Missing my Dad

It’s been just over 2 months since my Dad left this world, and I’m still struggling to carry on with life.
I would never take my own life (that would just be passing on more grief to my family) but at the same time I don’t want to carry on with life either. It’s a horrible position to be stuck in, and one sometimes overwhelming.
I’ve been visiting this site for 2 months now, I’m truly forever grateful to all of you, for sharing your own personal journeys and experiences of grief. It felt strange at first reading other people’s stories of loss, I actually thought I was weird for literally seeking out others who have too lost a loved one. However after reading many posts on here, I realised that I’m not suffering alone, and as hard it seems to accept, death walks hand in hand with life. I sincerely hope that as time passes by my pain eases not just for me, but anybody going through this god awful process.
My Dad was 56yrs old, I honestly thought I would be in my 60’s before I had to say goodbye (I’m 35). I hate seeing my mum and younger siblings suffering, it’s like an extra pain on top of grieving my Dad, luckily we are a close family and help each other as much as possible. It just seem so hard to create a new normal, it’s as if we are just pretending until Dad comes home.
Thanks for listening, Liam

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Hello, I understand completely how you feel. I couldn’t let my children feel as I do if I were to go but I too find this life impossible. Every day seems to get worse and on top of my grief, I have to see what it is doing to my Mum who cannot live without her husband. I cannot live without my Dad. He was our strength, our guide, our support. We have all fallen to pieces. He left us suddenly and none of us expected this. It all feels so wrong. I used to have faith but not any more.
I have no idea how I will face the funeral. People may laugh but I am considering wearing a blindfold. I can’t bear to see the box - I can’t even type the word.
I’ve fallen apart and there’s noone who can put me together again. I’m so scared of every new day.

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Hi Gee,
I’m sorry for your loss. I’m guessing it’s just a matter of living day by day, and hopefully our pain eases with time. Having to bury my Dad was awful, I just wanted the whole service to end so I could go and cry alone. As stupid as it sounds up until they lowered him into the ground, I thought someone could still come rushing in and tell us they’ve made a massive mistake, that Dad was still alive in hospital, and it’s all a horrible mixup. I still really struggle to comprehend that I’m never going to see him again. It breaks my heart seeing my Mum in so much pain, she’s so lost without him. My youngest sister has just turned 21, she’s absolutely devastated, she was his little princess. I spend as much time as I possibly can with them between work and my own family - which helps, problem is I’m just not my Dad. Regarding your Dad’s funeral, the only advice I would give is be there for your Mum, be kind to yourself. Take care. Liam.

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Hi Liam
Your dad passed away about the same time as my dad and I spoke to you before. My dad too died from covid on the 5th of Jan this year.

I totally understand everything you are saying. The shock of dad dieing I think I have accepted but its now the realisation that he hle isnt coming back is what I can’t seem to get in my head.

I try and spend everyday with my mum as she is in pieces, she doesn’t eat… brush her hair, she just sits crying bless her.

This week I have cut there grass while trying to wipe away the tears as they flow down my cheeks, missing everything about him, seeing his empty chair, never hearing his voice just breaks my heart.

Life is so bloody cruel, covid has destroyed so many peoples lives and taken so many lives.

I talk to dad like he is still here. Nothing else in my life at the mo seems to matter, I don’t want to hear people telling me how I should be coping like I should get over it by now and live my life.

