Hi everyone. I lost my mom in the early hours of Monday morning. She was 89 and my husband and I took care of her and lived with her. I’ve never really ‘left home’ as when my husband and I met 28 years ago he moved in. My dad had passed some years before and mom and I lived in a fairly big house. So I’ve seen my mom, with the exception of holidays, every day for 52 years. My husband loved her to bits and she him - ‘he’s like a son’.
Approximately 1am Monday I heard her calling for me. I went to see if she was okay and she was struggling to breathe and slurring her words. She says she’d got a terrible pain in her tummy. I shouted for my husband to call an ambulance. He had to perform CPR while we waited for the first responder and then he had to continue to do CPR while the first responder got a drip up and administered adrenalin. I had to squeeze the air bag thing to push oxygen into her lungs. I remember saying as I was doing it ‘she’s dead isn’t she?’ The first responder told me her heart had stopped. We managed to get it going again but she crashed again. The ambulance crew arrived and did their best but I had to make the heart wrenching decision for them to stop trying.
There has to be a postmortem but it’s suspected to be a ruptured abdominal aortic aneurysm. Fatal in almost every case within minutes.
We are traumatized by the events and devastated to lose her.
The house seems so empty and cold. A light has gone from our lives.
Hi Jacky (hopefully not so bruised now!)
Just got back from another environmental working party. I had to walk through the streets to home carrying a spade and a rake and looking pretty dishevelled. Tried not to notice the funny looks I was getting. We were working on a new wetland area connected to the local primary school. Digging out a pond today so quite hard work, but nice people, worthwhile project and giving some sort of structure to my week.
I seem to have so much time on my hands now and to think I used to moan about not having enough time for myself (stupid woman!). Still trying to clear Mum’s flat but can only be there for about half an hour at a time as I very find it very hard. Getting by most days but then you get caught out and have a really bad day. I do think the pandemic is making it extra hard for everyone as it so limits what you can do, and we are still in our extra restrictions which makes it even worse. A lot of people seem to be ignoring the rules which I get cross about, as we are so law-abiding!
Glad to hear the hedgehogs have re-appeared. I have never seen any in our garden or on the river bank.
Sorry to hear about your fall. It must make walking the dogs really difficult. Dog walking is something I was thinking of trying. And talking of trying I have my first golf lesson tomorrow. I just hope I am not embarrassingly bad and that nobody is watching, but thought I might as well give it a go.
I loved your graphic description of following your drunken lady home - charming! The area we live is still really nice and most people behave very well.
Well better go and get some lunch now. Hope your walking problems get easier.
Lots of love
Helen xxx
Hi Lucy,
I am so sorry that your days are still so lonely after three years. We just love them so much that no amount of time can fix the sadness. Hopefully you’re having a slightly better day today.
Hi Rachel
Don’t be sorry. Its not negative its just how you feel. I’ve had more tears today, just when I thought there can’t be any more! And I envy you having a little grandson. Hope the shoe buying went well, I am sure he will take your mind off things for a while. Good for you for booking a swim. The environment group working party was really hard work today - digging out for a pond for the local school - I’ve certainly done all my exercise for today. Have you started your yoga classes yet? One of our classes was just about to go back into a hall when we had our new local restrictions and all that went out of the window.
Stay in touch. Sending a hug and love
Helen xxx
Hi Sarah, I’m Jacky, I lost my mum in 2018, so feel a bit of a fraud being on here really, when most people posting have only recently been through the terrible trauma of losing that most special person in our lives.
I am so. so sorry to hear of your mum’s sudden death, it must have been traumatic beyond words for you and your husband, and you must still be in a state of shock.At the moment, no doubt, you must just be full of despair, and unable to imagine ever getting through this, and ever feeling ok again. You will, one day, I can assure you, but for now, rest assured that people on here will understand completley how dark everything will seem to you, as you say, “a light has gone”.We have all had that feeling, and there is nothing you can do but take it a day at a time, expect many set-backs and gut wrenching days, when everythng seems pointless-but take it at your own pace, cry as much as you need to, and lean on your husband, he will be your rock through all this. Believe me, one day you will be able to smile again when thinking about your mum, and you will feel happy again, but it’s a long, hard road you are on!
