Missing Mum

Coping with bereavement
141

Hi Rachel

Lovely to hear from you. Yes new lockdown restrictions a bit of a shock, particularly as we are quite a long way from Bradford but we all need to stick to the law. We can meet someone in a pub or cafe but they are not allowed to come into our garden, which is a real shame, as we were just starting to meet up with friends. Shame about your yoga. One of our classes was considering going back to a meeting hall but of course everything has changed now. I am still doing zoom classes, but its not the same.
Yes I do find the counselling helpful but I feel like I keep saying the same thing and its a bit hard over the phone. I hear myself moaning on about everything, and then I apologise and she always says that is ok and I feel a bit ashamed that I can’t think of anything positive to say.
My big problems at the moment is lack of sleep. Do you sleep ok? I can’t have any more tablets (as you can get addicted to them) and last night I only slept for about an hour, so I feel really exhausted today (see what I mean, more moaning!! - what am I like!!).
I’m glad your Yorkshire tree arrived. Silver Birches are beautiful.
Fingers crossed about Jenny - she looks such a cutie. I do hope it works out for you.
Its so nice to keep in touch. Sending you back a hug and love!
Helen xxx

142

Hi Helen,
I bet you are absolutely exhausted if you only had an hour last night. I have started using an app called Calm, it sounds a bit strange but you can listen to stories or music to help you sleep. I very seldom stay awake to hear the end of the story so I find that helps. I do tend to wake a lot during the night and put a another story on to stop my mind wandering to mum. There are some narrators that I like better than others. That might be worth a try? How about reading?
You are not moaning Helen, its how you feel and how life is at the moment. It is hard to find anything to be positive about. It is far worse for you as the restrictions of the virus will set you back. Counselling is there for you to be able to say how you are feeling and how can we be positive about what has happened. I have my first proper counselling session booked for the 19th. My GP phoned the other day and has signed me off until after my first session. I am still feeling very anxious and she did suggest medication but I am trying to manage without it. I am better when I am busy. I have even started baking. My mum would be so impressed and the cakes aren’t bad. Today was my eldest sons birthday. We all went for a game of pitch and putt ( yes I thought of you again and I was absolutely shocking!!) we then sat on the beach and had fish and chips and I made a Victoria sponge which I took along. My sons were very impressed. That was another birthday without mum.
Yes the tree is lovely but now we can’t decide where to put it. How difficult can that be. Although I find everything difficult when it comes to using my brain. I am still really forgetful and struggle to concentrate for long. Well I am going to have a cold glass of cider now so will sign off. Have a good weekend Helen.
Sending you my love and thinking of you.
Rachel xx

143

Hi Helen,

So sorry to hear you have had trouble sleeping. So have @Kim5 and @jayandallison, so adding them too.

Sleeping pills are a short term solution, and as you come off them, you can have withdrawal symptoms like you are having.

Some people use alcohol, and whilst that can make them fall asleep, it doesn’t give good quality sleep and so should not be used for insomnia - in fact, alcohol should be avoided from late afternoon onwards if you have trouble sleeping.

Diet is something that can really help, but that’s a complex and detailed topic, so unless someone wants to learn more, I won’t write about it here.

CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) is one of the most successful stories when it comes to help with insomnia. There are two online CBT programs that the NHS recommends. Sleepio is only available if you live in certain counties, but Sleepstation is available for everyone in England (not Wales or Scotland) if you get a GP referral. It is free with a GP referral.

Here is a review of Sleepstation that you might want to read.

Really hoping you’re able to get some good sleep soon, as that can really help the grieving process.

All the best.

144

Hi good advice hope you and your mom are sleeping x

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I am so grateful I manage to sleep quite a bit, except when it is hot like tonight, my mum isn’t doing that great with her sleep.

It’s that time of the week for you, hope you manage to get through it ok tonight. Hugggsss.

146

Thank you I’m away with family in a big farm house I thought at 9 compose yourself but no the tears came flooding I did warn my family they all said just cry. Did not really want to go away but my kids said it would do me good spending time with everyone. Thank you for thinking of me. Take care both

147

That’s great you went to the farm house with your family, well done, yes, it was difficult, but it was a change, and you were with people who understood your grief and didn’t judge you for crying, that was the most important thing.

