Wishing you all the luck in the world. Keep in touch xx
Thankyou. Yes I will be on this site with you all for some time I think. It’s been such a help.
Kate xx
Hi all,
Things don’t seem to get any easier do they?!
I’m finding myself in tears most of the day and when I force myself to be "normal " even for a short period of time I end up with an even bigger backlash of feeling devastated. It’s 4 months on the 24 th since we lost our precious Caitlin and my world is just so empty and feels pointless.
My husband is coping better than me and is starting a phased return to work and I’m dreading being on my own but I’m no where near in a position to return myself. I know he needs to do this and I want to be supportive but I’m terrified at the prospect. I think it’s partly because I’m frightened by my own thoughts and I don’t want to sink any further into the blackness and partly a fear that something will happen to him as well. Caitlin was only 20, fit and well and full of life and yet she died in her sleep - she was away on a university course trip and I was not there with her which is difficult to bear. It makes everything so fragile and insecure. Losing Caitlin has totally destroyed our future - as an only child she carried all our hopes and dreams.
My sister has just found out she is to be a grandma as well and whilst I am really happy for her and her family I know it’s a joy I will never experience now, along with all the other special times we should have had.Everyone else’s lives keep going forward and ours has just stopped suspended forever in time - always looking back in search of happiness to when we had our beautiful daughter in our lives.
Life now just feels so hopeless and irrelevant -I just miss her so much! Sorry for going on but I know others on here know how I am feeling xxx
My dear you must be feeling terrible. I have been better lately, although dreadful at new year. It will be 6 months on the 25th for us. My poor son in law has had to lodge a claim in court to have access to some of Lisa’s estate as they were not married and she didnt have a will. Therefore everything passes to Brooke. Lisa had quite a big premises when she was a retail florist and then when she went freelance as a wedding florist she let it out to two tenants. She also had life insurance. Jamie needs to work only part time in order to look after Brooke properly so needs either the rent or to be able to sell the premises as he would like to move to a house with a garden. This was Lisa’s plan and he wants to do it.
He is a wonderful Daddy and he wants the best for their baby.
He looks so sad sometimes. He goes very quiet and I can see his eyes are full of tears. Lisa and jamie were best friends. Their love was so perfect. I cant see him wanting another relationship for a long time.
I think you can get some happiness and joy from the arrival of your little great niece or nephew. I know our Jemma has found a new joy in her life caring for Brooke when she is up from Edinburgh at weekends. She has given up her rest time to drive 3 and a half hours each way every weekend. Brooke adores her too.
I also find solace in caring for Brooke. She has just gone home after a sleepover. My heart is totally broken as yours will be too. There are no answers to learning how to be happy again. I am sad a lot of the time but not so tearful.
When you are ready to return to work I am sure having your mind occupied will help a little.
Take care dear girl. Sending a hug and love and strength to you.
Kate xxx
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Hi there. Don’t ever apologise for talking about it as it’s so good to get the feelings out. Unfortunately most of us have experienced how you are feeling right now and although I am 8 months into this nightmare I feel every word you have written. I too miss the fact I will never see any of my boy’s children and even said to my husband shortly after I wish to god some girl turns up pregnant! After everything I told him about avoiding this!! Your husband may benefit from going back to work but don’t feel pressure to do this until YOU are ready. I went back after 9 weeks and I can’t even remember anything about that time. It was too soon by far.
Lots of love and keep talking about your feelings and your beautiful girl xx
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So true. What would we do if we couldn’t bare our souls on this site? I think I would be in a much worse place.
Yes, keep posting, it’s the best way to support each other.
Kate xx
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Although you don’t realise it at the moment there is light at the end of the tunnel. Life goes on. It is now almost 2 years and 2 months since my daughter felt ill, went to bed and died. We have been told it was probably SADS as there was nothing wrong with her. Apparently 500 people a year die of this in the UK each year and yet so title is known about it. Mandi was 53, Happily married, had 3 children and 4 grand daughters and she enjoyed life to the full. Your life as it is now I can remember it well, and thought it would never change. But it did. I still have very bad days and cry, but I am more able to remember and laugh at the things she got up to. My first husband, her father, died at the age of 46 and now my brother has terminal cancer. Life is so cruel, but it goes on. Try to find some new interests to occupy your mind and maybe meet new friends. I joined a bereavement counselling group but found it didn’t really help as they were all widows or widowers and none had lost a child. I joined a ladies mini golf group and have met so many people I can’t remember all of heir names, but they all greet me when we are together. It is easy to say you should try to make a new life, but it’s worth a try. My heart goes out to you.