I totally feel your pain and my heart goes out to you

I am so sorry for your loss, and I pray in time all the lovely memories back to us, and some of this pain should heal

Take care x

Hello,
Thank you for your kind words. But yes, you are totally correct life can be very cruel. I hope that in these difficult time’s you are keeping well. It’s refreshing to hear you’re helping your mother as much as you can, I’m still trying to find a balance with being there for Mum and being a Dad/husband. I just find it so difficult to motivate myself in doing anything for myself ie: training, going for walks, even watching tv. I hate being alone, where as normally I’d relish a bit of “me time” (they are few and far between) I now hate being left alone with only my thoughts, I find constantly keeping busy helps me from sinking into total despair. I too find myself speaking to my Dad, sometimes it helps, sometimes it frustrates me. I’ve always been quite stubborn, my Dad was the only person I truly would take advice from, any problems that life sometimes throws at you I always turned to Dad. The thought of not having him, when I need him terrifies me. Like I’ve said on previous posts I’m surrounded by people who love me dearly, yet I’ve never felt so alone. Grief is disgustingly awful, nothing like I ever imagined, but coming here and interacting with people in similar circumstances helps. I wish you all the best on this horrible journey, and your mother one day learns to smile again. Liam.

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Hello, it’s the morning after the funeral. I felt a slight decrease in tension yesterday because we got through it, I think it’s mainly because I was so drained but I’ve started today feeling as bad as ever. The counsellor is ringing me later today. I think it’s all part of an assessment because she’s already said I’m going to need something else, she will have to contact my useless GP.
I genuinely feel that my life is over. I don’t know what will happen to my Mum and kids.
3 mths ago life was about getting together again with my damily, home schooling abd work . Now nothing seems to matter, there are only regrets, guilt, suffering, questions that I can’t face ths answers to, traumatic flashbacks, worry, sad children, desolate Mum, no Dad. That’s nof a life I can manage. Not even 1 hour at a time. I really think I’m done for and tgere is no way forward. The shock, the loss - I can’t manage. I wish I could be stronger, I wish I could find some direction but I can’t. Dad, if only we could chat again If only I could touch your hand. I don’t know how God could do this to us.

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I feel your pain totally, anger,frustration but this is such early days. Don’t get me wrong I cry every day but for the first time yesterday I did laugh with my mum and sister that was the first time since dad passed (5th jan).

You need to process the trauma and flash backs to be able to move on (I still am) and then the happy times and memories will come back to you I promise.

Grief is scary and even though I have a great family,partner and children its still very lonely.

Keep talking on here to all of us we all understand your pain and the feelings you have.

Please take care of yourself and don’t be afraid of crying every emotion you have is real and never feel you have to hide them.

Take care
X

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I am just so fed up, so so sad and every day, something else pops up to make me feel worse. My Dad was eager and hopeful when he got his vaccine. Noone thought he wouldn’t be here when the time for the second jab came.
How do I live with this pain. My Mum and Dad did everything together, now Mum has been called for gers and my poor Dad isn’t here.
How can life be so cruel? How can God be so cruel.
I remember our conversatuons. After a year of shield8ng, Dad saw the vaccine as his hope to see us again, never in my worst nightmare would I have thought he wouldn’t be here to get the 2nd.
I am just sick of the daily battle. It’s too hard and I just want to throw the towel in. My poor Dad, my poor Mum. I’m not going to bother with the vaccine now. If my Dad can’t have it, it doesn’t seem fair.
I hate this wreck of a life, I need my Dad so badly.

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Feel the same way, it’s like a test you can’t pass. Sorry for your loss

Also full agree with this, I’m in my 20s and always thought (stupidly) that would have the benefit of asking dad questions for many years/even decades to come. Always trusted judgement on difficult stuff, practical stuff, work, travel etc. Sometimes I still can’t believe I can’t talk to him and I wish I had asked more questions as never will be able to again

my dad also died of COVID in January. I have also mainly got by the shock of the ITU but now can’t fully acknowledge he’s gone, sometimes I dream he is still here. Lost such a major reference point to my life. Feel so sad for my mum and brothers too. This virus is so utterly cruel, how it destroys the body.

Hello Sabreese,
Sorry for your loss and thank you for your kind reply.
I still have many questions regarding my Dad’s passing, unfortunately I don’t think I will find all the answers though. I feel robbed, I’m still struggling to accept that I’m never going to see him again.
I just feel so lost without him, this site is the only place I speak of him, most people I know think I’m fine, I guess it’s my own fault for pretending I am, it just seems easier to put a happy face on rather than make people feel awkward.
I genuinely hope you have more success than me in creating your “new normal”.
Feel free to reach out anytime, take care, Liam.

