hands now. I know I have to go back to work but really don’t feel ready for it just yet. The slightest thing turns me to tears, so I won’t be any good for anything.
Friends have been in contact over the last few days and we have started to arrange meeting up for lunch or a coffee. It is nice they are getting in touch but not sure if I am ready to go out. I am frightened I will get tearful which is not ideal in public. How do you know when to make plans???
Yes, I totally agree it does make you have a physical ache inside.
Take Care
Rachel

80

Hi Rachel
Yes I am really hating getting Mum’s flat ready to go on the market. I was tidying up the little garden area yesterday and I almost forgot she wasn’t there and was just about to go and ask her what she thought - she always said it was lovely! When I look at the paperwork for the flat my head goes all funny and I can’t really take it in. It must be done though.
How are you getting on with the counsellor - do you find it helpful? My counsellor is really lovely. I also talked to a really nice and sympathetic doctor today who has prescribed some sleeping tablets for me. Not something I would normally take but it would be so good to sleep at night and not lay there with everything spinning round in my head. I hope they work! One of my good friends was born on the Isle of Wight and my Mum used to take us children on holiday there when we were little - we really loved it. I went back with my husband year before last when he was working at the Boat Show in Southampton, which was really nice.
Went for a walk (in the rain!) with a friend today which was nice and good to take my mind of things. I even drove my car today - which I have not been doing because I haven’t felt in control enough. Hope your day has been a good one. I’ve only had one little cry today.
It is so good getting messages from you and Jacky - it really helps me to keep going, so many thanks for that.
Much love Helen xxx