148

Hi Rachel-how are you doing? I haven’t been on here for awhile, but thought I’d just pop back in, as it were, and see how everyone’s feeling.I’m so excited for you about your dog, but I imagine it will take some doing to get her to settle; she will be traumatised, wont she, and hard work for awhile-but very rewarding, it’s a lovely thing to do.We’re looking after a little fluffy effort this weekend, our neighbour’s cousin’s dog, she’s a bit yappy and annoying, but it’s nice to have a dog around the house again, haven’t had one since lockdown-though I can imagine I’ll be sleeping downstairs with her tonight, I don’t think she’ll settle in her crate, somehow! Aah well, it’s only one night, I don’t mind-we’ve got another booking for later this month, a Cockapoo-my favourite dog at the moment!-and we might be having him at Christmas as well, which would be great-we had a dog last Christmas, and it really helped, I find Christmas terribly hard without mum-I couldn’t get one the year she died, 2018, and it was such a struggle to get through the day.My brothers came, and we did the best we could, but Christmas Day was always spent at my mum’s in Withernsea since she had her stroke, and I think I cried most of the day! We had a tree bauble with her photo in it made up-and my partner had one with his late mum’s-just like in “The Royale Family” if you watched that ?! my mum would’ve been horrified, probablly, to be hanging from the tree, but I liked it, it made me laugh, and I felt like she was there-kind of!!
I understand completley when you said about feeling upset when you went away, not having to check on your mum etc, and not having her to tell your travel tales to-we had a big holiday to New Zealand last November, getting home mid December-we hadn’t had a holiday for years, since mum’s partner died, because i couldn’t leave her to my brother’s tender care for more than two nights, and the last holiday we did have-to Mauritius (a competition win)-well, it was a disaster, we’d only been there one night and then got a call to say Alastair’s (my partner) mum had unexpectedly died!! So we had to come straight home! Nightmare doesn’t really cover it! I think it put Al off going away anywhere long-haul while my mum was still alive, we had to stay within a couple of hours travel time in case of disasters! My point is, though, although we’d waited years for this New Zealand holiday, it was so sad to come home and not have my mum to tell all our news to, or to be able to text her daily while we were there, as I know she would’ve been desperate for me to get back, and to see all the photos etc. It just felt so flat coming home, I missed not going to see her once the jet lag had worn off so badly!!
We went out for lunch last Sunday, to a local pub, and when we got home found our pet rabbit had died, he was just laid on the lawn-it was such a shock, he seemed fine when we left him, though they do have a habit of masking any health issues, and he was getting on a bit. Nineth rabbit we’ve had, I’ve got the ashes of my two favourite ones in boxes in the office here-they were the most gorgeous pets, so we had them cremated when we lost them, I miss them so much! I haven’t any furries now, just my two lovely tortoises, that I adore-if anything happens to them, I wont know what to do with myself, truly, We had 5 rabbits and 4 guinea pigs at one point, plus a hamster-they were happy days, I loved having them all out in the garden-but as you lose them one by one, it just gets sadder and sadder. No doubt we will get another rabbit/guinea-both, hopefully!-but our local animal shelter hasn’t any at the moment, nor our RsPcA, and I wouldn’t get them from a petshop, so I’ll just have to keep a lookout-I do have a habit of "acquiring! them, if I look after them for people when they go on holiday, or people find them and think of me! Hope I get some soon, I’ve empty hutches in the garage, and that’s never good-even our hedhehogs have stopped visiting us, so I’m worrying about them as well! Aah well, you have to accept the pain of losing things if you’re going to love them-it’s the hardest thing to face, but the alternative is not to allow yourself to love them in the first place, and that’s no way to live your life, is it? Anyway, that’s enough of my rambling, hope you had a decent weekend, lots of love xxxxx Jacky