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Hi Gee,
I feel your pain, honestly I really do and I sympathise completely. Please just stick with it, keep taking one day at a time, I’m sure you will one day smile again. Take care, Liam.

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I am so so sorry for your loss, please don’t give up your mum still needs you and you need her too. I know how you feel about the vaccine I felt the same.

But our dad’s would want us to live and have the vaccine so we are safe.

You are right covid is awful and has robbed us of so many more memories. My heart goes out to you it really does and on this site we all know how you are feeling.

I cry for dad everyday, I too dream about him, the pain of losing him is to much at times but day by day I promise you, you will get stronger

Take care x

Hi Liam, thanks for your encouragement but it’s just getting worse. I really feel that there are only 2 paths now, either live in misery and despair or don’t live.
I have to try to keep living for my mum and my children but I feel sad beyond sad.
All the places we’ve been, we can never revisit together, all our traditions are ended and the final year was a year with no contact or visits. Things couldn’t have been crueller and,I am sick and tired. It’s like I’m crawling on my hands and knees to get through each and every day, the only thing that differs is how many kicks in the face I get each day, will it be a good day with 20, or 40 or 50? What a way to live. And 3 months ago I had no idea there was even the slightest problem.
I cry everywhere I go and everything I do. I call out for my Dad endlessly. My Dad would never have wanted to leave us, especially without a cuddle. I don’t see how I’ll ever begin to live again. My Dad, I need him.

Hello Gee1.

I have just read your response to Liam, and I think you are possibly in need of some support.
Do you know that Sue Ryder offers an online bereavement counselling service? This is a free service and sessions are held via video chat so you can attend from home. There’s more information about this service here: www.sueryder.org/counselling.

Cruse Bereavement also offers a helpline, email support, and counselling and support groups through their local services: 0808 808 1677, helpline@cruse.org.uk, http://www.cruse.org.uk/bereavement-services/

Take care,
Audrey,
Online Community Team

Hello Audrey, I am waiting for SUe Ryder to contact me about counselling. I have been on a waiting list and was then c9ntacted about an assessment but thaf was on the day of the funeral so I had to decline. They said they’d be in touch again but I haven’t heard anything. I know I need some help. I simply can’t live like this.
Thanks

Hello,
I am 31 and lost my dad a week ago very suddenly. I think I was so naive in life to think my dad would still be around as I got older and to see my 2 lovely children, his grandchildren grow up.
Being quite young still I don’t really know of anyone else who has lost their dad yet and so I really don’t have anyone I can relate too and i feel that’s what I really need right now to talk to others who really do understand this awful awful feeling of losing them. It’s so sad to know others are feeling the same but also comforting to know that we aren’t alone even though this feels like the loneliest period of my life. X

Hello Bem you have definitely come to the correct site. I lost my dad to covid in January and I am heart broken he has gone, I have been sat here crying for the last hour just thinking about him, we all totally understand your pain and its heart breaking.

I am so glad you have found us on this site I never thought I would go on to something like this but I can honestly say it’s saved me, talking to others who just get it, like you said grief can be so lonely even if you have the best family and friends.

Take care of yourself
X

Hello Bem
I’m sorry you’re in this situation. Nwver expected to find myself here this year.
I lost my precious Dad 7 weeks ago, unexpectedly and suddenly.
I’ve never felt pain likd it. I’m really struggling. Only my Mum and I know how we feel and wgen we talk to each other we make each other feel worse
I am overwhelmed with feelings of guilt and regret and loss. My Dad meant the world to ne and my children ( and my Mum of course) and now we are all broken beyond repair.
Sometines I even question how can this be real? Hiw could God ve so cruel. I’ve lost the faith Iused to have

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