Missing my Dad

Gee1 I feel exactly the same I’m feeling so angry at the world right now for being so cruel. I got to spend my dads birthday with him on the Thursday, Friday he got the all clear from the hospital over some lung troubles we were really worried over since Christmas and I was so so happy and felt such a relief and then the Sunday that week he had a stroke and never came around from it after an operation. It’s all been such a roller coaster of emotions from the initial worries to how it’s all ended and I’m finding it so hard to deal with! I too talk to my mum and brother as they know how this feels but we are all coping in our own ways and I don’t want to add any more worries for my mum. I’m lucky I have 2 little ones who I bring up on my own to make me get up and on with my day but I’m finding once they are at school I want to shut the world out.
I’m so sorry to hear you too are feeling this way. X

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Mumma77 I’m so sorry to hear that you are also going through pain like this but pleased to know you have found something that helps. It’s like you say you can have the best family and friends around which I do but they don’t all understand the pain that you feel right now which I know others on this site will. I have never used a site like this for anything before but then again this is the first time I have ever really experienced death of someone close to me and for it to be of my lovely dad just doesn’t seem possible. I feel like it’s one of those things you read from others going through but don’t expect it to be you if that makes sense. X

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Hi Bem
I too have 2 children to look after. Yes, they get me out of bed but I’m not the mum J used to be unfortunately. As soon as I drop them at school I cry all the way back home.
I usually work but have been unable to since this happened. A counsellor has commented on how distressed I am and I’ve had no initial numbness, just straight in with full on grief.
I’m exhausted and the guilt and shock are really getting me.
I hate school pick up time, evertyone else seems so happy and carefree. Making plans when all our plans ard gone forever. I cry every day to the point that my teeth and jaws ache as well as my head abd I have a gnawing fear that won’t go away that my Dad doesn’t know how much I love him.
I too have never been on a site like this, I dont do facebook or anything, but I need to know therd are other people in a similar situation abx I’d,like to hear from people who can maybe offer some hope that maybe I won’t always feel as bad as this. It’s intolerable.

I unfortunately can’t say that things get better only being a week in but Im pleased you are talking to a counsellor and I hope this helps. I too have signed up as I would like to try and deal with these feelings from the beginning with some support rather then leaving it to see how I go.
I haven’t returned back to work but it’s a worry I do have incase I just don’t feel ready for a long time. I’m trying to avoid any situation where others would be as I really can’t face small talk right now I don’t know how and when I will be ready to try and get back on with my everyday tasks. It sounds like there are unfortunately many people experiencing this right now so I do hope someone can help you find the answers you are looking for and I really do hope things start to ease for you soon. I can see this is a pain we will forever have to live with but I just hope we can find a way to ease the pain in anyway that we can.

Same boat Mumma77. :broken_heart:

Hi Bem, am 27 and relate to the feeling of naivety. You just assume it’ll be OK. Lost dad to covid 2 weeks after he got ill, and he was in his early 60s and very fit - the hospital told us on admission they thought he’d be out in a couple of days. It just hits you out of nowhere suddenly

Hello everyone on the thread
Hope you are all managing to plod on. I’m trudging backwards I think. I absolutely detest what my life has become. I yearn to see my Dad and also the Mum I knew before this happened.
What time of day do you find worst? I’m terrible when it’s time to wake up. I have physical sickness feelings in my stomach and if I didn’t try to hold steady and still, I feel my body would be shaking.
I keep getting the emails asking if I want to unsubscribe to father’s day emails. Of course I do but never, this time last year in my worst nightmares would I have thought I’d be in this position this year. What torture.
I find I’m unsubscribing from pretty much all the emails I get as they link to my old life when I used to go out, buy things, gifts, treats, days out, but now I see nothing on the horizon but misery progressing to illness then more death. What a terrible position to be in.
I still haven’t dealt with a lot of the paperwork either, can’t bring myself to look at the d certificate.
Is anyone feeling they are making any progress? I hope other people are because I can’t offer hope to anyone.
Take care all
x

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Hi Gee,
It’s 4 months for me today and just like you I find this new way of life a struggle. I think I’m still in an unconscious form of denial, it’s like if I sit and think about my Dad not being here anymore, I end up getting really worked up and upset, it’s as if a lot of the time (especially when in work) I have some kind of mental block of reality, it’s weird.
I’m still spending a lot of time with my mum, which helps her massively, for me it’s either way, sometimes we can go out for food or walking etc and it cheers me up, however a lot of the time it reminds me more that dad’s gone. It’s not just the loss of my dad that hurts, it’s seeing and knowing how much pain my mum is in with out him, it was always “mum and dad” I’ve literally never gone out or really spent time with either one alone. I’m still not used to this new way of life, in fact I hate it, but I have no choice but to give it my all.
I’m still clinging on hoping that in time things will ease and that I can think of my dad without getting extremely upset, and maybe try to focus on how lucky I was to have such a wonderful dad.
I wish you all the best Gee on this horrible journey and if you ever want to chat, vent, scream, shout or whatever, don’t hesitate to get in touch. I wish you all the best, take care, Liam.