149

Hi Helen-how are you doing today? I’ve just written a long, rambling reply to Rachel, so read that if you want to know what’s happening with me, but I just wanted to say I understand completley what you said about not wanting to read or hear about mums and daughters etc-you mentioned the Celebrity Masterchef contestant with the 97 year old mum upsetting you-it was Phil Daniels (I love Masterchef!) and i know what you mean, when my mum died I recorded loads of stuff on the tv that I wanted to see, but I just couldn’t face it at the time-any hospital dramas, anything with people dying, films with mums and daughters as the central characters-some of them I’ve managed to watch since, surprisingly, even a drama starring Sheridan Smith where her mum has a stroke and she takes on the hospital and care home authorities-that had me roaring throughout, it was far too close to home, but I did manage to cope with it, eventually. But there are still some things that i want to watch but just aren’t ready for yet.And I still get very jealous of people who have their mums in their late 80’s and 90’s. i just think “Why haven’t I got that?”-some of my closest friends have lost their mums, but some of them still have them, and I try to be happy for them, because I know how hard it will hit them when they do lose them, but it’s very hard not to feel a bit resentfull sometimes, we’re only human, at the end of the day, and the green eyed monster does rear it’s ugly head quite a lot!
Hope your husband manages to find something that helps his walking, if he does, let me know what it is! Im still waiting for my special , magical socks to arrive, they’re supposed to have me running round like a spring chicken, as they say, but I’m not really holding out much hope!
I was on the North York Moors last Thursday, with my friend Richard, It was beautiful, but I felt sad seeing the red grouse there, happily plodding around, not knowing that they’ll be blasted out of the sky before too long by mindless psychos with too much money and a lust for killing. I tried to persuade them to fly away while they could, but they wouldn’t listen! Aah well, I certainly wont be eating the poor things, I’ll probablly go vegan by the end of this year, I 'll miss my eggs and cheese but I think it’s the only way to not feel so bloody guilty all the time!
Right, I’d better get gone, just wanted to “touch base” with you, hope you’re doing ok
Love, Jacky xxxxx

150

Hi Jacky,
It is good to hear from you.
How are you doing? I have been up and down, trying to focus on being positive and then running out of resilience. I think this is how it is going to be now. I cannot believe the triggers that set me off. I keep on apologising to mum for crying as I know she wouldn’t want me too but some days it so hard. (Here I go again.)
We had a message from the dog charity yesterday and we have been passed for the adoption of ‘Jenny’ we just have the long wait for the borders to open and room for her on the transport. There is a long backlog at the moment as a result of the virus. Yes I think it will be a difficult few months for her and us until she settles in but I know it will be worth it. Not sure the cat would agree.
I have 4 tortoises :grinning: too. One of them i have had since I was 4 so like you couldn’t imagine life without them. I love their life, awake in the summer plodding around the garden and then tucked up all winter.
I am currently looking after my friend guinea pigs and cat while she is away. My word they squeak when I turn up with their fresh fruit and veg! We are having really hot weather here at the moment so I have been freezing bottles of water and putting them in the hutches to help keep them cool. It has been so hot I have been in the sea with the dog over the last couple of days.
My mum used love the sun but in her last couple of years couldn’t deal with the heat at all well. Mum would have hated it now.
It must have been terrible for Alistair losing his mum like that. I cannot even begin to imagine how he felt coming home, I fully understand why he was reluctant to travel any great distance when your mum was poorly.
Your Christmas baubles made me laugh. My mum would be horrified too!! but would also see the funny side. I am too dreading Christmas and not prepared to even think of it yet. I have spent every Christmas day with mum so may even cancel Christmas!!
I am so sorry about your rabbit that must have been awful for you. I am sure a rabbit or guinea pig in need of a home will appear when you a least expecting it. You are so lucky having hedgehogs in your garden, we just never see them here. We are visited every night by the badgers and foxes. The badgers excavate my garden and the fox destroys and shoes or dogs toys that are left out!! It drives my husband mad but I find it quite funny.
Well I must go now. Sending you my love. Take care.
Rachel x