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My heart goes out to you. It is now 15 months from we lost our only daughter in very tragic circumstances. I can’t say it gets any easier unfortunately and that’s not what you want to hear. I can say that I somehow live life at a different level of consciousness that gets me through. I still cannot bear to look at pictures or videos or anything like that. I can’t even bear to look at any of her things. However I am now managing to breathe a little bit easier and have decided that is just how my life is going to be until I join her. I am sending you love as I have nothing else and hope that you manage to get through minute by minute. Xxx
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I cant imagine your pain although mine is still pain it’s different as we have Lisa’s elder sister who adored her. We also have Lisa’s little girl who kept us all going through the agonising 9 weeks on ECMO. The fact that this machine kept her alive and able to interact with us for 6bof those weeks, is something we are forever grateful for. Having to make the decision for herself was the most courageous and selfless thing she could have done. To have her little one on the bed and play with her golden curls then hand her to me to take out of the room for private time with the love of her life. I cant imagine how she must have felt but as there was no hope for her, she didnt want to drag it out for all our sakes. She knew we were all crumbling inside and she wanted to take away our pain. She was a truly amazing young woman. I am so proud of her but miss her so much. 6 months on 25th.
I still cry but not so much. She is beside me telling me to get on with it Mum, you need to be there for Brooke and Jamie and Jemma and Dad need you too.
It’s hard but I live, as you say, on a different level i think.
With love.
Kate xx
Hello- I’ve been working through how to live a happy fulfilling life without Henry, my younger son who died 13 weeks ago. I decided to focus on my other son, my grandson (Henry’s son) and my husband.
I have the love and support of my siblings and their families. I realised that whilst the pain remained the same, I had lengthy periods where it wasn’t in the front of my brain. I’d started sleeping better and feeling more connected with the world.
We’ve now suffered another death- my nephew took his own life. He was 32 married with two daughters he adored. None of the family can make sense of what has happened to us all. His mother (my ex sister in law) has stage 4 breast cancer and is fighting hard to stay here on earth. She now has to bury her son in her own grave.
All we can conclude is that Henry is with his cousin and they are walking in heaven together. My brother has been supporting his children getting ready for their mother’s departure and is now supporting them as they’ve lost their brother - in terrible circumstances. It is the living that need us, our children in heaven wouldn’t want us to feel the pain and grief we all feel but we do feel it. Someone on this site said our grief and pain reflects our love and in some way that comforts me.
I’m so sorry for everyone suffering- we were all blessed with wonderful human beings who made a positive difference to others. Whilst I will miss Henry every day I breathe I am so grateful to have had him for 30 years. Much love to you all.
Purple
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Thank you all for your kind comments and support. We really have been through so much all of us -it’s beyond comprehension why so many lovely people have to suffer such tragedies in their lives. I cannot imagine ever being able to cope with the future I have now been left with, but reading all your comments I can see that somehow people do survive.
I will always know I was blessed to be Caitlin’s mum, she was simply beautiful in every way. I will always miss her every minute of the day -I know that’s the price of the great love we shared.I grieve for what she never got to enjoy in her short life and the future she has lost and us along side her. Getting through each day is a nightmare ,but it helps to know that others have found a way through. Thank you xxx
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It’s tough it sure is. I felt really low yesterday after my daughter left to go back to Edinburgh and she took little Brooke back to her Daddy. I tidied up the toys and paints and made the beds and kept busy for a while. Then walking the dogs early evening and seeing a glorious sunset, the tears flowed without warning. Tears for Lisa not being around to see her little one grow. It’s so hard for all of us in different ways but we all share the same pain, day in day out, without our cherished children. Life will never be the same for any of us but we find a way of living without them.