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Hi Liam
I’m sorry you’re having to experience these awful feelings too. For me too, Mum and Dad were almost one entity, both together all the time, self sufficient, didn’t name one without the other, my children didnt even refer to them as Nanna & Grandad, it was Nannagrandad. I just can’t live like this.
My Mum is crying so much today, it’s the worst double whammy isn’t it - the loss of a parent and watching the effect it has on the other which then just wrecks me and I’m fit for nothing.
I had a counselling session today but all that seems to happen is I get so worked up and upset, my head hurts, I almost feel as though I could explode with the hurt.
I just don’t know what to do but I’m not sure how much longer I can frantically keep trying to tread water, I’m sinking.
I love you so much Dad - why did God let this happen? Why, why why?
You come across as strong in your posts and I’m sure you’re an amazing support for your Mum. I’m a wreck and make my Mum feel worse but these are impossible times.
Thank you for replying.
Take care.

Hello Gee,
It’s funny you mentioned in your last reply that I come across as “strong” in relation to my previous posts, you are 100% correct, however as much as I believe in my own advice a lot of the time it just goes straight out of the window and I’m overwhelmed with grief. All my life I’ve been viewed as being very emotionally strong (I thought I was too) therefore now it’s only me my mum will speak to of how she’s truly feeling, she can’t speak to my siblings with fear of upsetting them. This isn’t me moaning of the situation I’m in, I would do literally anything to ease my mums pain, but I seem to be stuck with pretending “I’m ok” not just with my mum, but everybody. I genuinely don’t know what I want or what I need going forward, I’ve built this persona of being almost invincible to my family, friends etc, problem is I’m not, I suffer alone in silence, I feel uncomfortable showing my true feelings/emotions in front of my family (wife included) I envy the fact you can have a good cry with your mum, I feel I can’t because if she thinks it’s hurting me she’ll stop. The problem I have is self inflicted and like I said earlier I’m not moaning, I’m just being brutally honest, something unfortunately I’m unable to do with those closest to me.

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Hello Liam
It’s just so difficult isn’t it. My Mum and I have both been very upset today but it’s been a very damaging day. She says if I can’t cope, she can’t cope, so what’s the point in trying We then went back to square 1 with all the guilt trips and then everything I said seemed to make my Mum feel guiltier. My Mum looks to me to help her out of this hole but I’m too far down myself to get out to be able to help. I really am despairing today.
Straight back to the what the hell am I going to do mode.
I honestly can’t do any more than I am or try harder than I am but it’s just not enough.
I was upset this morning and my husband told me I had to start moving on. I can’t do that. This is the biggest shock and loss of my life and I miss my Dad so badly.
I truly can’t see a solution - without Dad the family has fallen apart. I feel the drs and medical staff failed us and for them he was just another patient they could do without - he was our world.
Sorry for the deluge, it’s a really bad day today. I can’t see a glimmer of hope anywhere but wind back 4 months and I had no idea anything was wrong. The fact things were kept from me (maybe because noone thought things were that serious) causes me anger and regret and if I air that I increase my Mum’s guilt so I have to sit on it and increase my own feelings of regret. What a nightmare.
My Mum and I only have each other, no siblings to help - I honestly think I’ll end up ill soon. I hope you get the support you need but at least you know you have a positive impact on your Mum’s life.
Take care.

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Hi Gee,

I lost my Mum 8 months ago and I’m just starting to feel like I’m getting back to myself a little bit. Unless you’ve lost your parents young you really can’t understand the pain and how devastating it is. I had counselling from the hospice and found it really helpful to process the trauma and flashbacks of the pain Mum suffered. Hang on your family needs you.
I’m not saying it gets easier because it just gets different. I sobbed yesterday in the car driving home from work because sometimes the loss just hits me like a sledgehammer but give yourself time and get some counselling support and you will be able to see some light at the end of the tunnel. Take care look, give yourself a break and look after yourself.

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Hi Liam, my Dad passed away nearly 18 months ago now and its very hard some days trying to deal with it and all I can say is we never get over loss, but you just learn to live with it. Grief has no time span and everyone deals with it differently. The feeling of grief probably never leaves us, you just have to try and deal with it mate. Your Dad wouldn’t want you to be unhappy and would no doubt want you to carry on with life. Take care and all the best.

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Relate to trying not to cry in front of mum or siblings as don’t want to upset them more. Sometimes still hard to believe and it’s been nearly 6 months now since we lost dad.

Hello my name is Lorraine, I’m new on here, and thought this would help me in someway and to also help others in a similar position.
I lost my dad will be 5years on 18th Oct he was only 52 and we lost him to cancer.
The pain, loss, and emptiness I have felt never goes away and some days are better than others.
I just wanted to say hello to you all and also that I’m very sorry for your loss, and I also take comfort that I am not alone in grief , look forward to hearing from you all take care everyone x

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Hello all,
I’ve not been on here for a while, but felt the need to with it being Father’s Day tomorrow.
I’m not going to lie - I’m dreading it, as I imagine so are you.
I just wanted to say although we no longer have our fathers with us in person, shouldn’t stop us celebrating how great they were, how much we still love them, and that we are forever grateful for having such wonderful Dads.
They will always be missed, but never forgotten.
Thinking of you all, Liam.

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