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You’ve got tortoises!!! Four!!! Oh, bless, how lovely-I am OBSESSED with them, I collect anything tortoise-shaped-even got a loo brush!!-I’ve had mine for 30 odd years, the female, Sophie (Louise, yes, she’s got a middle name!) had to have a major operation some years ago when she tried to lay calcified eggs, thanks to the antics of the male, unbeknown to me-he’s called Damien Edward! He is such a character, unbelievable-the scrapes he has got into over the years, I could write a book! Anyway, Sophie had to go to a specialist vet in Leeds-Holly House, i found it on the internet, they kept her for 3 weeks and had to cut her shell open to get the broken eggs out, they also took most of her female organs out, as they had fused together-she’s got a fibreglass patch now, underneath, and it cost us £3000, they said she probablly wouldn’t survive, we had to keep her up all winter, turned the spare bedroom into a pen for her, with a heat lamp etc.The vet even wrote a scientific paper about her, she was such a mess internally-it would’ve broken my heart if she’d died, I am completley in love with them! Only another tortoise lover can understand, I guess!
Oh, and YOU are so lucky to have badgers in your garden-I’ve never seen a live one, only poor road kill, and I would love to. They can eat hedgehogs though, did you know? Only wild animal that can uncurl them and kill them-which may be why you haven’t any!! Just as well! I love foxes too, we see them near us, but not down my avenue
I had two gorgeous guinea pigs-Fernie, the female, had brain damage, but you would never know, she had such a pesonality, she was like a cartoon character.Adorable! She lived in the house, as she was delicate, and ruled the roost, she was very bossy, and so funny.When she died I thought I’d never stop crying, I even had internet counselling on a pet site, I loved her sooo much!
Hurts to lose anything you love, doesn’t it.
Well, must walk the dog before it gets any hotter-just had to reply when I saw you had tortoises!!
xxxx

152

Hi Rachel
Sorry for delay in replying. Been having a really bad few days and still not sleeping. Thank you for your suggestion about Calm - I’ve signed up for that. I know what you mean some of the narrators have very irritating voices - or perhaps its just me!! Your son’s birthday party sounds lovely. Like you I am much better when I am with other people and can’t think too much. Having children and grandchildren must be a real comfort to you. I keep thinking of things that I can do to get out and not drive my poor husband to distraction, but things are a bit restricted at the moment (same for everyone though). I think that when you lose a parent it brings other issues up. When I still had a Mum I didn’t feel so old but now I realise that I am!!!
Anyway on a brighter note it is a fabulous day up here in Yorkshire and we met up with some friends at a nice pub on Ilkley Moor and did a lovely walk across the moors. We had a cheap lunch thanks to the governments restaurant subsidy scheme and there weren’t too many people out walking. So it was really nice to get out and life felt quite normal for a while.
Thinking of you and sending hug.
love Helen xxx

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Hi Jacky
Great to hear from you. Read your message to Rachel. Your Mauritius holiday sounds horrific. What an awful thing to happen. Glad to hear you understand about tv programmes setting me off. I can’t believe how sensitive I am and can’t bear to watch programmes, or listen to music or read books with family/mother/daughter themes. I hope it does get better. I’m always asking my husband to turn the tv of because something has upset me. I don’t think he understands.
So sorry to hear about your rabbit. Yes I agree if you love animals its always painful when you lose them.
North Yorks Moors trip sounded good. I know what you mean about the shooting. I don’t really understand why people want to kill things. We were up on Ilkley Moor today and it was so beautiful. There weren’t many people around which was nice as lately as soon as we have a nice weather there have been so many people out and about. There’s nowhere to park and rubbish all over the place. They even had to close some of the bridges in Ilkley because of the queues of people lining up to jump off them!!
I think I told you that I have joined a local environmental group and that is going well. I have been asked to become a beck steward and went out for a walk with another steward last Friday. It was magical and a few of the becks are on private land, so it is a real privilege to walk around places where no-one else can go to. We were walking through one area and a buzzard flew in just above our heads. I’ve never seen one so close. Tomorrow I am joining a work party on the local golf course to try and get rid of the dreaded Himalayan Balsam. It actually looks very pretty but it just takes over and crowds out native species. It always seems to grow amongst stinging nettles and thistles so by the time I get home I’m scratched to pieces and very muddy as well. Last week I walk along the village main street and couldn’t understand why I was getting few odd looks, until I got home and looked in the mirror!!
I will say goodbye for now and send much love

