Missing what should have been

Hope this doesn’t sound selfish but not only do I miss my husband very much, but I find myself missing what could have been. All our future plans, our days out , holidays and just walking hand in hand . I know it sounds silly missing something that will never happen . Then I think I’m being selfish and just thinking of myself but I used to love our trips out and being together 24/7 . Now I hardly go anywhere just shopping or to see family my life is completely different to what it used to be . I just paint on a face that people want to see but inside I’m hurting so much . Does anyone else feel like this or am I alone in missing things like this. :sob:

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Hi , you are not selfish at all . We have had our future stolen from us . I miss my hubby so much but also my life as I knew it . This isn’t a proper life we are trying to live . We are missing that one person that got us . That knew everything about us . That loved us deeply . We were suppose to grow old together . We should be planning holidays . Going for walks . Watching tv together on a night . Going shopping together . Instead we sit lonely thinking of the past , and thinking what should of been and what would of been if they were still here with us . So sad and heartbreaking for all of us . Thinking of you . Sending a hug . Xtake carex

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Hi I agree. Not selfish, just a longing for the life that you loved the everyday things.x

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Since the day Colin died, nearly 10 weeks ago, I’ve said I’m grieving threefold.

Firstly I grieve his life, and everything he has lost. Everything he should be enjoying now and in his future.

Secondly I grieve my life. I’ve lost my security, comfort, love, identity. I struggle to work, I feel no joy in anything, I’ve lost friends, interests, my income, confidence, courage, value, interest, care. Everything.

Thirdly I grieve our lives together. The loss of our future, our plans, the things we were looking forward to, our partnership, our intimacy.

I have three lots of grief.

And I did nothing to ask for or deserve any of these losses. It is so bloody unfair and unjust.

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Hi Misprint, I feel exactly the same, it’s so difficult to get used to this life, Pete and I did everything together and had so many plans, I miss everything about him, snuggling up on the sofa, holding hands, his wonderful smile and I feel bad for feeling sorry for myself.
You are definitely not alone in this, I just wish I had some words that would that would help. It feels so unfair.
Sending you a hug x

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Certainly not selfish. I echo everyone’s comments. I sit every night alone and think of our life together, the hard work we put into getting to the point where we were going to retire. To enjoy holidays, the grandsons, the days out and just each others company doing nothing but smiling at each other across the room.

I only spend my time now looking after the grandsons - as my husband promised we would do - returning home and longing for what was and what should have been. Take care all xxx

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Definitely not being selfish. I’ve been feeling exactly the same. As others have said we are not just grieving for the loss of our loved one we are also grieving the loss of our life as it was and our future plans.
I don’t have any days out like I used to as it’s just not the same going on your own. It’s so hard hearing family and friends planning holidays and days out.
Take care xx

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It’s not selfish at all to feel that way. I relate to everyone’s comments especially about grieving three times over as felt by @ElsieF. My poor hubby suddenly losing his life, me losing mine as I knew it and losing our future plans and dreams, it’s so heartbreakingly unreal and achingly sad. When it happened we were in the process of selling our home and downsizing into a smaller new build as well as selling a rental property, all part of our retirement plan (I was near retirement and hubby retired just before COVID lockdown so he didn’t get the usual enjoyment retirement brings) the day it happened I knew I couldn’t move home and leave all our memories behind, so had to pull out of everything apart from selling the rental. I’m so glad I stayed here as I feel he is here with me. I now feel like a little lost soul in a parallel universe, seeking some company one day, avoiding it the next. I too mainly see friends and family at theirs/mine or go shopping. Kind family and friends suggest I can do things with them that I did with hubby like holidays, taking off for days away, our lovely long walks etc. but I don’t want to do these things with anyone else, it just isn’t the same. We travelled a lot so I find it hard to comprehend I’ll never go on an adventure with him again. Just recently seeing my neighbours putting their cases into a taxi to the airport had me in floods of tears. Wishing strength to you all x

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There’s nothing selfish about your thoughts @Misprint. I’m sure we all feel as you do. Robbed.
I try to be enthusiastic about my friends and family telling me of their plans and I hope that I look pleased for them. When I get back to my quiet, lonely house I react to my loneliness and sorrow.
I know others say we should concentrate on how lucky we have been to have experienced such love but I’m not sure I am able to do that. Will time change that - hopefully so. Life is flat, an existence with no purpose.