Everyone here will help if you need to talk, and everyone here will get how you feel, I wouldn’t wish the pain on my worst enemy, truly, but you can, and will, get through it, in time
Sending you a big hug
Jacky xx
Thank you Jackie. You are not a fraud! Your kind words mean a lot to me. At the moment I am alternating between being totally numb or crying my eyes out.
Hi Lucy,
I have found this wonderful group of people a great help. As awful as this whole experience is, knowing you are not alone with how you feel does help. I have found reading other peoples thoughts and feeling reassures me I am not going mad.
I am more than happy to chat, I think we all keep each other going which is fantastic. It is so good to be able to say how you feel without being judged or feeling awkward.
Not every day is as dark as they have been and it is good to share that too. It gives me hope when I read positive comments .
Take care, sending my love.
Rachel x
Oh Sarah,
I am so very sorry for the tragic loss of your mum. Both you and your husband must be absolutely devastated. You have some very dark day ahead but you will come through. My mum passed away on the 24th April this year. I am still absolutely heart broken and very few days go by without me crying. Like you I had my mum in my life nearly every single day for 57 years, it is not possible to imagine not having them here. I would love to be able to make it less painful for you but there is nothing anyone can do. Just take every hour as it comes. One quote that has been said to me, and is the truest statement ever is: The deeper the love the deeper the grief, wow how that is so true. You will have good days and you will have bad but do what you need to do and try and be kind to yourself. I have found the people of here such a great support so I am sure keeping in contact here will go a small way to help you.
Look after yourself, sending you love.
Rachel xx
Hi Helen,
Yes I know I am very lucky to have my Grandson, he is a ray of sunshine. I don’t get to see he as much as I would like as he lives with his mum and her new partner but I make the most of him when I can. We ended up with school shoes, trainers, football socks and a new football so a good time was had by all.
I really smile when I read about your environment group. It sounds you are enjoying it and are putting your heart and soul into it, good for you!!
Yes, my swim is booked for this morning, not really feeling it at the moment but will make myself go. It may only be a couple of lengths but it will be something. No yoga yet which is a pain, I have been trying to get some walking in but although not very motivated at the moment.
Our trip to Pooley Bridge has been put on hold. Due to the restrictions we are putting it off until next year. We might head to Devon again for a coupe of nights instead.
Well I need to go and sort myself out for my allotted time slot at the pool.
Keep in contact and take car of yourself.
Sending a hug
Rachel xx
Thank you Rachel. Getting out of bed and facing the day is a real struggle. I never thought that I’d miss her so much…
Hi Lucy
So sorry to hear about the loss of your Mum and Stepdad. I lost my lovely Mum over three months ago now but have been really struggling to come to terms with it. We had such a beautiful relationship and I miss her so much. I never knew that grief could be as deep and as painful as this. I know that my Mum would want me to be happy again and hope that one day I will be able to remember her without it being so painful. I have met some lovely people on this site and it is a real comfort to know that we are there for each other.
With love and support Helen. xxx
Hi Sarah
I am really sorry for your loss and the trauma that you and your husband are going through. It must be of some comfort that you were with your Mum at the end. I lost my beautiful Mum over three months ago and I am still finding it hard to fully realise that she is no longer here. I never knew I had so many tears in me. Sometimes I feel that I will never stop crying but I do believe that things will get better and that we have to find a way of living without them. I had my Mum for 65 years and am so grateful for that but it does make the loss very hard. I am thinking of you and sending love and support.
Helen xxx
Thank you Helen. I know what you mean about tears. I am alternating between uncontrollable sobbing and numbness. I am so sorry for your loss too. No one can understand it unless they’ve lived through it. xxx
Hi Sarah,
I have been thinking of you today. Yes everyday is a struggle but it will get easier, you just have to not expect anything from yourself. Take ever hour by hour. Cry as much as you need. I cannot believe the tears I have shed. I still often find myself crying now but I also smile sometimes so hang in there!
Sending you a hug
Rachel
Hi Rachel
That sounds like a very successful shopping trip with your grandson. Glad you enjoyed it.
Yes the environment group is good. Yesterday they were taking lots of water samples on the River Wharfe which is the river we live on. A number of local groups have got together and are campaigning for cleaner water and safe bathing status. Our nearest town, Ilkley, is very popular with tourists and people paddle and bathe in the river but raw sewage is sometimes pumped into the water - lovely! We even made the local news on tv!