Helen xxx

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Hi Helen,
I am so sorry to hear you are having such a difficult time, not having sleep just makes everything so much worse.
I agree with you about now feeling so old. I have been having the same thoughts and become quite anxious about it too. I am extremely lucky to have my sons and grandson but I am now constantly thinking about them feeling like this when both my husband and i go. I have been thinking about funeral plans and all sorts!! I want to make it as easy as possible for them. I have never thought like this before and I really don’t like it. I hadn’t thought I was old enough to be having these thought when clearly I am.
Your walk sounds lovely, and the cheap lunch as a bonus. I must admit I have booked for a couple of meals out. I do feel a bit nervous about the virus but also need to be doing stuff.
We have had the most fabulous weather since the weekend, in fact we were on the news for having the highest temperature on Saturday of 35.5 degrees!!! It is still staying above 20 degrees at night so that has not helped with not sleeping well. I believe we are due some thunder storms over the next few days.
I read your message to Jackie, you are certainly getting involved with your environmental group. Having access to private land and becks sound fabulous. You mentioned rubbish and visitors to your area, we have the same here. I am often found wandering along the beach with my ‘Womble’ bag picking up the rubbish that has been left behind and the discarded fishing tackle which drives me mad!!! We hardly see a soul on our beaches in the winter but this time of year it is very busy. It sounds like it is the same for you? We tend to walk the dog very early in the morning for his swim or in the evening.
We had some good news, we have been given the go ahead to adopt the dog. We have to wait for the borders to open now. I keep questioning myself about what I have done but I know when she is here I will be fine. It will do me good to have something to focus on.
I still haven’t planted the silver birch as I can’t make my mind up as to where it is going to go. I think my husband is getting rather fed up with my indecision’s. I think I will make it my goal to decide today before he gets home from work.
With that in mind I will go and have a look.
Take care of yourself Helen, sending you a hug
Rachel xx

155

Hi,
Rachel,
So Sorry for your loss. Felling the same as you,my Beautiful Mum battled an illness on and off all her life. Coming up to 3 years the 1st of September since she passed away,and first year anniversary since losing my Stepdad,whom was like a Real Dad to me August 31st. I just get through each day for my 14 year old son. Still so lonely and raw each day,don’t know what to say,just try to stay strong,and one day you will see your Mum again. The worst of all of this is how much i miss my Mum and Dad,all the support they had given me over the years,despite battling there own illnesses,and me with my illness. My days are so lonely,you just have to try to be as strong as you can. Lucy xxx

156

Hi Helen,

How are you doing-I love the sound of all the environmental work that you’re doing, I think that’s something that I could really get my teeth into and enjoy, you’d feel like you were doing some good, and making a difference for the better-until the next load of wankers come along and mess everything up again! I just cannot stand the mess people make, and then leave behind-it’s getting worse where I live, there’s always glass strewn everywhere, and dog poo-and of course the bloody masks now, they can’t put them in a bin, oh no, just chuck them on the floor.!! We went for a cheapish meal out last Wednesday, and ended up walking back from the train station behind a very drunk young woman-I wont say “lady”!-who dropped and broke the glass bottle she was carrying all over the road, then staggered off and was sick in someones garden-not ours, luckily!-before tottering off round the corner-home, presumably-just leaving it all for someone else to clear up. Infuriating-and it used to be a “nice” avenue where I live! Oh, I sound like a “grumpy old woman”, I know, but where’s the consideration for others? I really hate people sometimes!
Our hedgehogs have made an appearance again, thankfully, after 2 weeks of no sightings-I was getting really worried, and posted something on a local Hedgehog rescue site Facebook page, the lady said not to worry, and they’d be back, and they were, the very next day, they must’ve read my post! So relieved!!
I fell in the shower the other day, i’ve got the biggest, most odd coloured bruise on my arm, it looks like a giant tatoo that’s gone wrong! I do bruise easily, normally, anyway, but this is massive!! Looks terrible! Add to that I’m still having real problems walking any distance-I had a dog walking job yesterday, 2 Cockapoos that I often look after-and I feel about 90, hobbling along and grimacing all the time! I’ve got another Cockapoo coming for a week on Friday, a new client, so I hope I get on ok with it, and can manage to walk it without too much pain!
It’s my mum’s birthday a week tomorrow, she would’ve been 87 on the 24th, I’m planning to go to the crematorium with my brothers, we haven’t been since mother’s day as lockdown started straight after, didn’t it. It’ll be strange to go back after 5 months away, seems forever !
Hope the “balsam bashing” went well, and you found it therapeutic!!! If I knew what it was, and saw any, I would give it a bash in your honour!!
Love, Jacky xxxx (bruised!!)

