Missing my partner so much

I lost my partner six weeks ago and the pain you feel is unbearable i feel so lost and empty inside and cry morning and night I’ve thought about ending my life just to be with him again and to stop the pain i feel, but if i do that i feel i am being selfish to my children and grandchildren because i will be putting them through the pain I’m going through at the moment and i do not want that. My life has been turned upside down and finding it hard to cope :frowning:

Hi Debbie im sorry for your loss have you been so see your gp (im on medication )theres also the Samaritains (i phone them too )Theres no time limit on when your nightmare will feel different .Take baby steps take it day by day .Try to find some me time to rest your brain and body because your nightmare will still be there when you return to reality .You need sleep it helps in a big way (i was given sleeping pills on a temp basis by my gp )Keep coming to this site theres always someone who will reply to you .6 weeks is very raw to say the least (im at just over a year and i still sleep downstairs )Look after yourself and dont be a stranger Colin (im 57 my wife passed 04032016 on her 41st birthday )

Hi Debbie.I lost my husband last week after a year of battling cancer.I am in pain with the loss and cry from morning to night.I go out but want to come home .I haven’t a clue what I am going to do Im 67 and feel Im to old to start a new life.I haven’t thought of ending my life I am so busy going through paperwork thats mind blowing …its the funeral on Fri and Im dreading it.So many people on this site so lonely and sad.Have you been to any meetings with people in the same position …I have been given a list but cant face them just yet.
hug for you Sue

Hi to you three.all so very sad. I always start crying when I start typing but I don’t let it stop me.i want to try and help. I go over it all every night.my darling man fighting so hard.always smiling to make me feel better.i have never endured such emotional pain.i am on day 71 of my horrible journey and although I’m surrounded I feel like I’m alone on a thousand mile desert. I sleep a lot.try to walk a lot.get the wind in my face(which is easy in bonny Scotland) .tell myself I would rather have me feel this than him if I had gone first. It helps a tiny bit. I think I try to take my time over everything.have a long long bath. Go out and look up at the clouds. Take my time over what I say.do.text. Write. I wonder how I will fill my days but something turns up.my darling helps something turn up.Daughter2talI. I had 12 days between my darling leaving me and the funeral. I went over and over songs to choose because he loved so many it was near impossible.and then sat and wrote out his life story for the celebrant to read.over and over 6or7 times trying to get it right.i couldn’t see for crying most of the time but got it.how can you put 61 years on six sheets of paper.something comes over you at the funeral to carry you thru.and you will do this.paper work ask your lovely family to help with the absolute priorities and let other stuff wait. I am 48 and believe me right now I wish I was 67 to be away from this sooner and back beside the love of my heart.Colinp it’s been a long journey for you and I don’t know how you have braved it.I don’t want to look or think that far ahead.71 days for me. I’ve got day turned into night just now.luckily don’t hav work for few weeks yet.go out mostly when I can get outa bed!Debbie64. I an feel it all.i am ten weeks and one day into losing the love of my life.we were together 28 years.he had an11yr battle and last 4 months were horrid.the worry anxiety helplessness and exhaustion have been replaced with emptiness sorrow and despair. Putting it all down brings me to tears but sharing and thinking you can support someone else helps a tiny bit. It is utter raw heart wrenching pain I know you are going thru… You ve got to take it. Sleep .eat. Think of him and dream of him.think you are bearing this and saving him from bearing it if he had lost you first. Having read so many stories on here.Dont think you are alone or these feelings are not normal.they are I’m afraid.just no one told us they’d be so overwhelmingly painful and almost impossible to bear. Here I go turning day into night.mite get over about 3 or 4 am…think inking of you all tonight.xxxx

Hi Debbie,

Welcome to the Sue Ryder Online Community. I’m so sorry to hear about the loss of your partner and how empty and lost you are feeling. I’m glad that you’ve been able to talk about how you’re feeling here and had some supportive replies from others with similar experiences.

I am sorry to hear that you have thought about ending your life - it is not uncommon to have these thoughts after a bereavement, but I would really encourage you to reach out and speak to someone about how you are feeling. There is lots of other support out there, for example:

  • The Samaritans are always there 24/7 if you need to talk about anything that’s bothering you (116 123, or jo@samaritans.org).

  • You can also make an appointment with your GP and ask to be referred to counselling or other support services in your area.

  • Cruse Bereavement offers a helpline, email support, and counselling and support groups through their local services: 0808 808 1677​, helpline@cruse.org.uk, http://www.cruse.org.uk/bereavement-services

  • If you ever feel you are at risk of harming yourself, please call 999, go to A&E or contact your GP for an emergency appointment immediately.

