Hi Steph, I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve lost your best friend to suicide. The fact that he streamed it live online must make it especially shocking and traumatic. It sounds as though you did a lot to try to support him with his suicidal feelings and previous suicide attempt - this is also a lot to cope with, and you will have been through a lot of stress and worry while that was happening as well.
I’m glad that you’ve found this site, and I hope it helps even a tiny bit to be able to share things here. All of our users have lost someone close, and there are others here who have been bereaved by suicide, for example:
@JessicaO: Someone Help Me Cope Please
@Andie: loss by suicide
@Randomhero: Missing my father.
As well as posting here, there is also a really good organisation called Survivors of Bereavement by Suicide, that offers a helpline, local support groups and online support: https://uksobs.org/
I’m sorry to hear that you can’t go to the funeral - are the numbers restricted due to Covid 19? The Quaker Social Action website has some suggestions on ways to say goodbye if you can’t attend a funeral: https://quakersocialaction.org.uk/we-can-help/helping-funerals/down-earth/information-guidance/coronavirus/if-you-cannot-attend