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Hi Rachel
Good to hear from you. Great news about Jenny. I bet you can’t wait. I think it is a lovely thing to do. You made me smile with your ‘Womble’ bag. I think I am becoming obsessed with rubbish! We live in such a beautiful area and the becks I have been visiting are really magical, and yet people drive up to the surrounding walls and just chuck their rubbish over. Unbelievable! Why don’t they just drive to the rubbish tip?! I am so glad I joined the environment group. It gives me some structure to the week and its nice to do something with other people. And it gives my husband a much needed break from me!!! We have finished pulling up the the Himalayan Balsam for this year although there is still masses of it around. Our next project might be taking all the plastic tubing off trees. When you start looking there is so much. Apparently the Forest Commission planted thousands of trees and put plastic collars around them to protect them from deer etc but never thought about going back and cutting the collars off.
We are still in our lockdown restrictions which is really tiresome. We can go to a pub and meet people but they can’t come into our garden. We are so lucky that we live on a river bank so at least we can meet up with people there, but it gets a bit cold in the evenings - well we do live up North!
I went over to Mum’s flat this afternoon to do a bit more sorting out of there things. I find it so difficult to be there without her. I keep thinking I will turn round and she will be there - so silly!

I have some new tablets from the doctor (I know I can’t take them forever) but at least I am getting a good night’s sleep at the moment which makes a lot of difference.
My husband has found a courier company to take his Art work to the Royal Academy for the Summer Exhibition - so fingers crossed he makes it through (although he tells me it is highly unlikely!). We were so looking forward to going down and rubbing shoulders with the over “artists”!
Hope you are doing ok. I often think about you.
Take care and much love.
Helen xxx

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Hi Lucy,
Thank you for your kind words. I was going to reply sooner but have not been to good over the last few days. I have been very tearful and sad. Some days I feel I can cope but recently it has become extremely hard again. I have been told it comes over in waves so I don’t know why I am surprised. You have two very sad date so close together, that must be so very hard for you. Having a 14 year old son must keep you going. I remember how my boys were at 14. It is certainly no walk in the park. He has also lost his grandparents so must be finding it hard too.
I agree the pain of missing our mums is overwhelming. I chat away to mum all the time, sometimes that helps other times it makes me worse.
It is a strange feeling alone even when you are with others. Mums leave such a massive gap in our lives and hearts.
Thinking of you and sending love
Rachel x

159

Hi Helen,
I am glad I am not the only one that gets irate with others dropping rubbish. I can see you hiding behind the walls dressed in camouflage (Himalayan Balsam tied to you) taking photos of their number plates!
It sounds like the environment group is really doing you good, which is so good to hear.
We planted the silver birch on Saturday, mixed feelings about it as I ordered before mum passed away and I really wanted her to see it. I think that is the reason for a few really bad days. Anyway, it came with a plastic sleeve which is currently on it. I have no idea why I put it on, we don’t have deer anywhere near our garden nor do we have rabbits.
I really don’t understand the fact you can go to the pub but can’t have people you know in your garden, to be honest I don’t understand anything at the moment. I seem to be crying and feeling really low again. Thankfully I don’t have to go inside mums as I did clear it out not long after mum passed. I do go there and tidy up the garden every week. I really feel for you having to do that. There has been about 5 viewings at mums but no buyer yet. Again mixed feelings.
Oh god Helen, sorry for the negative vibe, even crying. I have got to take my grandson to buy his school shoes in a while so need to pull myself together!!! I am sure he will lift my spirits today.
Our local swimming pool is now open with restrictions but I have booked a swim for Friday. I thought that might help my mood too!.
So good to hear from you. Keep up the fabulous environmental work, take care of yourself.
Sending a hug.
Rachel xx
Yes very pleased about Jenny. There is a back log of about 200 dogs waiting to come over which is not good but they managed to get 5 over last weekend and are hoping to do the same this weekend.

160

Hi,
Rachel,
Thanks for the reply,i am looking for friends on here and nice people to talk with to help keep me going.
My honest answer there will be bad days and ok days,that’s how i find it. I hope that your as ok as you can be and send you Love and Strength,hope to talk soon,Lucy,xxx