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Hi Misprint, no you are not selfish, we grieve for our lost selves, all our future plans, all our should haves and would haves. I’m angry too, not having the life I thought was mine, looking forwards to retirement with my husband, even silly things like deciding what colour curtains to get for the bedroom. I grieve for my kids, my daughter got her A level results on Thursday and they were fantastic, but her Dad wasn’t here to share her joy. And although the year has passed, the grief is still as strong x

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I lost my beloved girlfriend very recently.
She took her own life .
Everything waking hr the loss is horrendous.
We spent almost 24/7 together,rarely out of contact with each other,passionately in love deeply connected.
The missing them isn’t selfish it’s the life you had ,and when it was so completely encompassing,engrossing and engaged it’s only natural to feel this horrendous loss and to miss them so very very much .
You are not alone x

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Hi @Misprint, no, not silly at all. As I can see by all these posts, you’ve just opened a thread which I’m sure is going to be one of the most popular. You described me perfectly.,you all have, I don’t know what else to say. You’ve all just provided me with some solace,helping me to realise that I’m absolutely normal. I spend every second of my days missing not only the past, but present, future and distant future, too. I still have to hold back the tears while rushing around the supermarket, alone(usually with my mum, but it’s not the same, I’m sure you all ‘get’ me.), with my husband we would ‘stroll’ around, not rush. @Lilyboost, you touched a chord when you mentioned your daughter’s great A level results. I’ll never forget the first thing my daughter said, crying, the day my soulmate was suddenly torn away from us: “Dad will never see me graduate from university”. The saddest thought that torments me is that my darling didn’t get to see our world getting back to ‘normal’ (more or less)
after two years of pandemic.
Hugs to everyone.

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Hi Misprint

You are not selfish, just human and missing the love of your life. Ian and I were together for over 40 years and I miss the future that was taken so cruelly and quickly taken from us.
It’s been 14 months now and I still expect him to come home and then we can carry on as before.

What I find hard is that however busy or not I am during the day, I still have to wake up in an house without Ian and spend the evenings and nights without him. I just don’t know how to come to terms with this, perhaps I never will. I’ve tried explaining this to family and friends but they can’t really understand until it happens to them.

Julie x

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Oh Elsie, your thoughts echo mine completely. It’s been 14 months for me now since I lost Ian but I still feel exactly as you do.
As you say, it’s just so unfair and unjust…….

Take care of yourself and I’m so sorry you’ve had to join us in a life we never wanted.

X Julie

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Hi yes I feel the same ,as my wife passed away 2 years ago and part of myself went with her and I am lost without her.

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No your not selfish I feel exactly the same, just the falling asleep holding hands I miss and all the little things, We have lost a whole future. I feel like I just paint my face on and fake a smile so I definitely feel your pain there and society has a certain way of dealing with grief it’s just been a year for me so I feel like I should be ok now. Keep reaching out. I am here.

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Hi misprint.
No you are not alone. It is almost 4 yrs for me now and my life has changed so much that it seems sureal. I used to love my two holidays every year and my times just spent alone with my husband but it was all snatched away from me. I no longer live. I just exist. I have tried so hard to make myself believe it will get better and for a few hours or even days it does, and then BANG it all comes back, that nothing will ever be the same. My old life is over and my new life is not the one I want but it was inflicted on me with no choice. Everything is void of colour, joy, feeling, motivation. I am just living in a shell. I have no fear of death anymore. I just await it.

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All of these things everyone says I echo too. We were fortunate to have almost 50 years of marriage but it’s never enough . Most of our couples friends still have each other . They are all very kind as our family too . BUT no they can’t understand as they haven’t lived it .
Someone once said how you manage day to day but it’s the ‘Sunday afternoons of life when no one is looking that you are so very very alone’.

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Hi Misprint, no I don’t think it’s selfish, it’s my Birthday today, and I miss Richard so much, we would have been celebrating, not in a big way, just either away, or out for the day, I would have been excited, we would have shared laughter and smiles, held hands, eaten something nice, cuddled, I grieve for all our plans, no one got me like Richard, yes we had our niggles sometimes, we were only human, but we were one soul in two bodies, and now I feel empty, bereft, I miss our closeness ,our warmth, our fun, our future, Richard was always planning, times away, afternoon tea, sight seeing, adventures, he gave life purpose, he was my life x

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Hi @Caz6, I understand how you feel. I know you won’t probably want to hear the usual “Happy birthday”, but I will wish you a peaceful day, sending you strength and serenity. The love you still share and will always share with your loved one will be of comfort to you today. It Was my birthday too, two days ago, my husband’s earlier this month and our wedding anniversary just over a week ago. Yes, you can imagine what a tough month this has been for me. I know it sounds selfish towards others but I just can’t wait until this summer is over, just too many memories. Our last anniversary together was our 25th,two years ago, I baked a cake with decorated with those little sugar silver balls, our photo is sitting on my bedside table, still break down when I look at it.
Thoughts are with you.

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