With love, Kate xx
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Dear friends, I was thinking today about how I feel, we all feel and it’s the helplessness that hurts so much. The fact that we couldn’t stop what has happened to our children. We were able to look after them so well when they were under age and make sure they were safe. Then they grow into adults and leave home and are in charge of their own destiny. We never really let go though. We always have that inbuilt instinct to protect them. Then it happens. The worse thing any parent has to face. We couldn’t alter the course of their lives and it’s just their time. It’s so not the wsyvitcshould be and they leave such a void.
We love them even though we couldn’t make them stay.
With love, Kate 
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Just heard my husband talking on the phone about what happened to Lisa. I just sank to the floor and howled and cried. No warning, nothing. I was just on the way to the loo.
Just hearing him relaying all the events was just too much and I was back there, that terrible day when we had to face the fact that she was leaving us. My husband came to fi d me and said he didnt realise I would react that way and he was so sorry.
It comes without warning and floors us and then we get up and get on!!!
Strange feelings which are hard to understand.xx
Oh Kate it’s just such a terrible feeling when you hear someone talking about what you have lost and been through.Somehow it makes it all feel so real again. We know it’s real but just try and contain our thoughts and emotions but then suddenly the barriers fall and we cannot escape from it. I cannot cope with my husband describing what happened and how we were informed- I have to walk away - it’s just too much.
You have done amazingly well to cope with all that you have but you are only human and no wonder you fall apart sometimes- you have suffered an unthinkable loss of your precious daughter - I cannot even believe I am still breathing let alone coping the way that you have, Big hugs xxx
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I know I know. I was saying to my husband last night that I really thought I would die in the days after Lisa passed away. I had been feeling terrible in those last days as I had realised before the rest of the family that it was hopeless. I was shaking and wobbly and had a pain around my heart.
I used to think it was just a saying that you had heartache but we all here know it’s a true and physical pain. I was sure I was heading for a heart attack.
Anyway, I am still here and have more good days than bad now. Last night was so unexpected and draining.
I hope you get to feel a little better each day. We just plod on don’t we?
With love, Kate xx
Hi Kate,
It is truly awful the pain we have to endure.
I find the mornings the worst as I have said before. I really struggle to face another day without her and just break down repeatedly. I’m trying to sort myself out this morning as I have one of Caitlin’s old school friends Emily calling to see me this morning and I don’t want to upset her. Tonight I have another of her school friends Nathan calling which is really nice. She was such a wonderful young woman and so very much loved by all who knew her- I know they miss her too - it’s very hard for them as well.
Hope today will be one of your better days xxx
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I am the same and it’s good to know it’s “normal” to suddenly feel so broken all over again. I can’t bear to hear anything around the day Henry died. I seem to be coping and some days i am surprised at how positive I feel yet it’s like walking a tightrope and the slightest thing knocks me off.
Part of me is still hoping it’s not true… when quite plainly it is and I have his ashes in my bedroom. I’m going away on holiday for two weeks tomorrow and I’m worried about leaving him behind. We talked every day and it’s still so hard without him.
I take heart that I’m having good days something I never thought possible when Henry died.
Love to you all and let’s try and live a life our children would want for us. 
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Bless you my love. It is so hard when the reality kicks in again.
I was suddenly in tears walking the dogs In the forest at sunset when I heard an owl. Nature makes us feel alive but raw at the same time I think.
Don’t worry about leaving Henrry behind, he is at your side and in your heart for always. Take something of his in your suitcase.
Hugs and lots of love.
Kate xx
It does help to know we are not alone in how we feel as it’s easy to feel we are somehow different to how we should be. My husband bless him tries so hard but he is dealing with losing Caitlin very differently to me. He is very practical and is now trying to focus on a phased return to work.I think this makes me feel worse as I fear being left behind. I seem to be going the opposite way- feeling very very alone and I cannot see any future at all without Caitlin. I know that is one of the biggest issues for me with her being an only child I have no other children/ grandchildren to make me look to the future.
I hope you have a good holiday purple and you get some respite from this horrific world we have been plunged into.
Take care xxx
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