Missing my father.

I think I may have posted earlier in the year after losing my father to suicide and it hasn’t gotten any easier.

Covid struck the world and being at home rather than distracted by work has allowed me far too many moments to ponder and dwell.

I still feel riddled with guilt and sorrow that I couldn’t help him and this fathers day was a brutal reminder, along with his inquest which was perhaps something I should have sat out of in hindsight…

I still find myself seeing him in my sleep a lot and I struggle with anxiety/panic attacks now.

How do you all cope? I’m usually a very positive and happy person, but I now feel like a little boy again and completely lost.

It must be very difficult for you to cope after all that has happened. Lots of people feel guilt when their loved one dies by suicide, they will always be thinking if only I could have done this, or could have done that, that is a completely normal feeling to have, but the reality is you did not know your father was going to kill himself, if you did, you would have done everything you could have to help him. You were just unlucky that your father’s problems ended up with him killing himself, so please be kind to yourself.

If your panic attacks and anxiety do not stabilise, it might be a good idea to go and see your GP.

I also noticed that your two posts have only received one reply so far, sometimes people might not have seen your post and so they did not reply, so please keep posting whenever you need to.

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Hi user randomhero,

I also lost my father to suicide. It has been six years, but I can’t say that I have processed it or gotten very far into the grief cycle. I share the experience of having dreams about him constantly. Mine are often scenarios imagining where he is still alive, like he faked his death or something. My family fell apart after his passing and I have yet to come to terms with that. I realize none of this is very positive but was reaching out to say you are not alone.
-Frank

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Dear @Frank, I am so sorry to read about the tragedy in your life and the effect it has had on your family. I don’t really have much to say but am here to listen anytime you need to talk.

Thank you for your kind words Abdullah, also to Frank I would like to pass on my deepest sympathies.

Thank you for comments, its been 9 months but I still feel incredibly flat and have lost so much motivation.
I’ve always been an incredibly positive and upbeat person, but the last 12 months has been incredibly trying.

Last November I lost my Grandmother to illness, my fathers partner then succumbed to cancer im January (I believe these two huge losses were massive factor in his commiting suicide), my father in January, lost two friends in march and may, a close friends daughter then lost her battle to leukaemia in August and with the onset of covid, well its just been a bit too much.

Luckily I have my two young kids who make every day just an absolute blessing!

But I cannot lie, this has been the hardest time of my life.

It’s difficult when you have so many losses, although I have suffered from a lot of depression throughout my life I am also a positive person, who always tries to think that things might get better, but since the loss of my dad, I have lost all motivation and it is the worst time of my life. I am glad you have two kids that help you get your mind off things, albeit for a little while, hopefully with time things will start to get a little less painful for you.

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