The golf lessons are also going well and I am not quite so bad at it as I thought I might be. We have our third lesson on Thursday.
I am really trying to keep busy but when I don’t have much to do I find it very hard not to keep thinking about Mum and then getting all upset. The Coroner’s Court are holding the inquiry into her death today. I decided not to attend because it won’t change anything and I think it would be very upsetting. Hope I made the right decision.
Sorry your trip to Pooley Bridge has been postponed but it is probably for the best and you might enjoy it more next year… We are going to the Lakes for one night soon and I have mixed emotions about it. It will be nice to get away.
We are hoping that this week some of our tighter lockdown restrictions may be lifted, so fingers crossed for that.
Take care and sending lots of love
Helen xxx
Hello Helen,
You must have had a very difficult day today, I hope you are ok. I agree with you, being at the inquiry would not change a thing and would be very upsetting for you. Its hard enough anyway. I am fortunate that I didn’t have to suffer the ordeal of an inquiry, I am sorry you have had too.
I think it is great that you are involved in your local community. It is so sad that sewage and chemicals get into our beautiful waterways and sea. Does your group carry on the good work throughout the winter months? That will be chilly!!
A night away will do you good. I think I mentioned that I had very mixed feelings about going to Devon a couple of week ago. I don’t know whether it was guilt for going to do something nice or what is was. I didn’t have to put anything in place for mum so that was very hard. Not being able to tell mum about the trip was another hurdle. That being said I did enjoy myself and I am sure you will too.
I had my first proper counselling session last week. I cried the whole time, I felt so silly. I have found it has helped me this week when I have reflected back on what she said. Long may it continue. Are you finding it helps you?
I fully agree about keeping busy. I am no good with time on my hands. I went swimming last week but didn’t really enjoy it but at least I went. No yoga yet. They did say September, so nearly there.
I met with my manager today for a catch up. I have decided to go back to work. We have agreed the 8th September. I am to have a week or so to catch up on what has happened and to get my head around all the COVID risk assessments. A colleague has been looking after my case load so there will also be a handover. Right now I can’t remember any aspects of my job and feel totally incompetent, I hope it all comes back to me.
I keep meaning to ask how your husbands art work got on?
Sending you an extra hug today as I am sure you need it.
Take care of yourself Helen and stay in touch.
Rachel xx
Hi Rachel
Yes did find the inquiry upsetting but I can understand why they had to do it. I got the verdict yesterday and it was so sad seeing the details in writing and brought all the memories back, but at least it is over now.
Glad you are finding the counselling sessions useful. I am still doing mine. I have five more sessions left. Yes I cry all the time and because it is on the phone I keep saying “sorry” or “I’m still here” in between tears and sniffs. I don’t know about you, but I have times now when I don’t cry for days and I think I’ve got past that, and then I have a day when I can’t stop crying. I think it is good because you can say what you really feel without upsetting anyone. I told my husband that I felt very lonely the other day and he was upset because he said he was still here for me.
I think that although it must be really daunting going back to work for you that you will have to concentrate and that will take your mind off things. Are you going back to an office or will you work from home? I sort of envy you a bit because I used to really love going to work and being with all my friends and colleagues and it would be something to focus on. But I can imagine you are rather nervous. I’m sure it will all come back to you. I know I’ve said it before but I find I just have too much time to think and its really not good for me and I miss having any family around. (Mum was my family).
I was trying to be positive yesterday and was looking for some more voluntary work but unfortunately because of the pandemic a lot of the groups have been cancelled for the time being. One of our local community centres wants an assistant for their Stroke Club. Mum had a stroke, so I know how devastating it can be. But when I went to reply to the ad it closes in March 2021!! So I guess that’s when they hope things might open up again. I’ll probably apply any way. I have also put my name down on “Borrow My Doggy” (silly name!) to do some local dog walking. I was even looking at jobs in our local Tesco!!! But didn’t think I was qualified for a night shift in the bakery department!! (see how desperate I am getting!).
Had our third golf lesson today and it went quite well but I think our Golf Pro puts a positive slant on my attempts i.e. when I hit the ball backward “Yes that’s very good Lesley at least it went up in the air!”