If there is anything I can help with, or you have any questions about this site, just let me know - you can drop me a private message or email me on online.community@sueryder.org

The drs is my next step if i still feel the same and sleep is a big problem at the moment keep having strange dreams and constantly waking up and yes i slept on settee for 5 weeks but now i make myself go to bed and i finally spoke to my daughter and son-in-law today about how I’ve been because I’ve been trying to hide everything because i didn’t want to worry them and told them i think i may need help and I’m so sorry for ur loss debbie

So sorry to hear that and no I’ve not been to any groups at the moment i find I’m locking myself away and I no I shouldn’t do that but its hard facing the outside world at the minute my partner Steve had cancer in the lung only a small piece so Dr said cut it out and he would be fine so he went in hospital Monday 30th Jan Dr cut it out and all went well should be home in 3 days so we was told then the day after he got infection but seemed like he was getting better but Dr did say there is a chance he may not be able to fight it and sad enough he didn’t he passed away on Sunday the 5th Jan i never thought in a million years this would happen but it did and it leaves u feeling so empty and lost and the pain you feel is unbearable he was 62 and fairly fit before he went into hospital he only went drs because he used to sweat at night and the bed used to get wet through x

So sorry to hear that and no I’ve not been to any groups at the moment i find I’m locking myself away and I no I shouldn’t do that but its hard facing the outside world at the minute my partner Steve had cancer in the lung only a small piece so Dr said cut it out and he would be fine so he went in hospital Monday 30th Jan Dr cut it out and all went well should be home in 3 days so we was told then the day after he got infection but seemed like he was getting better but Dr did say there is a chance he may not be able to fight it and sad enough he didn’t he passed away on Sunday the 5th Jan i never thought in a million years this would happen but it did and it leaves u feeling so empty and lost and the pain you feel is unbearable he was 62 and fairly fit before he went into hospital he only went drs because he used to sweat at night and the bed used to get wet through x

Plus it’s early days for u at the moment i found i was in shock and just felt numb for the first 3 weeks yes i cried but now it seems like I can’t stop crying and not sleeping to well and my mood is so low x

Thank you and getting help is my next step because i no I’m struggling at the moment x

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Hi it must have been awful for u to see a loved one suffering like that Steve didn’t suffer in any way which i am so great full for it all happened so quick. I no I would not have coped to see him in pain my heart goes out to u and I’m sending love and hugs to u. Debbie xx

Hi,Debbie.Just celebrated our sons Birthday with family at near by Restaurant.I am exhausted just to try and be happy and I thought everyones going home with some one…I just wanted to come home and put Bobs dressing gown on.
We thought Bob would recover from the cancer but he just kept getting infections and they took there toll on his body.The last one was 4 weeks ago and it was a dangerous infection and probably curable but he’s had 13 rounds of chemo and couldn’t find it.
Take care and in keep in touch Sue

I had to smile when u said bobs dressing gown I’m sat in Steve’s dressing gown i wear it all the time and his PJ’s it helps me to feel close to him if u no what i mean xx

Oh Debbie we are a sad pair …Have you thrown Steves clothes away yet?

No i can’t do it everything is where he left it i don’t think i could throw anything away i even wear his deodorant stick and joggers and t shirts i just can’t bring myself to pack his things away. How about u ?

Yes I put everything in bags except his favourite shoes and jumpers.It doesn’t give me any comfort looking at suits favourite shirts because I can see him in them.
I try to smell him on the dressing gown but I cant and it upsets me…how I want him back but he suffered so much so don’t want that for him.
I have videos of him one only a few weeks ago walking down the hospital corridor with a walking frame I had bought him( he called it the mean machine) I hate playing it but I do over and over again because he’s talking and I talk back to him crying all the time its heartbreaking because he looks well.How I miss him and would love a cuddle and kiss from him.

Hi Debbie.its amazing what we can cope with when its flung at us.Yes it’s awful seeing the man you love going down but you just get on with it.He had had enough and we were great full for having him at home until the fri 6jan. And then he died on Sun the 8th. It doesn’t make it any easier to let go though.Just as it won’t be any easier your darling dying quickly and without pain. It’s just all horrible.I feel I want out so I walk a lot.regardless of the weather.I try and take everything in.the wind in my face. The sun shining or the rain on me.having said that I sleep a lot too.but at all the wrong times! Usually 3am I get over. I’m 48 and my darling was 61. I just want time to pass quick now to get with my darling and wish we had both been very old so I wouldn’t have so long to endure. I hope your getting some comfort from others stories. It might just make you feel less alone in your feelings.its like a black gaping hole that you don’t want to accept but you can’t hide from.thanks for your kind wishes.same to you.x

I know how you feel I lost my only child 4 months ago I’m lost without him I think what’s the point of being here now he was my life

Hi Debbie, I feel your pain. Six weeks of this agony is hell, I know that. What I can say is that through all the pain I’m still hanging here after 7 months. I can’t tell you it will get better as at times it is worse than the start as you realise there is no end to it and maybe just get used to the feeling of being this way. Explore mindfulness if you can focussing on your close relationship with your loved one and speaking to him in your minds eye. It isn’t a solution but is calming. Best wishes xxx

I will be thinking of you on Friday Sue hoping that you, family and friends feel a little stronger going through this unavoidable painful step. Bless you, keep strong it is all we can do. xxxxxxx

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