Anyway Rachel I am going into our local town this afternoon as I have an appointment with the osteopath. I’m quite looking forward to it as he is a really nice guy and it is so nice to actually see someone and not have to communicate by email or phone!
Hope you are having a good day.
Bye for now. With much love Helen xxx
Hi Helen,
Good to hear from you. I am glad the inquiry is now behind you. I fully get that you feel lonely. I have my husband, sons and a grandson but I also feel lonely or is it empty??? Our husbands do what they can and it must be so difficult for them but nothing will ever replace having our mums. Its like a big part of me is missing despite having people around. I can’t really put the feeling into words.
I met with my boss on Monday. You are right I am feeling very anxious about work. She was lovely and very supportive. She had to tell me that I would be working from home as we are not allowed in the office. Also our local office is being closed. We are being relocated. Not sure how that will work but I have decided to deal with that when it happens. We just never know whats around the corner do we. If you had told me a year ago how different things would be today I would never have believed you. I can’t believe it is September next week. I remember thinking I would never make past May but here we are, life does go on (sort of.)
I am lucky to have a job to go back to. I am sure that you will find something. It may be good that the position at the Stroke Club is not until next year as your mums passing and your grief are still very raw. You will be ideal to support others who are struggling with the trauma of a Stroke. I know that this experience has given me a real wake up call when it comes to hearing about others who have lost a loved one. I have always thought it was sad but did not understood the true meaning of grief. Its good you are going to apply and in the meantime something else might come up. Maybe even something completely random that you never imagined doing.
You made me laugh about your golf lesson and hitting the ball backwards!! Are you just having lessons or are you also playing? My mum used to play many years ago but it has never been an interest of mine.
Lets hope you get really busy with 'Borrow My Doggy" you won’t have time for work!
I hope your appointment went well with the osteopath and the restrictions didn’t impact on your treatment.
I hope you have a good weekend.
Take care of yourself, sending you my love and a hug.
Rachel xx
Hi Helen, thank you. My mum died on 27 July. I am absolutely devastated. Life is now surreal. I am walking, working, carrying out daily activities, but I am not there, or here. Nature and all living things have now taken on a special significance. I thought they were important before but now they are each and every one precious. I find myself staring at leaves even. Listening to birds is incredible. All the stories I’m reading here ring true. I will write and add my story but it is still too raw and terrible and horrific to recall to write now. Later I will because I know it is important to share so we can all take strength from each other. I would give anything for a few more precious moments with my mum. The missing is just so hard. The emptiness so empty. The waves of sadness so upsetting. My mum had five months from her lung cancer diagnosis to her death, I tried to prepare myself but of course I could not, How can anyone. I never imagined death could be so awful, I never imagined bereavement could be so painful. Thank you for sharing the love, of nature, because mother’s gave us our love and our life and in nature we find both.
Hi Rachel
Glad to hear your boss is being supportive. These are such strange times and everything is changing. I feel very anxious a lot of the time - must stop watching the news, it doesn’t help.
I am comforted by the fact that you understand that lonely/empty feeling. And I agree it feels like a huge part of me is missing. I don’t really recognise me these days. I don’t think you can ever be the same person again after such loss but I hope we can get to a better place in time. Yes I don’t think you can truly understand grief until it happens to you.
Glad my golfing attempts made you smile. I do hit it in the right direction occasionally!! We are not actually playing at the moment. We have a practise session tomorrow. When we do start playing apparently it takes 4-5 hours to get round the course?! I think it will take me about 12 - they will be sending a search party out after me!! Nice to hear that your Mum used to play.
I have someone who is showing a lot of interest in Mum’s flat. And while I should be pleased because it would be good to get it sold, it really upset me and took me completely by surprise. I keep thinking it’s her flat not someone else’s. Silly really but its how I feel.
I got my first reply from Borrow My Dog from a lady who said she was getting a cocker spaniel puppy but when I contacted her she said that she had changed her mind because of the current restrictions. Never mind I will try again. And talking of restrictions, some parts of Bradford (including us) are being allowed out of lockdown from next Wednesday - hurrah! At least we can have people into the garden again. We are really pleased.
Hope you have a good weekend.
Sending love and hugs
Helen xxx